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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Money????!!!!!!!

39 replies

den1se10 · 21/05/2015 16:38

My partner has been divorced for approx 16 years, he has two grown up children.
Since the split with his ex-wife, he's always been, in my opinion very fair with money. He gave the house to his wife - there was a mortgage but a small one and has always paid maintenance.
His ex-wife has always worked too...in fact it was my partners mum who provided childcare. So there's been no real financial struggles.
The relationship is pretty good despite the split although my partner has always felt a lot of guilt about leaving.

I would add here - we've been together for 6/7 years and i was nothing to do with the break up.

I'm now finding things hard because my partner is still paying and I think it needs to be looked at.
I respect his choices but actually feel this is becoming very unfair to him.

One "child" is 23 was due to graduate this year - they have now decided to work abroad for 12 months, this is connected to their studies. My partner's been told by his ex-wife that it's only fair for him to continue to pay support. He's done this through her studies as she said she can't work and study, although she has done some casual work.
His other "child" (25)completed their degree but then said they wanted to study medicine, as it was a 2nd degree, costs have been enormous and again, he's supported her throughout.

What's upset me is that he pays the support to "mum" for both and she diverts a lot to the child studying medicine, when his daughter came to stay, I actually had to buy her some clothes as she had no proper coat etc.

I love the fact he cares and wants to do the right thing...he doesn't earn a lot, in fact he has a second job to help pay for this. He's giving his ex wife £500 per month.

I'd really welcome some thoughts on this because I'm feeling unreasonable in saying enough is enough

OP posts:

GemmaTeller · 22/05/2015 21:11

When DSD went to live at uni at 18, DH told his ex the monthly money would transfer directly to DSD and told DSD under no circumstances was she to give any of the money to her mum (who predictably did tell DSD she had to give her the money even though DSD was no longer living with her).

We gave DSD the money monthly (plus other top ups) and paid her mobile phone bill till she left uni and started working.

yellowdaisies · 22/05/2015 21:50

It'll go on for as long as he lets it I would guess. Until he decides his obligations are to his DDs rather than his ex

Melonfool · 23/05/2015 00:51

Presumably we are 100% sure this is just (what is known as) child maintenance and he's not liable for ongoing spousal maintenance?

olgaga · 23/05/2015 10:32

Why don't you ask your partner how long this will go on?

Presumably you have worked out your own joint financial commitments. Is it that you feel overburdened by additional financial demands yourself, and that he should be contributing more to your living costs as a couple?

tribpot · 23/05/2015 10:38

Seems extremely unfair to the dd who isn't a medical student. I imagine your DP would rather the money was more fairly split between them - which he can achieve by giving the money direct to them. And by the same token, they can negotiate direct with him about his continued support, they don't need the mum to intervene. It makes sense for both parents to be clear about the level of funding they're providing with the other (so that there's no miscommunication about what funds are being given) but no need for them to negotiate.

PandaMummyofOne · 23/05/2015 10:44

Is it possible to stop paying the exW and give the money directly to your DP's children? (Sorry if this had been asked before)

At their ages I think it's fair to say this needs reassessing.

Letitgoletitgo · 23/05/2015 12:20

They are adults and he has no legal responsibility to pay maintenence to them. However, obviously it is lovely to be able to support your children - when you can, not so you have to have a second job to do it when they could also be working and earning?! If the relationship with his ex is amicable, he should have a discussion with her about reducing amounts as well as paying directly to his dcs.

Akire · 23/05/2015 12:30

Sounds like could go on for ever! If the 23y old comes back after year out decides wants 2nd degree then? Or if takes a year or two to get a job will he be expected to pay?

Definitely stop paying mum offer pay directly for rent phone bill etc. is the mum paying them also £250 month each? So that's £500 month to live on quite a lot of also taking out loans and grants.

Akire · 23/05/2015 12:36

Good time if one is going abroad to stop paying mum and maybe suggest you will pay their travel or phone costs when away. That way still supporting them but they getting it directly.
Is the medical student nearly finished so that will end pretty soon?

newstart15 · 24/05/2015 08:28

I have anot older dc and still support them at times so I understand the dad's motivation.

I think the suggestions about paying for specifics is a good idea, rent or food allowance.Would he consider this?
How old is your DP? Does he pay into a pension as he does needs to ensure he is looking after his future.It's is easier to be poor and young, than poor and old.

Have you discussed this? I suspect he just needs to have a rethink and be told it's okay to do something different.He sounds like a good man.

Original poster

den1se10 · 24/05/2015 15:36

Again - a huge thanks for all the responses to this. We have a really good relationship, this is the only thing that we disagree on.
I have one son and he's always been independent...when he studied, I helped but he actually worked p/t. Neither of my partners will. This is encouraged by his ex who just repeats adnauseum "but they are studying". I just have visions of it being endless!!
Yesterday his youngest said she may go on to do a master's....
We do manage financially. We don't have a lot but it's ok. I do worry about him because he's not getting any younger and as I said, I really do feel that it's all a play on the guilt he feels...he's just one of those people!!
It's just an issue I think we'll always disagree on.

OP posts:

tribpot · 25/05/2015 07:49

At some point they have to take responsibility for their choices - if they want to do a postgraduate degree, that's up to them. But they need to fund it themselves. His ex-wife's opinion that they shouldn't work whilst they're studying is up to her - it sounds like she is reasonably well off and can fund them if she chooses.

He does need to take a serious look at his own pension planning, or your retirement is going to be overshadowed by his unwillingness to stand up to the guilt card.

rosepetalsoup · 25/05/2015 15:26

What a racket!

Ugh, I'd hate to be tapping up my exH for money half a decade after the kids had left home. How pathetic.

ExW needs to be cut off move on.

madamtremain · 25/05/2015 15:32

Pay the money directly to the kids, if he feels he wants to. If he doesn't then he shouldn't but Jesus Christ don't give it to the mum to divert to the kids as she sees fit. Bonkers.

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