Should we take DSS on hols with is?

[Babyzoola]

DP has had a rocky relationship with his son 12 for years and often goes through fazes of is son not wanting to see him. We are currently going through one of these fazes and DP has not seen him for 9 months, he calls, texts and occasionally pops to EXW house to see his son but his son still refuses to ever spend any time with him.

Over the years it has become a bit of a game to his DS, he will refuse to see him for long periods of time, refuses to speak to him on phone and as soon as something fun cones up like a holiday or a trip to see family for weekend (live far away) he will come along with a smirk on his face behave awful with the attitude of screw you I can do what I like and you can't tell me off or do anything because I won't see you again, then once home he goes back to refusing to see his dad.

So this has been happening for years and the last 9 months dp has desperately been trying to see his son snd sort these issues, he has sat his son down and told him he loves him, wants to see him regularly but that if it continues then he will not be taking him away on a summer holiday etc and he can't expect to ignore his dad all year and then just go away, when he said this his son just smirked and laughed in his face.

So we are coming up to a summer brake in a few weeks and dp is now unsure what to do, should he just invite his son along or should he stick to what he actually said and not take him on the hope it will actually make him realise?

He has tried one to one with his son and that seemed like it was going really well for a few months, then again he just decided one day for no reason that he didn't want to go when he went to pick him up and again he then had no contact for 6 months until the summer holiday came up and he came.

Sometihng doesn't ring right in the situation. Your OH has a kid who seem happy to spend time with his dad and suddenly wants nothing to do with him, without giving him a reason, and your OH just accepts it and doesn't tries to figure out what is going on happy for contact to stop for all these months?

Everything was fine with the Ex but suddenly she won't speak to him? It is obvious something is going on and I can't help but wonder if your OH is telling you everything about the situation.

Surely the key question to be asked and understand is 'why?' before anything else?

Surely the key question to be asked and understand is 'why?' before anything else?

This question is very rarely asked when NR DCs reject their parent. The same behaviour towards a parent from a Resident child, particularly if they are in a nuclear family, would raise all sorts of alarm bells.

If a child disclosed to another adult that "they didn't want to see their (resident) dad anymore" or refused to go home from school/club with a collecting parent, Social Services would be involved straight away.

But when it's a non-resident child, who has the option of remaining with their primary carer, there are no concerns, just the acceptance that sometimes, non-resident children choose not to see a parent. And as a result, it's impossible to treat the child as an equal with the other children in the non-resident home; because the child is subject to totally different standards and values than the resident DCs.

I agree with you Peruvian, but I don't understand why the non resident parent wouldn't want to know why your child with whom you had a good relationship suddenly goes hot and cold. My experience of being a step-child and being involved with step-children is that they often don't feel like they belong in the new family. It doesn't have to be that anyone is horrible to them, but that being around the family makes them feel excluded and that is a very unpleasant feelings to a child. A lot of the time, the child is expected to want to spend time with the entire family when all they want is to be with their parent.

I am not saying that the child's needs should take priority, but the child deserves to be listened to. Unfortunately, they often don't dare opening up, either because they don't want to hurt the parent, or because they feel they will be blame for how they feel and no good will come out of it.

As a parent, if at anytime I felt rejected by one of my children, I would have to get to the bottom of why that is because I would assume that I am doing something wrong and would want to make it better, either because I was doing something -or not- that I wasn't conscious of, of by reaching a compromise if I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but respected that it affected my child.

No I wouldn't take him. We've had similar issues with dsd picking and choosing when to come round depending on what we're doing. It's either she comes round or not, our dc still do the mundane family things with us. Dsd shouldn't be able to walk in and do the fun things then go home when she feels it's boring. Though I know this is different as he's choosing to not be there at all. We went on holiday without dsd as it was always such a big deal and we either had to wait ages for her dm to decide if she could come or dsd when she was older. So we went and yes she was a bit upset but think it made her realise that the world doesn't revolve around her and she's been great since! I agree in most cases you should never treat kids different but it is different. We have the issue where if we've had disagreements with dsd in the past you can guarantee we won't see her for at least a few weeks and we can't do anything about it. That's hard cos you can't discipline like that. Our dc can't do that so we can discipline them properly.
I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of why too though. Seems odd that from such a young age he's been doing this.

Thanks for all the replies

Like I say it appears to have started when DSS was 4/5 he used to scream and refuse to go, his mum then wouldn't let dp take him but regardless dp turned up every week without fail to collect him to the same thing, the first time this happened when he was 4/5 it went on for 7 months then one day he went to pick him up, DSS happily went with him and things were great for a while.

When things are good DSS would be at the window waiting shouting daddy, daddy and lots of kisses etc and would have a great time then suddenly once again he will go and he will start refusing again.

Dp has always told DSS that it was his fault that him and his mum split when DSS asks and I have always said this May not have been the best way to deal with it so maybe that's where this behavior cones from.

I will show dp the replies in this thread and see how he feels from there as we go away in a few days so need to make some decisions