Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

CM - Should I be paying it if DP can't?

77 replies

looperstar · 16/07/2015 13:35

DP unexpectedly in between contracts atm, has'nt earned for a couple of months, has told CSA and they have judged no payments until he's back in work as he can't claim benefits. It shouldn't be long before he gets another contract, but in the meantime SS's mum wants 'us' to continue to make the normal payments to her, which in reality means me as DP has no money coming in and we keep separate finances. She keeps saying we owe her back payments even though the CSA have told her he cant opay atm.

I could probably give her some money if we cut even more corners than we are already with just my pay coming in, but I don't feel it's my responsibility to do so and neither does DP. One of my friends thinks IABVU and I should pay it on DP's behalf so that SS doesn't suffer whuile his dad isn't paying. What have others done in this situation?

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 16/07/2015 17:47

Those saying put money aside, presumably he is earning a decent rate when contacting and is paying based on that. If he then puts money aside to pay when he isn't working he is then paying even more, CSA is a percentage of income which presumably he is paying.
Surely it is therfore up to his ex to put money aside in this instance?

Quesera21 · 16/07/2015 17:50

OP no you should not pay.

Your DP is however a dickhead. He has a job where there may be down time and he has no income. Fine when they were together and families muck in but now he is not. He should have been putting some monies aside for those times. He knew this was going to happen and if Iw as his EX I would be pissed off aswell. To her, he now needs to pay nothing yet his standards of living does not slip as you fund it.

Does he think his DC does not need feeding, drinking etc - no, just let his EX pick up the full cost, which of course she will have to. It is that stick my head in the sand attitude that pisses so many RPs off. Completely irresponsible attitude.

PosterEh · 16/07/2015 17:54

Given he owes back payments on the CSA minimum I doubt he is providing enough when he does pay for her to set aside. Unless he's a very high earner in which case you wouldn't expect this downtime to be a problem.

ChipsOnChips · 16/07/2015 17:54

fluffybum one would hope that most step mums care about their step children more than they do about the other random "children the world over going without".

DanaBarrett · 16/07/2015 17:56

Agree with chasingsquirrels ex is receiving money based on a % knowing there will be times when he's out of work. So she gets payments when he's in work, which also cover when he's not.

CandyLane · 16/07/2015 18:06

I personally wouldn't pay it.

But in my situation the DSCs mum is better off than we are anyway (her + partner earn about double what we do) and she's made it quite clear in the past that I am nothing to do with her DCs so she can't exactly come demanding me to pay her money for the DCs she wishes I wasn't involved with.

Having said that, if circumstances were different and I had spare money and she was struggling and the children were going without then I would probably lend what I could to DH to pay her.
I wouldn't get myself in to financial difficult to do it though.

I think the reasons why he is unemployed and why no money was put aside is a little irrelevant. The fact is that he didn't put money aside and that's not really anything to do with OP as they have separate finances. Some people are just rubbish with money and don't budget or plan ahead, my DH being one of them! But that doesn't make him a worse dad, just crap with money.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/07/2015 18:12

poster I read the back payments as the ex saying for the past couple of mths he has been out of work and rated as zero payments, she wants him to catch up those mths when he is back in work, whereas he not liable. Although would be nice if he could financially do so.

HoneyLemon · 16/07/2015 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CandyLane · 16/07/2015 18:15

To her, he now needs to pay nothing yet his standards of living does not slip as you fund it
Of course his standard of living has slipped! They have gone from two incomes to just one and OP has stated that they've had to make cut backs. Yes he's lucky that he's got OP to support him of course he won't be living the life he was when he was working!

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 16/07/2015 18:24

Chips, I'm sure most SM do, I know I do. But if I can't to subsidise CM I won't. I'm sure the op care for her dsc and provides for them on her care. That's all she can do in this situation, no point saying "another child going without", as lots do unfortunately.

ChipsOnChips · 16/07/2015 18:29

honey I was addressing the very weird point that fluffy made that put step children in the same category as other random children.

I agree that the OP should not have to pay I just get so angry at these arsehole "fathers" who choose not to prioritise their DC.

I have no personal experience (married with our own DC and no step DC) but cannot imagine behaving the way the OPs partner has. And I'd certainly lose all respect for any man who did.

DinosaursRoar · 16/07/2015 18:43

Well if he didn't have the OP to cover the 'downtime' between contracts, then he'd have even less ablity to save for times like this, as his savings would have to go on living between contracts...

In the future, then perhaps you need to talk to DP about paying above the CSA rate when in work, but specifing to the exP that the extra money is to cover the fact there'll be 'downtime' between contracts, if she chooses to save that to cover it, or spend and then cope without between contracts, then it will be her decision. (It will just give her more control over her own income)

HoneyLemon · 16/07/2015 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsColouring · 16/07/2015 19:04

A lot of assumptions are being made on this thread. People saying that the dp should put money aside for these situations - well paying bills, paying maintenance and saving isn't that easy. People saying the dsc will go without when we have no idea what the circumstances are. The ex may have a good income.

I don't think think the op should pay as it is his responsibility and the ex may come to expect it in the future. However, if the dcs are suffering, offering to buy shoes etc might be a compromise.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 16/07/2015 19:17

Chip, it wasn't my point that I made though

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 16/07/2015 19:20

Anyway, before I get misunderstood further it doesn't really matter after all. Op doesn't have the money and her dp doesn't think she should take on the responsibility anyway. Mum will just have to adjust like all people when times are tight.

Original poster
looperstar · 16/07/2015 19:38

Oh dear...I didn't mean for this to get all bunfighty!

As far as I know my dscs mum isn't on the breadline - but she has made it very clear in the past that her life and financial situation is none of his business, so truthfully I have no idea. I know there us a fireign holiday planned and we are still hearing about treats and days out so I'm assuming no one's going to starve. In the past I have often stumped up money for things when DP's been a bit skint, which exw knows have come out of my pocket, but there has never been an thank you or acknowledging so I am loathe to do it again. One of DPS concerns is what Mscolouring says above, that exw will come to expect payment from me if we ever end up in similar circumstances again.

I knew this would descend into an NRP bashing from some quarters, but my question wasn't what should DP do, or should have done, that's his choice not mine, it's whether you think I should be paying the CM while he can't!

Thanks to all of you with measured sensible thoughts on both sides of the argument Smile

OP posts:
fedupbutfine · 16/07/2015 20:15

In the past I have often stumped up money for things when DP's been a bit skint, which exw knows have come out of my pocket, but there has never been an thank you or acknowledging so I am loathe to do it again

I'm not sure it's the ex who has to be grateful to you? Maybe you need to look closer to home?

For what it's worth, I don't think you should pay. I do however find this one of those double-standards of step-parenting that has no easy solutions. I support my children alone - no maintenance from my ex. My new boyfriend (not partner yet, not living together) will need to accept that. He is also a high earner so I will be wiped out of any Child Benefit or tax credits if he moves in. He has his own 3 children to support via child maintenance and does so with no arguments. If I were to be made redundant, he would have no option but to support both myself and my children (all 3 of them) in full. If he refused to do that, there would be screams of 'you come as a package' and 'leave the bastard' (and of course, leaving the bastard with 3 or more children is going to become more difficult after April 2017). Yet the OP is almost knighted for suggesting she buys the odd item for the children, or takes them out, or other stuff. If my boyfriend becomes liable for my children, why is that not the case for the OP?

HoneyLemon · 16/07/2015 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JakieOH · 16/07/2015 20:32

I'd say ......... HELL NO Grin

Original poster
looperstar · 16/07/2015 20:35

Interesting take fedup....I think if my DSC lived with us I would feel more of a sense of financial responsibility. As it is, due to distance it's eow and school holidays, and whilst we have a good relationship I don't really have any sort of parental role and therefore don't feel that responsibility. I'm not saying I'm right, and perhaps I should feel differently but I don't! It's a bit like if one of my friends was skint, I might offer to help out to be kind, but not because i felt I had to iykwim.

OP posts:
Snoozybird · 16/07/2015 21:09

fedup if your boyfriend moved in with you, then he becomes a member of your household. The act of him paying towards the household puts a roof over his own head as well as you and your DC's, hence the whole thing being "a package". Which is actually no different than what the OP is doing here by supporting her own household, except that "the package" is one that she sees for less time. If your DC's father saw them regularly then no one would expect your boyfriend to pay any money to him if he fell on hard times.

I think some pp's are being unfair to the OP's DP, if he was that much of an irresponsible swine then as a contractor he'd have absolutely no trouble disappearing into the self-employed £5 per week CM route.

Part and parcel of being a contractor is benefiting from a higher-than-average wage whilst you're in work precisely to compensate for gaps in employment. If his ex has been accepting CM based on the higher income then she also needs to share in the higher risk i.e if his money stops then so does hers.

OP it's absolutely not your responsibility to pay CM on behalf of your DP and seeing as you're already cutting corners I wouldn't say there's any moral obligation either at this point. If in the future you can see your DSCs are starting to go without then you could reassess the situation then and buy them stuff directly if you wanted to.

DixieNormas · 16/07/2015 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ltk · 16/07/2015 21:20

No, don't pay. However you should have a talk with your dp about how he pays maintenence. If things get tight for his dc, loan him the money so that he can pay, but expect to be paid back. He should ensure from now on that he puts enough money into savings to avoid missing payments for his dc during off-contract times. And taking 'any job' is exactly what parents do to continue providing for their children.

SugarOnTop · 16/07/2015 21:25

If he can't support his children he shouldnt be so fussy. same applies to the mother too i presume? Hmm

she has always known what he and the nature of his work was like-she was married to him afterall. She too should have made plans for those times considering she's the one who chose to have full residency. If she can't support her kids on a comibination of her wage and all the child related and tax credit benefits she is receiving for the period inbetween his contracts, and considers her income and life to be 'none of his business'.....then she too needs to stop being 'fussy' make cutbacks.

The NRP however, loses nothing if they move in with a partner. well that isn't true - they lose out on a big chunk of their dc lives for starters