Christmas - Step Parent tips for survival?! [fwink]

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Christmas is coming - is it the time to spead joy and forgiveness?!

Any tips on how to survive?

My DP has his 4 DSCs and our DSC all together for the day for the first time. The two eldest are quite tricky, one has avoided me for most of the year, pointedly ignoring me, the other treats DP like a cash machine.

DP and me have been rocky on and off for months because of resentment being thrown at me from his kids and ExW bitching about me. I'll miss my son as he's with his Dad.

And I'm cooking the dinner!

Despite all the mess or the tension, and the (6) years of trying to make it work, and the utter despondancy in the last year when all the kids seem to becoming more and more indifferent towards me - I'm determined to give it one last try!

glen I will do that, just pre prep the veg and chuck in the Turkey - tbh the dinner is never going to be 'right' so why stress? Thanks for advice!

bananas Does it have to be you who does everything? If your DSC have strong views about how to cook veg, or whatever could any of them be charged with doing certain parts of the meal? Or pudding? Snacks for the evening? Or get your DP to do something? That way you'd feel less put up upon and would have a chance to model the kind of appreciation of someone else's cooking that they seem to be lacking.

Remember that a lot of the feelings you feel in regards to the step-children, many parents feel about their own kids too! There are some great children around who actually have an insight of what preparing dinner involves and therefore are able to express gratefulness, but I think for most kids, it is taken for granted, probably like most of us did when we were kids too.

Many kids spending Christmas in the unit of their mum and dad will have tantrums on the day, show lack of appreciation when they open their presents, will expect to be in charge the remote control and decide what everyone should watch.

So when you reach the point you want to strangle your SC, remember that you will share the feeling with many mums around the country!

Thanks purple and swing. Good advice! I have two of my own who are normal in that they exasperate me sometimes but i get something back too. With my step kids I've known them for years and its the complete indifference to me that I find soul destroying. They actively keep themselves totally separate.

Lucky for me dss mum doesn't seem to cook, so I get compared to Findus frozen means which is less emotional!
But he hates all food anyway so you can't win.

Out Oh no! Findus frozen and you still can't win! At least ExW stopped making DPs 'favourite cakes' every time he did her a favour after I said 'this is a bit weird'. Progress!

I'm not sure there's any winning when it comes to cooking for fussy DSC sometimes - DSS once complained that my spaghetti bolonaise made with actual tomatoes and herbs wasn't as good as when his dad makes it with a jar of dolmio sauce and not stirred because it didn't have as many "yummy lumpy bits" in it I'm sure he'd be capable of comparing my cooking unfavourably to a findus pancake if what I'd served him wasn't entirely like something he'd had before.

Agree purple! Except to make it VERY annoying, for years I didn't change a thing, stuck to their mums/dads recipes for everything (my own child had to change) - and then in the last year I've heard that they are accepting all kinds of changes in meals at their mums house as they basically respect and basically won't accept me. Grrr.... !

sorry, basically respect their Mum but don't me... it's that type of refusal to budge that gets to me.

its my first xmas with partners kids (5 and 10), last year he popped to see them for an hour xmas day at his EXW's and we had them boxing day onwards, this year we get them from 23rd to noon on xmas day and im so excited! Big kid myself so having kids around xmas eve/day is lovely and ive done so much to try and make it a magical xmas :)

hoping all my illusions arent shattered,ut they are great kids and as excited about it as i am!

You sound a kind SM shoes, I hope you have a wonderful day.

bananas thank you that's a lovely thing to say!
Think my DP reckons I've gone a bit mental as had xmas eve plate made with their names on for Santa and rudolphs treats, and gave reindeer food and 'magic dust' to sprinkle over garden with them! Lol! Can't wait!
Hope your day goes well too and you have a very merry xmas with all the kids and they appreciate your effort!

I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year, mainly because I've had a major change in attitude which means I've set the bar way lower than normal. We'll have MIL staying and all DSCs are with us, and other in-laws visiting, so the house will be packed but I have my bedroom to retreat to if needed. I'm not beating myself up this year, I am only cooking the stuff I want/like, I have not done stockings for the DSCs, only for DD and am not doing presents for any of the in-laws. DH was left to do main presents for the DSCs so I had none of that stress, but I have found perfect 'little' presents for each of them and enjoyed buying them and will enjoy seeing them open what are all personal meaningful presents - the one the eldest DSC is getting is going to blow his mind it's so good! I know I won't get a presents from them so have no illusions about that. My expectations are really low in terms of I don't expect it to be a wonderful warm and happy time with everyone getting on, and as a consequence I've never felt so relaxed about Christmas (I might even be looking forward to it!!??)
I think my antidepressants are finally kicking in!

Go sneezie! You sound like you have still been thoughtful and inclusive to all. Meaningful presents are the hardest. Setting the bar low is the way to go.

I am just wishing for there to be no atmosphere eminating my way for once. To not be ignored would be wonderful.

I am just wishing for there to be no atmosphere eminating my way for once. To not be ignored would be wonderful.

Me too Banana it gets worse every year even though the eldest is now married with her own kids and a DSS and does DH say anything, does he 'eck. The only time they speak at me is to criticise my cooking - veg is not supposed to be mushy. As the afternoon drags on I feel more and more like an outsider in my own home and by bedtime me and DH have fallen out.

I'm prepared for more of the same this year so at least when I'm upset I can fingers crosssed take a deep breath, kick myself up the arse and say stupid woman what did you expect instead of lashing out at DH after they've gone and spoiling his day

Any gamblers want to give me odds on the chance of that happening? MNHQ we need a flying pig emoticon

Oh no Notsoskinny - that is just so demoralising. Your DH, like mine, won't see 'ignoring' or won't want to. I've lowered my expectations of DP ever seeing/doing anything about it.

It seems to be getting much worse for me too, as 3 of the kids are now just adults. I can't remember when I was asked anything or talked to AT ALL by anyone of them.

They arrived yesterday, totally ignored me. DSC3 woke both me and DP up as he is taking her to work but without asking him the night before, wanted to go 30 minutes earlier than planned. Then she complained that 'there were only 2 toothbrushes', again knocking at our door. She hasn't bothered to stay with us for months (because she has a weekend job now) - and now expects everything to be waiting for her?!

How was everyone's Christmas Day? All went okay here, relatively to plan and ended it with happy DSC and my lot were thrilled to bits to have shared the day with us all. Big phew.

Banana, sorry you're stuck with ungrateful DSC, they don't deserve you! Was the food as you wanted it and did you and DP get through alright?

Thanks Anne - it was better than expected! Everyone made an effort, my DP was really conscious of me too and stopped them from being rude or taking over too much. I even got a present, first Christmas present ever from DSCs in over 6 years - and three of them working adults - it was one from all of them and not the greatest in thought but small steps in the right direction so I was really chuffed.

It wasn't all roses of course, it's not comfortable at all, I still don't get included or particularly noticed, which is crazy since I've spent years with them all, they are basically not ever going to let me feel like I am anything on their lives. That's awful for DP too. BUT for once there was no animosity on top of being ignored, even from DSD2 who had been real trouble. DSD1 pointedly went to her mothers instead, but even that didn't dampen it too much.

Glad Anne it went well.

Did others have a good day?