Back down and save the children feeling conflicted?

[Andsoitbegins88]

We've got the DSS's this evening and we have booked to go to see Star Wars. DP has just spoken to the eldest DS (12) who said his Mum has told him he can't watch Star Wars with us as she wants to watch it with them. So now he's saying we can't go to the cinema as his Mum will be cross.

Just for completeness, when Spectre came out DP told his ex we were taking the boys to see it on his weekend and she said no, she didn't want him to. No reason why or any explanation, so we went anyway. DP said she's never enjoyed the cinema and he often went alone with the boys so assumed she was just being difficult. Anyway, she called whilst we were at the cinema, DP text her to say he'd call when the film was over and she went apeshit. Drove to the cinema (30 mins from her), was calling him continuously and texting telling him how outraged she was he went against her wishes etc etc. Thankfully she wasn't allowed past the cinema staff but was threatening to come and remove the boys from the cinema. Still no real explanation why, DP said that if she particularly wanted to see Spectre with the boys then she could have articulated that but, given that she doesn't enjoy the cinema, he couldn't understand why she was so angry he'd taken them; she didn't really respond except with abuse.

So now she's explicitly told the eldest DS not to see Star Wars with us, what do we do? He's clearly uncomfortable and in the middle, poor chap, but we've booked and paid for it. And this is just her being controlling and manipulative, as standard. Part of me wants to ignore her but I know she'll take it out on the DSSs, so would you be the bigger person and lose the money already spent to save the children the hassle?

Christmas presents is a whole different issue to a trip to the cinema though. It's not even vaguely comparable.

It is normal to want to communicate over what presents to buy for the kids so as to avoid duplication, but I would never consider it even a thought to communicate over a trip to the cinema. That level of micro management is far too involved.

Incidentally, would anyone consider it ok to e.g. Tell a twelve year old that he wasn't allowed to see Star Wars with his mates because he should be seeing it with his mum? No of course not. So if that's. Ok then the refusing to allow to see it with his dad is just being petty and vindictive on the part of his mum. And I am usually one of the first to point out that ex wives are not always the evil bitches the new dh's like to say they are.

This is one of those tricky things about separated families I guess. It's inevitable duplicates of trips / gifts things etc will come up. Recently I had booked a special ice skating trip for DP, DSS and I one weekend...only to find out that he had gone ice skating with his mum the day before. DP mentioned to his ex how much DSS had liked something or other, and then they both ended up getting him that thing for his birthday. On a larger scale, when we told DSS's mum where we were going for our summer holiday with DSS this year she told us that's where she had been planning on going with him next year!

Luckily we can all work it out between us as we are on friendly terms, but it IS inevitably disappointing to one side or the other who has planned something but ends up being 'beaten' there by the other one. I guess I can see how that translates to anger where there is a bad relationship between parents, but really the behaviour described by the ex in the OP seems incredibly selfish and OTT.

The ironic thing though is that I bet most kids are perfectly happy to get doubles of presents / experiences etc. I know DSS certainly ended up being really happy going ice skating again, getting two of the same present (one for each house) and certainly won't mind having the same wonderful holiday twice! It's the parents/step-parents here who are the ones who feel hurt or that the experience won't be as good for THEM knowing the kid has already done it. It really is one of those things you need to be very unselfish about as an adult I think.

"The ironic thing though is that I bet most kids are perfectly happy to get doubles of presents / experiences etc. I know DSS certainly ended up being really happy going ice skating again, getting two of the same present (one for each house) and certainly won't mind having the same wonderful holiday twice! It's the parents/step-parents here who are the ones who feel hurt or that the experience won't be as good for THEM knowing the kid has already done it. It really is one of those things you need to be very unselfish about as an adult I think." yes totally agree. On occasion my ds has come to me and said that he'd like to go to x or y again having already been there with XH. And part of that is IMO the wanting to experience that with me as well. Sometimes I will do it, others not, as I don't necessarily always want to duplicate things he's done with XH and similarly I'm sure that XH would feel the same. But equally sometimes he may have enjoyed something and just want to go there again.

Incidentally, DS saw Star Wars with XH on Monday, and then went again with his best friend on Tuesday. .

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and opinions, there's no right answer necessarily so it's really interesting to hear different view points.

We've been gradually watching Star Wars with the boys in anticipation of the film coming and have talked about it loads, I think DP made an assumption rather than being manipulative. At no point before yesterday did DS say their Mum wanted to take them, although I fully accept that had a conversation happened with DP and their DM this could have been avoided.

cheese my surprise was at the strength of the wording in relation to a cinema trip, more than anything. There was no insinuation and I genuinely wasn't being sarcastic, although reading it back I can see how it could have been read that way. He clearly feels it though, which is why we didn't go.

You've hit the nail on the head IMO wannaBe

My dcs would have happily gone twice. In fact, I could see them telling each parent separately that they'd like them to go, so they could see it twice.