Step-daughter and new baby

[JessicaRabbit1980]

Ok I'm sure someone will shoot me down for being a wicked stepmother. But I'm just looking for a straw poll/general opinion here.
I've known my step-daughter since she was 3. She's 9 and a half now. Always got on well with her and although she was a little competitive with me for her dad's attention at the start I would say if anything she got on better with me than her dad. She stays with us every weekend but lots more during the holidays. I had a baby girl 10 weeks ago. During my pregnancy we made a huge effort to involve SD, gave her scan pics, took her to choose baby things and got her presents too. She met her sister in hospital and everything was great.
However, since I've been home, she's become really possessive over DD. She is obsessed with touching, stroking, messing with her, often when she is asleep (to which I cry let her sleep!!). I allow her supervised cuddles but I can't leave the room for a second and leave DD in her chair without SD picking her up, walking around with her, trying to feed her. Am I wrong for thinking she is WAY to young to carry a baby around?! DD screams, I come back, take her off SD and SD flashes me an angry look.
So now it's escalated. When out for a walk she tries to wrestle control of the pram off me, resulting in her nearly ploughing into traffic with DD (SD has very little road sense as it is), I'm rocking DD in her chair trying to soothe her and SD is trying to out-rock my rocking and wakes her up. Etc etc. I don't want to have to guard DD from SD. I would like her to be involved but I can't relax now. She asks to hold her when she is asleep so I say no it's not fair as DD is asleep, wait until she is awake. She wants to feed her and won't listen to instructions and DD is sick.
I'm not blaming SD for not being able to properly hold/feed/burp DD. because she is a child herself, it's not her job to hold/feed/burp etc her.
Anyhow, now she has complained to MIL that 'I've changed' (I probably have, I'm bloody knackered I've got a 10 week old baby, I had a C Section so I wasn't able to be fun like I used to be etc etc) and that I won't let her hold her, that I'm mean etc etc. MIL has complained to DH and now I'm stressed.
I've done everything I can to accommodate and keep SD happy (way more than DH!) planning days out, arranging daddy-daughter time, booking a family holiday for us all that would suit us all etc etc.
Am I being over protective? I'm an only child so never held a baby as a child. I just think 9 is WAY too young! Ultimately if SD drops or harms DD it's the adult in charge who is responsible. As DD's mum and the adult in charge I have to protect everyone and make sure everyone is safe, surely?
When I've asked her to only hold DD when sitting and shown her how etc SD nods and then does the opposite leading to me having to take DD back.
I feel like I can't win and it hurts cause I have tried so hard to make it work. But I feel ultimately I have to protect DD from unsafe situations.
Am I being too cautious?

I'm surprised that she isn't more careful at 9. My 4yo wants to pick up our baby, wake her, drop her etc, but she is 4. We are working on rules - no picking the baby up when I'm not in the room, don't touch the sleeping baby (followed by "no, don't touch her, stop touching her as she's asleep, WHAT PART OF 'DON'T TOUCH HER@ DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND'). I'm gradually adding to the rules as I discover new ways for her to mess with the baby.

Looking back at that lot, I'm not sure what I would expect to change between having a baby sibling at 4 and at 9. And it would be a lot easier if DH stepped up a bit more. So I agree, it makes more sense to change him.

If it helps it does get better, novelty wears off. Although my DSCs idea of looking after now a toddler is sitting there looking at their phones while he runs around - not exactly watching/playing with him!

But OP he has no more right to a man cave than you have to a woman cave. If gets one, you should get one - and the exact same amount of time to yourself in it. Who the hell does he think he is?

I think it's probably come to a head now so DH will have to play his part. He's going to take SD to her favourite restaurant next weekend just the two of them then I will meet them with DD.
He is a bit of a dick tbh!
Could do without MIL getting stuck in, no doubt she has egged SD on because MIL is a bit of an emotional vampire and loves a drama. I would love to tell MIL what SD says about her!
SD isn't used to having many rules at our house. I probably should have seen it coming because she would never leave the poor dog alone when he was asleep, luckily he's very patient.
Hopefully if DH and I tell her the rules together then she might listen. Also I'm thinking maybe giving her other useful jobs to do is a good suggestion.

Give her some nappies to do.
That'll make her less keen!

No way would I be ok with DH going off to his 'man cave' whilst I looked after DSC. They are his children and clearly come to spend time with him - his responsibility too. There's plenty of parents who feel exhausted with parenting and would like a 'cave' but they can't just switch off from their children and think 'sod it' it's my time. How ridiculous. I love after 8pm when my children go to bed and I can start to unwind. However, I can't entirely switch off - I'm still a parent and they might call for me with a nightmare or feel sick.

I can see your side and DSD's side. She's 9 and wants to be hugely involved in her sister's life. You've involved her loads through the pregnancy and because you're trying to explain about leaving baby sleep, worried about her dropping her - she's probably confused as to why she can't be still so involved now she's here. At 9 she thinks she's old enough to do all these things but is still so young.

Your points are totally understandable.

Have you tried the approach of 'no, no picking her up right now or feeding but as soon as she's awake and hungry you can help?'

Your partner needs to step in and explain about the waking up and trying to feed when not hungry though instead of passing the buck to you. If DSD were to drop her from picking her up constantly - what would he say?

Your DH is a useless, selfish cock. How fucking DARE he - I'm raging on your behalf. The DSD issue is a red herring - if he were doing his job it wouldn't be a problem.

And he should have told his mother to fuck off.

You are not being over protective! My DSD is 11, and still cant be trusted with my son who is 8 months! He is fairly sturdy, and can sit by himself, but if she gets distracted and he wriggles then she almost drops him, so i insist on her sitting down too. It is a case of your baby's safety, so who cares if she is annoyed and your in laws say you are no fun! Stick to your guns, and if your husband wont step up then go out for the day leaving him with DSD whilst you go to your mums or a friends house with baby. I know it is tough, but you must do what you feel is right!

Just want to say that this certainly isn't an exclusive "step" issue; it is fairly common in siblings where there is a big gap. I would also go with the posters who say that 9 is fine to be carrying the baby around. As dsd is only there at weekends then this really doesn't have to be a big issue. Your husband on the other hand clearly needs work.....

I had a dh that had a "man cave". He became my ex husband some years ago now. Totally ridiculous.

When he retreats into it send his dd in there to keep him company and hand him the baby and take yourself out for a walk / mcdonalds / visit someone. Do it as soon as he does it, every time. If he can opt out so can you.

I can't stand these man caves. It's makes me so bloody angry.

Another voice saying you are NOT being over protective or overreacting.

Sure, some people will know 9-year-olds who are fine to hold babies. But it doesn't mean yours is. Take the age and relationship out of the equation and if you're not comfortable or feel that DD is not safe then what you say goes. It doesn't matter who it is. It might mean you're happier for the milkman to hold DD than DSD or MIL but that's YOUR decision so trust your instincts.

Your DSD is old enough for you to have a chat and explain why you have rules about DD and to find ways for her to be included that fit within your comfort levels.

This phase won't last forever and there is plenty that DSD can get involved with as DD (and you) get stronger. No need to rush. You're not shutting her out of DD's life, just protecting DD right now because she needs it.

Also, ignore bitching from your MIL and don't let anything spoil these precious first few weeks and months.

Mostly, as others have chorused, your DP needs to support you in all of this. Next time he is about to bugger off, say "I'm just going upstairs with DD so you two can have some quality time together and watch that movie/play that computer game you like".

I'm surprised at the people saying you are being over protective, the girl has reasonable access to piss around playing dollys with her sister, but she ignores instructions on purpose that will keep a young baby safe because she wants to feel like more of a mummy.
I wonder if your MIL realises that dsd is allowed to hold dd when she is sitting and an adult is there. It would fuck me off big time even if an adult was waking my baby to settle their own need to be holding a baby and pushing bottles at them they dont need.
I think being harsh on your dd is the least of your worries, she sounds rude and disrespectful, choosing to do her own thing with your baby because she has decided she is practically an adult, yet shows less self control than a toddler. Dh sounds like a flake but 9 is old enough to take personal responsibility for bad behaviour and ignoring your wishes regarding the safety of your baby is not a small thing IMO.

I disagree that you are being over cautious, I don't think a 9 year old is actually strong enough to be carting a young baby around, one slip and there could be an accident!
As for your DH and his 'Man Cave' well, words 'almost' fail me! You're getting over a C Section and caring for a young baby, and he thinks it's OK to b**r off and leave you to cope with both of HIS children....that is just so not bloody on! Yes, you should be laying down some house rules, but you should be starting with him!!!

YANBU op. You need a room with a lock for you and the baby and dsd needs to be with her dad .