Husband pressurising me to spend time with his ex on dsd birthday

[Mariejen26]

Hello,
I'm new to this site but desperately need an outlet.
Next sunday is my dsd 10th birthday ( my birthday is the day after hers!). It would normally be her mum's weekend to have her. On the Saturday her mum is having a tea party with all of her family and some of dsd friends at her house. Not sure if we were invited or not but DH wouldn't go anyway as when I mentioned it he said his ex's brother would be there who he doesn't get on with. He then said that his ex had mentioned going out for a meal on the Sunday- just us 3 with dsd and dd) . I really did not want to do this- it felt too intimate. I do not have much to do with his ex- he does all the communication plus his ex's behaviour over various things has upset me in the past. (I have never and would never confront her though! ) so I suggested a tea party at our house instead - hoping she wouldn't come but if she did at least I could kind of avoid having to chat to her as lots of other people around. Anyway, she's coming, and so is her mother (dsd nanny). I am now dreading it. Feel sick at the thought of her being in my house, chatting to my MIL and sister in law. I just feel upset as every year I am made to feel guilty by having the 'it's not about you it's about dsd' card thrown at me. 2 years ago DH was working so I went to his ex's house- pregnant and with morning sickness- to help with her party and to be there for dsd. Makes me more upset as it's my birthday weekend too and I always end up stressed out and dreading it as I have to see and spend time with his ex.

Am I being selfish? Should I just paste on a false smile suck it up and deal with it for dsd sake? Pretend everything is fine? Or do any of you think I should be more forceful and insist on our own celebration without his ex? DH gets very very defensive over DSD. (Btw we have one dd together who is 18 months old)
Thank you in advance for your honesty!

You've tried to please by offering to do things at your place and compromised yourself in the process. I agree you will probably have to stick with the arrangements this time.
However, for the future, there is no obligation in stepfamilies to accommodate the exes, at annual birthdays, Christmas or whatever else.

I'm a stepchild, an ex and a step mother. I've never socialised with my DCs and ex apart from DD's 18th (special occasion, we all did great, 12 years on, well done us!). But for random non significant birthdays, no way!

I never did special occasions with both my parents and partners as a child and wouldn't have wanted to. My parents split for a reason. I don't do celebrations with us all together with my DPs ex. It's never been suggested and would be more of an endurance than a celebration..

It's weird to me to throw everyone together on a regular basis. I disagree with the poster who said its great that you're all getting together to celebrate with DCs. My (now teen) DCs would find this awkward and weird, as I would have done when I was younger. Weddings, 18th birthdays etc are different, one off special arrangement where you all have to get on with it.
Much more "normal" is to have 2 "birthdays", celebrate one with dad's family and one with mum's family.

I find it slightly hypocritical to try to preserve a version of a nuclear family when it so obviously did not work out so well. Trying a new, separate family set up seems more honest and less stressful.

As the adult you have to do what is best for dsd and really even your birthday shouldn't be really an issue. You're a grown up, you can celebrate another day.

I think it's nice that your DH's ex wants to include you in their celebrations. I find it really uncomfortable when DP spends time with his ex and her family without me. It's not often and most of the time I am invited, even if I can't make it.

I find that spending time with them all makes me feel less of an outsider and I get to see how they interact with each other which is not the cosy happy family of my wild imagination, but just amicable exes. She does sometimes overstep the mark a bit, but tbh I'd rather be there and know that happens than have it go on behind my back.

From the other side, my DCs love that their dad and I can spend time with them together and now their dad also has a GF it would be good to all be able to celebrate xmas and birthdays together rather than them feel torn between two houses. Last xmas my DP invited me, his ex, my ex and his gf for lunch! Sounds odd, but for the DCs I think it's a lovely idea and after all, xmas is about them, not us.

I think you really need to suck it up, put on a happy face and be a good host. If nothing else, by hosting it you can keep busy. My DP and his ex hosted a party for their dd last week, I made the cake and then pottered about making tea for the adults etc while DP and his ex did the hard work and MIL did all the prep and clearing up. If I hadn't been there I'd have imagined DP and his ex watching on with pride like a happy couple, whereas the reality was lots of noise and herding children into party games

She won't be wanting this type of party when she is 13/14/15 etc.

Even once she reaches secondary school, tea parties are not cool.

From next year you can move it on to a 'meal out' basis.