Struggling with DSD's (6) behaviour.

[Hairyfairybumscary]

We have DSD every weekend from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. She lives 60 miles away and is at school so apart from holidays, more access is not possible.

Her behaviour has always been challenging but seems to get better and then deteriorate and vice versa. She's pretty unpredictable at times.

This weekend has been very tough, I'm currently working FT and am 6 months pregnant with a 2 year old DD as well. I've always treated DSD as one of my own, I'm consistent with rules and consequences for both good behaviour and be behaviour.

She hates anybody being near her dad including DD. If myself and DP are sat together then she will sit in between us and kick an shove me until I move. If he puts his arm around me she will demand a cuddle and will cry and scream until she gets her way. He put his hand on my lap last night in the car on the way back from a bonfire and she had a meltdown. She is the same with DD.

DSD and DP get Saturday together by them selves, I work 9-5 and I pay for DD to go to a childminder so that they can have this time together as we've always thought it was important so he is getting 1 on 1 time with him.

Any way, I got back from work yesterday afternoon and our friends had turned up with their 11 month old baby daughter, we decided that we would all go to a local bonfire together, it didn't start until 7:30 so we had a little time to kill and watched on as the kids played in the front room. DP was talking to our friends and DSD was interrupting constantly, he told her not to speak over him and that it was rude to do so, she didn't listen and carried on until she got her own way. She then trapped DDs arm in the door and way pushing her weight on it so she couldn't get free, DD has a bruise on her arm from this. DP took DSD too me out, she eventually apologised to DD and went back to playing.

She was whizzing about on a ride on truck so I just said 'mind you don't run over people's toes and fingers' to which she drove straight over DDs toe, I had to physically pull her off the ride on toy to get her to stop, yet again, I have an inconsolable toddler after being in the house for just 30 minutes.

She then resorted to flinging toys about, after being told that she could hurt someone or break the toy she was flinging she said 'I don't care because I've got loads more toys at my mummy's house anyway. Keep your rubbish broken toys here.' Took the toy she was flinging away from her so had a tantrum about that. She calmed down and then resorted to turning the light switch on and off, after initially ignoring it I asked her politely to turn the light back on and to stop flicking the switch. She screamed and shouted at me to shut up so I took her into her room to have a word about her behaviour away from any distractions. She then hit me in the face. I left her to let her (and myself) calm down at this point.

She behaved similarly at the bonfire, cried for her dad to carry her everywhere and when he said no, sat down and refused to walk then managed to get a nettle sting whilst she was sat down so started screaming about that. After she realised that wasn't working she got up and ran towards the fire, in other words put her self in danger so that she could get her own way.

I bought her a sausage sandwich, she didn't eat it but then expected me to buy a cake afterwards. When I said no we had another meltdown screaming fit.

I can't deal with the disrespect anymore! I do everything I can to make sure we have a nice time when she's here, but she just ruins her self by carrying on like a spoiled brat! Any other strategies we could try?

My DD was really hard work at about that age. Clear boundaries, with clear and easily-enforced sanctions helped, and a sticker chart to reward good behaviour.

I used to give my DD small amounts of pocket money that she could spend too sweets, and deduct 1p for each time she played up. She always got a warning first ie "stop doing xxxx now DD or its a 1p fine" and if she carried on she'd be fined. It helped a lot, but you have to make the sanction something really small so that you don't hesitate to enforce it every time. She also got big fines (10-20p) which were applied instantly without warning if she did something knowingly dangerous or that hurt another child.

Your DP might also want to try talking directly to DSD about how she's feeling and the jealousy - at 6 a lot of children don't really understand their own emotions, so helping her understand and name her feelings may help. My DD was little older (7ish) when I got together with DH, but was ferociously jealous of me being at all mum-like with DSS. After one outburst of "he's not cute, he's not funny and you're my Mum!" we had a good chat about how she felt and lots of reassurance about how special she was to me which really did seem to help. DD is 12 now and we were talking about that time the other day and she was laughing at her younger self and quite unable to identify with how jealous and upset she'd been. She doesn't feel at all like that now and gets on very well with DSS.

Your dp is going to have to step up his game, he has chosen to have three children so he has to find a way of caring for three children on his own without anyone getting hurt. You sound like you are doing everything right, he has to do the rest.

Thank you all for your suggestions! Some food for thought there and I will certainly take it on board.

Thank you also for not jumping all over me! I was dubious about posting but I had got to my wits end and I'm feeling a little temperamental at the moment. I can usually deal with things so much better than I am now!

DP does need to learn to be consistent and I think this is where the problem lies mostly.

I think very, many fathers of children who visit EW/EOW, struggle to properly parent their DC. Apart from the logistical difficulties, they are so reluctant to upset the DC by adopting any kind of authoritarian roll, by which I mean normal everyday telling off for rudeness etc, instructions to tidy rooms/put their dirty clothes away/clear up their own mess....just about anything really! They want the house to be a Disney Entertainment Palace for their DC to always have fun in....just in case they don't want to come again!!

I think you are doing well. It sounds like DP is trying to but in a difficult position as he probably feels guilty.

I think she will gradually grow out of it.
(Doesn't make it easier just now though).

One thing if dp is there and dsd hurts dd can you try to make sure dp conforts dd and gives her lots of attention.

My dts have massive fights. These days I let them get on with it mostly - they are the same size and if you remove the referee half the time they don't want to fight anynore but when they were younger I always gave the victim lots of attention and removed the culprit. The culprit soon learned that if they wanted aytention that was the wrong way to get it. So if DD gets maximum attention from dp wvery time dsd is nean to her she might realise it is counter productive.

Also how long is it since parents split. Is the split or your cohabiting recent? She might just need more time to see that, no, dad is going nowhere and he will always be her dad. Also maybe skypes in between visits might help to make her feel less like she is nissing things.

Thanks again for your replies.
DP does try to be consistent but if he's not on top of his game, turns into Disney daddy.

Myself and DO have been together for 5 years and moved in together 4 years ago so it's not like this arrangement is new to her. In the past, her DM has made comments to DP such as 'you won't want DSD as much now you have the new baby,' and 'make sure our DD doesn't get pushed out when this new baby comes along.' He would also regularly ring him up crying whilst I was pregnant, i don't think that the whole guilt tripping thing helped really.

To be fair to DSD's DM though she hasn't tried any more manipulation since just after DD was born.

DSD sometimes comes out with things and we think, who has told her that or whose or that in her head but it's so easy to point the finger and blow something innocent out of all proportion so for the most part, we ignore any 'my mummy says this' etc