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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How old were you when you became a stepparent?

46 replies

PrettyBrightFireflies · 30/10/2015 08:18

Just that really?

Reading recent threads got me thinking; do the successes and challenges of stepparenting vary depending on the age and life experience of the stepparent?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LBOCS2 · 01/11/2015 20:05

I was 24 when I met DH, 25 when we married. DSS was 2.5 when we met, I'm not sure he remembers life without me in it.

It has been difficult in parts; nothing to do with DSS, entirely to do with DH's goady ex. He deals with it, I support him in his dealings with her. It is what it is.

DiscoDiva70 · 01/11/2015 21:42

I agree that some ex's can be difficult, but so can some step mums

You only have to look at the thread where a woman didn't want her Op's children in her house, for no credible reason to see an example.
It's also funny how pretty and Mascara can judge me when they were on that thread posting cruel comments regarding these children.
Do these two follow each other around MN I wonder? like little sidekicks
I'm off, I.can't bare to be in another thread with those two stirrers in it as I would turn to drink and I don't value their ridiculous opinions anyway.

Original poster

PrettyBrightFireflies · 01/11/2015 21:59

i can't bare to be in another thread with those two stirrers in it

Why post on a thread I started, then?

OP posts:

WSM123 · 02/11/2015 00:54

yes Disco some stepparents can be difficult, but when those who are the victims of evil vindictive ex's open up about it they don't expect the likes of a diva like you jumping down their throat. I agree with Pretty, its her post so if you don't like it F* off

Asteria36 · 02/11/2015 01:32

I was 34 when I met DH. His DC were 4 and 6. I have lost count of the amount of times I have considered separation due to the bullshit that we have to deal with from his ex. She will emotionally bully and manipulate the dsc, DH and has a fair old crack at my DS and i. DH made the mistake of marrying her and I get to share the joy! Now my life is so dominated and controlled by her toxicity towards us that my health has suffered. I am now unable to work as a consequence.
Phew! That was good to get off my chest!

MascaraAndConverse89 · 02/11/2015 01:34

Ohh Disco get a grip.
I'm sure Pretty will agree that neither of us are sad enough to follow each other around on MN.
And some SMs are difficult. I don't doubt that for one minute.

3phase · 02/11/2015 05:12

I was 27 when I met my husband. DSD (result of a ons) was 3 months old. We married when I was 29. I didn't have much of a relationship with DSD until after we were married and she was a toddler. DH has her 50% of the time now and has had for years.

I don't think age itself made much difference but experience might have done. I wish I'd known about these boards back then. I was totally ill-equipped to deal with the emotions that come with step-parenting. I genuinely thought I'd be able to love her like my own which seems ridiculous to me now I've actually had my own. I find it very hard.

WhoGivesAFlying · 07/11/2015 22:27

Met DH when i was 29, met kids six months later, saw them regularly when we had our own place at 30 and married at 31. Then had our own ds at 33 (my first)

swingofthings · 08/11/2015 10:28

Now my life is so dominated and controlled by her toxicity towards us that my health has suffered. I am now unable to work as a consequence.

Really? If that is the case, why are you even getting involved with it all. It's not your problem, it's your OH.

That's what I don't understand with some SM. They complain about the effect the ex's behaviour has on them, but seem totally unprepared to take a step back and not get involved. No SM needs to get involved with the ex in any way, but I do think there is a part of wanting to be in control that gets in the way, and probably that interference that really gets to the ex.

If things are bad and don't look like they are going to get better, step out of it and let your OH deal with it. I bet in most cases, that will in itself make things much easier for him.

Original poster

PrettyBrightFireflies · 08/11/2015 10:50

That's what I don't understand with some SM. They complain about the effect the ex's behaviour has on them, but seem totally unprepared to take a step back and not get involved

Some exW won't accept being 'left alone' no matter how much the SM tries.

My DHs ex interfered with our home and my business - losing me income and attempting to damage my professional reputation.

OP posts:

Hairyfairybumscary · 08/11/2015 11:19

18!! DP's DD was only 1 at the time!

Redberrypie · 08/11/2015 11:26

31 and whilst ex is not particularly difficult, she is not someone I would choose to have in my life.

There are ups and downs but generally okay, 5 years down the line. Different ages and stages present different issues.

Everytimeref · 08/11/2015 11:37

I have been a step mum twice first time when I was 30, second time 43, age hasn't made a difference either time. (The first relationship failed after 3 years due to outside influences)

Its definitely harder being a step mum than a single mum. I really cant get to grips with my role as step parent. Every other weekend I don't know how I should be with my DH children. The oldest completely ignore me, I find myself ignoring him too, but that seems so wrong. Now my role seems to be that I am in the background cooking meals, cleaning the house and washing clothes, while dad "does stuff with his children"

My DH ex still has an major impact in our lives, which I find hard to deal with, I wasn't the other woman, it was my DH ex who had an affair and instigated the divorce, so will does she think she still has a right to dictate my DH life.

OutToGetYou · 09/11/2015 00:45

I was 41 when I met dp, didn't meet dss for a year or so. He was 9 when I met him, 14 now. We moved in together two and a half years ago, so dss was 12.

Wdigin2this · 09/11/2015 01:58

I have a friend whose partner's EW, constantly phones about mundane things like, 'don't forget the DC have to be in school at (whatever) o'clock'...like they haven't been doing this for two years and didn't know what time school starts?!!!
They got rid of the land-line, the ex doesn't have my friend's number, but she still rings friend's partner at least 5 or 6 times EVERY day at various random times, never a pattern so he can't really turn his phone off. The nonsense she calls with is just daft....'don't forget to put little Johnny's cuddle blanket in bed with him', he's 4 and has cuddled it every night since birth, 'don't give little Suzy X cereal, she won't eat it', they know from long experience which cereal the child eats!! I think she's either still trying to control her EH or, she seriously has a problem letting her children go to another woman!

Thesearegoodtimes · 09/11/2015 13:32

I don't think it's anything to do with age. I think it depends on the maturity of the step parent, whether they are able to own any issues that are their own and not project them and how they deal with a life where things will often be out of their control. Some SPs are able to shrug off things an ex or Dsc might say or do, others see red or take stuff really personally and act out. And there's a load of people in varying positions in the middle of the two. IME it's not an age thing.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 09/11/2015 17:51

Wow Wdigin she still rings friend's partner at least 5 or 6 times EVERY day at various random times! How did your friend stick it out? That is nuts. That makes my own situation feel like peanuts in comparison!

Perhaps not to do with age though. My friends Mum and Dad split up about 4 years ago. I really like her Mum, she's great, but she has been behaving in a really stalkerish way towards her Ex Husband still - turning up at his house etc - my friend is at her wits end with her Mum and finds it really hard - I think a woman scorned is quite a force to deal with!

shoeaddict83 · 20/11/2015 10:27

i was 29 when i met my partner (not DH yet!!) and he was 40 with 2 kids 4 and 9. Been together 2 years now and life has changed for the better, we have an amazing 'step' family unit and i couldnt be happier. His ex-wife has been fairly difficult at times since i came on the scene which i do sort of understand as im with her children alot, but i treat them as i would my own and things seem to be improving slowly!

Must admit i never ever thought id be in a relationship with kids from a previous marriage but i cant imagine it any other way now.

cappy123 · 01/12/2015 02:48

39 met when DSD was 11. Married at 41. Ex is fine, good even (we get on). DSD generally good too. DH needs to sort Disneying though. Stepparenting side not as difficult as marriage.

StUmbrageinSkelt · 01/12/2015 03:06

Met at 26, married at 28. Very difficult relationship with DSD for numerous reasons. Some were my issues, some were her dad's, some were hers and some were his ex's. We did try therapy but got nowhere. I was shocked when his ex said as far as she was concerned I had no role whatsoever and it was fine for her daughter to not speak to me ever and that if her dad left the country tomorrow that would work just fine.

I finally realised DSD was older than I was when I married her father and it was OK for me to finally totally disengage and protect her half brothers from her toxicity. She's never going to grow up WRT her father's second marriage and second family. She's got the one on one relationship with her dad she always wanted.

Evie37 · 14/12/2015 08:39

I was 18 and my husband was 23, never bother(ed/s) me though, my own mother was 16 when she had my older sister so it didn't sound too young to me.

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