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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Was I out of order

40 replies

HormonalHeap · 16/07/2015 13:33

Dsd 16 staying for 2 wks over hols. Has never got on with my ds 15. With no provocation last night she called him a c..t. Dh said he told her off but he never does. So I told her if she ever spoke to ds again like that she'd be on the first train back to her dm.

Dh went mental with me. Says I had no right to say that. I know I was wrong but I've often said it to my own, and I'm just so sick of the way dh never calls her on anything because she threatens to not see him.

OP posts:

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 17/07/2015 17:34

FortyCoats thank you for your perspective, it's good to hear because on the isolated occasion i have said that to my son in desperation, his reaction looked like water off a duck's back and I'm pretty good at reading him- but i guess you just never know.

Canyouforgiveher there is nothing I can do about my dh's lack of discipline. I can't change the way he parents his children but it's very, very hard to live with. He will set down rules but they are fully aware that there are no consequences to ignoring them, and he is loathe to tell them off about anything whatsoever.

I am going to apologise this evening for saying I would send her back to her dm, but tell her myself what she said was unacceptable.

Thank you wise ladies.

OP posts:

kittensinmydinner · 17/07/2015 19:02

There is a common idea that runs through step parent threads. Said by dads who see their children eow or some other arrangement that is less than the time the dsc spend with their DM. ' my house is their house'. ... But as lovely as it sounds ..it's actually not ! They have a home . Where they live. Where their stuff is. The only exception to this is genuine 50/50 shared care where the dsc have their stuff in both places and are 'at home' in both places. So imho telling a 16 yr old to behave and go home if she can't is completely in order. They are young adults at that age and sometimes have to hear it like it is. If any of my dsc spoke to my dsc that way they would be on the bus back home in 5 mins flat. I say that as a step mum to 4 and mum to 3. Two dsc's live with us and therefore their home is with us and they behave in a way that is appropriate. They would not be told to 'go home' because they are home. The two that live with their DM would be booted back from once they came until they could behave.

Wdigin2this · 17/07/2015 23:30

Hormonal, my original thoughts on reading your post, were outrage on your behalf, and I still think that a 16 year old girl (or anyone come to that) using such offensive and flammable laungage in your home is absolutely unacceptable! But, I agree to tell her she would be sent home, was a mistake, and I understand her DF's upset! But I imagine it was not an isolated incidence, and this was the straw that broke your back, plus you wanted your son to see that her behaviour was not being condoned! You probably should apologise, but if you do, it should also be made chrystal clear to her that such laungage/behaviour will not be tolerated in the family home, and if she wants to be treated with respect, she should earn it...and lastly, if your DH doesn't want you losing it with his DD, he'll have to man up and parent her properly, she's not a princess, and your home is not her personal Disneyland!!! Good luck in resolving this!

swingofthings · 18/07/2015 07:25

You were most certainly right to pick her up on it, totally unacceptable language and behaviour, you were very wrong to 'punish' her by telling her that she had no right to be in her dad's home. I am guessing this is what you said because you didn't know what else to say, it was telling her that it was your home before hers. Unfortunately, it's easy to say things we don't mean to when we are angry, but that is the point, did she told him that out of anger? And if so, what triggered it?

Melonfool · 18/07/2015 08:33

I don't think it's sensible to imbue one word with such power. The rule should be "no insults/name calling", no special rules for specific words cos that just makes them more attractive to a teen as they know it winds you up.

And I agree with whoever said just stop reacting to the teen or you'll drive yourself to an early grave. dss winds me up all the time but I do my best to stay calm and I have " a look" that he knows means he's going too far.

Sanctions are hard. Sending to room means nothing. He's currently banned from the internet and had his Kindle and iPhone removed. Not sure what else we can do if he acts up more - though he's better the more he says with us, it's his SD that causes the problems I think.

TRexingInAsda · 18/07/2015 08:51

It's terrible to say that to her. She should feel like that's her home, not like you're doing her a favour letting her stay on condition of her good behaviour. Children should feel they are loved unconditionally. If I was him I'd be really, really pissed of as well, I'm not surprised he blew up at you. I hope you apologised.

It's not great you say it to your ds either, but he will be much more secure of his position in the house, so it would have much less of an impact on him, as he knows you don't mean you don't want him there really.

SoupDragon · 18/07/2015 09:04

So imho telling a 16 yr old to behave and go home if she can't is completely in order.

No, it really isn't - for several reasons.

the implication is that your house I'd fun and being sent home is a punishment
the child should not be treated as a guest in their parent's home
sending a child back is not dealing with the problem, it is washing your hands of it.

I would never threaten my children with being sent to their fathers house, I punish them appropriately in my own home.

OP, I think it is good that you are going to apologise for threatening to send your DSD back. Are you certain that there was no provocation at all" it's an odd thing to go from zero to cunt with nothing in between. You say your DSD doesn't get on with your DS. How does he feel about her? I found it interesting that you say that DSD doesn't get on with DS rather than "they don't get on"

SoupDragon · 18/07/2015 09:06

In my house, swearing like that in anger at another person results in an immediate week's technology ban.

PeruvianFoodLover · 18/07/2015 09:16

the implication is that your house I'd fun and being sent home is a punishment
the child should not be treated as a guest in their parent's home

From what the OP has said, her DSD is treated like a guest and dads house is the "fun" house, though.

A stepparent has no choice but to go along with the dynamic that the NRP creates between their DC and the rest of the family. If that means that the SDC is treated as an honoured guest, then the step parents first priority must be their own DC, and if the "honoured guest" behaves badly, then they should be asked to leave, surely?

Wdigin2this · 18/07/2015 09:37

I see your point absolutely Peruvian, and if my DSC were young and came on access visits, I would probably have left home by now! But still, you just can't tell your DH's kids....'behave or ship out', much as I'm sure a lot of us would have loved to at some point!!!

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 18/07/2015 22:57

Dsd is most certainly treated as a guest when she's here- she dictates what she does and often what we all do, and dh makes it happen. She wanted to go abroad for a couple of days..off we go!

In answer to the question of what she said being had to be provoked, ds had said "You don't know what you're talking about", with regards to something being discussed.

I apologised to my sd over dinner last night, told her I would never send her anywhere but that I had just been very angry. All finished- hopefully.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 18/07/2015 23:45

Well Hormone, I hope she hasn't got the idea that you apologising meant she wasn't at fault in the first place....'cos she damn well was!!! And her DF should ensure she is aware of this...but I doubt he will!! TBH I despair of DF's who will allow any kind of behaviour or expectation from their DC, because they left the family home and 'abandoned' their DC, and so are 'qeternally guilty'! I'm fully anticipating an 'expectation' from my grown DSC this weekend, but they can expect as much as they like....it's not happening, because it involves me and DH completely changing long organised plans, and 'little me' will say a big unequivable NO! Bugger off, your dad and I have other plans,which dont involve ferrying/paying/picking up and bringing steaming teenage kids home!.,

PeruvianFoodLover · 19/07/2015 08:47

I despair of DF's who will allow any kind of behaviour or expectation from their DC, because they left the family home and 'abandoned' their DC, and so are 'qeternally guilty'!

That's not the only reason that NR dads absolve themselves of parenting responsibility.
Some are so scared that their DCs will "vote with their feet" and they'll no longer less them. Usually, this is the case when there has been a high conflict split - a (younger) child can only reject one parent with the active support of the other parent, and some RP are only too willing to "allow their DC to chose".

Wdigin2this · 19/07/2015 08:58

I agree Peruvian, which is why I posted on another thread...no matter the whys and wherefores of a break-up, DC should never be used as pawns in their parents battles! And no matter how acrimonious the split, children still need mum & dad, so parents should put their differences aside and bite the bullet, so as to ensure stability in their kids lives...it's the very least we owe our young children!!

swingofthings · 19/07/2015 14:40

Ironically, this might turn out to be a positive event as apologising to her will teach her much more than what you were telling her. Hopefully she will appreciate the gesture and reciprocate when she next gets angry.

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