Holidays with stepchildren

[bettyboop1000]

I feel awful for thinking this but...I don't want my stepchildren coming on holiday with us. They go on holiday abroad twice a year with their mother plus stay in cottages at least twice a year and have weekends away. I have three children and would like to go away with my DP. He, understandably wants to bring his children with us which hikes up the price so much that in the end, we can only afford to get away for a weekend. I feel that my children are missing out. I don't want to be this nasty stepmother who excludes his children. I don't know what to do other than take my children abroad by myself which isn't really that appealing. I feel very selfish thinking like this but can't help it.

[Quesera21]

peruvian - your daughter is lucky.

storm - your perferct situation is belied by some of your other posts! Not sure how a mum on 16hrs minimum wage jobs affords all the holidays you claim!

The reality for mine is they see their Dad as and when. ONs are almost a figment of their imagination - last one was one night in December. Contact weekends in Jan, feb march and now april broken because - they were visiting her family/her DCs sick/ her car broken down so he coudl not come and get his own because he gave her his car for her DCs activities, and his DCs not able to fit in one car /not welcome to go. The not welcome at her family comes from his DP, amazingly her step mum is fab with my DCs, they like her!. The irony of that does not escape me!

They know they are not welcome in the new house, no toys, clothes, photos of them on the walls - (all other children are) broken promises, pictures they make atschool stay in his car and never enter the other house, no holidays, forgotten significant events, not coming to matches because got to take his new DP to see her DCs in matches, ignored and not spoken to by their SM, refusing to get breakfast for them whilst she gets her own DCs breakfast - 9 yr old now does it for his sibs, not allowed on the computer - I could go on.

Their father is a gutless, spineless wonder who needs to stick up for his kids but that does not excuse her actions to the DCS - they are hers and hers alone. She chooses to marginalise and emotionally abuse them, he colludes in that action. I thought we had finally made a break through before Xmas and his attitude improved massively for 4 months - it was such a relief. A bit of emotional blackmail later, we are back to square one.

To me lunar summed it up - no one did to her or does explain to my DCS what is happening in the other family - they allegedly belong to.

Sorry slightly off track from the OP- but answers your question.

[Storm15]

I never said my situation was perfect Quesera. I said we had no issues with regards to holidays which we don't. I give up.

[thepurplehen]

My dp would never holiday without his kids but with my dc.

I can see his point, but our situation is that mum doesn't do much with them so it's down to us really.

If money was an issue, I'd take my dc on holiday without dp but dp isn't dc dad, so I can see it makes a difference.

I do think it's one of those situations where you do have to compromise.

It doesn't always work out fairly but I think it sends a bad message going on holiday without dsc if other children are going.

[Jacobsmum1972]

I think again the situation differs to whether the dc are half siblings to the dsc.

[madamtremain]

I don't know Jacob.. If it's step siblings it's "holidaying with strangers" if it's half siblings it's "treating the new children differently to the original children"
I don't think there's a way around it. If the children have hang ups or bitterness then either way there'll be a problem.

[trevortrevorslatterfry]

Just wanted to come on and say to all of you SP with your own DC. I don't know how you do it (I am a SM but have no DC of my own - my own personal circumstances are definitely a lot less complicated as a result and I am very grateful for that).

too. Hope you all have wonderful summers however they pan out.

[swingofthings]

I have already questioned my judgement about that, and having it rammed home by you so hurtfully is not what MN is supposed to be about.

I don't know what you took so personally what I wrote when I wasn't thinking of you at all when I wrote it. My comment wasn't bitchy as you put it, I just expressed what I felt as a kid with separated parents and how I think my kids feel themselves.

I do agree that there are so many different scenarios. If a family can afford more than one holiday a year with different family members going then there is clearly nothing wrong with one being excluded from one of the holidays.

What I don't understand is that a parent could favour going away with his step-children over his own children, who is already sees less that step-children if he then can't afford any holiday with his own children. That's what I think resentment is very likely to build unless indeed the children don't care that their dad prefers to be away with step-children.

I'm too glad you found a compromise Betty.

[madamtremain]

It's not that he'd rather go away with his stepchildren, it's that he wants a holiday with his wife or girlfriend, and she has kids. Given the option of him taking one set of children away by himself, I highly doubt there are any dads who would take his step children away over his own.

[yellowdaisies]

madam - you're right of course, that that's why any father would end up going away without his own children. But that may not be the way that children see it.

Children see the world from their own perspective. They'll easily miss the complexities of competing pressures on their dad, and simply feel that they're not his priority any more. Certainly needs careful handling.

[slkk]

Just read this thread from our holiday with dsc and dc running round. It's a tough one as I do understand op' s thought that her dc have never holidays abroad. However, watching dh with his children this week has reminded me that holidays are so much more than places. My dh has limited leave and it is only on holiday that they get to have extended quality time with him. We never holiday without dsc for this reason but try to keep costs down (e.g. we are away at easter rather than summer hols). Glad you have come to a solution op and hope you all enjoy your holiday together. May half term is our favourite time to go away - cheap, often sunny and much less crowded. Have fun!

[adelecarberry]

I disagree with this as a parent who has two children one with my husband and one with an ex. We would never wait till he went on holiday with his dad and then me my husband and other child went away. We would arrange a holiday together as part of our family. Just because your not the non resident parent doesnt make it ok. Both people had children so should be kept the same.

[riverboat1]

Sounds like you've found a good solution OP. I don't think it would be instrinsically 'unfair' in your situation to have gone away without them, but I guess the thing it might still FEEL unfair to his children and would have had to be managed very carefully. All things considered, this way you have a little holiday this year to enjoy, a lovely holiday next year to look forward to and don't have to have any guilt or worry about his kids not coming or your kids never getting to go abroad.

DP and I don't have kids of our own, just his DS who is almost 10. We have done weeks away on our own, plus weeks where just DP has taken DS (eg skiing, which I'm not that interested in) plus weeks away all three of us. It's a nice mix.

I am a little concerned about next year, as a very good friend of mine has moved to California, and DP and I are invited to go and stay with her and her DH in summer 2016. But it throws up the question of DSS - especially as we'd be talking about 10 days minimum due to the distance and flight costs involved.

I don't think we can go with DSS, as my friends are child-free and the invitation almost certainly doesn't include him. So....either I go on my own, or DP and I go together but then have to think about whether it's fair to DSS. DSS would definitely want to come based on the idea of a holiday in America, but then in reality - spending time with two adult couples doing things like visiting natural parks and hiking and going to restaurants - probably wouldn't actually enjoy the reality that much at age 11. We'd still go on holiday with him somewhere more local for a week, but then I just worry that he'll think and hold onto 'dad and riverboat went on a lovely holiday to America and I didn't get to go...' he doesn't generally seem to think like that, though. What do you all think?

[slkk]

I think it's different to do an adults only holiday without dsc than one parent going away with other children. Kids understand that sometimes adults do things without children and you could probably play up how boring it will be - lots of sitting around talking, shopping, long walks (whatever will turn him off...). As long as he gets some holiday with his dad hopefully he'll be happy.

[NoNameDame]

Go at the same time.

Literally when the mum books a week you book a week away your do and your dh at the same time.

That way when the dsc come back they have just had a holiday and tell them next year they will be going away with you. I.e it's important that they get a holiday every year but one year that will be with their mum and the next year with their dad.

Anything their mum does above and beyond that is a bonus.

Either they will be too young to over think it or old enough to understand money pressures and realise that 1 holiday a year is enough and just because parents are separated they don't automatically need two.

[Scorpiovenus]

They get enough OP

Have a break and treat yourself. :)

[SolsticeBabyMaybe]

I really don't like this 'first family' Vs 'second family' talk. It would be awful for children to overhear that. The children are siblings so they are part of one family.

Regarding the OP:

There is no point in striving for parity. It's totally inevitable that siblings who grow up in separate households will have very life experiences, good and bad. You can't control that.

What you can control is the dynamic you want to create with ALL of your children. Do you want them to feel like they are family 1 and family 2? For the sake of achieving some quite comfortable, pretty impossible balance between their holiday numbers? Or do you want them to have the best holiday that they can all have together?

When they look back on their childhood what will they value more? Going to a couple more places, or going away with mum, dad and siblings (including step siblings?)

[stuffedpeppers]

Mine have not been on holiday with their DF since he left.

He on the other hand took the new DP and her kids to Barbados, Orlando, Dubai, Greece etc. He could not afford to take 5 DCS away at the same time - allegedly.

My DCS know and get v upset. It is not about the locations but about them spending time with their Dad - as they point he is ours not theirs.

[Bluerussian]

You're not at all unreasonable, you accommodate your step children well enough and it isn't at all unusual to want a holiday with just your own. Would be different if the step children lived with you all the time but they don't. Does their mother offer to take yours away occasionally?

Stick to your guns, you aren't being nasty at all and your husband should realise that.

[MichelleC69]

If we take my stepkids on holiday, their dad pays for them and I pay for me and my daughter. I don't know how you split your finances but in my opinion you shouldn't be funding his kids to go away. We have never managed a family holiday for all 5 of us. I've been with his kids but not mind and vice versa. And we've done a couple of holidays with two of the three kids. They're all in separate schools with different holidays so it can be difficult to all get time away together.