my fiances daughter

[januaryblues11]

just looking for a bit of advice really...

I have a ds who is 4. My fiance has 3 kids - 2 ds who are 5 and 2, and a dd who is 6.

We've been together for 18 months and I've been in the dcs life for about a year, gradually at first, but more recently seeing them twice/three times a month.

I was the reason that their parents split I guess - dp hadn't been happy for a long time and we met at work. He left his wife to be with me, though nothing happened between us for another 2 months after that.

I get on great with the boys. the 5 year old is a typical boy and accepted me immediately. He gets on great with my ds too which helps.

The 2 year old is brilliant - a bundle of fun and laughter. He doesn't remember his life without me in it.

The problem is his dd. She still remembers her life before me and I think she blames me for her dad leaving. I try really hard with her. sometimes I see her and shell come running up for a cuddle, and other times she will blow raspberries at me and won't come anywhere near me. its like she's totally conflicted by her feelings for me.

Tonight, we were messing around, I was tickling her and she was laughing and all of a sudden she looked me dead in the eye and said "I know your not my mummy". I laughed and said, no, she has a lovely mummy at home and I am just daddy's friend.

does anyone have any ideas on how best to handle myself with her? I'm so desperate for her to like me I worry that it comes across to her.

I came on to post advice for you op but Robot has done it all for me. Even after all my years on here, I still get astounded by the quite frankly judgemental and disrespectful responses to some genuine appeals for advice.

Op, there is no easy answer. Time is your friend. Be yourself, be there when his dc's need you and respect when they don't. Keep things straightforward, structured and 'normal' in your home. Don't try too hard. Go about your everyday life, make sure the dc know there is always room for them in that life but that there is no pressure on them.

It is possible that his ex is saying disruptive things to the dc but there is very little you can do about that. Don't engage in it and be positive and enthusiastic about both their parents. The dd is probably feeling torn between the 2 of them right now and not wanting to be disloyal to her mum by being 'friends' with you. Creating a safe, loving atmosphere in your home where she can be herself and speak freely and openly about her mum is the best thing you can do for her.

I think dealing with any child who has conflicting emotions is difficult.
I think what you said to her, -that you are not her mummy,she has a lovely mummy at home - sums up how you should deal with it.

When a child eventually understands that one can experience two different emotions at the same time it gets easier. But you can rush it. You can only accept her right to feel as she is feeling and assure her it's ok.

But the op has posted here in good faith. Who are we to question whether she is lying about what happened or whether her dp is lying just because people feel the need to project their own feelings on to a situation?

Every situation is different. Just because x poster has been cheated on in the past by someone who moved on quickly to someone else doesn't mean that y poster's partner didn't legitimately leave an abusive relationship. If it was a woman with small children leaving an abusive relationship would anyone be telling her that it couldn't have been abusive because she had children?

The op isn't posting here to discuss the ins and outs of how her dp left his ex, reality is that the issues with the dc could arise regardless of how/when a relationship ended.

Oh of course, the little girl is important.

In which case with time she should start to warm more towards op. Just play it normal and let her come to you.

I do understand that there are men out there who lie about having had a turbulent past to obtain sympathy, to be able to get away with doing things which people would otherwise think deplorable. But my DP is not one of them. He pretty much had a nervous breakdown a couple of months after we got together because he felt so bad about his children. He truly loves them, its just a difficult situation and he doesn't get to see them as often as he'd like, as she just won't allow him.

I think as mentioned by many helpful posters on this thread that time is the only healer here. Its tempting to make a fuss of her, to buy her the odd gift or sweet treat, as its then that she gives me the best smiles. But I know shes happy with what I've bought her, not with me.

The reason I had concern is because there are times when she forgets herself, forgets that shes supposed to not like me, and she'll give me a hug, or laugh with me at something on the tv. Then she clams up again. And I hate that she obviously feels like she isn't allowed to like me or feel safe with me, just think its a shame that a 6 year old should feel like that.

I know in a perfect world her mum and dad would have been happy - hey, in a perfect world I'd still be with my exh who turned out to be a horrible person, but its not an ideal world. I am very commited to my dp, and he to me, and in turn we want our children to be comfortable and happy, both with eachother and with us.

AGirlCalledBob - by that logic the woman you know could have been the worst person in the world as the only people who know are her and her ex (not you)

ThreeMoreDaysTillFriday.

Very true but I very much doubt it

But you don't actually know so to be honest it's not fair to say you take the OP version with a pinch of salt when within the same post you are telling us a story of someone else who you do happen to believe.

The truth is this. The OP is the one posting, she believes what her husband has told her therefore her post as far as I can see is the truth that she knows and that's what she's asking advice on.

I would doubt you'd pick apart a single parents post about a useless NRP saying that they might be lying and there are two sides to every story.

A 4 yr old little girl - had a new baby brother arrive on the scene.

sibling jealousy etc etc, less Mum and Dad time and 4 months after the new arrival, Dad ups and leaves.

If according to the OP, the relationship was bad, then the poor girl would have picked up on that aswell, but then they were having another child together - um.

She was 4.

Robot - he chose to break the relationship, whether she was abusive or not - we do not know, a non neutral party is making a statement. Who knows whether his body image issues are long standing or not?

Sorry 2 months break between relationships in the context of a marriage and children is not long and in this case it was not two months. "He left his wife to be with me" - sorry you are the OW, end of done finished. Whilst they may not have slept together for 2 months, he hopped out of his marriage into another relationship - pdq.

His EX is pissed off with you - no, can not believe it! He left her with 3 kids, one a 4 month old and from your account, had been spending time with you for those 4 months anyway. I would be pretty annoyed and there would be very few of us here, in those circumstances that did not cry, get upset, say something - maybe we should not infront of the DCs.

The child is being normal, she knows you are not her Mum, why can she not say it, with out you getting upset. Sometimes she wants a cuddle sometimes she does not - again normal behaviour.

Sorry it comes across as you feeling guilty and wanting to assuage your feelings, the child has every right to express her opinion and knowledge of the situation as she is able and you need to give her time.

Your fiance may love his DCs, but lets be honest he did not exactly made them a priority in his life. He walked out on them and straight into your bed.

And those of you who feel that an OW is not guilty in a relationship break down - she knew he was married, she knew he had kids, he chose to break his marriage - but the OW in these situations also knew it was not just about him and her and persisted. Both wrong but different responsibilities.

COI: OW was one of my v close circle of friends, she also knew why we had hit a rough patch and told lies to my then DH about things I had said, done etc. Both guilty

Doesn't the OP say in her original post that they waited 6 months into their relationship, which makes 8 months after the parents split up before being slowly introducted into DSCs life?
Regardless of how they formed their relationship, it doesn't sound to me as though they forced a step mum figure onto the DSC. Even now, she is only involved with the children a few times a month. That doesn't sound over the top in my opinion.

I think what Robotroy said makes sense and also in some cases what Fedupbutfine said is also true, but infidelity and emotional abuse (true or untrue) are not what OP is asking advice on.

You can only maintain your stance of being continuously kind, considerate and fair towards the DSCs. She will learn from experience whether or not you are a decent person who treats her well.

One of my DSDs has a little difficulty with what i refer to as split loyalties. She likes me, but feels bad about it becasue she knows that mum does not. I have explained to her that sometimes people just don't someone but that doesn't mean that in order to be friends or to love that person you have to dislike who they dislike and like who they like. She can grasp this and it settles her a bit when I can see that she is struggling.
Never say anything negative about mum infront of them and always be fair and kind and you shouldn't go far wrong. Some kids just need more time than others. She may never grow to love you but that's ok.

I wasn't the other woman but I can relate in part to meeting a man with children, falling in love, wanting desperately for his children to like you and to be happy, and naively assuming that their mother (a grown woman with her children's best interests at heart one would hope) will do all her crying and raging away from her impressionable young ones and just want the best of a bad situation.

But it doesn't work like that. The children have their own feelings. These are helped along, minimised, justified, amplified (who knows!) by mum and what you dearly wish to be a fairytale can end up a trauma.

All you can do is try to relax, be yourself, set your boundaries and be prepared for a bumpy ride. If your DP is worth it then stick with it. But don't expect any of them to play by your rules!!

I think it is naive to assume that the arrival of the child means his story about them being unhappy is untrue. Men don't only have sex with their wives when they're happy. Habit, desire, duty, alcohol... Maybe it was a last ditch attempt at a reconciliation shag?

'You destroyed her family' - bullshit. You cannot know that. How many women come on here and talk about abusive relationships, if they found the strength to leave because they had met someone lovely (and not had an affair as the OP said) would you state that the man had 'destroyed the family'? The abusive partner did that.

Such sexist crap full of assumptions spouted on here at times.

I'm not a step-parent, but I have a step-parent who was the OM, so I can see where your DSD is coming from. She's 6 and life is very black and white for 6yos.

If I were you I would take comfort in the fact that she comes for cuddles, it means she likes you, if she didn't like you I doubt she'd bother faking it. She's dealing with conflicting feelings of loyalty to her DM and enjoying your company, believe me that's a painful place to be for a child.

The fact is, whatever the circumstances, you knew what you were getting into (sorry, I know that that gets said a lot here) and I think you need to be patient and understanding, don't force things and let her have her moments. It sounds like you dealt with it really well, but try not to take it to heart. She's 6 and going through a very difficult transition, which you are partly responsible for. Your happy ever after was never going to be plain sailing with children involved, but it sounds like you will get there with her.

You know when she's a teenager you're going to be regularly reminded that you're not her mother don't you?

" naively assuming that their mother (a grown woman with her children's best interests at heart one would hope)"

notharriet - most of us try but every so often, as you juggle 3 kids, finance, separation, loneliness, despair, your now EX, his new DP etc - it hits you and who the hell would not be human if it did. Something simple can be said by a very small hurting child and it can set you off - well it did me and I sat clutching a baby on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out with 2 other small DCS looking at me as if I was mad. His nappy kept falling off and eldest DC said she says you only buy cheap nappies that is why they fall off!

My halo does occasionally slip - when the EX forgets child care with 10 minutes to go and my hair appointment, smear test go out the window yet again!

It is about the little girl and the Op does not know what the mother is saying. Hootytooty summed it up - this is about letting the little girl express her feelings and not trying to manipulate them. OP sounds like she is doing the right thing.

I think she is doing the right thing is too Quesera very much so.

I was just letting OP know that I've been where she is (well, kind of) and that things don't always go the way you think they will.

I was left alone with DD at 10 months old (fair enough I only had one) while her Dad went off bonking everything under the age of 20 that moved, paid no CSA, and I'd moved county to be with him so had no support. I never once bad mouthed him to my DD. she saw me lose it and cry of course. But I never bad mouthed him or his new wife.

Maybe no one has done so to the Op's step child either, but her behaviour may suggest it has happened.