Feeling so down. Think this is the end.

[coffeeisnectar]

After nearly four years I think we've reached the point of accepting this won't work, well I have anyway.

Dsd is 12. Over the years there has been battles over night lights, bedrooms, ignoring us all, whining that I treat her different, that I don't tell her off, that I do tell her off, that I pick on her. All complaints coming via email from her mum. All saying dsd upset.

Yesterday she went to meet a friend. An hour later she sent a text asking if she could stay for dinner and dp said yes. Then asked if she could sleep over. Dp said no as he barely sees her anymore and it all kicked off. Endless texts begging, pleading, demanding to stay over, refusing to come home, accusing dp of refusing to see her before Xmas (very last minute request and we had plans in place for a month), then saying she never gets to see her friend and how unfair it was. Dp got really annoyed and said it's not happening and will collect her at 9. He would then have an hour to talk to her before picking my oldest up from work.

They all got home and I asked him how it went. He said she had told him she was scared of me. Totally deflected her behaviour and blamed me. I have shouted at her once in four years, never hit her or anything like that. I just feel utterly deflated that she's basically blaming me for her behaviour and he's not pulled her up on her attitude at all. If it was one of mine his attitude would be different.

So I am Sat here at home while they've all gone out. I won't be around her anymore as I don't want to risk any more accusations and I've told dp to move out. I just can't handle this endless manipulation any more.

So as not to drip feed she's accused me of stealing her keys, stealing her socks, hiding a phone charger and kept hiding a night light in her bag and then accusing my dd of doing it to get her into trouble. The night light eventually disappeared completely and it turned out she had taken it home because she needed it. However we had eight months of tears because she couldn't sleep with it on and my dd needed it on which was horrendous. My dd ended up falling down the stairs because dsd had switched it off so in the end she just took it home and we had to buy another one.

I love dp but I don't like his blind spot when it comes to dsd and his inability to parent her.

Sorry, best for me and my own DCs, not DSCs!

bobo He is not a doormat by any means. My youngest is waiting for assessment by paediatrics and she's a child who has meltdowns and has major issues over broken routines. He's very patient with her when at times I find it hard to cope with. He also picks teen up from work at 11pm to save me going out. He is a very laid back person and yes, he's a Disney dad with a blind spot but certainly not a doormat with no boundaries.

To everyone that's posted, thank you for taking the time to respond. I'm shattered today, 3 hours sleep after a painful night is making a few days in hospital seem attractive as at least I won't need to get up and do anything.

Are you sure? Everything you write about him (including your most recent examples) is a red flag for doormat/boundary issues...

What i actually said was, I'm dreading this happening to me if my exdp meets someone new.
I wasn't having a go at you op.
I was pointing out how sometimes blended families just don't work.

Oh good, hope the aunt can take her, that sounds like it would be a really helpful outcome for you. Hope your DP understands that too! You could also play up the fact that your DD is likely to be very disrupted by you being indisposed, so having further disruption is likely to cause more meltdowns? That might help his thinking about it all too...

I dropped that thought on him last night and said for a while, until I'm mobile it would be best if she went to her aunts and he can go there. He didn't really say anything which means he's thinking it through. I hope he understands why.

Oldest dsd came up today and it was lovely to see her. She said ex badmouths me and dp constantly (or did when dsd was still there, so doubt that's changed), says ex babies dsd and dp needs to put his foot down with her. She said "she's their perfect princess, neither of them can see how manipulative she is". Dp is at work but I will talk to him again later. It's quite nice to feel validated and that I'm not the only one who sees this.

It's so sad that neither parent can so how much they are actually damaging their DD and encouraging such unpleasant characteristics, life is going to hit her very hard when she stops being able to get her own way.

Haven't read all the comments but do you think it's possible that the ex is putting ideas in the girls head?
I ask this because I have been on the receiving end of that. Many many times