Struggling a bit with his children, and how we move forward?

[shenandoah1]

This is a really difficult post to write. I feel super disloyal to my OH, but I keep mulling it over and could really use some advice. I have no-one in this position in RL. And my OH is my best friend - but for obvious reasons until I get this straight in my head, I can't talk about this.

We've been together a while now. He has 2 DC under 9, I have 2 that are much older (mid/late teens). OH is a fantastic guy, truly. I adore him, and it feels like he's the one I've been waiting all my life to meet. (sorry, appreciate that sounds a bit vomit-y). He feels the same about me, is really supportive of me, helps me in lots of ways. My life feels so much better, happier, easier, since I met him. He gets on ok with my DC but they are basically young adults - so his relationship with them is more of a pals/mates kind of thing than anything parental. They are often out with friends/ having friends round/ in their rooms on social media etc so we don't do much together as in my DC, me and OH, but that's not an issue, my DC don't really think it's cool at their age to be seen with their mum - we go out for meals every few weeks & they're happy with that.

So, our relationship is pretty serious, we see each other 3/4 nights a week. We were intending to move in together in the next 12 months, but I can't see that happening, nor do I think it would be fair until I feel happier about how we'd work as a blended family.

I should say first I have very little to do with children other than my own. None of my close friends have any children. So I'm not really used to dealing with them. His DC are totally different from mine (at that age) but that's probably due to different upbringing, but I do find it hard at times, and I think I need to understand if it's me, if I'm being unfair and therefore need to find some way of looking at it differently, or whether others would find some of their behaviours difficult too, and how you'd handle them.

I'm lucky in that they're not hostile to me, quite the opposite they are very affectionate (I'm not a naturally affectionate person other than to my DC so I do sometimes feel a bit awkward about this, but reciprocate their cuddles, let them sit on my lap, play with my hair). So that's not it. It's more like they're not very good at being told no - as I understand it their mum never refuses them anything. If you say no they get really upset very quickly. For example they'll ask for a drink/snack while we're maybe walking back from the park to their house. I'll say we'll be back in a few mins, you can have one then. But they'll keep asking, saying they have to have a drink NOW etc, they're thirsty/too hungry (and cry, or keep asking and asking) and we'll end up having to take a detour via the shop. Or if they ask at mine what's in a cupboard, I tell them then they're pulling the door and trying to open it, and if I refuse that creates upset.

They're really bad at losing games and if they don't win we get sulking and tears. If they do win (and if I finish last, for ex) the elder DC will say 'oh you're really rubbish at this game, look how much I beat you. You've done so badly'. To which I smile and say well, someone has to come last, it's only a game, but the 'Yes but look how bad you did, I've done so much better' continues for some time. Every time. My DC were never allowed to speak to adults like that, and still aren't now!

I also have to take turns to sit in the front seat of OH's car, or play a game to win a turn. Again, my DC never sat in the front if there was an adult there. One way round it is to go separately in my own car, but obviously once we live together I don't want to be taking two cars out every time! We've also never spent the night together whilst DC are with him because his DC sleep in his bed at least part of the night, and they'd get upset if they couldn't get into his room in the morning. But again if we can't get to that stage how are we ever going to be able to live together?

I do like them, I just find some of their behaviour quite difficult to handle, and I want to work this out now so I don't get resentful of them. I know written down it seems pretty trivial, and fully accept that my OH comes as a package. But I just find this harder than I expected. Any thoughts/advice??

I know without even discussing it that he wouldn't say that about the police because it would be a lie (and he refuses to lie to them) but moreover because they sit in the front all the time in everyone's car, not just his. And he (and all the rest of the family apparently) have no problem with it generally.

I appreciate that it may make me the wicked stepmother but I honestly can't do another 10 years of taking my turn in the front. The sleeping...I think he can gradually be firmer about it, but even if he's not eventually they'll grow out of it, until then I won't be able to stay over if they're there, which is inconvenient and does mean it will take us longer to get to the point of living together but it doesn't grate on me the way the car situation does. And is something I know will resolve itself eventually whereas I can't see the front seat ever being given up voluntarily.

I received some advice once on being a SP which is to pick your battles - work out what is important to you as it actually affects you and stick to your guns, try and let everything else go. So for me - SS not brushing his teeth / wearing a hat in the cold / eating his veg / being rude to his Dad - not my problem. SS jumping on my sofa / being rude to me / getting into the bed in which I am sleeping in the middle of the night - definitely my problem.

For me both of the things you describe above are definitely in the 'does affect me' category.

The sitting in the front thing used to drive me nuts - SS viewed it as 'his' seat and it took ages to overcome it - DP used to be all like 'c'mon, it's not a big deal to you, he'll kick off if you don't let him sit in the front, it's what he's used to, don't make him cry' etc etc, and I sucked it up once or twice but then made it clear that was it - I was in the front or I wasn't accompanying them anywhere, end of. We had a few weeks of wailing about how unfair it was, how we should take it in turns and so on but eventually the message of 'well when it's just you and daddy you can go in the front, but if I'm here that's my seat - that's how we do things in this house' sunk in and he stopped arguing. To me putting an adult in the back of a car in preference to a child, particularly in a step situation, sends the wrong message about the adult's position in the family.

And the bed thing was also a huge deal for me - I am just not comfortable with SS sleeping in the same bed as me - it is too intimate to me to sleep with a child that isn't mine, and besides that it makes for a terrible nights' sleep, I have to wear pyjamas, there is the risk of bedwetting. Not for me thanks. Again this took probably a couple of years to get DP round to my way of thinking - I am more than happy for him to go and sleep in SSs room if it's needed, but not for SS to be in my bed. Even several years down the line, I still have to remind him it's not acceptable to me, and that if SS comes in he needs to take him back to his own bed.

Have you actually spoken to your DP and made him aware of how these things make you feel? Mine just didn't get it initially, and it has taken a long long time and a lot of arguments to get him to understand that I do not have the same connection to SS that he does, and therefore things that he is naturally comfortable with, I am not.

It is a long hard road being a SP and you need to have some confidence that your DP will take on board how you feel and actually do something about it if you are even to embark down it, otherwise it can be very lonely with DP and children happily ambling along, and you feeling quite separate and trailing behind.

I feel sorry for them, the car seat thing is annoying, but their parents encouraged it. I think the advice to pick your battles is good advice. Also remember how hard it is for these kids.

moreover because they sit in the front all the time in everyone's car, not just his. And he (and all the rest of the family apparently) have no problem with it generally.

I can only imagine that he has a very small social circle or deliberately avoids offering lifts to friends/colleagues. I'm sure if one of my friends with younger DCs picked me up on the way for a day out and told me I'd have to sit in the back because the front seat was her DSs spot, I'd likely reply with WTF?

Each to their own, but if, as a parent, you choose to raise your DCs against "social norms" then it's inevitable that eventually, you will become socially isolated to a greater or lesser degree. In your DPs case, he's risking losing the chance of a meaningful relationship.

And don't assume that his DCs will grow-out of cosleeping, particularly if it's actively encouraged - one of my DHs colleagues is currently embroiled in a messy court battle with his ex, the DS regularly co sleeps with his mum at the age of nearly 12, and is currently refusing o/n contact with his Dad because his Dad refused to let him cosleep once he went to secondary school.

I know a single mum who certainly co slept with her dd til she was at least 13 if not older. Even now if there's a spider in her room or a thunder storm, she'll get in bed with mum. She'll be 17 in a few months.

That surprises me about the co sleeping. My DC slept in my bed a lot when younger, eldest stopped doing it by 6 or 7, though would still come in first thing for a cuddle, my younger DC was later but still stopped other than very occasionally by 8.

I've not discussed the sleeping with OH. Tbh, we're on the same page in that I don't think I can be there overnight if they're still regularly waking in the night and coming into his bed. It does mean I can't be there overnight and equally he can't stay here with the DC either. I know when we've spoken generally about his DC, he said that closeness was quite important as it took many months at the start to build up. I don't think he's quite ready to do anything about it yet, but maybe in another few months I'll talk to him about it.

The car thing to me is something we need to sort out. I've let it go on for a year already, which I think is enough. Squirrel what you said sounds very like the reaction I anticipate. But again as you said I think it gives his DC the wrong msg, especially since with the game thing it feels like they sometimes seem to enjoy getting one over on me

Demanding, indulged children grow into entitled, dependant adults...be very aware of this!

In some ways he is handling you very smartly-you are so good with his children , you don't want to be disloyal to him by asking for advice on mn, he is in no hurry to move into your house--On the other hand he is very clear that you come second - in his bed, the front seat in the car--. Who benefits if he moves into your house? Who benefits if your larger income is merged with a man who has to pay maintenance? Whose children benefit if you become the sm to his younger children and he has already made it clear that the mess your children make in their own home is not acceptable to him? WOW! He has a lot of plans and assumptions for you, your assets and your children that he is keeping to himself. Read the stepparents forum and listen to your gut.

If they are under 9 shouldn't they be in car seats? Or do the car seats get shifted round too?

I can never get my head round parents who stick their kids in the front when there is a back available. The front passenger seat is the "death seat". In a crash the driver instinctively saves themselves thus meaning that it is the front seat that gets the worst of the impact. (I have been in one car crash in my life. I escaped with a tiny cut on my thumb and went to work as usual. If I had had a passenger then they would have had a fence post through their chest. It was 15 years ago and I still feel slight shock at the thought of it.)

If I were you, I'd forget all about moving in together at the moment!
If you're having a good time with him, enjoying his company etc, apart from your issues with his DC, then just carry on as you are, in your own homes! Enjoy the 'courtship' period for even a few years more, why not....your DC will probably have left home, and his will (hopefully) have grown up enough not to demandp/expect so much from him, plus it takes the pressure off both of you! Then you can re-evaluate your relationship, see if it's stood the test of time, and make changes as they seem appropriate!