Just fed up! Small things...

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

This is probably petty, but a little sick of fighting for a little support and getting the brunt of things!

Basically yesterday I got caught in a the rain with toddler DC1 (mine and DPs) - had a big buggy full of shopping - had to pick up DC2 who was also drenched and took them both on second bus to class. I asked my DP to pick me up after as DC was going mental - on his way home from work. He asked me to wait 1 hour - so I said no I'll take another bus. I did feel a bit unsupported - but I was polite back to him. Took the bus - came back, made dinner.

BUT! He came home in a big mood with me 'for my tone' and ignored me all evening!!! I'm so fed up of this. He picks up his DCs from their school every day as they finish a little later - and I didn't ask why I had to wait an hour but it was probably to fit around them. They are all older (one is 19!) and could also easily take the bus -it is a straight route. So you know what (sorry, about to really moan) - but yes it is a bit shitty that the ONE time I ask for a lift (one his way) I rarely ask, not only do I NOT GET A LIFT BUT ALL MY DSCs DO - but I get the brunt of his anger!!! I should be the one in a mood! The reason I have to take all these buses was because I moved from my very convenient to town/DC school house to his out in the middle of nowhere too.

My DP is the only one to have a car (can't afford one for me).

And this wasn't like he couldn't get away from work or it was a mad time - this was 5.30pm and the time he often picks up his other kids who have libraries etc where they can wait.

Banana, is this the norm in your house, he runs around after his own DC...but helping you out of a difficult situation is low priority?! Maybe we should get together on suitable emails!

wdigin2this - yes it is the norm! It is like a domino effect -
DP pays his Ex wife to be the main carer, she gives out about it a lot and then puts the main caring duties back on to -
DP - who is working to provide for said 'main carer' (her house takes up half his wages) so he has to work long hours in a high demand job

• and also onto DSCs - who end up asking for more and more because their mum 'won't' and also learnt to expec that DP 'will' - everything from lifts, to books, to cooking dinner -

And DP then puts pressure back on to ME and I end up trying to not 'bother him' very much but when I do, he gets stressed because he has too many demands on him anyway!

Phew! Sorry about that. I don't mean to Ex bash - because I am an Ex. - and I try to be fair! Crikey I am aghast at how different peoples sense of expectations/entitlement is.

Am having quite a moan at the moment! Yes I think we have many things in common! PM me anytime! I'll get back when I've done the shopping/bus taken care of the dinner for all kids, step and others... moan...

Banana so in reality you're running round like a blue a*sed fly, to enable your DP to run round in ever decreasing circles after his ex and children. I'm not surprised you're fed up. And if her house takes up half of his income, then I expect cash is short for you?

If you weren't enabling him, he wouldn't be able to do it. Although I realise this is probably a position you've ended up in, without realising.

Petal02 - Cash is really short. I think we both enable Ex and DSC who of course can't have any stress so we take all the burden. So cross!

This keeps happening, with the DSCs, the Ex - as soon as one situation resolves - another pops up. When I first moved in with DP - was surprised to find out that his Ex used to send DSCs anytime she liked to the house.

So I as at home... with a small baby... and have 3 sullen teenagers turn up demanding to use XBox because 'their mum wanted to clean the house'. Apparently it was 'their home' so I was being a bitch! What if I sent them back because I wanted to clean the house?! No - wouldn't go down well and I wouldn't use the poor kids like that.

Grrrr....

Dear God Banana...and I thought I had it bad!!!

Can you move back?

What do you mean he pays her to be the main carer? She is their parent! She doesn't get paid! Or do you mean maintenance? Is that a fair amount?

Piratespoo maybe I was a bit confusing. I mean DP pays her maintenance for all including adult DSCs and she is RP -she also claims all benefits etc and family support.

I suppose I was trying to illustrate that DP takes on 'main caring' stuff a lot for DSCs - that he either shouldn't do or EX should do - to extent that I am left stranded in the rain because he's ferrying them on a weekday.

you know you're being shat on and you know what your solution is . When you're ready i.e. had enuf- you'll do it. But It's like waiting for a bus. The longer we wait the more reluctant we are to leave. Just do it.

Banana, I don't know the background, but going on what you put in your post, I'm with you OH on this one. It sounds like he had made plans with his children about picking them up, and you picking your children. Yet because one of your child has a tantrum, you expect your OH to drop all his plans and leave his kids hanging around so you can avoid taking the bus?

I'm writing just to put it from the other's perspective, but if that happened to me, I would have been annoyed too. I could understand if the children were poorly but teaching a toddler that if they have a tantrum, that's ok because daddy is going to drop all his plans and come to make it much easier for them is in my view giving a very wrong message.

I personally don't see how it has anything to do with the step-children.

I personally don't see how it has anything to do with the step-children.

In nuclear families, the needs of each member of the family are prioritised, and choices made to meet those needs.

Younger DCs need more time and attention, and this is usually at the expense of the older DCs.

If the OPs DP refused to collect her, two young DCs and the familyshopping in the pouring rain, in favour of collecting his older, more independent, DCs from school when their public transport options were far simpler (and if I've read the OP correctly, the older DCs weren't even returning with their dad to the family home, so he was effectively a taxi service), then he is not prioritising his family based on their needs.

I don't agree. Priorities should be what is planned unless an emergency. To me, taking a bus in the rain isn't one. I see it as OP making demands of him changing is plans at the last minute to suit her because she couldn't cope with the children's behaviour.

I guess that's what these posts are important because they show how different people can interpret things differently. Her OH seems to have considered the situation as I have. Neither is right or wrong, but they should use this example to discuss what they both see as priorities.

swing it does depend on context, which the OP has said, in this case is that her OP does "change his plans" to accommodate his older DCs, but refused to do so in her favour, and bore the brunt of his anger for having the temerity to ask.

Swing you think that it's right for the dh to ignore op all night because she asked for a lift?
I would be interested to know how the arrangement of ferrying older kids around came about and if there was any tantrum ing or emotional blackmail involved? It does seem very unusual and also not helpful for kids that age in the long run.
Op not sure what you can do, but I would stop doing big shops with two small kids and a buggy except on days your dh can pre arrange to pick you up with it.

Swing you think that it's right for the dh to ignore op all night because she asked for a lift?
Who knows, it seems that he had an issue with her tone of voice, so maybe she said something in a way that was unpleasant. It is impossible to really judge when you're not there.

All I am saying is that I wouldn't have changed my plans either because of rain and a difficult toddler and would have been annoyed to be expected to do so.

I totally agree with your last sentence though, it is about appropriate planning and I would expect her OH to support OP with looking after the children when she does the shopping (or something similar that makes it easier for her).

Thanks everyone who posted. swing I understand, but one problem is we have not agreed what works for all in a fair way as a family. DP didn't tell me that he had started to pick up older DSCs! He just did it. Despite having to often work late. Something has been decided completely without me, I guess DSC and EX refusing to pick her up or dropping her at college despite her living there - and others who previously walked complained too so he does them now too.

In fact, on the Tuesday it is usual that he meets me half way home as I am already on a mad trip dropping off elder DC at a class. Elder DC never getsa lift from DP despite being youngest and school furthest but he finishes 4pm so I never expected DP to do this, but poor DC does take the bus.

I was really cross that day as it did seem DP is mollycoddling his adult DCs and we never seem to make these decisions together. He agreed to pick up DC one day a week and we are going to counseling. I told him I was fed up of squashing my life kids around his set up and falling short every time.

Sorry to make it clear, all DSC get lifts all the time. My DC is now going to have a lift just one day (rest if days bus and 50 minute walk). And day in question was when he would normally meet me. Times would vary.

Get the feeling there is an awful lot we are not being told, which shapes the arguments here.
You moved into his kids old house - always going to cause problems. It is still their home.

He does not pay his EX to be the main carer - they are both the main carers for their DCs.

If he booted her out of their home with 3 DCs - I am sure there is a story behind that?

If he pays half his earnings on her house and maintenance on top - he either earns big or this is an exaggeration.

You wanted him to prioritise your DC(not his) ahead of his DCs - for which he already had a commitment - impossible situation for him.

Whilst I would be pissed off being in the rain, your DP was in a no win situation and put his kids first - did not say no, just would take a while.

biggest you obviously have some weird axe to grind here!

Is there some crime about moving into the family home?! You were the one to insinuate I was abusive?! Pretty strong accusations!

Does his ex wife have a car?
If so I would be right pissed off that you can't afford a car to make your life easier after you have upped and moved to make life easier for his lot.
Its very unfair.
Biggest - read the OP properly and stop projecting. DC is OP and her DH's child.

All the kids need treating as tho they are "yours" ie yours and his because you are a team together so they are in fact "yours" (plural) So if the 4 kids were yours what would you do? Surely at 19 this person can get buses as a permanent arrangement? Most people get buses to and from school from 11. That would also ease one pressure from your OH. It really sounds like you both need to sit down and promise that as you have a frank discussion neither of you will be on the defensive and try to work things out as a team.

It's taken me and my husband 8 years to get to feeling things are 90% good with our situation and we still had a blazing argument over things on saturday! It is hard work but rewarding and it requires lots of working together. Hope you get things sorted

It sounds like the problem is that you have indeed not agree your set-up as a recomposed family and that is causing tensions because you might not have the same idea of what it should be.

There is no right or wrong, just what is agreed and that is dependent on the family set-up, how things used to be and trying to keep status quo as much as possible, and family values.

I get the feeling that you and your OH have different expectations, hence the frustration with each other. Counselling is an excellent idea, but you need to make sure to talk about practicalities in addition to feelings as until you agree to a compromise with every day demands, the issues are always going to surface again.

tootsalina - yes Ex wife has a car and doesn't work very much in the week either! Grrr... a while ago my DP suggested she take the DSCs to college in the morning (she has a car, was free at that time - the kids live with her during the week anyhow) - as he had to leave earlier for work - and she shouted at him in front of the kids telling him 'that it was the ONLY think he ever did for them and that he didn't care about them'. The poor DSCs were really upset. Grrr... ! All the DSCs then said that they didn't mind getting up earlier in the morning and going with their Dad because they didn't want to upset their Mum.

HappyMama and Swing yes ideally I would like to do things as a team with my DP very much, with all our kids needs being weighed up as a family would. Trouble is - like a lot of step families - this requires a DP who can walk away from any guilt, any EXs and look at things as a whole. He has his EX heaping on the guilt - and his DSCs are used to him being the 'one to go to for everything'. These habits are quite ingrained -and instead of talking to me about it - he just agrees to things without including me.

I think my only other option is to get demanding about both our DC and my DS in a way that is fairer to all -but it doesn't feel right to me to not try and do this by open talking.

All these arguments about who's children they were, the ages, prior commitments, the weather, etc, or about lifts and what not are red herrings!

The fact is that

A ) the op has moved from where she was happy and comfortable to somewhere where she's dependent on lifts, and busses to get where she needs to be, and she's less well off.

B) her partner is a bad communicator who sulks and throws strops (emotional abuse?), and is rather spineless.

Personally, I'd ditch him, and move back where it suited me.