Annual Leave

[ClaudoftheRings]

Is is usual for a NRP to devote every single day of their annual leave to the their non-resident child, even if they have other children that live with them?

Just wondering how NRPs and RPs balance this out.

My DH usually takes about 1 of his 6 weeks annual leave without his DC.

My DH has to use all of his annual leave for his DC. He also has to take unpaid leave in the event that annual leave runs out. Not sure what you mean by "other children that live with him". We spend his annual leave together as a family (his DC, my DC and the DC we have together) so we all get the benefit of his time off.

Yes, DP spends every single day of annual leave with DSS who is 10. We have DD who is two so of course we spend a little of that time all four of us together but the age gap means it's not ideal for either child for long periods, either with both of us or just DP.

I asked him to keep a couple of days free this year to do something just with me and DD and he said he had a week left and would use it with us later in the year or at Christmas. Then his ex got in touch to say she needs him to do some more school holiday time in December and he has given DSS the remainder of his hols.

I undertstand it's important for him and ex to share holiday time and he loves being with his son, of course. But i just would have liked one long weekend in the year.

Sorry to sound negative - I'm happy to be told I am being unrealistic or unreasonable. Am also interested to hear how other NRPs use annual leave.

Problem here is your perception of the family unit.

You are defining the family unit as you, dd and him.

He sees it as you,dd, him and his ds.

He is taking his holiday to be with his family and at the moment, that will mean he devotes quite a bit of time to a boy who needs to do "man" things not baby girly things. This will change.

A long weekend for you, dd and him - is not his family. If it happens when his DS is with Mum great but to expect him to not take his DS is unfair on your DP. In 6 yrs time DSS will be 16 and not wanting to spend the whole time with Dad, your DD will be 10 and getting Dad's attention.

I can see your point but can also see his.

I don't think one long weekend in the year to do something special with you and DD that a 10 year old might not enjoy is unreasonable. Can you pick a weekend when DSS is due to be at his mum's, and see if your DP could manage one day's leave? Or are there any bank holiday weekends when he'll be with his Mum?

But I think most working parents find that leave is in short supply and never stretches as far as the school holidays so I'd envisage trying to find things that all 4 of you would enjoy for most of his leave. It should get easier over the next year or two as your two year old gets older to find things everyone enjoys.

Your DP shouldn't be spending all his leave doing stuff with just his DS though and leaving your and your two year old out. That's not fair either.

I would love some time with just our DC but that isn't realistic - between us we have 5 children so that's how we spend our holidays. That's what we'd do if we were an "unbroken" family unit. I suppose if we were an unbroken unit, there would be the possibility of children going to stay with grandparents while we had a week away (as we both used to do as children) but we aren't so there isn't.

This was a major factor in my pending divorce with stbxh. I was utterly fed up of him taking no responsibility for our child and claiming the demands of a high-paid job, then leaving work early/ booking leave solely to accommodate his ex wife and daughter.
And which is why, even though I'm utterly exhausted and struggling as a single parent, I wouldn't go back to that position for anything. I call the shots in my life now and that's worth any material deprivation.

that will mean he devotes quite a bit of time to a boy who needs to do "man" things not baby girly things

That's not seeing them as a family though is it. It's splitting the family by gender, man and his boy, wife and daughter.

What are "man" things anyway?

My 10yr old boy wants to spend time with Dad fixing, making things, to quote him doing "man/boy" things etc

He sits and plays with his DD as well, but there is boy time aswell.

Nothing sexist about it - DS does not want to play with dolls, DD does. OP has said they do things together. It is how families work, Dad spends time doing certain things with sons and different things with DD. Mum spends time with DS and does certain things and different things with DD and they do things all together.

eg, I have water pistol fights with my sons, Dad hates it, as does DD - so they go and usually make cookies or pizza for tea!

What do you do if your children are the same gender then? Families with same sex children can't work that way.

Surely it's more parents do things with their children to suit their own interests, rather than anything gender based?

What if your dd liked fixing things? mine takes things apart then can't get the sodding thing back together again

Thanks for the responses.

I'm not sure the genders are the problem quite so much as the big age gap.

I make sure DSS gets tons of 1:1 time with his Dad as it's really important at any age. DSS is sweet with DD but I don't think it's fair for DD and I to be there throughout all his holiday time so no point trying to mirror all of DP's annual leave.

It does make me sad to think I need to wait another six years before the time might be right for DP, DD and I to have a short holiday.

Claud - no one is saying you can not have a holiday with just you, DD and DP but just expect your DP to want DS along aswell - he has 2 children.

Micah - I think you are just being obtuse. Gender does play a role in what many kids do, whether they like it or not. My 3DCs live with me singlemum, I fix, nail, hammer, drill -do all the traditional male roles in our house on top of the cooking cleaning - traditional female roles. The Boys really can not remember anything different.

A few months ago -the 2 DSs, were having an argument with DD, that boys were better bigger stronger and did all the fixing and girls were weak. DD arguing that Mum did all those so was I a man in disguise. I was apparently " a Ception"!!!!!!!

I give up on the gender issue - they have never been taught that in my house and have never seen their DF - fix anything . He makes stuff but not fixing stuff.

Are you saying that because DSS is a boy he needs his dad more or is it because he's non-resident?

If DSS spends a week with all of us during holiday times and another 4.5 weeks with just his dad then surely DD can have two days without DSS?

Of course, ultimately, my DP has voted with his feet and given the entire leave to DSS but AIBU to want the two days without DSS?

Do you have your DSS every weekend? You don't mention those but are they not, if not holiday, at least rest times with just the three of you?

I have a DSS and three children of my own. There is a large age gap between DSS and mine so they wouldn't like to do the same things. But we've never had a holiday without DSS, and have gone without holidays as we couldn't afford to include DSS.

If I'm truthful I'd like a holiday just DH and my children as it would be so much easier - but I just couldn't do that. I'd feel awful that I was excluding him.

Not easy being a step parent.

But the OP has said they spend time together and they do things together when the DSS is here and I would struggle to believe that he completely ignores DD the whole time.

No one is saying her request is unreasonable for holiday, just that her DP has 2 kids to consider and she does not always want to put DSS into the equation. V difficult but would personally go with LadyS and her solution.

OP you can want your 2 days without DSS and only with your DD but your DP has put both DCs together and there is your problem.

I genuinely do not 'get' this, sorry OP. Why can you not all spend time togther as a family on holiday? I have a DSS and four other biters, aged from 16 down to 6 so we've been there with the big age gaps and difference in fun things to do-with two toddlers at one point!

DSS is not always here when DH has leave and DH doesn't always have leave when DSS is here, but that is to be expected, in the same way as the biters who are with us all the time don't always get to have him on leave when they have school holidays.

Being a family and spending time with each other is what is important. If DSS is not there all the time why can't you have a weekend doing nice things together as and when-or does it have to be a 'proper' holiday to count?

'Proper holidays' I should say, are always with DH, DSS and the other biters irrespective of age and gender differences. Everyone has to learn to accommodate each other in a family, that's how family works-blended or otherwise.

If I missed something obvious in not getting it please do enlighten me though

ankle, I may be wrong but it sounds as if your bunch entertain themselves/each other more easily as there are five of them across different ages, rather than two with almost a decade between them.

The point here is that while we do spend some time altogether, it is not ideal for either child over a long period as they inveitably have different needs and capabilities. DP has defaulted to giving all his holiday time to DSS and we fit in for some of it but DD and I spent a lot of time together on our hol while DP took DSS off to do fun things that DD was too young for. far from being a 'family', I felt like a single parent for a lot of the week.

Its just family life with an age gap, try doing days out where they both can have fun, big parks ect. He's took the holiday because he has to look after his son. Its not a choice really, its just how parenting is.
Your thinking feels disjointed to me for some reason, it feels like dss is an optional extra guest and not a part of your small family unit.

Not at all. I'm just looking for a tiny bit of balance.

Do you have DSS every weekend? If not could you do more fun things, days out or mini breaks with DD and DP then?

I wouldn't be impressed if I were left looking after the tiddler whilst DH and the DSS went off gallivanting, that's for sure.

I'm assuming still that these are 'proper' going away abroad somewhere holidays?

We had to organise our whole holiday be it away or at home to suit our five. Put it this way, when DD2 was 2 the older ones were 12,11,5 and 4. Now that's an interesting age range to keep occupied and happy simultaneously

We tend to do beach holidays, where the older ones can do sea and surfing whilst the smaller ones do paddling, seashells and sandcastles. Buckets, spades, bat & ball, mini-boards, towels and a cool box-all very 1970's but great memories. DH and I are able to still be 'together' but it keeps everyone happy. How many children don't want sea, sand, warm squash and either a pastie or cone of salty chips on the beach? We recently had two weeks caravanning I hated the idea of being cramped and insisted on a static with the biters and all we really did was hit the beach followed by BBQ and a film with the 14yr olds (the little biters were usually fast asleep by 7pm courtesy of sea air and exercise). It was actually a fantastic fortnight, with all the biters having a wail of a time despite the distinct lack of electrical games and flashy funfair type stuff.

Other than that had you thought of perhaps doing a local holiday? Looking up the activities available reasonably locally and heading out to a different one each day? Even just tramping through the woods bug hunting is still fun when you're a teenager-especially if it's followed up by a treat tea. All you can eat Chinese buffet is always a winner in our house-the bigger biters get to eat like there's no tomorrow (and try lots of new things) and I've never met a 2yr old who didn't relish eating noodles with their fingers. You'd get to do it without the looks that a family of 6 arriving to eat attract too

The same principle applies if you're abroad too-I genuinely don't see any need for you all to separate in order to accommodate DSS.

I really think that you ought to have a conversation with DH and express how this is making you feel. If you don't actively change something you are essentially just accepting the lonley status quo in exchange for the promise of an annual holiday with just you, DH and DD and that doesn't solve your problem as regards him leaving you to it on the other vacations iyswim.

I think instead of looking at it that you want dps time with dss try to see it as you want everyone including you to be included.

I would say to dp you want to be included and can we start thinking of things we can all do as a family together.

OP similar situation here when the kids were younger. DP used majority of his ann leave to do golf and football with his NR kids. This is not so much that he preferred the NR kids but they were older and male and so he got to do stuff he also wanted to do.

Our youngest - a girl had a nanny during the holidays.

Ridiculous situation in a away as the mum of the NR jids didn't have a job yet both DH and I worked full time.