Partner doesn't want to marry for a second time. Help!

[K888]

Advice needed!

I'm not sure whether to stick around, I feel like second best all the time.

OH is still not divorced - something he promised he would do years ago. She still uses his second name and lives in a house that she paid for.

She never worked while they were married, she treated him like a doormat. Yet I have contributed financially and looked after their daughters more than either of them! In his will he names his children as sole beneficiaries but not me at all. If he died tomorrow me and our baby would not have a roof over our heads.

I've lived with OH for 5 years. He has 4 SDs. We have a son together who is 2. (I have another son 12).

It has all come to a head and I am thinking of just backing off.

Hating?

Your partner's ex sounds like me!

I'm still married to stbxh. Why? He left me so he can start the divorce. No other reason. He hasn't yet even though living with OW for 3 years. I'm not stopping h divorcing me.

I'm still in family home. I indirectly paid for 50% of it be forfeiting my career so that he could advance his and I looked after the home and kids.

I'm still on his life insurance at work - why? Because he can't be arsed to take me off it.

If I lived with someone my savings etc will be going to my kids.

When I do divorce I will be keeping my surname. I've had it longer now than my maiden name and it is my kids name. Hard luck on that one. You don't get lent a husbands surname.

I'm short your partner has enabled this situation. Look at what he is not doing. And accept it or move on.

No one is "hating" you OP. People are being very direct in pointing out that you have misplaced your anger/blame. You are in the situation you are in, because of decisions YOU have made, not his ex wife! Now YOU need to make some more decisions to change the situation. It isnt a good one to be in, and a wise woman would put steps in place to rectify it for her own future security and that of her DCs. It really is better if you can open your eyes and see this situation as it is rather than pointing fingers and playing the blame game. It is what it is, now what do you need to do to get into the position you need to be in?

And just to add about the 'poor man' thing.

My partner has never said anything untoward about his ex. Ever. He wanted to leave his wife, she wanted him to stay.

It was my partners family who told me that he was treated like a complete doormat. I never moaned to them at all, it was completely unsolicited. His wife laughingly told me how she just let him do everything around the house. She was also really cross and made a point of telling me when a friend of his jokingly called me and my partner 'Mr and Mrs' not realising she was there.

SurlyCue - those are pretty good points.

I think the weight of his baggage has got heavier because we haven't got strong ourselves. I do need to focus on him and me.

"It was my partners family who told me that he was treated like a complete doormat."

Well, whatever - I guess they weren't there either during the night feeds.

But anyway, what has all this got to do with anything? Her being cross because your friend referred to you as 'Mr and Mrs' - so what?

Tell him he's got two months to commence divorce proceedings, as he agreed when you moved in, or you're moving out.

What else can you do?

no-one is "hating" you op, but your partner does sound like a bit of an arse. So he moved out but didn't file for divorce from his ex. why not? He moved in with you on the basis of a lot of empty promises about divorcing his ex, yet he hadn't bothered for the preceeding five years. I understand that love is blind in that first rush etc, but tbh a man who was still married five years after splitting from his ex would ring alarm bells for most people.

And his family were hardly going to side with the ex, families rarely do. She may be a saint or she may be the bitch from hell, tbh that is largely irrelevant, the only thing that is relevant here is the fact that you have a child with a man who is still married to someone else, and you have no rights with regard to your home etc should you either split or in the event of his death.

You need to start looking out for you and your child. Give him an ultimatum that he either divorces his wife now or it's over. He has deceived you into moving in with him with his empty promises. It's time for you to take control now.

YOu seem to be concentrating on unimportant things (in the greater scheme) eg stuff about the ex. You DP chose to marry her, or are you convinced she did the chasing? - then in that case what a gullible numpty he is! He was treated like a complete doormat Oh, boohoo, poor wee pet.

Why land yourself with this pathetic wimp - as that is what you make him sound like, being controlled by his ex still.

He sound selfish and you say you have cared for his daughters more than either of them??? Really, you shouldn't do these things for this uncaring pair unless you can accept that there will be no thanks and your wellbeing is bottom of the pile.

Well, best advice, as you sound quite young, is ltb!

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post. I do appreciate it.

Okay - have taken on board stuff about second name - will step back from that. And also will really try to step back from ex - I think it just got pent up in me without realising it. Whatever happened in the past is not to do with me.

I got my partner to move out of the house for a while - he's staying with a friend until we can sort all of this out. We agreed to have some honest conversations and see about our future. I'm prepared to call it all off if we can't get more secure financially and emotionally, and if he doesn't want to divorce his wife I won't stay with him

Thanks again all.

If you cohabit with a man, and have his child, while he's either not married to you and/or still married to someone else, then you've rather cashed in all your bargaining chips - and as my Grandmother would say, he won't buy the goat when he gets the milk for free (or something like that)!

OP - I'm not likening you to goat, I promise, but I totally see your predicament and think you're wise to make him move out til you can get some sort of resolution.

Petal02 - Goat? Ha Ha. Thanks for your response.

Yes I should have taken more time.

My aunt says that is why marriage existed in the first place - with no sex before marriage - why would someone give you financial security and exclusivity when they didn't have to!

I sympathise with you. You are in a relationship with a man you love and want full commitment with. He led you to believe he would give it to you, but he is not making the ultimate move.

You say you've given him time, and that's fair enough, but now time is expiring. What are you doing now to start making him make decision? Are you confronting him? Are you asking him why he hasn't processed the divorce, why it doesn't bother him that he is still legally married to her, why he didn't feel the need to include you in his will?

It's all well to moan about it, but nothing is going to happen unless you start making it clear to him that you are not accepting the situation any longer and you consider you have given him enough time now. He should understand how you feel and do something about it. If instead he gets defensive, comes up with excuses, or turn the situation around to make you feel that you are unreasonable, I would start questioning the future of your relationship.

itwillgetbettersoon - summed it up in a nutshell from the EX POV. I could not have put it better are we married to the same useless bastard!

Oh and by the way, the EX is living in a house with his 4 DCs, that he partly paid for.

Let's be honest your DP is a wanker.

He left his wife, with 4 kids - of course she got the house.
He has not divorced her, changed anything done anything because he can not be arsed - nothing to do with his Ex. his problem he sorts it out.

He has had another DC with you - no commitment, no effort etc etc etc. He has left you looking after his DCs and got free child care.

Stop blaming the EX who was probably not stroking his ego enough whilst looking after 4 kids and if he was at work all day, she was working hard.

Your EX needs to start taking responsibility for his propensity to procreate and his lazy attitude.

This is not hate, but direct your anger at the right person, feckless DP.

Mrs X - because I have been that for 18 yrs, it is easier for the DCS, I do not get stopped at passport control, it costs a bloody fortune to change your name on everything again and again and yes I know it pissses his DP off and I do not give a rats arse about her feelings -she can the second Mrs T but I am not confusing my DCs because of her insecurities. Have heard all your arguments from his DP - via facebook none of her sodding business and changing my name will not help me move on. I did that ages ago.

Quesera21 and itwillgetbettersoon - maybe we are all talking about the same man!!

Ha ha! A lot of people are just lazy and expect others to do everything for them. With my ex I did everything, sorted all bills, holidays, text etc etc. I refuse to help him in his new life. And in a funny way it amuses me that it must piss the OW off - but then she only had to ask and I would have told her that he was a selfish lazy arse!!

I still have my ex husbands name after 13 years since separation.

I see it as mine and my sons name, not my ex husbands. He just happens to have the same name as us.

I wouldn't be worried about the lack of marriage but I would be worried about him not getting divorced.

I took a few years to finally divorce my ex. I knew it would stir up some difficulties. Maybe your dp is worried about the implications of getting s divorce? But the longer he leaves it, the worse it will be.