Is it OK for everyone to assume you will look after DSC when their parents are away?

[zazas]

My DH is away for a week for work and his ex has now decided that she also needs to be away (for work) - and the assumption is that I will have DSS for the week they are both away...

The ex has a partner (the DSC stepfather) but he has decided to accompany the ex (it is a craft show in a lovely place!) However DSS doesn't want miss the last week of school's activities and doesn't want go with them (although DSD is going with them).

I/we have 3 children and work full time - with my DH and therefore with him being away I am even more pulled upon running the business. It is already a busy week and I am relying on friends to help me out with DH not being there to support us. I have a lot on my plate at the moment and adding an extra person in the mix is not as easy as the ex might imagine - especially with all the demands that the last week of school entails.

I feel that this is something that the ex and her DP should have given consideration to before deciding that they both were going to be away since they knew my DH was also going to be away for work. I also think that DSS's needs also needed to be considered from the offset before any decisions were made.

We have the DSC once a week and every second weekend and whenever the ex has extra things on - including a week recently so she could go to Glastonbury BUT we always ensure that both of us are here as our jobs are very demanding and the domestic side of caring for 5 children is not shall we say easy!

The irony is that I should really be accompanying my DH to the trade show he is attending as part of our joint work responsibilities but we have had to make the decision for me not to go because of the putting first the needs of the DC first.

However I find it hard to say no. After all I love my DSS and of course I want to support my DH but I just have this feeling that I am a bit of a mug and my usual attitude is to say yes regardless of the impact on me. So please someone tell me that it is OK to have these feelings or just to 'pull my socks up' and cope?!

You are taking on a lot OP and for a whole week.

You are being given the job of compensating for the boy's DM as it is really she who is not being kind and considerate to the boy - by forcing you to make space for him when there isn't really any. The DSF could stay home quite easily. The DGM could help.

Do you want to do this all his life? Be responsible for making him feel loved and cared for when his DP's can't be arsed aren't doing the best for him?

The DH's situation seems fixed, but there were/are options that the boy's DM could take.

DSS could go with them
DSS could go to gran
Her partner could stay home with DSS

It isn't just you that's being imposed on - it's the friends who are helping out with your DCs that week. This is unfair on you and them. Say no because you are working.

OP your DSS has two parents. Both of whom, apparently, have non-negotiable work commitments the same week, which requires them to make alternative childcare arrangements.

This happens to LOTS of parents, be they separated or nuclear. If you read the other boards on MN, there are literally hundreds of posts about similar situations; moans about in-laws who have refused or backed out at the last minute, entitled siblings who expect free childcare, and school gate friends who take advantage of good nature.
In none of those posts do you ever see responses saying that it is reasonable for the parents to expect someone else to care for the DCs. Looking after a child on behalf of that child's parents is a favour. Just because you're a stepparent, doesn't change that.

If you aren't happy caring for your DSS for that week, then you have every right to say no. I understand you'll feel bad about it, and worry about your DSS, because his parents are apparently quite flaky when it comes to his care, but really, this is not your problem to solve.
Your DP and his ex need to resolve this - just as they would if they lived together and both needed to be away for work at the same time.

I think the ex is at fault here to assume dp, and in turn you, will have dss during time when she would normally have them.

peruvian has said it all and said it well. Let the parents be responsible for ensuring care of their child. They need to grow up.

If I understood this correctly, then your DH is away at a trade fair for a business that you both run? You mentioned in op that you decided that only one of you should go as the other needed to be there for your children & run the business. As his is the child that now needs looking after, and he seems to want to help out his ex, isnt the simple solution that you go to the trade fair / business week away and he stays home and sorts out children incl his son?

The simple solution is for the ex to look after her son because it's her time to have him. If he wants to go away then she needs to find child care for him.

*she

Effic - yes that could have been an option but the flights were booked over 6 months ago in DH's name / appointments made that specifically relate to DH's side of the business so not so easy to change.

So DH agrees in theory with all this (as in it is not my responsibility) but is dragging his feet dealing with his ex (as he always does - the usual doesn't want upset anyone) over this...basically putting his head in the sand. He doesn't want talk about it when I bring it up - just to say he will talk to her. I am reluctant to nag as it is a busy time of year for us work wise so keeping things as stress free is important for my sanity! However me knowing him - means that it won't be addressed at least not in time to be sorted out.

DSS is with us this weekend - he will be expecting to return to ours in a few days later. I am predicting that the pressure will be put upon me to 'just this time to have him' and that DH will let ex know that whilst I will have DSS this time - there can't be a next time.

I know that I might appear to be 'happy' to be 'walked' over but when it is a child involved and one that is such a big part of my life - as much as I know that I am being taken advantaged off, I just can't make a stance at my DSS expense. I know this situation is unfair, not my responsibility etc but just I think I have to rise above it and deal with it. My DH 'understands' how I feel and appreciative which is something I guess.

I am a completely different Mother than my DH's ex and could never imagine expecting this from my Ex's DP nor not putting the kids first...

Big sigh...

You give in now and I can assure you it will happen again, I've seen it so many times on this board.

I still think you have to make a stand. Next time it will be easy for them to walk over you again because you gave in this time.

Book tickets for something for you and the other Dcs. Tell DH there is no ticket for DSS because he won't be there. Then he'll have to do something.

Somehow - You saying you will do it this once but never again paints you as the difficult selfish one rather than the generous one putting DSS first.

Somehow - it paints a picture of the DM having her life made more difficult by her ex's DP.

Not sure why but a short sharp no, and handing the prob back to your DP and the ex seems the better idea.

Somehow - You saying you will do it this once but never again paints you as the difficult selfish one rather than the generous one putting DSS first. Somehow - it paints a picture of the DM having her life made more difficult by her ex's DP.

Scoobydoo8 - I don't follow? When I say 'there can't be a next time' I mean in the sense that when ex decides to go away whether it is work or pleasure next time that she needs to make sure that DH is at home and not assume (because she knows I can't go away so easily due to the children) that I will be 'holding the fort' and therefore it is OK for DSS to stay with me - regardless of my own work commitments.

I don't think that is difficult or selfish of me - just asking for common sense to prevail...

Sorry, didn't mean it as a criticism of you. Just imagined the Dex saying 'ZaZa never wants to look after DS again when I'm away' or similar. Which makes you the baddy, her the put upon parent.

I didn't explain it well.

If she gets the message clearly that this is a once only and DH must be home in future then that is fine.

I am on your side here.

Thanks for explaining Scoobydoo8 and for being on my side :) It's a minefield this step parenting journey!