Step father gaining custody of my daughter

[catarratto]

my ex partner has not seen our daughter for 3 years. He gained access although I had 2 injunctions against him and he harassed me for 2 years solid. When my daughter had contact he was verbally aggressive and the police were called on occasion. He stopped appearing for access (thank god) but has suddenly phoned my daughters school saying he is going to pick her up. Unfortunately he has parental responsibility and because of this I am worried that if I die my daughter will go straight to him. He is totally unfit to care for her and she has stated she does not wish to see him because of his behavior when she has been with him. She lives with me, her brother and step dad who she is very close to and sees a lot of her grandparents. I thought about her step dad gaining PR but her bio father would never agree to this. Also, my husband said he would fight it in court but without legal aid then how could he afford it? I'm out of my mind with worry. We have been married for 3 years and together for 5. Would the courts take my daughters (Age 8), sons and husbands view into account? But again, what about legal fees? After going through the court system regarding access, I have little faith in their decision making seeing as they made me allow contact between my daughter and a horrible unsafe 'man'.

Also, will a court not take into account my child's wishes?

They will involve CAFCAS who will gauge the child's preferences, more weight given the older they are.

You said that your DH would fight in court if you died and he needed to fight for access but it would be costly. Do you have life insurance? If not, get some sorted, and allocate a certain amount to SD to be used for legal costs by SD.

In terms of automatic custody, I have no answers, I'm afraid.

I will look into the life insurance. He could represent himself as many people seem to be doing this as they can't get legal aid. He has also talked about a loan. This whole situation is really upsetting me.

I wish my ex didn't have pr If it makes you feel a bit better, it wouldn't make much of a difference. Pr can be applied at any time and it would be automatically granted if the father is on the birth certificate (or via a DNA test) unless it was contested with very good reasons.

I don't think anyone can say for sure what a judge would decide. I have been told that a judge would only consider the child going with their birth parent. After that, it would all depends on what is put forward to them to overturn the decision. Step-father do have very little rights legally.

Personally, it is something that I find shocking: non resident step-parents have no responsibility financially towards their step-children, fair enough, but resident step-parents do, whether they like it or not. They might have no choice but to contribute much more than the kids own non resident parent, yet when it comes to such decision as residency, they have no rights whatsover compared to the biological parent. It seems all very wrong to me and very insulting towards caring resident step-parents.

As to putting down your wish in a will, I was told that it could be taken into consideration, but it is not enforcable by a judge.

I'm in a complete state about the whole thing. I can't sleep with worry.

non resident step-parents have no responsibility financially towards their step-children, fair enough, but resident step-parents do, whether they like it or not. They might have no choice but to contribute much more than the kids own non resident parent, yet when it comes to such decision as residency, they have no rights

I completely agree with this. Our current situation sees my DH paying far more towards DD1s up bringing than my ex does. That is DHs choice, and he doesn't mind doing it. But it does grate a bit that my ex has all the rights, and what feels like less of the responsibility.

Resident step parents also have their income counted as being available to support their DSC once they're students going into higher education - but have no legal rights over those children at any time. It doesn't really seem right. I can see that if a child has a strong relationship with both their natural parents, then it may be best for them to go to live with their other parent if their primary carer died - but not in a situation such as yours when the step parent is effectively the only other parent they have.

I'm fortunate in that my ex's DW's opposition lack of interest in having the DC live with him full time would probably be stronger than his lack of ability to care for them - so he and my DH could safely be left to agree it between them.

On the plus side, assuming your're young-ish and healthy a life insurance that's only needed until your DD is 16, payable to your DH which he could use for any court costs would cost next to nothing.

But don't get yourself into a state over it - take whatever sensible steps you can, as people have suggested above, then remember that you're really unlikely to die. And the older your DD gets the less likely it is that a court would uproot her.

Personally, it is something that I find shocking: non resident step-parents have no responsibility financially towards their step-children, fair enough, but resident step-parents do, whether they like it or not. They might have no choice but to contribute much more than the kids own non resident parent, yet when it comes to such decision as residency, they have no rights whatsover compared to the biological parent. It seems all very wrong to me and very insulting towards caring resident step-parents

you are mixing money with children. I personally find it insulting towards caring parents that they potentially lose their children to the step-parent and 'new' family should the PWC die. I have very little respect for my non-maintenance paying ex and his numerous girlfriends but I know that he loves our children and will do his best for them should something happen to me. He hates me - not the children - and his actions, however misguided (and wrong) are aimed at hurting me, not them. Of course the children have to live with that and it will inevitably mean that a new partner of mine contributes more towards their upbringing than their father ever will, but that doesn't stop him being their father and their bond with him will always be stronger than with my partner.

fedupbutfine

If your non maintenance paying ex really loved your children he wouldn't need something to happen to you in order to make him "do his best" for them.

Such an odd viewpoint you have adopted there. Wrong in so many ways.

fedupbutfine I agree it's not all about money but for many step parents they have provided for their DSC and cared for them as if they were their own, but then have no rights to them.
My ex was little more than a sperm donor, he walked out on me when I was 5 months pregnant, didn't even bother to turn up for the birth, didn't see him until he was a week old. He does love our son but he's failed him massively.
DH on the other hand has been there for DS since he was 6 months old, he treats him as his own, he works 50 hours a week to provide us all with a nice home, nice cars, holidays, clothes and food etc etc.
His real dad contributes £5pw which he doesn't think he should have to pay because he's on benefits. Sometimes he works for cash in hand but he doesn't contribute any of that money to DS.
He even tells DS that he can't afford to take him swimming, but he buys him computer games and take aways regularly.
He's never taken him on a day out anywhere, never taken him on a holiday, I've even offered to loan him some camping gear to take him away but basically he just can't be arsed.

DH comes to all the parents evenings, school plays, sports days etc.
I tell his real dad about them all but he never even acknowledges the text messages, let alone actually turn up to anything. He's never stepped foot in to DS's school.

But if I died tomorrow DH would have no rights what so ever to DS, and his real dad would likely be given custody if he could be bothered to go to court, just because they share DNA.
I don't think that is fair or right, and it certainly wouldn't be what is best for DS.

I have very little respect for my non-maintenance paying ex and his numerous girlfriends but I know that he loves our children and will do his best for them should something happen to me.

And that is also my situation. My ex is selfish and lazy and because of it, would never make the best parent, but he does love our children and our children love him. Therefore it would make sense that he would gain residency although I think my OH would make such a better dad. Thankfully, the children are getting older now and more independent.

However, non resident parent who don't care about their kids and don't act as a parent should still have the same rights and that over the resident step-parent who might act much more as a parent to the children than their own non resident parent.

It's not mixing money with children, it's about who is acting as a better parent towards the children.

Cattarratto, don't stress about it, it is not worth it. The reality is that your ex isn't in the picture and even if he makes threats there and then about his right to contact etc... in most likelihood, if he was faced with suddenly taking on raising your child, he would run a mile, or certainly give up very quickly when confronted and of course, the longer he doesn't see her, the harder he would be able to justify that he has your child's interests at heart.

As s non-resident step parent I would add that having dss does impact on my finances as well. I don't specifically pay for stuff but we had to buy a bigger house than we would otherwise need, we buy more food (and throw loads more food away due to plans constantly changing), holidays cost more etc etc.

But I have no problem with it and we can afford it so it's not an issue.

There is a contact order in place but he stopped coming, then said I breeched it. Because of legal aid we could no longer take it any further but in light of this in the event of my death could he not say it is because of me he hasn't seen his daughter and therefore be granted custody? I have to add, he has not sent birthday/ Christmas cards or presents or asked the school for reports or attended any parents evenings. He phoned the school out of the blue last week saying he was going to pick her up but never showed. The school said he sounded under the influence. Would this matter regarding my will even though my daughter really doesn't want to go? I have made notes of the times he didn't turn up for contact, was late and was abusive.

If your non maintenance paying ex really loved your children he wouldn't need something to happen to you in order to make him "do his best" for them. Such an odd viewpoint you have adopted there. Wrong in so many ways

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who can't get over themselves. My ex is one of them. I have long 'let it go' and work on the basis that they love him and he loves them and his anger is about me being OK (I think I was supposed to commit suicide when he left me, such is his oh so wonderful-self!) without him. If I didn't do that, we would be a constant loggerheads and that's not good. I figure the children need at least one parent able to just...'let it go' and work in their best interests so that's what I do. It's not 'wrong' and nor is it 'odd'.

Document any and all contact she has with him in a notebook. That will hep you back up how frequently he sees her. Keep any copies of emails or texts pertaining to it. Keep it factual, not "god, he's such a twat, he cancelled again". (no matter how tempting it might be )

OP, please don't get yourself into a state about this. Your daughter is 8. In another 8 years nothing of this will matter. How likely do you think it is that you will die within that period of time? Seriously? I worry that the stress you are giving yourself over a highly unlikely scenario is out of proportion.

In the unlikely event that such a tragedy were to occur I think you'll find that the courts tend to err on the side of stability and your daughter would remain in family home with the person who has been caring for her over the years, i.e. your DP.