DSD's mum suddenly allowing more contact now we have baby

[RL20]

Quick rundown, we've been together 6 years, his DD is 6 (they split before they found out she was pregnant, relationship was apparently dead and buried- she finished it). He's always had trouble with the mum, access has been crap and he set the CSA payments up himself as she "didn't want anything". We have her every fortnight Friday night until Sunday night.
We now have a nearly 4 month old DS together.
All of a sudden, DSD seems to be with us all of the time. The mum is constantly offering us to have her now, and of course my OH isn't going to say no. We've just currently had her from Friday until Wednesday this week. OH works and I'm on maternity leave so I seem to be with her the majority of the time. Today she's text saying to OH, "DD has said she's staying at yours on Sunday, is that right?". DSD wouldn't of said that at all. Later she text to say, "I've just found out the childminder isn't working Mondays throughout the rest of the holidays so can you have her for the Sunday nights until Monday night". So it was obvious that the first text was a lie.
AIBU to feel annoyed? I enjoy mine and OH's chilled out Sunday nights together and as I'm still in the barely-any-sleep stage with DS, I've got in a routine of how me and DS sleep in the weekday mornings.

The comment that you want your chilled out Sunday nights rather than accommodate your husband's child is a bit worrying. Both of your husband's children and their needs should come before yours for him. Not baby, you, older daughter

It's important that a couple have some couple time, especially when there's a new baby and your life has been turned upside down.

Yes if her DP refused to have his DD because he had plans for a cosy night in then he'd be a shit, but it is up to OP whether SHE wants to spend her Mondays looking after her DSD. If she doesn't want to do it, for whatever reasons, then she's entirely within her right to say so.

OP, I know from first hand experience how important it is to put yourself first when you've got a new baby, you have to look after yourself and your own needs, if you don't you can end up ill.
Tell the truth or make an excuse, but please don't run yourself ragged looking after DSD if you don't want to/don't feel up to it. It will come to be expected and you won't get any thanks.

Fwiw as a 6 year old my Ds goes to bed at 7pm on school nights, including sundays, in fact so does his big brother. They read in bed for a while then go to sleep but are up there and no bother to me from 7pm. So no reason why DSD being there has to mean no more cosy sunday nights for OP and DH.

It's August. I would views the timing is probably more related to it being school holidays than the arrival of the new baby or maternity leave. And clearly the childminder not working Mondays has caused difficulties with childcare that the ex is trying to sort out.

But you need to talk to your DP and get him to agree to discuss any requests for extra time with you first unless it's an emergency. If his ex wants him to have DSD more now than he has in the past, and you're both happy with that, it should still be on some kind of rota so that everyone knows where they stand.

Op you need to get busy on Mondays, say you've signed up for every baby group going, siblings not allowed, then the ex has to find a solution with your dp for dsd.

I think you personally are in a no win situation here! Yes of course your OH will be happy to see more of his DD, and rightly so, but the dynamics have changed! You have a new baby, and every second of quiet time is important to you as you learn to cope with your altered life! Your DSD's mum is prob looking at this in one of two ways, either her DD wants to spend more time with her dad and new brother, and she's happy to facilitate that. Or, she sees the new baby and your mat leave as a shift in the situation, which she feels she can take advantage of! So, if you say you cannot look after your DSD on your own, whilst you're dealing with the day to day baby stuff, you're going to look like the mean guy...or you take it all on board, wear yourself out and feel resentful!! Whichever way you go, you should always be involved in discussions about DSD staying over when your OH can't be there!

whichever way you go, you should always be involved in discussions about DSD staying over when your DH can’t be there

Absolutely – although I’ve never understood why the child would need to visit when her father isn’t there? We used to call it ‘access by proxy’. In any other part of life, visiting someone when they’re not home would be deemed pointless.

I know plenty of women who've had a second child and have left their eldest in childcare quite a bit when they have a new baby, to keep things normal for the elder child, and to give them more time to sleep. It's not abnormal if you can afford it, even if the elder child is your own

It's not up to you to take care of dsd. Your partner should be having her more but it's his responsibility to take care of her.

Hmm, the access suddenly appearing when it's the school holidays and you are on mat leave does seem like she's using you to save some money, could you ask your DH to look at camps or childcare for your DSD for at least part of the Mondays for the next couple of weeks? Anything being run at DSD's school?