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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being dramatically unreasonable?

45 replies

Andsoitbegins88 · 14/01/2016 19:32

If I am, do tell me - I'm so far out of my comfort zone I've no idea what's normal and what isn't!

DP has unexpectedly been away with work the last couple of nights which means he missed his night with his DC yesterday. He tells me today that, because of that, he'll (we'll...!) be having them tonight as well as tomorrow (we have them every Friday night) which means him going straight from work to take them to their various sporting clubs and be back home around 830-9pm.

I'm a little peeved on a number of fronts.

Firstly, I'd like to think he would discuss it with me rather than just tell me. We have only been living together a short while, though.

Secondly, he's been away from me all week and we'll have the children tomorrow, would it be so unreasonable to have tonight just us? I completely understand that he wants to see his children asap (in reality I don't understand as I don't have any myself, but I'm trying to understand) and he'd be a pretty rubbish person if he wasn't bothered that he missed seeing them yesterday but...well...I'm just feeling a little put out that I'm sat on my own again.

Thirdly, I've got to be on the road by 6am tomorrow so I need a relaxed evening and an early night. I'm likely to be going to bed around the same time as the DC (I know, I'm VERY cool) which is never a relaxing situation and often involves raised voices for a lot longer than necessary. Hardly ideal 5am alarm preparation.

DP doesn't see my issues and thinks I'm being difficult. Am I?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 14/01/2016 21:36

Like you I did find unexpected changes difficult, but if it's not a pattern then you will show him that you do understand by being graceful about it. You could admit that it's hard and say that you know you have to adjust, which takes time.

Babyorjob · 14/01/2016 21:44

It's your house too though. It's common courtesy to let you know what's going on and when. I've always been very firm with DP on that. I don't want to be told of plans because I think I have right of veto. I just want to be told so I feel like I have some control over what happens in my home.

Missdee2014 · 14/01/2016 21:49

You are being unreasonable. His children have missed their regular night with their dad, you're an adult I'm sure you can manage without him to yourself for an evening. Also, you are living with a man with children and difficult/busy nights and early mornings are part and parcel of family life.

People with your attitude are what causes rifts between separated parents as the non resident parent often (definately not always) tries to please their new partner in these situations.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/01/2016 23:20

Andso, I completely get how you feel. I don't live with my DP and part of that is because I don't think I could share him with his DCs on a regular basis. I have my own DCs and crave a little peace sometimes. One night a week all together is enough for me and like you, if I haven't seen him for a week I'd be desperate for a bit of 'us' time.

Regardless of whether it's selfish to actually expect it, I think it's perfectly reasonable to wish for it!

He has had to explain to his boss this week that he isn't enthusiastic about 'networking' events and overseas travel with work because he is either abandoning his DCs, who he only sees for half the week, or me, his gf who he only sees for half the week. His boss said 'fair point'!

Realising that your DP has priorities which you don't share can be tough. Obviously I like spending time with DP and all of our DCs but it can be wearing, whereas time with just him and me is bliss! Personally I'd appreciate a bit of time to myself while he was out doing the freezing cold work of parenting, then plan something nice for your next night off.

swingofthings · 15/01/2016 07:07

I don't think you are unreasonable, I think you are still at the early stages of understanding what it is to share your life with a man who has children. The reality is that it isn't and never will be the same than if you'd moved in with a man without them, and there will always be sacrifices and compromises that you will need to make that you wouldn't have had otherwise, and one of them is less privileged time with him only.

Do trust him that he is doing is utter most to be a best dad and a good partner. If at any time you feel unsettled, take the time to assess whether you think it is more about you not accepting the above, or truly him not balancing his role properly. If you can make an argument that it is the second rather than the first, discuss it with him, but don't confront him just before or after the event, and don't make it out that it makes him a bad person, just one who is also trying to learn to adjust to his new life.

I think that the best way forward is for both of you to be clear what you are responsible together, and what you are responsible separately. Together you share a home, so yes, anything either of you do that will impact on your every day life, you should be sharing with each other in advance. You are however responsible for your own sleep quality, so when if you need time to chill out before you go to sleep, take yourself out of the situation earlier. He is responsible for his kids, so it will be up to him to sort out night time and making sure they are not loud so it disturbs you.

After the two days, why don't you suggest you two do something just you and him one evening?

Original poster

Andsoitbegins88 · 15/01/2016 07:35

If at any time you feel unsettled, take the time to assess whether you think it is more about you not accepting the above, or truly him not balancing his role properly. If you can make an argument that it is the second rather than the first, discuss it with him, but don't confront him just before or after the event, and don't make it out that it makes him a bad person, just one who is also trying to learn to adjust to his new life

That makes perfect sense, thanks swing reading that has made me realise I'm confusing the two things which must make life harder for DP.

mark thank you, nice to know I'm not the only (unreasonable) wishful thinker! Unfortunately he can't opt out of the work stuff although he does manage to keep his nights with the boys on the whole - and rightly so. It just means 'our' time together is more limited as his trips and overtime then happen on the nights we don't have the boys. Ah well, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right

OP posts:

swingofthings · 15/01/2016 08:12

And just to add, you desire to enjoy as much as time as possible together will ease too! I remember before I moved in with my partner, that's all I counted my days for. Then when we did move in together, I still yearn for any time just him and I. 7 years later, when he goes away for work, all I think is 'yipee, I get the bed for me only and can look forward to a good night sleep!'.

What we do though is go away on week-ends together where we rekindle all those lovely feelings shared at the start of a relationship and it is wonderful. We made it our Christmas presents to each other, because it really is the best present we can share. We try to do it 3 or 4 times a year and so far, even when we left home at each other's throat, we have always come back more in love then ever!

WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 10:06

He should have run it by you first, that's what happened when you live with someone, you respect that it's not all about one persons needs. If he want the freedom to do as he pleases and not consult his partner he should live on his own.

whatdoIget · 15/01/2016 10:15

Get some earplugs then you can get to sleep and ignore the bedtime shouting

Wdigin2this · 15/01/2016 17:34

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable for thinking that way, you're disappointed and you feel it! The trick is you can't show it, you have to grin and bear it....basically put on a happy face and join in!

If this man is important to you, you'll have to accept the DC as part of your lives, for a long time, or you'll end up resentful and him defensive, which will eventually pull you apart!

And that folks....is why when first on my own, I avoided men with young DC like the plague!

WhoGivesAFlying · 16/01/2016 13:56

I have read your other post, your son only has one childhood, don't let this bully destroy it. You know what you need to do.

Original poster

Andsoitbegins88 · 16/01/2016 14:17

whogives sorry, what bully?

OP posts:

WhoGivesAFlying · 16/01/2016 14:31

The OP's partner.

WhoGivesAFlying · 16/01/2016 14:33

Just realised this it the wrong thread! Sorry op

Original poster

Andsoitbegins88 · 16/01/2016 14:43

Haha! No probs, just thought I'd missed something!

OP posts:

riverboat1 · 17/01/2016 10:34

I think this is one of those situations where of course you're going to feel a bit pissed off and grumpy, but ultimately have to suck it up and accept it with good grace.

Bluelilies · 17/01/2016 17:46

I don't think there's any easy answers. You need time together and he also needs to catch up with his kids, who need to see their dad.

My DH goes away for work for a week at a time (Mon-Fri) every few months. We always have the DSC every weekend and I always find it hard when he gets back. I really feel I need some time just with him to chat and catch up on the week, but as soon as he's back the DSC arrive and the house is full. DH is also jet-lagged and because he's been out the office for a week, he has work issues to sort out too very often. It's never going to be easy and I got quite stressed and unhappy the first few times. There are a few things I've found which help a bit though - trying to get the kids off to bed not to late, so we get a bit of adult time in the evening, and if that fails, suggesting an early night for us, so we can have a natter in bed. DH is also quite good at skyping or phoning whilst he's away, which helps avoid too many things we need to talk about once he's back.

But the main thing I do also just prepare myself mentally for finding a weekend with the DSC when DH has just got back a challenge. I'll get the food all sorted for everyone (as DH is usually jet-lagged and knackered) but also make plans to out with friends if I can, or ring my sister for a long chat so DH can catch up with his kids and I'll be distracted from wanting to spend time with him. Then I'll make sure DH and I both set aside some nice time to spend together once the DSC have gone back - eg book to go out to dinner on the Monday night. Having some adult time to look forward to helps a lot.

howtodowills · 17/01/2016 18:27

Think long and hard about whether he's the right man for you!

His kids will always be there and will always come first

Wdigin2this · 17/01/2016 18:38

Another thing you need to consider......things don't always get easier as the DC grow up! He will always be their father, (and in my experience) always be guilted out that they didn't grow up in the same home as him, so he will always be trying to compensate, financially and with his time and
energy!!! You'll need to either accept this is how it is, or look for someone without kids!

WSM123 · 18/01/2016 02:59

i totally understand that you wanted some time with him (been in the same situation) but my mantra became, not my monkeys, not my circus. do your own thing, go to bed early, and breathe a sigh when they leave and then have quality time with him.
I wouldn't say you are being unreasonable, just getting used to a relationship where you have to "be alone" as well.

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