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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Annoyed with dp

49 replies

Neverenuff · 13/08/2015 07:42

DP plays football on a Thursday night (only recently this has started) we have his kids every 2nd Thursday.

Me and the kids haven't always got along and at the minute I'm finding them both really cheeky.

DP and I have had numerous chats about me watching the kids on my own and I personally dont like it or want to. as anything I say always goes back to mum and she starts a row with dp. Even for the slightest thing.

So this week dp has told me he is in a bit of a huff with me because I won't watch his kids and he will have to miss his football.

If I had a better relationship with them I wouldn't mind but it's really strajned just now and I justdont want to do it.

I'm annoyed at DP because he knows how I feel and it's like it doesn't matter.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

oneowlgirl · 13/08/2015 13:26

I originally agreed with you, however with the further info you have provided re 50/50 access & the fact that the activity doesn't take place until it's almost the kids bedtime, I can understand where he's coming from as that access means he couldn't do any hobby / sport on a weekly basis as he'd have to miss every other week & it really doesn't sound like it would be much of a burden on you.

That said, if you really don't want to be alone with his DC, then you shouldn't have to be, so need to be firm with him & he'll have to arrange a babysitter instead. How would you feel if he did arrange a babysitter?

Original poster

Neverenuff · 13/08/2015 13:30

It's an inconvenience in that he hstarted the football without fully considering whatwoukd happen with his kids. He just assumed I would be willing to watch them. And normallyid oblige but like I say- recently the kids and I are not getting along so it is a bit of a burden on me .

OP posts:

K888 · 13/08/2015 14:05

Actually OP I didn't realise that it would 9pm and you 50/50. It doesn't sound that unreasonable. I get that he just assumed, that is annoying. Maybe this is more about the fact you are finding it hard with the kids and he doens't seem to be taking that seriously?

Glitteryarse · 13/08/2015 16:14

never lets just hope somthing never happens on a Thursday like a friends birthday, Christmas outing, girls holiday a course you would like to do as you'll find you'll be stuck in looking after someone else's kids while they swan about kicking a football about. After all a mans life is waaaay more important than a woman's right? Men need there space and all that

catsmother · 13/08/2015 16:45

Get off your high horse Fedup .... maybe I didn't word what I said particularly well but what I meant by 'expecting' so far as the ex was concerned was that the EOW Thursday was something which had been agreed and therefore she naturally 'expected' it to take place - and not unreasonably, as you were at such great pains to point out.

Now there's this football situation and the selfish DP, perhaps mindful of the fact that his ex deserves her Thursday nights sans kids wants to honour their agreement ..... which he should do, except, he's decided to meet his obligation by 'proxy' by dumping the responsibility of looking after his kids upon his partner, and without her agreement.

I was NOT suggesting for one moment that the PWC doesn't deserve 'time off' ... FFS I was a single parent myself for 9 years so I know all about that.

The point is though, I think it's likely the dad here seems reluctant to 'upset' his ex (the OP has already described how rows between them are frequent) by trying to discuss the possibility of an alternative night - and indeed maybe there isn't a suitable alternative night - yet instead of manning up and accepting that when you're a parent you can't always do your own thing whenever you want, he's decided instead to pressure his partner to do what HE should be doing so he can go off and play with his little friends. How bloody dare he be in a huff with her.

And whilst the situation might not sound 'too bad' if the kids will be in bed shortly after he goes to football I can understand the OP's reluctance to take this ongoing responsibility on if what she says (presumably related to discipline ??) is regularly repeated back to their mum and rows ensue. I wouldn't want to be looking after children yet feeling I have to curb my opinions or judgement for fear that I'll later be called into question when my partner's ex starts an argument with him about what I'd said. You simply can't look after kids properly if you're walking on eggshells. We all know that kids have a tendency to mess about going to bed, brushing their teeth, staying in bed, switching their light on and so forth - trying it on in other words. I wouldn't want to commit to that 'pleasure' on a regular basis - and as Glitter pointed out this arrangement would mess up the OP's ability to ever plan anything for herself on those nights which she should be at liberty to do.

The DP here is being incredibly selfish. If he can't go to football he should just suck it up.

fuzzywuzzy · 13/08/2015 18:30

In my experience, in relationships you need to begin how you mean to go on.

OP doesn't want the responsibility. She has stated this.

Now the parents of the children need to arrive at a mutually acceptable alternative or the OP's partner needs to man up and either miss out the odd football session/arrange a childminder or whatever.

It's not the OP's responsibility.

I'm not a step mum and I can completely see OP's PoV, it's a massive ask expecting op to be available for Thursday's for the foreseeable future.

I wouldn't do it. Especially given the children and OP don't have an amicable relationship. The DC won't be happy either.

God I couldn't be a stepmum, can't do right for doing wrong.

SurlyCue · 13/08/2015 18:42

Theres fucking loads i would like to do in the evenings but cant because i have my DCs. Am i entitled to take them hump with anyone i ask to babysit them if they say no? No i'm not because they are my children, my responsibility and no-one else has any duty to look after them. It doesnt matter if it is 9pm, OP is finding these DC difficult right now and doesnt wish to babysit them. That is her absolute right. Her DP needs to realise that partner does not equate to live in childcare.

ThatBloodyWoman · 13/08/2015 18:47

I'm not sure on which level he thinks this is ok

Wdigin2this · 16/08/2015 15:59

It doesn't really matter whether his DC come to you for one night or more, he's their father, it's him they want too/should spend time with. I agree, get a hobby that takes you out on Thursday, although it doesn't address the problem of him thinking it's OK to expect you to be the babysitter, it will drive the message home...what's good for the goose etc!

yellowdaisies · 16/08/2015 17:00

I'm rather surprised at a lot of the reactions on this thread tbh. The DSC here aren't "visiting their dad" who's somehow failing to be entertaining then 24-7. They live there in a 50-50 arrangement, presumably alternate weeks, so any day of the week that they're dad wants to join a club is going to be a night that one week in two guys kids are there. Would people tell a mother in this position that she shouldn't go out ever: when her kids are visiting because it's not fair to ask her DP to look after them one night a fortnight?

I think it's the kids behaviour and cheek you need to find ways of dealing with OP. But you really can't live with someone with kids alternate weeks and tell the poor guy he's never to leave the house. If you weren't there he could get a babysitter, but that works seem rather odd with you in the house.

Petal02 · 16/08/2015 18:03

When I posted my response, I thought the children only visited every second Thursday, as per the original post.

SurlyCue · 16/08/2015 18:14

Would people tell a mother in this position that she shouldn't go out ever: when her kids are visiting because it's not fair to ask her DP to look after them one night a fortnight

I have my dc 13 out of 14 days and nights. If i want to join a club during that time i have to get a babysitter. If i had a partner, i could ask them to babysit. However they are absolutely within their rights to say "i'd rather not tbh, especially as im finding their behaviour difficult at the minute" i would totally respect that. Just as i would not expect to become a babysitter for anyone else just because i happened to be their partner.

I think it's the kids behaviour and cheek you need to find ways of dealing with OP.

their parent needs to sort their behaviour before leaving them with anyone else. It would not be acceptable to hire a babysitter and say "find a way to deal with their cheekiness" the babysitter would run a mile!

But you really can't live with someone with kids alternate weeks and tell the poor guy he's never to leave the house

where did OP say that?

JustForThisFred · 16/08/2015 18:30

It sounds like a deeply unpleasant way to be living :(

You need to talk to him and get everything sorted out. You can't carry on like this. The children bring rude & difficult, him not sorting that or the situation with his ex out.

Then there's the fact that you say you know he wouldn't do this for you if you had kids and this was the situation he'd be the first to run....you really have to ask yourself if he's the one for you. As difficult as that is...

PinkGinny · 16/08/2015 18:57

He is being totally unreasonable. I have got lots of shit I would like to do but can't when I have my children (also a 50/50 arrangement). That's how it works when you have children. The fact he has a new partner with whom he lives doesn't change that at all.

Nor would it for me to the person who asked up thread - imo I miss out on enough of my children's lives due to no longer being in a relationship with their dad. I certainly wouldn't sign up for a regular social event that meant I missed more.

oneowlgirl · 16/08/2015 19:10

That's an interesting take on it Ginny, I never thought of it that way.

PinkGinny · 16/08/2015 19:58

I am curious as to why not to be honest oneowlgirl? It seems fairly intuitive to me. I didn't have my children with the expectation that I would not see them for half the week. Nor that another 'woman' would be undertaking my role during that period of time - good and not-so-good bits.

As an example, for the first time in my children's life I won't be sending them off for their new year at school. They happen to be with their dad when they return to school this year. So his new partner will be there in the morning as they get ready, take the obligatory back to school photo and hear all about how it went, what their new teachers are like, what the new class room is like, who they sitting with, what new children have joined the class etc. etc. I will miss that. Yes I'll hear all about it when I speak with them but I will not be part of it. I won't be part of that memory for them.

yellowdaisies · 16/08/2015 20:23

I think the way giiny feels is very understandable. But I'm not convinced it's healthy to feel that you can't have one night a week out doing a hobby you enjoy because every minute spent with your kids is so precious (even if they're asleep)

OP - I do think your DP should have checked with you first, and should be prepared to either cancel to get a sitter if you can't do it for some reason. But at the end of the day I really don't think it's unreasonable for any parent to have one night a week doing a hobby they enjoy, and to leave their kids in someone else's care whilst they do that. It really would be quite odd for a babysitter to find there's already another adult in the house

PinkGinny · 16/08/2015 21:07

Yellow - I have 7 nights a fortnight to do whatever I please, probably more than I had when still in a relationship with the children's father. And believe me I very much enjoy that time. I do not however accept that is is 'unhealthy' to prioritise my children when I do have them. If that means I can't sign up for a regular weekly social event which clashes then imo that is just tough shit. For a one-off occasion I will of course arrange a baby-sitter but to plan week in week out that I won't be home for one of the nights I have them, then eh no.

I do however accept that, if as for many RP, the free time you have is much less then the position is different.

The OPs DP is in roughly the same position as I am. I am in no doubt that if he didn't have the OP there to provide the babysitting then he wouldn't have signed up. And for that he is unreasonable.

yellowdaisies · 16/08/2015 21:16

That's a decision you're free to make for yourself Ginny But I don't think it's fair to judge a parent who wants one regular night a week doing a hobby as a lousy parent - as some have done on this thread. And i would assume that to play in a football club you need to turn up every week not once a fortnight.

And I don't think it's unlikely at all that if the OP wasn't around then her DP might well have decided to get a babysitter once a fortnight.

fuzzywuzzy · 16/08/2015 21:16

I don't tihnk Ginny's way of thinking is unhealthy.

I would not just expect DP to be happy to babysit my DC for the forseeable future one night a week. That's really taking him for granted, my DC are not his responsiblity, he does everything a father should do and I love him for it, and I would not be taking advantage of his being a decent human being by foisting my DC on him without so much as a please.

My DC are my responsibility, I'd consult him before making a massive decision about his free time. And that is what OP's DP is doing deciding what OP will be doing for the future with ther Thursday evenings.

I don't think there is anything wrong in the OP saying 'no that doesn't work for me'. And I bet the kids want to be with their dad anyway.

MsThing · 16/08/2015 21:30

I'm with Ginny. I have my DC every other week and would never take up an activity that meant missing an evening with them. I have taken up a new hobby but do it only on the weeks they are with their dad. 50/50 means you miss out on so much already.

PinkGinny · 16/08/2015 21:32

Indeed Yellow my decision, that benefits me and my children.

I am not sure I would go as far as lousy parent but I do think it is poor form. The DP in question has a number of free nights to pursue a hobby - he could I am sure find another football club / league to join on a night where he doesn't have an existing commitment to his children. It just wouldn't be with his workmates on night that suits the majority of them. I wonder how many of those workmates couldn't do other nights due to existing family commitments. He has however agreed without recognising this requires his partner to care for his children from a previous relationship. Selfish perhaps more appropriate rather than lousy.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/08/2015 21:44

How old are the DC? If their father doesnt have football until 9pm, can't he do the bedtime at 8pm, get them settled and then go?

SurlyCue · 16/08/2015 22:06

That's really taking him for granted

This is the crux of OP's situation for me. He has just assumed she would be babysitter. Perhaps it is different personality types. Perhaps some wouldnt mind at all. But I would. And clearly OP does. And that is ok. She has a right to mind. I think he should have okayed it with her beforehand and if her answer was "no, i dont want to babysit" then i'm sorry but he has to suck that up, that is parenting! There arent always willing babysitters. Sometimes you miss stuff. It isnt always your way. It isnt always do as you please. I think it is really poor form as a partner to assume your spouse/partner will be a babysitter simply because they are there. As said above, it is taking them for granted and it breeds resentment.

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