Holidays with stepchildren

[bettyboop1000]

I feel awful for thinking this but...I don't want my stepchildren coming on holiday with us. They go on holiday abroad twice a year with their mother plus stay in cottages at least twice a year and have weekends away. I have three children and would like to go away with my DP. He, understandably wants to bring his children with us which hikes up the price so much that in the end, we can only afford to get away for a weekend. I feel that my children are missing out. I don't want to be this nasty stepmother who excludes his children. I don't know what to do other than take my children abroad by myself which isn't really that appealing. I feel very selfish thinking like this but can't help it.

[Storm15]

*twiddling, not twitting...

[Littlemonstersrule]

Its quite telling it's the step parents that chose who goes and mentioning the money aspect. Quite sad only the children at home deserve money spent on them. If the first child lived at home you'd have to pay for them so it's no different.

When relatives treat children different it follows with cries of stop contact, have it out with them etc but fine for parents to treat them differently and exclude them.

[CalicoBlue]

Littlemonstersrule no it is not, you have not read all the threads. And who are these first children?

[Petal02]

I think it's insane to insist on parity across two different households when there are so many variables.

[madamtremain]

But littlemonster if the child lived with them then it wouldn't get all the treats it gets with mum and of course it would be taken everywhere like the others.

Where does it say the step parent decided what's happening? Are the poor helpless men folk taken on these outings blindfolded? Speaking for myself, I was the higher earner and practically all DH's money went to his ex so damn right I held the purse strings

[Storm15]

So, if I want to go on holiday with just my children, it should always be without my husband, who is also their father?

But I presume it's OK for my husband to take just my DSD on holiday? That is different how? If your rule follows, his other three DC should also be feeling horribly left out shouldn't they? (They're not as it happens. They all get individual time with both of their parents. As they should).

And actually, in our case, regardless of contact, DH is still paying maintenance, school fees (I help pay for those) and for pretty much everything else when it comes to DSD. So it isn't only the children at home deserve money spent on them .

Ridic.

[Petal02]

But it seems as though posters are suggesting the 'second family' children can't do anything with their dad unless his 'first' children are also involved - even if the 'first' children are already having similar treats/holidays with their mum. It's ridiculous.

[Petal02]

Also agreeing with Storm - surely she should be allowed to include her husband in her holiday plans? Or should those in second marriages holiday separately to avoid upsetting the step children? Is it really so wrong to admit a new family unit has been created?

[yellowdaisies]

I don't think anyone had suggested that life should go on hold when the DSC aren't there, or that the rest of the family shouldn't be allowed to have fun without them. But if their Dad is only able to have one holiday a year due whatever reason, a lot of children will find or hurtful of he takes that one holiday with his new partner and her children, and not them, especially if they're not doing anything else at that particularly time.

Better if you can do a mixture of different combinations for shorter holidays

[yellowdaisies]

petal yes i think it's very wrong to send a message to step children that a new family has been created, and it doesn't include them. That's absolutely not the message you want to give out to anyone in a blended family. Life goes on without them sometimes, yes. But their dad now has a new family and they're not in it, absolutely not.

[Petal02]

I always think of blended families, and the units within them, as something like a Venn diagram. The Op's DH is obviously part of his ' first children' family, but he's equally part of his new family too. Second family should not mean second class.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

We only have dps kids to think about. we have them 50/50 and we can usually only afford one holiday a year. We wanted to take the kids abroad but it's a lot of money and we have had a really crap time at the moment with them. The kids don't want to go abroad. (Although would go with their mum no problem) our life doesn't stop and we still go on holiday without the kids. The kids get holidays with mum too so dp doesn't feel guilty. We will take them when we can. And when we can afford to.


I think its fair to go away without your stepkids even more so if they are already getting holidays with their other parent. But maybe dp could do something with his daughter when you get back or all go away camping or something. Xx

[FrankTurnersGuitar]

Take your children away at the same time your Sc are away, everyone gets a holiday that way.
Would be good to all go away too or at least to want to all go away. Can you all plan and save for that.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

Whether a NR child considers themselves part of their NR family isn't only influenced by holidays with that family though, is it?

I imagine (from my own experience) that the RP has a great deal of influence over whether the NR family is perceived as family. Sadly, from posts here on MN and other narratives, it seems that in many cases, the expectation is that NR children are entitled to holidays and treats with the NRP, but should be excused the less appealing parts of family life, such as house rules and shared responsibilities.

I can't imagine it is easy, holidaying with children in a blending family for whom different boundaries, rules and expectations apply. It must be difficult enough for a stepparent to holiday with children other than their own where they may not agree with all the parenting decisions being made. Stepparents must find it a lot harder to tolerate the inevitable reaction to late nights/long haul travel/different accomodation/unfamiliar food than the child's own parents do - and I can remember thinking some awful things about my toddler DD in the small hours of the morning after several nights without sleep in a cramped hotel room, sobbing and begging for her to doze off

I wonder how many stepparents and prospective stepparents have considered that they may never be able to share holidays with their children and partner together? If finances, contact schedules or court orders prevent the NRDCs participating in a family holiday all together, then the overwhelming opinion seems to be that the stepparent and her DCs should holiday without her spouse, because the NRDCs will resent the family if their Dad holidays without them.

I know there has been discussion elsewhere on this board about the phrase "you knew what you were getting into" - but the reality of that is incredibly complex and potentially life long!

[yellowdaisies]

I don't think he's right though need a holiday it's not as simple as that. You're DSD world certainly say her family includes her DM, so I think petal is right really, it is more like a Venn diagram. That's how I often think of ours.

So doing some sort of holiday with each bit of it is probably more important than a long/overseas holiday for just one section of it that one person gets to define.

[SurlyCue]

OP could you just plan a cheaper holiday? Self catering, cheaper location, caravan holiday etc. not sure what you had planned but i'm sure there are adjustments that would mean all of you could go without overspending.

[PinkGinny]

Yes the step-children may well get a holiday with their mum; I am fairly sure they would like to holiday with their dad too. The differences in what or where those holidays are is broadly only important to the adults involved - children, particularly young ones, don't remember how many stars the hotel had or whether there was ice-cream on tap over and above the fun that they had. Be it in a leaky tent in Yorkshire/ Bedruthan Sands or a Sansatori hotel in the Caribbean.

And a totally different scenario to days out when the step-children were due to be with their other parent anyway so not a fair comparison at all.

I also think that if a NRP can afford to holiday with their partner they can afford a different holiday with their children.

[Jacobsmum1972]

I have been upset by some of the posters.

My son's dad has a second family and they have gone on holiday without ds and its wrong. Children should go on holiday (ideally) with both parents. Obviously some parents don't have enough to afford a holiday and other reasons.

But personally I would not go on holiday without dss. Even if my own dc lose out because of that.

Also resident children have both parents at home surely that makes up for any additional holidays.

[Pilgrimforever]

My parents divorced when I was 10 and my dad married my step mum who had 4 children of her own.
My brother and I never went on holiday with my dad after the divorce.
My mum only had to pay for the 3 of us to go on holiday so we went every year. My dad and step mum had to pay for the 6 of them to go away so they hardly went at all. If they had had to pay for 8 of us then my step siblings would never have had a holiday while my brother and me went every year.
We understood this and were quite happy not to go away with them as it wasn't fair for our step siblings to miss out when we went away anyway.

[Akire]

I'm with those that say OP should go away with her children and husband without DSC. Surely it would cause far more resentment and bad feeling between families if DSC get to come back and say how great holiday they have had while the others can't go without them.

If their mum couldn't afford to take them away while the new family got all the treats that is one thing but if they are both getting one holiday away a year then it sounds very fair. If you booked the same week then even better.

[Quesera21]

What they do with their mother is not relevant to the situation. It is relevant what their father does with his DCs.

Sorry,it annoys me intensely that so many step mums think it is reasonable to ask their other half to not take their own children. In this scenario the DP never gets to take his children on holiday because the OPs children take priority.

My DCS have this done to them and they hate it and believe me they know it is happening. They do want to go on holiday with their Dad.I am also aware of the holidays being changed to co incide with mine, just so his DCs can not go it - it is wrong.

I like the suggestion - divide the cost and ask him if he wants to pay for his DCs.

Fundamentally you are prioritising you and your DCS right to go on holiday together over his right for him and his DCS to go on holiday - irrelevant what his Ex does. Storm you have not put your life on hold, you have deliberately excluded your partners DC and said to him that your DCs matter more than his. Storm said she deliberately booked holidays knowing the DSC is away with mum - wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels