Does anyone wish they didn't have to have his DC in their lives?

[Wdigin2this]

I know there are SM's on this thread who seem to have nailed this SP lark, and are happily engaged with their SC...and I applaud you all! But, though I now realise, having read some horror stories on here, my situation (all our DC are grown) isn't soooo bad. But, there are times when DH's inability to say no, (when no is clearly the right answer for all concerned) very, very wearing...so I suppose if I have to apportion blame, he's getting it! I so often boil with fury over the ridiculous excesses, one In particular DSC expects, which tbf he would extend to my DC if they would dream of accepting, which they don't! So, there are times when if I could, I'd wave a magic wand...Pooof, gone!

I get this to an extent, I am dreading DSS becoming a adult as I know he will still rely on DH to support him. There is a lot of guilt here, not only for the divorce, but DSS was adopted then within a couple of years they divorced and DH has been trying to compensate since.

When we all moved in together DH was adamant that DSS had to have all the benefits he had when they lived on their own, ie his own room, his own playroom, his own TV and games machines etc..He did not get his own playroom, the list of rooms got silly in the size of house we could afford, but he did end up with the biggest bedroom room in the house. He still has to have three holidays a year with at least one trip to Disneyland. So off they go. I really do not mind.

What does worry me is that as DSS has got older it is more apparent that he is not bright and it is unlikely he will be able to do GCSE's. Which probably means he will not be able to support himself in the lifestyle he is used to. I worry that he will end up living with us forever.

Nice to see my Dh has a long lost twin! He knows I check his phone- it's a free-for-all, but sometimes I wish I didnt- as I just come away feeling more shocked, and those are the ones dh hasn't deleted!
It's not just to his dcs- he is an unusually generous person- helps all our extended family.

But I sometimes wonder what would happen if one day he wasn't here- how would they cope? Only yesterday adult ss wasn't feeling well; who do you think phoned in sick to work on his behalf?

Nice to have somewhere to vent??

If my experience is anything to go by...you very probably will! And don't forget, whether you're with a DP or DH, it's your combined finances which will be supporting th DSC!!

Calico he won't live with you forever- your dh will set him up somewhere (with his own games room

Hormonal, I often check emails, texts and feel sick at what is going on behind my back! Yes my DH is a generous guy who would do anything for anyone, so it really grieves me to see him taken advantage of so outrageously!! And yes I sometimes wonder how it'll be if I outlive him...I fantasise about saying something like 'the ride is well and truly over', isn't that terrible!!!

If that fantasy's terrible I'm guilty as charged! If your dh is as alike to mine as he sounds, he'll have set up life insurance/trusts to insure against them all g-d forbid having to fend for themselves.

This happened with a member of dh's family. Very successful with a truck load of hangers on. He unfortunately died in an accident, and his dw cut them all loose.

Oooh!! I'm just not going to say any thing about that, or I'll be struck down dead!!! We don't even have wills, which is ridiculous, but I wouldn't be surprised if he has set up some sort of plan for them!! I'm fuming mad at a current situation pulling my hair out and feel like weeping!! Why is everything my fault, and nothing the DSC do is wrong?!

If that fantasy's terrible I'm guilty as charged! If your dh is as alike to mine as he sounds, he'll have set up life insurance/trusts to insure against them all g-d forbid having to fend for themselves

Why should they though? It might be a case of once adult, out of my sight to you, but a child doesn't stop being the child of a parent. You still want to treat them, you still want to look after them.

My OH knows that I will still want to help my children financially once they've left home. That doesn't mean throwing money at them, I am quite strict about them earning their due as they know already when it comes to pocket money, but I might want to help them with driving lessons for instance if they are also working and contributing towards the cost, or want to treat them and still take them on holiday etc... Thankfully, he totally appreciate this, the same that I totally respect the fact that he likes to care for his mum and treat her too.

I really really try to understand things from a SM perspective, but I just can't comprehend how anyone could resent their partner for wanting to care after their own children or assure they are financially if they were to pass away? Isn't it why you fell in love with them, because they have a sense of responsibility and wanting to care for the people he loves?

When my DF remarried and had another family, a long time ago, he said that his will said he had given half the house to his DW and the rest of the money would be left between all his children. When he died three years ago, I asked my SM about the will, she told me that he had left everything to her, including all his belongings.

At some point he obviously felt that my siblings and I were fine without his money. Not much to be honest and he was probably right, I did not need his money as much as his DW did. What does bother me is that my SM has told me that when she dies she is leaving everything to her kids, two of whom are not my Dads. That is when blended families get even more complicated.

On the other side, my DM told me that when she or DSF dies the money and belongings go to the other and then upon their death all the money is split between all 6 kids, they have none together. I think that is fair.

I'm sorry Swing, but we're not talking normal, ongoing care for an adult child here! I have DC and of course I have helped them financially when needed and when I could afford it, and I would do it again, always with DH's full support! If that were the case on the other side, ie, if DH saw that one of his DC needed help and offered it, I would support and applaud him. But it's not the case with one of his DC, his caring and giving nature (towards all our family) is taken unbelievably outrageous advantage of, to the point his other DC cannot believe he is incapable of controlling it! It is certainly NOT the case that I resent him making provision for his DC, but I cannot condone the continuing financial support to a level way beyond his DC's own means. That is not only disrespectful to the rest of the family, but irresponsible parenting too!

needaholidaynow I agree with you entirely. Nothing that can be done about it though, not worth the fight as far as I am concerned. It is upsetting that I have asked for a few items that used to belong to my father and she has refused to give them to me. Nothing of any value at all, just sentimental items, one a shell that we picked up on a beach when I was a child.

She is quite bonkers and I don't think even realises that she is being unfair.

Only just read the last few posts- Swingforthings I have no problem whatsoever with parents making future provision for their children. My comment was in relation to the fact that my Dh currently refuses to allow them to take any responsibility for their lives in a financial or any other way. So what I meant was that of course, when he is not here, heaven forbid they should be given a chance to do that!

Wdigin my step children are also blameless in every way and it drives me insane. Even when they fired a BB gun at our dog who had to then have a major operation and almost died, they 'didn't mean it'. I so, so understand where you are coming from.

But why resent the children? My mum had my half-sister 20 years after she had me. She raised me to be self-reliant and independent, and at times that came at a price when she refused to help me in situations when I really needed her.

Probably as a result of guilt, she raised my sister totally differently and whereas at 22 I was fully supporting myself, she is still supporting my sister at 25. She is now working, but still my mum gives her a monthly allowance, get her very expensive presents I certainly never received once, and pays for her to go on very nice holidays etc...

I certainly don't resent my sister for it though. It is my mum's choice and I respect it. It certainly doesn't mean I wish my sister didn't exist in my life. Yes I do think she is spoilt, and yes, I think it is not doing her any justice, but I appreciate that that's the relationship she has with my mum and vice versa, which is different to the one I have with my mum and also very different to the one I have with my children.

There seem to be a huge sense of resentment for these step-children because of how their father treats them. Why? Surely it is their dad's right to spoil them if he wants to, rightly or wrongly. But that's the point, there is no right or wrong, just different relationships between parents and grown up children.

Well, Swing we are talking here about grown DSC approaching early middle age, and what I resent is the character of someone who willingly and purposefully wrings as much cash as they possibly can out of their DF, on any occasion they can invent and as often as they can get away with! Consequently, their standard of living is artificially way above their own means. That is most definitely wrong, and would you not resent it?! I know perfectly well it's DH's fault, and so does he, but he will not discuss it, it's a taboo subject. His behaviour is fuelled by guilt, and DSC knows every button to push!!
Hormonal...I know how you feel too!

I would be ashamed of any child of mine who only saw their dh as a man with a wallet, never mind who's fault it is. Clearly, in most families whether step or not, if one 'child' is favoured and treated on a completely different scale to the others, it is going to cause resentment.

I would be shocked if my childrens' father Offered a ridiculous level of financial support to one of his children and not the other. So why should it be different because they are step children?

Also, Swing, is it still the dad's 'right to spoil them if he wants to' with money that is family money? To make a unilateral decision about how money is spent?