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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

co sleeping 8 year old DSD

42 replies

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 19/09/2015 06:23

DSD stays 4 nights a week.
She goes to sleep in her own bed (DH snuggles down and reads with her for an hour or so each night) but then was up and walks into our bed and falls asleep there.
Because she snores and is rather tall and gangly I am often kept awake by the raised eat in the bed, duvet snatching, wriggling and noise.
I am a teacher who really needs my sleep at the moment so don't know what to do.
DH and DSD co-slept until DSD was six and then we all decided that we were all tired and grumpy all day afterwards so DSD should sleep in her own bed but just lately she has started coming into ours.
Im in the spare room bed right now having been woken by DSD getting in our bed.

I don't want to say to DH can you take her back to her room because
a)she might be needing the comfort and I don't want to stand in the way of that.
b) I don't want her to see me as getting in between her and her dad

What would you do?

OP posts:

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Original poster

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 19/09/2015 06:24

raised temperature (spelling error!)

OP posts:

Devilishpyjamas · 19/09/2015 06:27

I'd sleep in the spare room when she's there until she stops coming in.

Scarydinosaurs · 19/09/2015 06:29

I would have a chat with your DP, see what he wants to do, explain that you need your sleep too- would he be ok with you in the spare room? Does he want to address this issue with his DD? Could you work on making her room a more attractive prospect than your bed?

Good luck, I also wouldn't want to share my bed with an 8 year old, and can appreciate how delicate the situation is.

JellyMouldJnr · 19/09/2015 06:32

I would talk to DH about how he wants to tackle it. It sounds like there's a few issues with her sleep routine. And snoring in kids can be a sign of breathing probs while asleep, so that might be worth asking a GP about.

Yellowpansies · 19/09/2015 07:53

My DD used to do that a lot when I was single. When I moved in with DP he made it clear he wasn't happy about having her in our bed so I started taking her back to her own bed and staying with her there until she settled. It is really hard when you're sleepy to get up and trudge off to another room. It's much easier just to let your child in your bed. But they do learn in the end to settle themselves back to sleep in their own bed. I'd talk to your DP about why you're not happy with it and ask him to take her back to her bed. You could offer to get up with DSD in the mornings at weekends at least to let him catch up with some sleep if he does end up with a poor night's sleep because of having to take her back.

Another option might be for your DP to talk to DSD and ask her what would help her fall back to sleep in her own bed. My DD loved audio books at that age and found they helped her settle.

Yellowpansies · 19/09/2015 07:56

And moving off to the spare room I think is a pretty bad idea - à last resort certainly. You should be able to share a bed with your DP and DSD shouldn't be put in a position where she has the power to make you sleep apart.

hampsterdam · 19/09/2015 08:39

Agree with yellow. You don't want to come between dp and dsd but they are both happy for her to come between you. It's your place, where you sleep the rest of the time. A child's rightful place is in their own bed, good quality sleep is so important for kids. Nothing wrong with letting her come in with you in the morning but night times she needs to go back to bed. The hour long bedtime routine is a big part of the same problem, sounds like she hasn't learnt to self sooth.

Wewereneverbeingboring · 19/09/2015 09:23

I think if you moved to the spare room you might be giving DSD the green light for her to come in every night for a good couple of years at least - I'm sure my youngest DSS aged 12 would still have been coming into us even now if we'd let him.

I assume your DH has asked her why she's only just started coming back in to co-sleep, is it just because she wants to or is she nervous or upset about anything?

3phase · 19/09/2015 09:24

Completely agree with Yellow & Hampsterdam. Your DP needs to work on getting her to stay in her own bed and an hour long bedtime routine for an 8 year old 4 nights a week sounds a bit unsustainable too. Our 9 and 7 year olds take about 10 mins. Bit longer for the 4 and 2 year olds but nowhere near an hour. What happens if you want to go out as a couple and leave her with a babysitter? I don't think your DP is doing himself or his child any favours here. Time to be cruel to be kind and all that....! Good luck.

Branleuse · 19/09/2015 09:42

how about time to come in. Like after 6 is ok.

Original poster

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 19/09/2015 10:22

Thanks for your replies, I'll talk to DH about it today as DSD has gone with her mum this weekend.
It's hard because both DH and the mother of his child are militant attachment parents and i have adopted a bit of a hands of style through getting it wrong so many times.
Because DSD sleeps in her mum's bed she probably struggles to sleep in her own when she's here.
Also when I was away a couple of weeks ago, DH started her off in our bed because he's allowed her to watch Ghost Busters (he's usually very responsible) and she was scared.
I'll talk to him today about it and see if we can come up with something- I suppose I just don't want to be in a battle with her no matter how subtle- I had a horrible/abusive step-mother who my dad allowed to drive a wedge between my relationship with him, so I haven't had this stuff modelled for me very well.

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Wdigin2this · 19/09/2015 10:26

To start with, your DP should try curtailing the hour long bedtime routine, it's far too long! Is he staying with her until she falls asleep, because at 8 she should be able to settle herself to sleep?

Original poster

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 19/09/2015 10:33

I don't think it's too much a problem- the hour long routine, it's a lovely bonding time with him and his daughter, they're reading lots of high quality literature and really it's the only time they have quality time together because like most 8 year olds, she would rather spend all day playing with her friends or on the computer rather than with her dad. I take your point that she may not be able to self soothe.

I think she can self soothe though because she sometimes says to DH "you can go now" so she has more space on her bed.

It's so tricky this whole step parenting thing.

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Wdigin2this · 19/09/2015 10:34

Oh Avocado, sorry posted during your last post...you really have a battle on here! If this child always sleeps with her DM, then of course she won't want to sleep alone!
My advice to you is this. You and your DP presumably live together in a mutually beneficial partnership, so you both have to give and take. If the child is allowed at this age to dictate matters of importance, (enough sleep is crucial to everyone's happiness) then she will grow up expecting to dictate all matters involving her and will become an entitled person. Trust me when I say, you need to sort this out now before it gets out of hand....I didn't and live daily with the consequences!

Original poster

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 19/09/2015 10:46

Thanks.
I have just spoken with him and he just said that he finds it hard to get up (lazy)
I explained that it's a false economy because we all just lay there uncomfortable and are grumpy the next day he said he knows and will try to do this next time.

OP posts:

Original poster

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 19/09/2015 10:49

Devilish pyjamas I don't think that's a good solution- I could end up in the spare room for 5 more years!

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Yellowpansies · 19/09/2015 11:07

It is really hard to get up and take a child back to their own bed. In the short run it's much easier to let them climb into your bed. I was often shattered after having to take DD back to her bed and settle her, sometimes more than once a night. It is much more disruptive to your sleep than co-sleeping. But it's a case of doing what's harder now in order to make things easier in the long run.

And yes, if she can self settle at bedtime (with the lights out) then that'll make it easier for her to do so if she wakes in the night. I think the other thing I did with my DD was to reassure her that it's quite normal to find yourself awake in the night sometimes. It's not a reason in itself to wake a parent up and that staying in her bed was the best way of getting back to sleep quickly.

Devilishpyjamas · 19/09/2015 12:31

that's what DH & I did when any of ours wanted to co-sleep. Dh cleared off to the spare room so he had a clear head for his fairly taxing work.

Now if ds1 kicks off (severely disabled) I get up and deal with it alone if I can because my work is more flexible & I don't have to drive.

She's 8 now, I doubt she'll be wanting to co-sleep for much longer.

Devilishpyjamas · 19/09/2015 12:34

Although my answer was based on you indicating the co-sleeping was positive for your partner & his DD.

If you don't want the co-sleeping to continue then just send her back to bed/get an alarm etc. I send my severely autistic son back to bed 'until the alarm goes off' (he can't tell the time). Sometimes repeatedly. But he's huge & I don't want to share my bed with him. When he was younger & we did co sleep DH would clear off.

RedNailPolish101 · 23/09/2015 23:07

I saw another post earlier where someone had a clock in DC room that was marked red, Amber and green kept by the DC bed. So red must stay in own bed, Amber OK to be up and green could go and wake up adults - maybe this would help? Then she would know when it's ok for cuddles and when it's time to be in her own bed.

Sounds like you have a devoted daddy here and a DP who is listening to you just a bit lazy (mine is the same, I'm sure he would sleep with a horse if it meant he didn't have to emerge from his pit) hope it gets resolved as its not fair your in the spare room

tootsalina · 25/09/2015 11:56

Well let him do his attachment parenting in her bed and let you have your own bed to yourself.
Its selfish of him to interrupt your sleep.

We made a rule when we got together that our bed is our bed. No child (his or mine) gets into our bed except us.
At one point it was the only space I had that they didn't invade!!

Threesocksnohairbrush · 25/09/2015 12:03

We have children a little younger than your DDs age who are adopted, have some attachment issues and still find sleeping alone difficult - but are too bloody big and wriggly to share our bed!

The practical solution is a small bed or mattress in our room where any small person who wanders through and wants company can bed down. But they don't get in with us except in case of serious emergency (poorly/ bad nightmare etc).

This might be a compromise in your situation? I would agree with the suggestion that your DH works on the issue generally with his DD though. At this age I do think they sleep far better if they can go all through in their own bed.

Ilikemangoes123 · 25/09/2015 16:18

I would try kicking him out until this is sorted. Not in a cruel way, but so that it is very clear to him and DSD that this gets sorted and that your bedrooms is you and DPs. It may even be better for DP to go on the sofa for a while - somewhere that is not possible for DSD to join him and uncomfortable enough for DP to have an incentive to sort this out.

It isn't the DSDs fault - if she co sleeps with DM, but unfortunately her mum isn't doing her any favours. She's EIGHT - if her mum gets a boyfriend it will be a bit of a shock to her system. And confusing too. I do think kids should be 'weaned' off as it were BEFORE the new boyfriend/girlfriend so that it isn't so much of a 'replaced by another woman/man' and more of a growing up thing.

Good luck! At least your DP seems to understand, even if reluctantly!

Marilynsbigsister · 25/09/2015 22:00

Sorry, I wouldn't have this at all. ! 2 or 3 yrs old no problem but 8 !!!!. Absolutely not. Neither would I be spending an hour settling. Pander to it. And you make yourselves a problem for years. I say this as a mum of 3 and step mum of 4 (2 who live with us since they could choose, so can't be that much of an evil sm)

Marilynsbigsister · 25/09/2015 22:03

...and the way to stop it is to say NO ! You are the parents. End of. Once the dsc 'get that' it's surprisingly easy.

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