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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Can you resolve the situation where the step-parent doesn't love your child as much as you do?

45 replies

Tinker · 05/05/2004 22:25

Sorry, I know this has been covered before but wanted to start a new thread.

Have had a few 'discussions' over the last few weeks with my boyfriend where this has cropped up. Prior to me meeting him, I would have always argued that you can't possibly expect step-parents to love a child in the same way that the natural parent does. But, as long as they act as though they do does it really matter?

But, I don't feel like that now. I can't understand (because my daughter is the centre of my universe) why he can't love her as much as I do - although, rationally, of course I can.

How have others coped with this if it's cropped up? Is this relationship doomed?

OP posts:

tammybear · 05/05/2004 23:22

lol at ur dd bless her!

i get that feeling sometimes, as dp seems to sometimes add to my problems, rather than trying to help me sort them out

aloha · 05/05/2004 23:37

Tinker - sorry, I couldn't remember your exact situation. I do believe familiarity is more likely to breed love than contempt and there is something about all living together than makes you closer. Do discuss stuff like discipline (eg maybe leave it to you for the time being) but agree, he sounds a good man. Stop pushing the poor bloke on his feelings - he doesn't know he'd love his own child more yet - he hasn't got one! Remember where this sort of thing got King Lear? Seriously, if he acts as if he loves her and treats her well, you really can't ask for more. You wouldn't keep asking a natural parent which child they loved most - that sort of things only leads to tears before bedtime. Let things evolve naturally. Trust your instincts. And if you want another baby, have one. How old are you anyway?

Original poster

Tinker · 05/05/2004 23:41

Cheers aloha. It's the usual female sin of "What are you thinking about?" 40 this year - have to get a move on

OP posts:

prufrock · 06/05/2004 11:54

Tinker, my stepmum "got" me when I was 4. She had her first biological child when I was 7. She has told me that she used to worry that she didn't love me properly before she had my little brother, because sometimes she didn't like me, ad sometimes didn't want me around, and sometimes got really angry with me. It wasn't until she had her "own" child that she realised that she felt the same things about him sometimes. So I think he might love her as much as he would his own, but just doesn't realise it yet.
(And are you really 40?)

beansprout · 06/05/2004 13:34

I am a stepmom and dsd is now 16 (I have been around for 4.5 years). We all accept that her parents are her parents and I have a different role, that of dad's partner. While there have been (and continue to be) difficulties (as well as great bits) in all of the relationships, I have never tried to be something I am not, i.e. her mum. As a result we have a different and separate relationship/friendship that doesn't threaten anyone else and is clear on its own terms (most of the time).

Of course I still have had the odd "you are not my mum" but I always say that I am not trying to be. Dp's expectations of me have been key in all of this and he has allowed us to develop our own relationship and does not have an idea of how I "should" be. It can still be hard, but I think we do ok.

sis · 06/05/2004 14:16

Tinker, no experience of your situation but just wanted to say that the advice given so far seems spot on - I am sure your boyfriend loves your daughter but 'differently' to how you love her. Also, surely you are setting yourself up for disappointment if you try and measure and compare how much you love her versus how much he loves her versus how much he would love his (yet unborn) child.

It sounds like you have a good thing going - don't pick holes!
sis

BTW, what happened about his new job?

Original poster

Tinker · 06/05/2004 14:31

Thanks everyone. Yes, I do have tendency to over analyse and pick holes. But it hurts doesn't it when someone can't see your child for the bundle of perfection that you do Prufrock - that's very reassuring, thanks. (Yes, 40 this year. Why do ask? Because I sound so immature? )

sis - he got it and no problems re that issue so far. Thanks for asking.

beansprout - think you've hit the nail on the head in a way. He's my partner but I'm expecting him to be her dad I suppose. If her dad was around properly it'd be more clearcut.

OP posts:

SofiaAmes · 06/05/2004 23:05

tinker, could i suggest that you and dp go and see a family counsellor. It sounds like you really love each other and you both love your daughter. You just need a way to express that to each other so that neither of you if feeling bad about it. Sometimes without an outside "mediator" you can discuss until you're blue the face without really covering the crux of the matter. Don't forget that although your dd's father is not around much, he still exists and will always prevent your dp from having a complete relationship with her. That doesn't mean that he can't have a beautiful loving relationship, it just means that he can't totally take over the roll of father.

tigermoth · 07/05/2004 11:07

tinker, you have been given some really thoughful advice and I know I would feel just like you about this.

The messages here have made me think about my own situation (big age gap between 2 sons, and my dh taking longer to bond with our youngest son). I particularly like the idea that your dp may not realise how much he loves your dd until he has a child of his own.

MY dh had a different early relationship with my oldest and youngest ds and we are still ironing out the creases. dh was a SAHD for much of my older son's toddlerhood, while I took over this role with my younger ds. This has lead to me thinking at times that dh is not treating my younger son in the same way I would. I think the age gap has highlighted this. But dh is increasingly enjoying being with the youngest son. It's getting much better (remember my spitalfields thread?). I know dh is not a toddler person and really bent over backwards to be a SAHD the first time round - and he said 'never again' and that's fair enough. He's much more into older children. You never know, your partner could be the same. I'm saying in a rambling way that all sorts of differences in attitude might show themselves, whether you have natural or step parents, though I can see that step parenting raises issues of its own.

Dreams · 07/05/2004 15:57

My dp has a son of 6 but he lives with his mother and we don't get to seem him very often. We also have our own son who is now 20 months.I do love my dp's son to bits but i love him in a different kind of way that i love our son. It is very hard to take on someone elses child i believe!
If he lived with us i would not treat him any different to my own son i would always be equal but there is always that love for my own son that would be different.
At first when i met my dp i found it very hard to except the fact he had another child and it did seem to put a little strane on our relationship but then i started getting very close to him as its me that looks after him when he comes to stay as dp works.
I think both me and dp'd son had barriers up when we first met me because i did not want to let myself get really close until i new me and dp were in a very strong relationship and i think he did because his mum has men in out all the time and he does not know if people are here to stay and how they are going to treat him.
It was ver4y hard for me at first but now 3 years down the line i would not change him for the world he is a very adorable little boy and i give him all the love he deserves.

Your dh will probably love his own child not more but it will be a different kind of love ! hopefully he will treat them the same and give them all the love a child deserves.
Its a hard situation but you will get there in the end!

littlemissbossy · 07/05/2004 16:28

I have 2 dss's aged 10 and 13 and have been their "mum" for as long as they can both remember (their "mummy" as we call her died when dss2 was baby/dss1 was toddler). When I moved in with them all I was completely thrown in at the deep end having no children of my own/experience of young children, but soon got into the swing of things. I have brought them up as my own, cared for them when they've been ill, done the whole mum role at school, taxied them everywhere, cooked tea for hundreds of friends, baked for cub camps etc,etc!! If you had asked me this question before I had a child of my own I would have said of course I love them just the same. I can remember feeling very offended by my sil who made a comment like this years ago and I told her so!! However, now I have my ds aged 3, I have to admit that I do not love them as much as him, simply because there is no real motherly attachement with them. Over the years I tried desperately to fill the void that they obviously felt with their real mum not been around and although in many ways I succeeded in doing so, I have gradually accepted that no matter how much effort you put into the relationship I have with them, they will never really be mine nor will I really be theirs. Do you know what I mean?
As far as the boys are concerned I love them all the same, they get the same things both in material terms and attention. It is not easy to take on someone elses children but it's a decision I made, that I've stood by and that I've been happy to do. In some ways I've been able to show everyone (particularly their mummy's family who from the start of our relationship have waited for me to fall flat on my face!) that this situation can, and does work. It just takes time.

eddm · 07/05/2004 16:47

No experience of my own and sounds like you've got loads of good advice. But my uncle did take on my aunt's first ds. Biological dad real waste of space and largely absent. My uncle did become nephew's dad (had no children of his own) and then they had a second ds. Uncle does treat them and love them both the same - when dn1 was around 10 he decided he wanted the same surname. Hadn't been an issue until then as school used uncle's name but nasty doc's receptionist insisted on using official surname. Uncle was delighted, really overwhelmed by the compliment. What I'm trying to say, in a roundabout way, is that it can work. Uncle found it hard at first as no experience of being a father (and quite young, too) but for years now he has been dn1's dad, no argument. Everyone is really happy and dn1 and uncle love each other dearly. I hope, as others have said, that if your partner has a child with you, he'll realise how much he loves your dd and the new baby.

Momof2 · 07/05/2004 16:57

I have Dsd who is 6 months younger than DD, she lives with her Mum and her DP and her new baby sister - who my DD refers to as her sister too.
DP treats them both identically - but sometimes is more physically loving to his DD, but I think this is because she is a more affectionate child. It is really hard being a step parent, because it is a different type of love, DD loves me unconditionally and DsD doesn't have to so I find that I work harder with our relationship.
DsD spends one evening every week with us and every other weekend, but we do have a very very good relationship with her Mum's household and are fairly relaxed about everything - my DD often goes to DsD's house to play in the hols or after school.
The main difference is that I tell DsD that I am not Mummy, but her best friend, whereas DD refers to DP as Dad. DD also has regular contact with her own father.

On the other hand we have had instances recently where DD has accused me of loving DsD more, usually if I have told her off for something, and DsD is not happy about DD referring to HER father as Dad, but it is all wrinkles that slowly get ironed out.
Sorry think I am rambling a bit!

carla · 07/05/2004 17:53

Tinker, this is one of the many threads I can't read, but you have my biggest hugs.

Original poster

Tinker · 07/05/2004 18:50

Thank you all so much, really lovely thoughtful responses. I admire anyone who becomes a step- parent because I really don't know if I could do it - and that's after having a child. So I guess I'm being pretty harsh on him. He has said that that was the first real challenge he's had to deal with (she's playing out in the street more now and answering back a lot, more slamming doors and stomping off). I'm very encouraged by all these stories of how it can work out and he's committed to us so it's not all doom.

carla - sorry if this is not a good thread for you, thanks for your good wishes. x

OP posts:

aloha · 10/05/2004 09:02

Tinker, my BIL (my dh's brother) has two stepdaughters with his wife. He also has a biological son with his previous wife. I can honestly say he is MUCH closer to his stepdaughters, probably because they lived with him while his son didn't. That's what I mean really about the living together stuff - IMO it makes a huge difference both ways. I am sure there were tricky patches at first - he's not a 'natural' father particularly - but the girls (who have no contact with their own bio dad who was violent) regard him totally as their dad, and he walked one of the girls up the aisle at her wedding and in her speech she said how she regarded him as her father and loved him. The other daughter has two children and he definitely regards himself as their grandad. Remember, this is a long-haul thing! I do agree with Mumof2 that you do have to remember that at least at first, the unconditional love thing goes both ways - a stepchild often doesn't love you in quite the same way as your natural child but that can be absolutely OK too.

Galaxy · 10/05/2004 17:23

message withdrawn

Original poster

Tinker · 10/05/2004 19:13

Galaxy and Aloha - thanks for your posts, appreciate the comments. It's the old 'blood is thicker than water' thing really but it doesn't have to be too much thicker - if that makes sense. I have to say she has gained some very, very affectionate 'grandparents' who love to spoil her - previously it was just my mum

OP posts:

Galaxy · 10/05/2004 20:36

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Piffleoffagus · 10/05/2004 20:42

Galaxy, I am feeling the same way about my ds and is my child! I think it is the impact of the age gap and at 10/11 they kind of fend for themselves because they can.
And Tinker you have valid worries, it is all about talk talk talk... best of luck, hope you get what you really really want

xx kiwi

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