DP thinks DSD is here to see us both

[NZmonkey]

Just trying to get other peoples thoughts. I think DSD is here at our place to see DP if she sees me too that's great because she likes me but she is not here to see me. DP thinks I'm wrong she has contact time at ours to see BOTH of us.

That's totally unreasonable of him then! He can go out and leave her, and he's her father; but you as a step mum can't?! What planet is he on? How the hell does he manage to justify that logic?

It's not something you have to join in on. Or your DSD to expect you either. Although, it's kind of nice to be included?

Mind you, my Ex makes a big deal of our son having time with his gf. I think he needs to feel that everyone that is close to him is also close to his son. My son is happy to go with it, but when they separated for a few months was made far too involved. Sometimes I do think my Ex is trying to recreate a new family unit there, which feels a little strange. Not sure if any of that helps you!

So you had to work (ie not fun) and then used your time baking, cycling and watching a film 1:1 with DSD and he then begrudged you an hour for the gym.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. He is being unreasonable.

If she was your own daughter and you'd split the weekend as you say, he would still be unreasonable to grudge you your gym trip.

I think the thing is to make sure the arrangements are decided before she arrives.

This sounds like a one off, perhaps you could explain how important the gym trips are to you and you are tired in the evening or like to spend your Sunday evenings with him, or whatever, so preferred to go in the afternoon.

He sounds as if he was being a bit selfish and or thoughtless. Hopefully he doesn't do this often.

I'd have just gone to the gym and left him to it.

We have the kids EOW and Wednesdays, fairly usual pattern. DH had to work sometimes on a Wednesday night or wouldn't get back till late. He thought I'd still come home and cook tea for them on the Wednesday.

My view was they were here to see him - why would I be acting like the works canteen? So he'd change the day - but I think he was honestly a bit befuddled the first time I pointed it out.

In our situation they are round to see him, use our telly, eat out of our fridge - whatever. But my presence or absence is entirely of no matter.

why would I be acting like the works canteen?

Ha ha, Japan. I have recently cut back a lot on how much I cook at weekends. Yesterday afternoon I told DH (who is a capable cook) that there was some fresh chicken for him and DSD for dinner. He looked blank. He later asked "How should I cook this chicken?" to which I replied "However you want it!".

It shows me that I was right to cut back as I have been doing every single meal for years now.

Bananas you are right it is lovely that they both want to include me in the things they do. Just hard when you get a double guilt trip on the odd times you have something else you'd like to do while they have time together.
Ssargasso this was a bit of a once off I got called into work so sort of messed with our usual routine. And once DSD had gone home I did say to him basically all the things you said which is what got us onto the DSD is here to see him not me conversation.
Japan your Wednesday night scenario was something I brought up with DP too as I believe DSDs mum wouldn't let DSD stay if DP wasn't going to be here.

DSD and i probably spend more one on one time with each other than her and DP do on the weekends.
However I do think it is wonderful that you get along so well with your DD and vice versa, I do find it sad that she actually spends more time with you than her father. After all, without imagining the worse, there is no guarantee you will always be in her life, her dad will.

I think your DP was totally in the wrong to even dare mentioning you having your time for yourself when you are already spending so much time with his DD and HE allows himself some time away from her. I think it does come down to him liking his freedom and relying on you to take over his responsibilities and I think that is very unfair towards his daughter and you.

I do find it sad that she actually spends more time with you than her father
this is the other reason i go to the gym, to ensure that they get some one on one time together. Otherwise if all three of us are at home she prefers to be doing what ever i am doing or be in which ever room im in and DP is more than happy to be elsewhere in the house doing his own thing.

So pretending to be super dad, but really finding her hard work and happy that you should do the entertaining and supervising whilst he sneak in to do the fun bits...ummmm.... sounds familiar.

It sounds like you get along great with her, which is wonderful, but be very careful not to set a precedence you can't sustain. I think this latest instance was essential for you to remind your OH that she is HIS daughter and you are free to go as you please and his excuses and guilt tripping to avoid his responsibilities are not acceptable.

Op you sound like a very caring and accommodating SM, so your DP is being unfair.

I dont think DP does much of the 'fun' bits either, he is more likely to sneak in then tell DSD off for being too noisy, making a mess, to hurry up etc. I very much agree with the rest of your post Swing
Thanks Bananas i try to do my best for both DP and DSD