I'm raising my step son. But I can't stand him.

[Mommyusedtobecool]

Where do I start?!
I have 7 children in total. 3 sons are from a previous marriage 2 (a boy and girl) are my step children and 2 are my youngest from my new partner.
My step children live with me full time.
Their mother has had nothing to do with them since they were 3 and 4 years old.
They are now 9 and 10.
I have been in their lives since they were 5 and 6.
However, in the very beginning, my step son, the older of the 2 was extremely violent towards my own children.
He would spit in their faces, straighten paper clips to stab them, generally attack them if they disagreed with anything and sabotage their things. Even their bunk beds base, so they would fall through.
He is roughly the same age as the youngest of my 3 sons.
My children can have their annoying moments sometimes, But because their father and I raised them to be considerate to others and we were both quite soft natured - so are my 3 boys.
After this initial encounter and the lack of understanding from my new partner, and other issues we didn't try to merge the two families, (living together) until we had a child together and she was a year and a half.
Now my step sons behaviour has improved
He's not fraction as impulsively violent as he was. And hes getting into the routine of family life.
But He still has moments where he threatens his sister and step brothers and even my 2 year old and he can still be very manipulative and also sadistic in his threats.
He is the only child I have never been hard on because he seems so complex. I have told him off a few times and he always bursts into tears immediately even though he knows I'm just going to talk to him calmly about his behaviour. But it doesn't seem to change his selfish and spiteful nature. He's obnoxious and defiant to me and my family, even though theyre so warm to him and we've made the effort to be the constance in his life.
Ive lost sleep and stressed so much about him and what's going on in his head.
I want to be able to hug him and be close because I think he might be craving that from me. But his behaviour and his constant need to dominate my entire focus makes me resent him instead.
His dad/my partner is quite nonchalant. He doesn't really engage with his own children, or mine, only with our babies. So the burden of dealing with the issues of 5 children from 2 failed marriages is entirely down to me.
I imagine my own children having the life my stepson had and not having the love of their mummy and it makes me understand why he is the way he is and I weep inside, that's the only way I can consciously make the effort to give him the closeness kids need. And although he can have a few moments now, when he's quite funny and charming, I don't feel the natural compulsion to like him. I feel awkward in his company. I feel so wicked. But I think most his siblings do too.
One of my sons and he really don't get along, so my son (who is a year older than him) will avoid him and stay in his room the whole time. And he has also been referred to a paediatrician due to extreme headaches brought on by the stress.
I have to fight the feeling that I just don't like my step son and the affect he's had on family life.

Kids have their moments. I don't know if I make him out to be worse than he is in my mind by over- analysing all his behaviour, instead of just dealing with him in the same manner as I do his sister and my own boys.
But he's always expected and received preferential treatment from my inlaws as their first and only grandson and I think that over compensation may have led to his bratty behaviour.
I don't like him but at the same time, I put myself in his shoes and feel so sorry for him.

I want to access counselling for my dsc now. My Dp is in denial that he has a problem. Even though he has himself secretly witnessed his son bullying our 2yo daughter. He thinks it's just his personality that makes him like this!
I don't think I will have him on-board and I don't have parental rights over my step son. But I'm going to pursue this and see how far I can get.

Spoke to the school and they seemed very helpful. I was advised that CAMHS usually do more cbt which I think could be good for him.
But I have to get his dad on board. - Brick wall!
Spoke to my sil - the only inlaw I have contact with. And she dismissed that he might be having any mummy related issues. And her response seemed to suggest the have actually all convinced themselves mil was more of a mother.
Like Wtf?!??!!!
I don't ever actually want to meet this mil now. From what I've heard, Sounds like she pushed the mother out of the picture herself.
dp family are so fucked up.
I have a headache now, as feels like with the best intention for this kid, I still won't get anywhere.

Oh Mommy that is going to be the hard bit, getting your dp on side, have you thought about going to see your gp and getting him/her to outline the facts of the effects of sibling abuse? Maybe a chat with ss to see what they could suggest?

So does no one other than your DP have parental rights for these 2 lost children? That's a bit of a risk, surely?

Yes. Dp has total parental rights.
And their birth mother has the automatic right to 50/50 custody if she reappears.
But she hasn't made contact for several years.
Dp isn't abusive or neglectful in most senses. He's fed them and clothed them when he had them on his own. And I think they may have been quite close before our families blended, I'm not sure..
But he does tend to ignore his ds alot.
I don't know if that's because he doesn't know what to do with kids or if he's being lazy and leaving it all to me, or if he finds ds high maintenance and attention seeking. (he does tend to want ppls entire attention all the time. He doesn't let others get a look in and that can get extremely exhausting and lead one to just switch off after a while)
The hard part is, dp and family are denying this kid has any issues at all and getting quite defensive if I approach the subject.

When I spoke to the teacher she was extremely understanding and helpful with her advice. She basically said what I knew all along. This boy is insecure and needs to form an attachment. And wants me to be that attachment. Hence the following me around absolutely everywhere and acting out with his siblings and step siblings from jealousy.
The hard part is that when I do give him attention, he doesn't want to let go of that spot light, he doesn't want to share. And it doesn't make him any kinder to the other children eirher. He's smug and obnoxious and wants to try to make them all feel as jealous as he feels inside.
Which doesn't help the balance I'm trying to keep.
He's said many times he wishes he was the only child, then he'd have everyone's stuff (and also the full attention of me and his dad.) He finds it hard with other children.

His dad needs to start doing stuff with him - take him fishing, go on a bike ride, go to a museum, take him to the library on his own to choose a book, go camping overnight (can do this free if you wild camp). They can fix up an old bike together, or set up the garage as a workshop, do some cooking together (maybe make pizzas for everyone?) etc.

I think that would solve a lot of the issues.

His father needs to step up. God. what an idiot. Leaving it all to you? he needs to spent one to one time with his dad - that should make him feel more settled and attached.

Absolutely. If Dad would parent that one child, you could manage the other 6 no problem.

I would suggest that you get MNHQ to amend your title, as "can't stand him" is very hard on yourself considering how hard you are trying to care for this child. But a slightly goady title might helo bring in lots of advice, so maybe lave it.

He's very lucky to have you as his stepmum

Totally agree that his Dad needs to start taking an active and positive role in parenting his son. It's outrageous that you are left to deal with him but with your hands pretty much tied - and it's just so bloody sad that he is in this situation, despite your best efforts.

One person can't do this alone - he's been let down by both his own parents and that's not on. :(

I totally agree with you all! His dad is one if those guys that stares at his phone/laptop for hours after work. Only lifting his head occasionally to say a couple words.
The kids tell me their grandmother used to have huge arguments with him about switching off like this.
Apparently she took care of them and he would either lock himself away in his room for entire days, or be out with his mates.
(I hear you all ask 'then wtf am I doing with him? I'm wondering the same!! But I've already had one messy divorce and although we're not married there would be so many damaged little people as a result)
He has changed since those days, but now he's a total recluse instead because he has no friends here.
He used to be a footballer, now he doesn't do much that involves straying too far from the sofa! Without me taking the entire family out, and he'll moan sometimes too like a kid! Feel like I'm his carer too :/!
It's a huge turn off believe me.
I dispersed the other kids in different places a couple weekends ago and took the girls to a birthday party.
So it was just he and DS and the kid was really excited to have him all to himself.
So what did he do?
I n a decent many of the suggestions you made melonfool.. And instead he got the xbox out and they were both disengaged on that for hours.
Which totally undermined me.
I was fuming. Because not only.was that wasting an opportunity

But it's lazy parenting too! And DSS and the other children had been collectively banned from playing the xbox specifically because of dss violent outbursts due to xbox related spats. So now, infact he was the only one getting the privilege of playing it.

Copy this thread and email it to him.
At least he will be looking at something useful on his laptop...

He's not "one of those guys who..." - he an arse who is making selfish decisions that are causing his children to be neglected.

He needs a rocket up his backside, poor kids! and poor you! What a selfish git

Do you think that writing a lengthy email to him to read would help? You could mention that you are in touch with the school and that you will talk to your gp about his lazy parenting and how it effects his ds, you and the other children. A meeting with you both and professional people may kick him out of his ambivalence.

My step brother was almost exactly as you describe , all of it. He had a somewhat troubled adolescence, but in the end turned out happy and fine, has a good job, friends, a wife.
Your stepson isn't a psychopath, he is 10, and abandoned twice over.
Same with my step brother (who I hated as a child by the way so I do understand your issue)
Obviously, the problem is your step son's bio parents, but the fact that you chose to have not one but two more children with the fuck wit that is your husband doesn't exactly cover you in glory, frankly.
Even my variety of parents, as self absorbed, deluded and unrealistic as they were didn't add more children to the mix!
I realise it's pointless to say that, so sorry, it just annoyed me.
I think you need the support of mental health services, and try and get some outside influence on your husband, to try and get him to see that he is not only being passive about his older children, but actively sabotaging any chance you all have to be a functional family.

I have to say, I really feel for you in this situation, but I also have to ask...why are you still in it? Frankly, you appear to be putting more than your fair share in, but getting nothing out of it! If you stay in a thankless and unhappy relationship, it can do more damage than walking away....but only you can decide!

What a hopeless situation! I feel as much for you as I do him. Unfortunately, it sounds like there are a number of compounding circumstances that means that this child needs more attention than the average child his age.

For one, his mother not being around, then his dad showing no attention, then he found you but you now have to give more attention to younger siblings and then to make it worse, it sounds like he is extemely bright, which means that he will process how he feels even more vividly and need a lot of stimulation.

I think the issue is that he is the type of child who would have done brilliantly as an only child. Instead he has 6 siblings, a parent not around, one disinterested, and one trying her best but getting frustrated. He is desperate for attention and stimulation.

Unfortunately, I have no idea who you can move forward, but maybe trying to give him a bit more time for just you and him. The problem is that you might not want to and you should feel oblige to.

I do think counselling is probably the only positive way forward.

I really appreciate All your points.
And to be honest I do really think life would be easier as a single parent raising just my own.. I even fantasise about it sometimes.. But then I would have to live with the consequences of being another adult that abandoned these kids. It would be on my conscience. And they'd still be in our lives because they'd have contact with their half siblings. And then I'd have to consider the objectionable factor of the greater influence of my f**ked up inlaws that would fill my vacuum and become a part of my own kids lives too. Because my Dp would definitely rely on their support.
And with regards to having two more. It might seem wreckers to some.
But my step kids weren't living with me when I became pregnant, and it's only really because I have them, that i feel obliged to take care of their half siblings if I didn't have these two I would have walked at some point, having tried, without feeling any guilt.
We are a family. And all the children feel that way. They have their struggles as all families big or small do. And DSS I admit
Does challenge me the most.
It helps, even being able to voice it on here, to be able to say 'gaaah I just can't stand this child right now!' without being judged, or hurting the people who matter.
I am comforted to hear that people have had similar step siblings that turned out to be just happy and fine..
And also yes

Swingofthings your observation is on point!
He is incredibly intelligent and a constantly curious mind.. And he does need constant stimulation which may be hard to get. .
He may have been better suited to being an only child. But I don't think he would have learnt to be kind or considerate, he would have been quite spoilt. Although that's what he really wants. It's not what I think he needs.. I hope atleast I can teach him some social skills .. I think he is learning slowly, so it's not totally hopeless. And hes not neglected by me, although there are alot of kids here, it can be a blessing sometimes.. There's always someone to ay with, if adults are bored, or someone older to get advice from, someone that has your back..
And I makesure they each have clubs and time to talk.

Forgive me if my writing seems disjointed and badly written with spelling mistakes, I'm writing it on my phone, pausing to deal with children :) hope you can still get the just of it.

It the commitment I've made to his children and being reminded of this by my own parents, that keeps me here.

How can you put your own children through this?

You're so full of your own importance and wish to help this child that you are allowing your own 3 sons to have a shit childhood living with a horrible, lazy man and a child they are (rightly) afraid of.

You have five children of your own.

You should never have put your sons through any of this. It's appalling.

Get them out of this awful situation.

Sorry, but you have abandoned them. And introduced two more children into this pisstake of a family.

My own importance? Sorry, but You don't know me to be fair.
And I'm not going to be offended, because you don't know me at all and maybe we don't have the same values!
My family isn't perfect. But Its by no means a piss take.
Shit happens and life isn't perfect. But I'm extremely proud of my children.
Yeah, I have regrets as a parent. Some of them are huge.
But I've also been a single parent for several years and my boys and I have a bond and an understanding. And the bottom line is they know I'm flawed and maybe, like any parent that enters a new relationship I have been naiive.
But they also know they are my main concerns. Ive always spoken to them and valued their thoughts and feelings and still do.
Ive said alot on here. But that doesn't mean you know everything about me, my family, or our circumstances.
I'm a mother. I do alot. And sometimes I moan or vent. I'm not trying to be a martyr or make my own children suffer.

If your own children are your main concern then get them away from this awful home you have inflicted on them.

Your boyfriend's son is not your responsibility.

This situation is damaging your children and you are planning to leave them in it so you can rescue another child you are not related to and have no legal or moral responsibility for.

Wow bathtime your posts sound so supportive and helpful

Op I really feel for you, rock and hard place. I hope that you can find some help and support with this issue. Your partner really needs to open his eyes and get his head from out of his arse. You do sound as though you have the entire families weight on your shoulders.