this is ao silly but it annoys me...

[Neverenuff]

This is so silly and I know I need to grow up but I can t help that it annoys me. I was sitting next to my do for ages tonight then I got up for like 20 seconds to let the dog out and and dps son jumps to my seat cuddles in to his dad with no intention of moving. I'm annoyed because dp thinks this was cute. I find it rude. I feel dp should have said you'll need to move once 'never' comes back.

I know it's silly. Its what kids do. There was just no need and it just makes me feel a bit pushed out I suppose. Oh well shower and early night for me. I can't be bothered trying to explain to dp for the hundredth time that I feel his son is rude towards me and makes me feel unwelcome.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Maybe the kid is rude because he can sense you see it as some kind of competition. I don't cuddle up to dh when my dss is over because it's his time with his dad, I have him all the time and have plenty of 1 on 1 time with him. I love seeing them cuddled up together on the sofa.

It's not a competition and your dp should not move him. It would be nice if he made a space the other side of him for you or said something nice but to be honest you shouldn't be hogging cuddles when the kids are there.

[NickiFury]

You won't be made to feel like that in your own home? See that's it right there. They aren't making you feel like that. He's 9. He just wants to be near his parent. You're feeling it yourself because you are jealous. Believe it or not I get it really do but as the adult you have to have a sharp word with yourself and shut those feelings off because they're not appropriate when a child is concerned. Tbh I would have been embarrassed to even post this because I would already know that I was wrong and petty to feel this way.

[NickiFury]

And you won't "pussy foot" around? Why not? . Just for a bit until they don't see you as much of a threat and you've built more of a relationship with them. All the successful blended family situations I know are where the step parent took a back seat when the kids were around until a relationship started to grow and natural affection built over time.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I'm not going to feel like that in my own home though. No one should be put out

Having kids you are "put out" all the time. Do you think we like getting up early everyday, not going out because we can't find s babysitter and not being able to wear our favourite top because someone wiped sauce on it just as you were about to leave the house? You may not have children yourself but you have chosen to have a relationship with someone who does. Being a parent or step parent means their needs come first majority of the time. I'm not saying you do nothing already for them and their time with their dad but you seem to find it hard to understand they need it more right now. It's not like they're expecting you to not be there, just not be in between them at any point. And again, just until they get a better bond with you, not forever

[LogicalThinking]

Honestly I agree it's so silly of course the kid wants to hug his dad. Its not even resentment. It's just I feel like this on top of a million other things that happen with dss, I feel it's so rude.
But that was the thing that drove you to post, so are those million other things equally as silly? You've acknowledged that it's silly, but you still think it's rude! It's not rude! If he jumped in that quick, he clearly wanted a hug but didn't feel he had a chance while you were in the way.

But at the same time I'm not going to not sit beside my dp because the kids don't want me to. That's rediculous.
It's less about them not wanting you to sit next to him, it's more about them wanting to sit next to him and have his love and affection. It's not personal against you, they have to compete against you for his attention and affection because you won't back off enough when they are there.
You have him all the time. If you want a relationship with him, you have to allow him to have a relationship with his children and that means that you have to willingly give the space to allow that to happen. If you don't do it, or do it begrudgingly, you will breed resentment (and you will lose).
You want them to do something that you are not prepared to do, because you somehow feel that it's your house and you have priority.
It's just for a very short time, try to be kinder and more thoughtful.

And the point the PP made about transition was spot on.

[LeaLeander]

Another typical immature, selfish girlfriend who knowingly gets involved with a childed man and then sees/treats the kids as competition and inconvenience. "Empathy of a gnat" indeed.

[Neverenuff]

Another typical immature, selfish girlfriend who knowingly gets involved with a childed man
Yes this immature selfish girlfriend who btw has given up a hell of a lot to be with this man and his children. I love my dp. I love his children. I don't agree 100% with their behaviours or how they are brought up but I accept they come first. Not just when they are here but all the time. It's a sacrafice I chose to make when I chose to live with him. I have constantly gone out my way to do things for them that even their own parents don't do. And always gives them time with their dad as I know and understand the importance of this.

I didn't sit with dp on purpose to win affection of dp. I was sat in the chair. Dp sat next to me. I moved for all of 20 seconds to let the dog out and dss had jumped in meaning I couldn't go back to being comfortable where I was. I like being in the same spot when I watch a film thanks. I like a certain seat in the house. I'm never going to stop the kids from having cuddles with dad. That indeed would make me a moron. It's not a problem that he was cuddling dad. so please stop making it out like I'm bothered about that. I was annoyed he jumped in the seat where I was. And there was no intention on dp moving or dss. Dp could have moved to sit with his children.

[RudeElf]

On your feet, lose your seat.

Thats how it works in this house. Even the dog plays.

You could just sit in the seat your DSS got out of.

[YakTriangle]

It is rude to jump into someone else's seat when they've only got up for a moment to do something. I would tell my DC off for doing that. If someone has actually got up and left the room and aren't coming back, that's different, but to go and do one thing, whilst in the middle of watching a film?

I'm surprised that so many other people don't think it's rude, or is it just that the OP is a stepmother and they can't do anything right?

I think all you can do is talk to your DP and tell him that clearly his DC want to sit with him all the time and not to sit next to you, unless he's prepared to tell them to stop jumping into your seat the moment you move. It's ridiculous that you would need to, but at least you wouldn't spend time feeling annoyed with his children.

[ProfGrammaticus]

But you should "not sit beside DP because the kids don't want (you) to".

You should do that. Their needs come first. Their family is split and it is hard. Your needs do not come first.

[Quoteunquote]

If you are intending to be around for the teenage years, I would make a massive effort with these children now, if you push one way they will push back.

When they are with you make sure you facilitate them getting as much dad contact, attention ,time and communication as possible.

If the feel they are heard and understood by both of you , they will be more inclined to be relaxed and honest around you.

Children are not stupid , they read you perfectly, and your resentment will only cause unnecessary stress ,

save yourself a lot of grey hairs and kill them with kindness.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

LeaLeander "another typical immature selfish girlfriend"? Projecting again I see...
Some of us just don't want to be treated like doormats. You invested quite a lot of time in to my thread a couple of weeks ago so I know you had me in mind when you said that.

[NickiFury]

Well to be fair there seems to be a lot of them about.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

Not all of them are simply immature and selfish though.

[MiddleClassProblem]

you keep saying you do so much for them but no examples. That's up to you what you share of course but with out it its hard to not think that you think you do a lot for them but not in reality.

You also flip flop from this being a one off occasion to it happening all the time.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Btw the flip flop matters because you are attempting to make people agree with this one specific occasion when clearly you do sit next to DP most of the time when the kids are around therefore not respecting that they want to

[pickledparsnip]

Fucking hell. I seriously hope my ex's wife doesn't behave or feel like that when my ds goes round. That would make me very very sad.

[Focusfocus]

Unbelievable

[pickledparsnip]

You really need to accept that his kids come first. End of. My partner knows that. I explained it to him from day 1.

[neonrainbow]

In the overall sense the kids come first. It doesnt mean the stepmum comes last in every scenario. Do you let your kids trample all over you?

Op theres lots of twats on mumsnet who automatically hate all stepmums. Theyll pile in on any old thread and project away like an open air cinema. Ignore them.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I don't hate stepmums and I don't think they should always come last just to clarify. Some people like to make generalising comments which I do hate.

[RandomMess]

LOL - I would have done a "that's my spot" as per Sheldon.

Yep your dp could have moved with his DSS or stuck him on his knee so you could have your seat back.

Just as I do with my dc, they know it's my spot and they have to give it up for me!!!!

[NickiFury]

"Twats"?

Lovely.

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

OP - I hear you. My DSS does the same thing, but it's not just a seating arrangement thing here, it's about some of the more subtle boundaries, basically any time he can see us having a moment of closeness - be it a conversation, a kiss or sitting close during a film, DSS wants to interject.

I think for me what was needed is for me and DP to agree between us that there are parts of our relationship that we can preserve just for us. That doesn't mean I am allowed to refuse to reconfigure seating sometimes, or that he is either. It just means it's been said and we both understand and agree.

His children are resident, so the 'limited time with dad' view isn't applicable for us, but I can see that could be an issue for yours.

Is it worth having a chat with your Dp to establish that he agrees to keep just a small part of your relationship just for you two?

If you know he's in agreement with that, the whole seating thing maybe won't hurt your feelings so much?

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

My DP has a spot too. If he wants to sit in it and any of the kids are in it (including dsd) he will tell them to move out of it.

I don't really have a spot but there is plenty of room on the couch, and I tend to sit with DS1 in the evenings before he goes to bed either cuddling up, reading a book, talking about his day, doing his guided reading with him, etc.. Sometimes i have to get up for some reason or other like make him a drink, and I wouldn't like it if someone (including dsd) is then sat where I was sat when I get back. DS is out all day and when his brothers are in bed I like to spend a little bit of time with him before he goes to bed.