Who should have control of the TV and when?

[Bumblebee87]

I genuinely don't know the answer to this.

DSS(8) is here for the half term. It's my half term too as I'm a teacher.

I got up, put this morning on (it's a bit sad, but I love watching this morning when I'm off).

DSS comes in, sits down for a bit and seems happy. He then asks his dad if he can watch CBBC. His dad says he'll have to ask 'the boss, not that we should have to'. (I'm not sure what he meant by this, whether or not it was meant to be a joke) I feel obliged to says yes, so I do.

I just don't know how it's meant to work.

I think I just don't like the way things are handled. DSS will ask his dad, and I just feel like I can't say no, because DSS is a child, and I'm an adult.

I do find half terms hard when dss is here. I do love him, but I crave my half terms for time to myself, and I don't get that anymore.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit petty. I just find this step-parenting thing so hard sometimes.

I think you need another television, either in your bedroom or in another room downstairs. It's obvious that you will want to watch different things to an eight year old and that's the easiest way around it.

Your dh should not be making passive aggressive remarks to a child about you. that's out of order and you need to pull him up on it.

In my house,the grown ups are in charge. If the grown ups are watching something then the kids can play or do something else. You can just say no if your dss wants to watch something when you're watching something!

Can't you send him and his dad out for a boys' day out.

FWIW in my book adults choose what's on TV, always making allowances for DCs.

This exact thing happens in my house too. I'll be watching something & DSD (8) will come in & ask in a really OTT sickly way if 'please may I watch Jessie' or some other American tripe on the Disney channel, I i say no then dh makes PA remarks in front of DSD, if I say yes then she watches 5 minutes & then wanders off anyway. If I then say something like 'weren't you watching that?' She just mutters 'meh' & walks off.
Drives me mad.
I've tried to talk to DH about it but he doesn't see a problem.
It annoys me too that it's the only bloody time she ever says please. She claims she forgets every other time we pull her up on it but she doesn't forget when she wants to watch her squeaky nonsense!
Sorry op, that turned into a rant. No advice really, maybe try to talk to your DH & ask him not to call you the boss?

Thanks everyone. We did try another TV but the Ariel wasn't picking up signal on our area. DSS has one too but it doesn't have all the channels on, it's more for his Xbox.
I agree with everyone really, I'm not in any way annoyed at DSS, it's quite normal for him to want to watch CBBC over this morning I'm sure.

It's more the way my DP handled it. We never ever argue and always put each other first. Until DSS is here, and things seem to change. (Obviously I know that his DS comes first and I'm fine with that. But that seems to put at the bottom of the pile)

I love him to bits, I think he finds it hard too. But I just feel pushed to one side when DSS is here, and it's not the first time passive aggressive remarks have been made. It's so unusual though, it would never happen when DSS isn't here.

See, I literally feel like I could not say no. I don't know why. My DP wouldn't react badly, it's not that. But I think he would just be so shocked. It just wouldn't happen. I feel like I have no control whatsoever.

That should say, put me at the bottom of the pile.

Were there other things he could have done? I could understand letting him if he didn't have any toys there etc, but if he did, what's the harm in saying, "I'm watching this at the moment. You can watch TV when this programme's ended"?

Yeah he's got plenty to do here. Loads of toys, his Xbox and an iPad! So it's not that he was bored or anything.

See, saying that makes sense. I will ask my DP what he would think if I said something like that. But I want him to understand that I need his support and his backing.

You can download a free app onto a laptop or PC or tablet that would allow your DSS to watch CBBC or you to watch ITV. I've got it on my Kindle as it is handy for when my son is watching endless football on the TV in our living room.

As regards the rest of it - you sound quite hurt to be honest, and I think you should tell your DP and see if you can negotiate something around communication.

And you are certainly not the only one who has these sorts of problems.

We have this. If I get up first at the weekend and I'm watching something, as soon as SS gets up and comes into the room there is an unspoken expectation that the TV will be switched to CBeebies or whatever. If I don't automatically turn over to something child-friendly, OH will ask me to, and if I say 'no I'm watching this' then SS will just sit there not knowing what else to do with himself and complaining he's bored and and OH looks at me as if he thinks I'm being awkward or horrid although he would never say it. If SS is up first and watching something already, there is absolutely no point at all me even saying anything!

It feels to me like there is an unspoken expectation that SS will be allowed to watch whatever he wants when he's at ours as it makes life easier (i.e. he doesn't whinge), and for some reason it's more important for him to be able to watch what he wants than for me to be able to watch what I want because I'm an adult and should be able to deal with it.

Whereas the rest of the time OH and I have equal say over what goes on!

Tbh I've just given up on it - I now go back upstairs with a cup of tea and a book instead to avoid the godawful music and squeaky music that kids TV seems to entail these days.

Not the point of your post but I would've suggested he watch telly on the iPad & left you with the main telly.

Re your holidays not being your own anymore, it is tough but sounds like you are up for making the best of it. My own DSSs were out doing their own thing in the holidays by age 12 or so, so the problem will change/go away in no time at all.

It feels to me like there is an unspoken expectation that SS will be allowed to watch whatever he wants when he’s out ours as it makes life easier, and for some reason it’s more important for him to be able to watch what he wants than for me to be able to watch what I want because I’m an adult and should be able to deal with it.

Whereas the rest of the time OH and I have equal say over what goes on!

I could have written this. If it was just me and OH in the house, we would be two equal stakeholders. But bring DSS into the equation, and the whole thing changed …. Rather than DSS integrating into the household on access weekends, OH’s remit was to ensure DSS had the best “guest experience” possible, thus guaranteeing he’d want to keep visiting. So on most access weekends, DSS would take over the lounge and the remote control. OH couldn’t understand why I took refuge upstairs.

I reckon this is a classic example of an issue that would either rarely/never arise or would be resolved simply if the children were biological rather than step.

When I first met DSD, she was always invited to choose the films we watched at weekends. Without fail she chose a sickly animation that she (and often we) had already seen several times. DH was a bit Disney in those days and would do anything she asked. But even he got sick of the same films over and over, plus numerous episodes of Arthur etc. so things gradually changed. If I didn't want to watch I just absented myself (like you, Petal).

Now, if I am watching something and DSD comes in and sits down I would probably keep watching it providing it was age-appropriate. Mostly, she comes in with a book and sits down to read, which is great. And prompts me to leave her in peace or read myself.

Petal, your 'guest experience' comment will probably be familiar to many. Maybe you could put it to your OH that DSS is not a guest and should be made to feel at home, not on holiday and therefore not in control of the TV

DSS is now away at uni. But prior to that, DH was so desperate to be 'favourite parent' that DSS had all the 'make yourself at home' privileges associated with a resident child, plus all the perks of visitor status too. It really didn't work well. I kept telling DH to decide if DSS were either a member of the household or a visitor, rather than cherry-picking the best bits out of each category.

Step-parenting is a minefield of situations like this! I'm SM and SGM and when DH's first grandchild was young, we used to have her overnight a lot. If ever the situation came up where she wanted to have/do things she knew she was not allowed, she'd always 'pretty please' to DH, who would promptly say, 'Oh, you'd better ask Grandma' (me) knowing full well she wasn't allowed, but desperately not wanting to have to say no and be the bad guy!! It's totally unacceptable behaviour from grown men who should know better, and you really need to nip this in the bud and sort out a TV in another room, before you become the wicked witch in this scenario!

When DSD pays for the telly she can pick the channel.

Usually we enjoy watching things she enjoys, and she is a considerate person who compromises but the adults get the ultimate say.

It seems worth telling your oh his comments actually upset you. Don't spoil his kids though it won't make them better people. They should be asked to respect you.

2nd TV or you tell dad you'd like him to say "sm is watching TV at the moment. if you ask her a bit later I'm sure she won't mind but ask her yourself"
When it's constantly put back on you it makes you the bad guy all the time when the answer in your situation was obvious - If an adult is watching TV a kid doesn't get to come in and turn it over. Bonkers.
Also, when the step child always asks dad to tell you things or ask you things you end up in a scenario where dad is in charge and the two of you are the children, fighting for his support.

2nd TV or you tell dad you'd like him to say "sm is watching TV at the moment. if you ask her a bit later I'm sure she won't mind but ask her yourself"
When it's constantly put back on you it makes you the bad guy all the time when the answer in your situation was obvious - If an adult is watching TV a kid doesn't get to come in and turn it over. Bonkers.
Also, when the step child always asks dad to tell you things or ask you things you end up in a scenario where dad is in charge and the two of you are the children, fighting for his support.

We have this too. I just absent myself and have a tv in my room. DH always looks sad when I leave but apparently not sad enough to ever tell DSD to change the channel!

It's time-dependent for us. I let the kids have first digs on the TV from 7:30am - 7pm (don't get me wrong, they don't watch TV for 11+ hours a day but if the TV's on between those hours, it's pretty always kids' channels). I tend to watch the news first thing and don't even think about looking at the TV again until the kids are in bed (we send all of ours to their rooms around 7pm - little ones go to sleep, older ones can read / play with their iPads until lights out). We haven't let our kids have TV's in their rooms yet but DS has a screen in his room for his Nintendo which also plays DVDs so occasionally at the weekends we'll let him and DSD watch a movie together once the little ones have gone to bed.

I've disabled the Disney Channel on our SKY box. I can't stand the American tripe either.

When I was that age, the adults ruled the roost and they set the rules. These days, kids don't seem to like being told anymore.

I don't see why it should be different in a step - house hold than in a RP .

Who ever is watching first continues to watch. It's that simple.

BUT adults should come first in the house hold. I've never put my kids needs to watch cartoons ect over mine if it's somthing I was desperate to watch.

I don't see why it should be different in a step - house hold than in a RP

It's different because the DCs can vote with their feet and leave/refuse to go if they don't like the house rules at their NRP house.
A lot of stepparents, just like the OP, are living with DPs who are terrified of never seeing their DCs, and so will do almost anything to placate and appease them.