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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Developmental question

57 replies

WSM123 · 11/10/2015 22:29

DSS 3yr,5mth old. He doesn't speak at an age appropriate level, you can understand occasional words but its mostly babble and everything begins with "d" Dish for fish, etc. He is only partly toilet trained (mostly because his mother didn't bother until recently) he doesn't seem to interact with kids other than his brother (at park just wants to swing, or climb trees rather than play with others), he doesn't know colours and doesn't ask all the "annoying" questions most pre-schoolers do.
His physical development/coordination etc seems fine but to me he seems cognitively delayed. Am I righto be concerned or should I ignore it? I have mentioned the speech and my partner agreed but was convinced by his ex that he was just shy around us so didn't speak, I tried to point out that he doesn't not talk, he just isn't understandable (like hes stuck at two).
Any advise appreciated

OP posts:
longdiling · 12/10/2015 10:51

He does seem slightly delayed, yes. What country are you in OP? I'm very surprised that any investigation by Social Services hasn't involved his other parent at all - so they must have spoken to your OH, right? And what did they say?

There does seem to be a strong implication from your posts that the child's mother is somehow to blame for his delay. This might well be why your OH is finding it difficult to work with her and engage her in his concerns. Perhaps if you tried not place the blame with her she might open up to him more?

Other than that I would look into the legalities of your OH taking him to some appointments himself/having access to medical records so he can get the ball rolling himself

DiscoDiva70 · 12/10/2015 11:02

Mascara
Yes, she's never met her and she's only spoken to her once, I'm sure she knows her really well Hmm

Also, I never said the mum was perfect, but the way the Op writes about her, in my view, is spiteful.

MascaraAndConverse · 12/10/2015 11:53

Disco you are pretty naive if you think that just because she hasn't met the mother she doesn't know anything about her. We all know on this forum that the mum hasn't bothered to let her child have any early years education so far. The op has also had abusive phone calls, which don't exactly paint the mum in a very good or dignified manner do they?

You also think the op is jealous of this woman? Why? What's there to be jealous about? Should we all sit there wishing we are our dsc's mum and anything negative said about the mum is therefore classed as jealousy?
I do not think the op is doing this for herself to make herself look good at all. She obviously cares a lot about her DSS and she works with children in her job. This is not some point scoring game against the mother, which you're making it out to be!

DiscoDiva70 · 12/10/2015 12:16

So, Mascara, because the Op has claimed she received an abusive phone call then she's telling the truth? Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. The childs mum isn't on here to defend herself is she?

She may well give you a very different story to the Op's for all you know!

What IS OBVIOUS is the Op has made other snide comments about the mum which are nothing to do with the little boys development.

You have your own opinion and that's fine, but I'd say it's YOU who is pretty naive to not see there are two sides to every story, and here you are only getting one!

pinkprimroses · 12/10/2015 12:59

Isn't that always the case on MN though Diva? If an OP posts that her DH has beaten her up, noone asks her whether there's two sides to every story, and prehaps she isn't telling the truth, or we shouldn't discuss her DH's behaviour because he isn't here to defend himself do they?

The same is true even for milder issues - such as a friend who has been rude or something, we don't start questioning whether the OP is lying, or doesn't know what the friend really thinks, etc.

Obviously if the OP is lying, she won't get very useful advice will she? But she's not asking for judgement, she's asking for advice, based on the information she's provided. We don't need to start spectulating on whether that's all true or not to be able to advise her on the situation she describes.

MascaraAndConverse · 12/10/2015 13:28

Exactly pink, Hence my first post on this thread.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 12/10/2015 14:23

Hi wsm sorry I am late to this thread. I have a 3 year old who is speech delayed so I have a lot of similarities - he is also incredibly shy. The 2 year check up wasn't concerned, so they won't necessarily refer to speech therapy unless pushed - my health visitor just said 'oh don't worry'!

I also have not potty trained my son because he doesn't understand a lot - I asked on the SN boards here at mumsnet and other people also said not to worry about that until later and concentrate on why the speech is delayed.

My DP hasn't wanted to do a lot about it either, I don't know what the Mum is this situation is like, of how she is as a parent - I wonder why she was refered to child services?

Going to the GP would be a obvious first step - but if this isn't being done - If I were you, I'd definately check the child's hearing - if you can afford it, privately or through your GP - it's not that much and may just save a load of hassle going between mother. That would be the number one I'd say. Bring it up with the mum of course. Then get on the waiting list for him to see a speech and language therapist, which can take a few months. I'm still waiting! His mum can do that through the GP or just phone up yourself and ask - google the nearest one and explain the situation. I can't see why it would need to be a big war with the Mum, your DP can just explain that he thinks it is important to get checked, and if she won't do all these steps just persist and say that you will instead.

DiscoDiva70 · 12/10/2015 19:09

pink, I tend to believe people when they post on MN because they seem genuine.

I would've believed the Op had the little boys interests at heart until I read the snide comments about 'the mother' in her posts, which as I've already mentioned were unrelated to this childs development.

The Op hasn't slated her partner for not actively seeking help ( if it actually is needed), why not?, he is the dad after all isn't he? No, she's chosen only to judge the mum. The mum who she's never clapped eyes on!

I'd say that if the Op really was genuinely concerned for this child, she would ask what to do for the best and not using her post as an opportunity to put his mum down.
It's also strange that the Op hasn't come back as yet.

Original poster
WSM123 · 11/11/2015 18:35

Thank you to the helpful people and diva can just piss off.
The most recent is my partner raised our worries and concerns (as other behaviours have cropped up in the past while) with his ex and her exact response was "f* off and die" . It's a real struggle to figure out if some behaviour is due to frustration with inability to communicate or if they are red flags for a broader developmental problem. My partner has said if she doesn't get his speech (at least) assessed he will.

OP posts:
cannotlogin · 11/11/2015 20:24

why is he raising 'our' concerns? can you not see that this would be problematic? that it would come across as an attack on her parenting?

Why should it be mum's responsibility to assess speech? If dad is worried, why not just get it done?

MascaraAndConverse89 · 11/11/2015 20:27

Well she sounds nice Hmm
If that's her stance then he should just go ahead and raise his concerns with the GP/health visitor without her.

cannotlogin · 11/11/2015 20:37

Well she sounds nice

About as nice as the OP who is happy to tell other posters to 'piss off' because she doesn't agree with their point of view, perhaps?

MascaraAndConverse89 · 11/11/2015 20:48

The OP hasn't told anyone to go and die.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 11/11/2015 20:56

That is worrying, not being able to communicate with EX on such a basic and fundamental issue, the kids delayed speech.

I'd say go to your DP, if he has parental guardianship, make an appointment with anyone, hearing/speech therapist so that you are 'in the system' - then explain worries and it'll hopefully be referred on and she'll have to cooperate.

Original poster
WSM123 · 11/11/2015 21:11

Cannot I used the term our concerts as a way of describing what he has done, not how he said it to her. He said something like "have you considered the possibility that ......... And ..... Might be indicators of something that needs to be investigated. And as for telling disco to piss off , did you read the nasty stuff she said? I just love how the step parent gets bashed for being a concerned step parent.
For those with helpful suggestions thank you. The hard part is getting any kind of appointment in weekends and she won't allow week day "visits" with the kids

OP posts:
MascaraAndConverse89 · 11/11/2015 21:16

If you didn't care you'd get bashed for that as well.

Does he not get to see his kids at all on weekdays?

Original poster
WSM123 · 11/11/2015 21:26

No, he used to see them every Sunday (sat night- sun evening) and for an hour a couple of evenings a week after work and if he had holiday time he would take a day to have time with the kids but his ex didnt like that so has changed it to fortnightly weekend only (which my partner hates) so as you can imagine is very frustrating trying to anything constructive

OP posts:
Atenco · 11/11/2015 21:34

Dreadful response from some posters here. If your partner has parental responsability he should act on it and get his son checked out and some advice about how to encourage and help his speech.

Original poster
WSM123 · 11/11/2015 22:00

Thank you.
He has tried to organise a day he can take the child to the GP for for referral and my step sister is a speech therapist who lives abroad (but also registered here)came to visit and was happy to do an assessment free of charge but she was here on a weekend that wasnt my partners weekend so he wasnt able to take advantage of the offer.

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 11/11/2015 22:24

"why is he raising 'our' concerns? can you not see that this would be problematic? that it would come across as an attack on her parenting?

Why should it be mum's responsibility to assess speech? If dad is worried, why not just get it done?"

People can be so idiotic. If a child comes to live with you some of the time of course you are allowed to be concerned about that child.

I am sure the father was able to express the problem without saying "ooh, you're s shit mother, my new partner thinks the kid has a problem", I'm sure he was able to put it in a sensible way.

If my dp has concerns with his son he asks my opinion. Obviously. To be fair, he asks all sorts of people - his sister, his mum, his mates. But if he had to discuss an issue with his ex then I feel sure he does so without saying "my mum said....".

Of course it is not the mum's responsibility, solely. But if the child lives with her then she is clearly best placed to make the arrangements. My dp makes most of the arrangements for dss now, even though the dm is the 'resident parent'. But dss is 14 so his dad can just tell him something has been arranged an d get him to make his own plans - that's not possible when they're younger.

Beebar · 11/11/2015 22:25

Wow! I can't believe how nasty son of you are!

OP, I'm with you. Your dss sounds as though he has a massive speech & language delay. Does he still use a dummy? Also, if he's dry on week ends and can take himself to the potty, then why can't the mother do it too? It is obvious this mother is not coping very well. If this is all true, I fear this situation is bordering on neglect of care.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 11/11/2015 22:29

I agree with everything Out has said.
He doesn't get an opportunity to take his son to see the GP, so it has to be her that does it. Earlier I said that he should do it, but now that you've said he is only allowed to have his son eow that does change things.

Original poster
WSM123 · 11/11/2015 22:51

Thank you outtogetyou, mascara and beebar. You was begging to feel like I was being bashed (the reason I ignored this post for a month). I think he was dry all weekend because I was vigilant at asking him every 2 hours, his speech is still just noises or attempts at copying words but no conversation and since my original post other behaviours have become noticeable hence increased concern.
It's nice to see my concerns are being taken seriously by you guys and you are offering help and support. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
WSM123 · 11/11/2015 22:54

Beebar in response to the neglect/ not coping well, I believe that was one of the things CYFS was contacted about (someone previously asked but among the nastiness I didn't respond)

OP posts:
HesNotAMessiah · 12/11/2015 14:49

My son seemed slow in his speech, and used to play by himself at playgroup, sometimes being a little aggressive towards kids who tried to 'share' with what he had.

He also seemed to find it hard to do anything his dad asked him, but not me or his playgroup leaders.

So it did all start to point to some sort of behavioural problem.

Turned out he had glue ear and couldn't hear DP most of the time, but voices higher up the scale were fine.

Had his thingie glands removed and grommits in his ears and he overnight became the most chatty person ever and has not stopped talking in the near 20 years since!

The toilet training could be just down to parental encouragement not a behaviour thing.

For the sake of ticking one off the list, next time you see him, have a good look in his ear canals. But do not stick anything in there !