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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Maintenance? DH is in the right, I think?

219 replies

Whereyourtreasureis · 05/09/2015 21:27

My DH has always paid a consistent and good sum for his DS, my DSS, since they broke up, 10yrs ago. This has always been done on a Voluntary Basis. They agreed a lot of years ago, rather than getting the CSA involved, he has always paid a decent and regular amount for DsS, plus going halves on his school uniforms, trips and new clothes when needed.
DSS is with us overnight 3 times a week, and his younger brother and sisters (my DCs with DH) love their brother being here.
What has happened is, DSS's mother exploded this Summer, saying she doesn't think it's enough. She said screamed that other mothers she knows have far more than she does, and she is going to have it done through the CSA.
Well the CSA looked at the situation, and it turns out that DH has to pay quite a lot less than he was.
Now his XP has started messaging, saying she was wrong to involve other people, she's sorry, can we forget it- and just get back to the more beneficial for her previous plan they had in place.
He's said No, and took her at her word that they will use Child Support now, as that's what she wanted.
Are we wrong? She tried to get more and realised she was entitled to less. And now we're meant to say "it doesn't matter".
Are we wrong for taking her at her word, and saying This is what you wanted?

OP posts:
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 05/09/2015 22:23

I can't believe there are still idiots out there who don't know how to check what the CSA rate is before kicking off about a private agreement that is suddenly deemed not enough. That said, if the amount paid was agreed 10 yrs ago & hasn't changed in all that time, I can sort of see where she might had got the idea that perhaps the OP's DH might have had improved earnings over the 10 yrs & not reflected that in the CM.

OP the ex here started something that's come back to bite her & while you may think it's justice to say now you'll stick to CSA rate, the better option IMO is your DH to sit down & work out what the actual cost is in raising your DSS & work out an appropriate figure for maintenance based on that.

As someone in receipt of CSA from my ex I can tell you it comes nowhere near the actual cost of raising my DD & I've a pretty low opinion of anyone who could afford more but chooses to pay less. Not that my opinion counts for much Grin

campervan67 · 05/09/2015 22:24

I think you would retain the higher ground by going back to what you were originally paying. And I agree the CSA minimum amounts are pretty poor! Think about when DSS grows up? Does DH want to say "I gave you everything I could" or "I gave you the statutory legal minimum I was forced to pay"??

FlankShaftMcWap · 05/09/2015 22:25

I would put the difference in an account for DSS. It's his money and it's fair for him to receive it, but his mother has been a plonker so I'd let her stew to be honest. I say this as a mother who gets a tenner a fortnight from my ex so I'm usually biased the other way.

definiteissues · 05/09/2015 22:26

I actually think the amount should be taken into consideration as well.
What was he paying and what has been suggested by CSA?

Scarydinosaurs · 05/09/2015 22:41

I think a good solution would be to take on the payment for a club/sport for your step child that will enhance their life and show you are putting the child first, but also drawing a line with his mother.

YonicScrewdriver · 05/09/2015 22:44

What if she sent you an "I Was Wrong" card - would you feel satisfied and go back to the previous amount? Because it sounds like it's more about her. I understand your feelings but it's not really the point, as others have said.

Yellowpansies · 05/09/2015 22:46

I don't see why anyone's saying that the money is "for DSS" or that his standard of living is dependant on it - the child spends 3 nights a week in one house and 4 in the other. Clearly his standard of living isn't going to drop, overall, if less money is transferred between the two households Confused

I'd be inclined to do just as your DP has done tbh. Or offer slightly more as a goodwill gesture.

And the CSA amount is not an "absolute minimum" - it's the amount the government thinks is fair, based on a somewhat crude assessment of income. Parents are free to agree to pay more, or less, if they both agree. If they don't then the CSA effectively arbitrate and set the amount.

OurBlanche · 05/09/2015 22:56

But she should send a grovelling apology, she was being 'grabby'.

OPs DH could quite legally stick the mandated arrangement.

He could also stick to it and then transfer the difference every month as a goodwill gesture. That way he keeps the higher moral ground and keeps to the CSA arrangement.

But he has every right to let her know how stupid she was much her actions have upset him, especially given the free, accurate online calculator, and their hitherto good relationship.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 05/09/2015 23:07

OP I think you need to be wary here. It's probably set lower because you have him 3 days a week. What are the chances that his ExW will reduce the time spent with you to increase her CM? I'd suggest that it would be worth it to come to some mid way agreement for the child's sake.

cittigirl · 05/09/2015 23:17

Could you pay the difference to dss as an allowance as I assume he's over 10 or put it in an account for him?

Oswin · 05/09/2015 23:25

Ourblanche going to the CSA is not being grabby.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/09/2015 23:28

You don't say how old your DSS is but I would, pay the CSA rate, bank the rest and be prepared to pick up any short fall.

And if she reduces contact go through the courts.

Original poster
Whereyourtreasureis · 05/09/2015 23:46

Thank you to everyone who's taken time to say what they think! I totally agree with a couple of suggestions- We have little savings accounts for all 4 DCs, and are going to put the difference directly into DSSs account to build for when he is older x

OP posts:
m1nniedriver · 05/09/2015 23:48

Hi OP. We were in this situation although there was a back story. The mother is basically a greedy cow. with the amount DP was giving her she paid very little to the upkeep of the childryen but continued to demand more. When DP refused she went to the CMS. I'm still unsure what she was expecting considering his earnings would need to be nearly double what they were to get anything near the amount with CMS. Amazing how greed can wipe out all common sense Confused obviously it was hundreds less than he had been paying.

DP changed the amount to what the CSA ordered. Ex was livid but he stuck to his guns. He gave the difference to me for a few months to pay back the money I had loaned him to pay off her debts then he started up a savings account for DSDs. After about a year of her moNing he increased it but no where near what it was. I had basically subsidised the payments anyway because they were waaaay more than he coukd afford. I did it for an easy life but her going to the CMS was the last straw for me!

Don't feel bad, open a savings account for the children perhaps. When they are older and want to go to college/get a car/a deposit for s house or whatever they will be thankful for the extra. Take things said on here with a pinch of salt also Grin

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 05/09/2015 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFallenMadonna · 05/09/2015 23:53

If he thought the amount he was paying was the right amount a "decent" amount as you call it in your OP, I think he should probably continue to pay it. Paying the minimum isn't necessarily the right thing to do.

Original poster
Whereyourtreasureis · 05/09/2015 23:54

m1nniedriver Smile not just me then!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereyourtreasureis · 06/09/2015 00:06

3cheeky it's around 20% less. DH has paid a good amount consistently for years, going up over the 10 yrs they've been separated. When XP contacted the CSA, saying it Wasnt Enough, the amount we need to pay was calculated based on our income, and also the other DCs we have here, so the calculation is less than DH was originally paying.

OP posts:
m1nniedriver · 06/09/2015 00:09

Nope, not just you Grin

Things have improved so much for us on our relationship (DP and myself I mean) since she tried to get more money from him! I didn't actually realise until it happend just how ridiculous the whole set up was! We are so much happier now, think I resented the situation without actually realising it. She did us a huge favour as it happens. Even she hasnt asked for more pm for quite a while now Grin. Think she has finally realised how good she has it Wink

Rainuntilseptember15 · 06/09/2015 00:12

Poor kid.

m1nniedriver · 06/09/2015 00:15

Ooh and reward yourself with a bit of the extra cash for being so amazing that you are a step parent Smile one of the toughest roles in the world at times! I find a spa treatment and a glass bottle of Wine help Grin

m1nniedriver · 06/09/2015 00:20

Poor kid? indeed, it's tragic that this child has such a greedy mother willing to do anything to try and get 1 up on her ex. Kids lucky he has OP and her DP to reach him some moralsSmile

Original poster
Whereyourtreasureis · 06/09/2015 00:23

Poor Kid Hmm ..really?

OP posts:
Backforthis · 06/09/2015 00:27

The amount is lower because your DH has chosen to have 3 more DC and there are deductions made for those children.

Original poster
Whereyourtreasureis · 06/09/2015 00:29

Thanks m1nniedriver and Wine back at you! It is demanding, 4 DCs under 12 and just annoyed,that half the week and everything we can afford wasn't enough. If DSS was with us just 1 more day, couldn't we ask XP for maintenance instead?! drops wine in laughter at the suggestion
We will put the difference away for him.

OP posts: