Holidays with stepchildren

[bettyboop1000]

I feel awful for thinking this but...I don't want my stepchildren coming on holiday with us. They go on holiday abroad twice a year with their mother plus stay in cottages at least twice a year and have weekends away. I have three children and would like to go away with my DP. He, understandably wants to bring his children with us which hikes up the price so much that in the end, we can only afford to get away for a weekend. I feel that my children are missing out. I don't want to be this nasty stepmother who excludes his children. I don't know what to do other than take my children abroad by myself which isn't really that appealing. I feel very selfish thinking like this but can't help it.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

surely but you mentioned being able to "afford" to. That means the comparison isn't equal. The OP makes the financial decisions about her own DC's within the means available to them (the DC's). The OP's DP doesn't have that responsibility for his DCs - so you can't compare the two if you bring finances into it.

Of course, if both the OP and her DP were millionaires, and money was not a consideration, then it would be a like-for-like comparison. But you can't compare a RP and a NRP when you include reference to finances, because it isn't the same.

(My reasons for defending this so passionately is because I share 50:50 care of my DD yet I am considered the RP and make the decisions about financial expenditure so I KNOW the inequality that exists, even when care is equally shared)

[SurlyCue]

I disussed "affording" because this is what the OP says We can just about afford to go, if it was just me, him and my children. Adding his children in would make it impossible.

However she goes on to say I still want to to take my children abroad with my partner. He wants his children to come too.

So it doesnt actually matter who is responsible for what, both parents want their DCs with them on holiday. He is not wrong for wanting that nor is he wrong for not going on holiday if his children wont be there. He isnt preventing OP or her DCs going on holiday, OP doesnt get to decide whether he goes on holidy with her because she wants it. He decides if going without his children is something he wants to do and isnt wrong if he chooses not to.

Again, the situation is equitable from the perspective that both parents want their DCs there. It is for this reason i am suggesting cheaper locations/packages/websites etc. i dont think it can ever be as clear cut as "well his children's mother is the RP so she is responsible for their holidays, dad shouldnt be bothered about taking them"

[PeruvianFoodLover]

I dont think it can ever be as clear cut as "well his children's mother is the RP so she is responsible for their holidays, dad shouldnt be bothered about taking them

No, I don't think that, either - however, I think it is equally unreasonable to expect all NRP to never holiday with their spouses unless their NRDCs go as well. There are all sorts of reasons why NRDC's may not be able to holiday with their NR family, but those reasons shouldn't prevent the resident DCs in that household enjoying a holiday with both their parent and stepparent together.

[SurlyCue]

I think it is equally unreasonable to expect all NRP to never holiday with their spouses unless their NRDCs go as well.

Apologies if you think this was what i was suggesting, it really wasnt, because like you i think it unreasonable. Blanket rules tend to be tbh. I hope it comes across in my posts that im suggesting neither parent should be expected to do something if it isnt what they want. Eg, if the DP didnt want his DCs to come along but OP was saying they should out of fairness/guilt then he would be just as right to say it wasnt what he wanted and not go.

but those reasons shouldn't prevent the resident DCs in that household enjoying a holiday with both their parent and stepparent together.

If thats what both parents want. In this case it isnt. Both parents want their DCs there.

[swingofthings]

She said its when her dsd is on holiday with mum anyway. Should the other three all go without or have lesser holidays so that the other child, who had holidays with mum, can come?

What difference does this make? Surely if it is about the holiday only rather than spending fun time together as a family unit, why not go with just one's children? If it is about all being together, then what kind of message does this give?

Indeed, it is not so much of an issue if Storm's partner takes his DD on holiday on his own, but then I can't see the point of that if the reason for not taking her on their family holiday is the cost in the first place.

I suppose if Storm's SD doesn't resent them for it, then they are very lucky. Not many kids who really care about their father and his family would not mind at all though.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

Not many kids who really care about their father and his family would not mind at all though.

That's a really bitchy thing to say. The implication is that my DD (and all other DC's like her) doesn't really care about me because she "doesn't mind" that I go on holiday without her.

I have already questioned my judgement about that, and having it rammed home by you so hurtfully is not what MN is supposed to be about.

[Littlemonstersrule]

Swing, I don't know many children who would happily wave their parent off on holiday with their half siblings whilst they weren't part of it either. Children can feel upset or resentful of the tiniest thing much less being told it's too expensive to include them in a family holiday.

When a man chooses to have more children, he has to ensure he treats them all the same. The ones who live with him already have advantages so the one that insists his child goes along too is a good father. Why should the child be ditched in favour of half siblings or cost? What the other parent provides is down to them and shouldn't have a bearing on it.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

So what is is about the additional siblings that creates the difference?

Are you saying that Dad holidaying with stepmum is OK, but Dad holidaying with stepmum and step/half DCs' (often of a vastly different age) is going to lead to resentment and upset.

If DH and I have a baby, should he and I stop holidaying together unless we leave the baby at home, in order to avoid upsetting my DD?

Actually, it would only be a few years, and we could leave the baby with DD when she turns 18 - that would prevent the resentment from either of them, wouldn't it?

[lunar1]

I never told anyone how much I hated my dad pissing off on his holidays with his girlfriend and her daughter.

I hated it, I think I will have been around 9 when it started but I just couldn't understand why he would go away with this random woman and child. What was wrong with my brother and I that we didn't get to go away with our dad?

People can rationalise it all they like, make whatever excuses they want. None of the reasons would have made me or my brother think it was ok, for our dad to chose some random girl over us.

[Quesera21]

thank you lunar - you have summed it up exactly.

My DCS do not say anything to their dad, but you would have to be a complete unemotional idiot not to notice, they hurt and they sure as hell as me the questions.

How the hell do you answer without sounding like a bitter, twisted bitch? If someone can come up with an explanation that will help a 4, 7 and 9 yr old - please post it below.

[madamtremain]

Some random girl? You mean, his wife?

I'm so sad for you that there wasn't an adult helping you to realise that wasn't a healthy way to view things.

[lunar1]

Or manipulating me into viewing things in a way suited them?

She was never his wife, she was one of many girlfriends.

I viewed it as I saw it. One day I lived with my mum dad and brother. Then mum moved us several hundred miles away. The next time we saw him a month later he was busy playing house with a random woman and her child. What else would they have been to us?

[PeruvianFoodLover]

madam I was thinking the same. I've just read that paragraph to my DD as an example of how some adult stepchildren view their memories of their stepparents.

She was visibly upset, and very angry that anyone, particularly an adult, would imply that all stepchildren feel that way about their stepparents, regardless of what they might say. Of course, she then reminded me that nothing on the internet is what it seems, and that posters here may not have had the experiences they say the have. I've obviously taught her well!

[madamtremain]

I'm always teaching my DD to view things in a positive light in the hope she takes happy memories in to adulthood rather than bitterness. I think it's sad that you were left to feel that way for so long, lunar.

My DD met a stream of girlfriends on her Dad's path to meeting his lovely wife who is now a huge and very positive part of her life. She was always honest about the fact she found it confusing but we talked about the positives a lot too and she is only ever excited to hear about his stories (and receive her gift) when he comes back from trips away without her.

I think that if you are spending quality time with your kids (resident or not) and they feel loved, they won't care if their half/ step sibling gets one poxy holiday a year and they aren't there for it, especially if they get holidays with mum.

[lunar1]

Which part of my post referred to all stepchildren feeling the same way? I referred to myself and my brother. I don't know why somebody would need to be visibly angry about how we felt about our situation.

[lunar1]

Sorry, visibly upset that should have said.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

lunar you have since explained that your situation was totally different from the OPs and others in this thread as it was not your stepmum, or step/half siblings, that your dad was holidaying with.
I wrongly interpreted your post, as you were sharing your experience on this thread, and thought that it was related to the circumstances under discussion.

quesera Are your DCs also strangers to their dads family? My DD cannot relate to your own DCs feelings at all, but now realises that, like lunar and her brother, your DCs may not be a part of two family units.

[lunar1]

I think my dad described them as step mum/sister the first time we met them. I suppose my post would have been worded better if I'd put strangers instead of randoms. It felt as if we had been replaced with strangers.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

lunar it sounds like your parents handled their separation very badly, and that you have carried the scars into your own adulthood.

I hope my ex and I have managed to achieve a better balance for DD; as I say, she can't relate to the negative emotions expressed by stepchildren towards their stepparents, or their NRP, in these recent posts.

[HairyMcMary]

OP : so if you go away with your DP and your kids, would your DP be paying towards your kids?

Or is it that he can't afford to pay for himself and his kids and you would need to contribute? Because if you could afford to take yours away by yourself, can he not afford to take his? Especially as you have more than him!

It does sound fun, when you all go together - can we help by thinking of a way to keep costs down? Does it have to be abroad? Book family rooms in a Youth Hostel? Any voucher schemes going?

[bettyboop1000]

Hairy, we usually just split the cost of big things like holidays so I suppose , yes he would be contributing towards the cost of the holiday. Having spoken to him, we have now decided to just have a few days together with ALL children in the summer and save for a holiday abroad next year that we can all go on together. My children and his children get on very well together and really look forward to spending time together. My children really like my partner and his children seem to really like me too.

Someone suggested groupon and the like so I will have a look on there to see what kind of things they offer.

[bettyboop1000]

Also, next year we will both be in a better position financially, having paid off the last bit of debt we both have so we may be able to have more than just one holiday a year whether that be here or abroad.

[SurlyCue]

OP i think that is a brilliant compromise you have come to (its really a win/win rather than compromise as you all still get what you want, just a bit later)

Groupon/wowcher etc can be really great. Definitely post on the travel section for tips and tricks to keep costs down.

Fwiw apart from when my eldest was 2 (and so he cant remember) my dcs have never been abroad. We've never holidayed outside of Ireland and its never been for more than 5 days. We camp or do budget hotel deals for a couple of nights. They get so excited about planning our holidays and really love them. I dont think it matters at all to them that we dont have hot weather and lots of foreign languages around us. Maybe when they are teens they would like to go abroad but its not something theyre missing right now at 6 and 10 years old.

[HairyMcMary]

Glad you have sorted it and come up with a plan, betty! And it's lovely that everyone gets on so well - that family strength is worth more than anyone's money or a sunbed in Ibiza.

I do think it would be a bit unreasonable for him to be contributing to the cost of your 3 kids on hol and he doesn't get a hol with his kids.

[bettyboop1000]

Thank you Surly. We are both happy with this and know the children will be too. I just hope my original post didn't sound like I don't like his children.