wet clothes!!!

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

We get dps kids thru the week and every second weekend and more often than not we get sent over soaking wet clothes for is to dry for the next day. This is near impossible I. The winter as we have no tumble drier. (She does!) She also works part time so I don't see a reason why the clothes can't be dried.

Do pays enough maintnce to cover clothes etc and their arrangement was for their mum to send clothes over. We have bought the kids clothes in the past but for whatever reason they refuse to wear them and they become outgrown.

Is it UN reasonable of me to expect clean dry clothes for the kids every 2nd weekend?

We also get kids thru the week every week for 2 or 3 nights but usually in school uniform so we can rarely go anywhere as dp Hayes taking kids out in school uniform.

It sounds like it's almost a 50:50 split the number of days they are at your and their mums house?

I'd say the same - tell them their dad is ordering clothes, there's the budget, chose what they want. If they refuse then don't give up your lives for it. Dog walk, go to supermarket, out in evenings etc. The DCs will eventually accept new clothes or get mum to send appropriate ones. There are times when the DCs need to be considered in a split and times they just have to make the right choice because it's right - eg wearing correct clothes.

Fedupbutfine... So would you send wet clothes everytime your child visited their other parent? I don't think it's too much to ask that dry clothes are sent over. Especially when it's so hard to get them dry in this weather.

Miss hj yes that's me. But when she is here she is happy to talk to me talk about clothes etc. She genuinely seems ok with me. But that could be the issue. But when dp suggests taking her shopping she just laughs and thinks its a bit embarrassing.

I think you are all mostly right. We need to get clothes here and tell them it's wet clothes or dry clothes.

Maybe its a bit judgemental of me to assume she has the time to do this but I'm also sure there are more dry clothes that could have been sent.

It's just frustrating. I would never dream of sending kids to their parents with wet clothes.

Trip to primark next time they are here I think (for dp and kids) I'll go for a coffee and wait

Personally, I would never send my children to their father's house with a bag of clothes. He's their parent, he can deal with what they wear when they are with him. I would be very pissed off if my ex and his partner seemed to believe I was their housemaid and should do as they say. I would be questioning his parenting skills if he said to me 'the children won't wear the clothes I buy them so you need to send some for them'. I am not particularly passive-aggressive, however, and would tell him to his face rather than send him wet washing but it probably amounts to the same thing.

She is making a point. You probably need to work out what the point is. I suspect it's to do with feeling that she really shouldn't be expected to do everything for the children even when they're not with her. Or she's dreadfully disorganised and is struggling to get her washing dried for the time she needs it. So work out the clothes issue when they're at your house and just ask her to stop sending clothes at all and the job's done.

Well I have suggested that. But it's not up to me what their arrangement is.

It just frustrates the hell out of me that 1. This is the arrangement - that she send over clothes and 2. she has agreed to this arrangement but sends over wet clothes.

I don't think of her as a housemaid to me. Far from it infact.

Maybe I just shouldn't let it bother me and just be grateful i have clean dry clothes to wear and stuff everyone else!!!

Ok so if their clothe are wet, they can't wear them, if they won't wear clothes you provide what do they wear? It's a simple answer in my eyes op but I know you are probably just trying to keep the peace.

Of course it is done to wind you up. Don't fall for it. Open the bag, see the wet clothes, close the bag, get on with stuff.

Funky that made me laugh a little. Think I need to take that approach to a lot of stuff.
It just means I'll be doing more stuff on my own. If they have wet clothes and refuse to wear ours then I'm going out with or without them. Do can stay home and deal with it. Usually I'm the one who stays home and deals with it but not my kids not my problem really. Just wish dp would do something about it thiughm. Although I know it's about picking battles. Maybe this is one he doesn't feel he needs to fight.

I expect even though mum has decided this is the arrangement she wants she has maybe started to resent it. Thinking about it further she sends wet but clean clothes and gets yet more dirty clothes back.

Would it work and DCs engage more if DH spoke to the mum and said - it must be hard work for you always getting the dirty clothes end of the deal. I'll get some for DCs to have here or let's split up the wardrobe as they spend a lot of time here and each take responsibility. Same with uniform - split between 2 and each responsible.
I wouldn't use the hard to dry excuse because you obviously have to dry yours and DHs.

Fwiw - if that does happen check out local laundrette (self service ones). I drive 3 miles to mine with a large ikea bad full of wet clothes and pay 50p for 8 minutes of tumble. It costs me about £1.50 to dry 5 loads of washing - including bedding and towels!

He won't do anything about it if you always sort it.

Do not run around to laundrettes in a blind panic drying the clothes!

If the child is fussy about clothes - maybe these are her favourite ones and the mum can't get them clean and dry all the time?

I didnt mean the wet ones she sent! I meant if they end up with agreement of different sets at different houses - because she said drying is difficult. It won't get easier if suddenly there is more washing!

Youarekiddingme - I know what you mean about us drying out clothes but ours are on a constant route of washing/drying so we always have something. Also we got clothes yesterday soaking wet to dry and put on today. It's not fair on the kids or us. But I accept the point that she constantly send over clean to get back dirty. I'm more than happy to send back clean clothes but dp refuses to do it for some reason. I might say to him that it's a bit crap she sends clean clothes and get ba k dirty ones. Maybe we should wash their Friday/Sat clothes to return on Sunday. Then it would just become normal/ expected that wet clothes need to do the rounds sometimes. I never actually thought of it that way. Thanks for pointing that out. Xx

Do you have radiators? Surely you can just hang the clothes over your radiators (or storage heaters or open fire or whatever heating you have) and they will dry overnight. Most cloths, especially flimsy summery clothes don't take that long to dry when on a radiator.

As far as I have always been concerned they are the kids clothes, whoever bought them and whoever's house they happen to be in. My DD has favourite clothes and they will make their way back and forth from each house. Occasionally she has come back with wet clothes or even taken something wet as she has been so keen to wear it and I have not dried it yet.

Maybe if you buy her clothes and they are seen as different to the clothes her mother buys her then she does feel a bit disloyal wearing them.

As other PP have said, get her to chose some clothes and she can decide where she wears them.

How old are the kids? Can they not take responsibility for packing their own weekend clothes.

Clothes do seem to be an area of conflict in a lot of separated famliies - I've never quite worked out why, though?

You only need to read MN to see that there a widely differing views on what is acceptable and what causes offence.
I've read posts from resident mums who are pissed off because their ex has no clothes for the DCs, others who are happy to send clothes but resent the ex not doing the laundry, and others who get mad because the ex (or his DW) provides clothes and washes them but uses the wrong powder or softener or doesn't like the fact that they "smell" of ex's house.

Unless the OPs DH and his ex both know what each other expect in relation to clothes, then it is inevitable that there will be resentment and conflict. The DCs may be reacting to their Mums opinions, or they may be playing their parents off against each other. Without communication, this will never be resolved.

Does their mum know they have refused to wear clothes he buys? If she doesn't, then that in combination with your last post of her always getting dirty clothes back will be exactly why she is sending wet things.

I' think you dh should make sure she knows that he has bought things, they just don't wear them. Plus he should be doing some washing for them, at least she is doing half the job for him of getting things washed.

Notice I say your dh, neither you nor his ex need to be responsible for his responsibilities.

We get sent a bag of dirty clothes pretty often, with the message that Ex is too busy to wash them. And we are not, of course. Sometimes these arrive at 6pm on a weeknight and need washing and drying for next morning as they are needed for school.

DSD has lots of clothes here and is happy to wear them so getting sent dirty laundry, if it's not urgent, is just as odd as if it is urgent.

When Ex's washing machine broke it was more understandable but the huge bags of washing kept coming for about 7 weeks. At one point I was expecting her laundry, too! It was made additionally mysterious by the fact she lives across the street from a good laundrette but who knows why these things happen.

OP, if your DSCs are not wearing clothes you buy while at yours out of loyalty to their mother, how do they think she will know about it? I'd go with the advice of several here - wet clothes or our clothes - especially if the ones being sent are not even weather-appropriate.

OP, if your DSCs are not wearing clothes you buy while at yours out of loyalty to their mother, how do they think she will know about it?

In high conflict situations, it is often enough for DCs just to know that "mum wouldn't like it" to create anxiety - even if, logically, there is no way that "mum" could find out.
Often, DCs caught in the middle of their parents will feel obligated to "tell" one parent about the apparent transgressions of another (Dad let me stay up late/watch a 12 movie/drink coke), or to confess that they did something in order to absolve themselves of the guilt (I'm sorry Mum, I know you won't like it, but Dad made me)

In extreme cases (which occasionally have been described here in MN) a hostile parent will give the DCs the impression that they are being monitored when not with them "now, remember what I told you about not wearing your dads clothes, and I'll know if you do, cos I've got friends that live nearby".

I'm not suggesting the OPs situation is that bad, but her DPs desire not to rock the boat, coupled with the ex's unusual behaviour (sending the DCs with wet clothes) indicates that it isnt completely amicable.

I've always found his ex tries to be awkward and make things hard. But maybe she thinks the same about us.

I think the kids just feel like they are betraying their mum by wearing our clothes or having fun here. Which is understandable. Step parenting and step families are relatively new to me so not quite sure what acceptable on both sides. So I take on what you are all saying.

Like a few of you say wet clothes or our clothes is maybe the way to go.

Xx