Good or bad I always lose!!

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

Ours was good. We were kid free for most of it. But we were ment to have dsd and dss at the weekend. This didn't happen because apparantly dsd doesn't want to come over.

Apparantly I always shout at her and give her and her brother a row for anything.

On Xmas day the dog was in their room (he's not allowed and kids know this) dog is still young so quite nippy hence why not allowed in room or alone with kids. But he was in their room. Dsd was screaming at dog for mouthing and stealing her socks. I was pisses off and shouted at the dog to get out not dsd the dog. This transpired to me bawling at her and her cousin heard it all as she was on face time.

This all turned into an argument with dp and his ex about how I shouldn't be disciplining the kids. But dp has always said if he ain't there then I can tell them off.

But it seems that dsd is going back to mum telling her I do all the shouting etc. I am sure it's just her way of being close to her mum ie if she botched about me her mum will like her more.

But it never goes back that I made night before Xmas boxes or sat and watched movies, played with her hair done her nails baked cakes etc.

It just annoys me that no matter how nice I am it causes a fight with dp and the ex. because I am always made out as the bad guy.

So tonight apparantly I was quite nippy with dss. I do t know what I said but dp pulled me up for it. He couldn't even remember!!! I'm like well if I'm being portrayed as the bad guy then I might as well make it true. (I know that's the wrong attitude but I've tried being the good guy doing the fun stuff and I'm still a bitch)

And I know it's prob their mum making it worse than it is but I feel bad because dp is missing out on the kids because of all of this. I have offered to go away the weekends we have the kids but he told me not to be silly.

I could actually cry. I've done and tried everything. What next??

Actually perhaps your dp needs to distance himself from the ex - why is she phoning and complaining to him? Why isn't he telling her that she needs to put complaints in writing? Then he can ignore the 99% of tell tales that is going on.

Turn towards the better, and away from what is not desirable.

It's that simple.

If it were that simple, then there would be no need for the multimillion £ industry that is parenting advice and support, child social workers would be out of a job, and every child would be living a utopian childhood.

It's hard enough parenting your own DCs, but being expected to tolerate the moods, foibles and downright unpleasantness of someone else's DCs is anything but "simple". I dispair at my DDs behaviour sometimes - her stepmum is a gem to put up with it!

Dismissing the commitment and effort of stepmums like the OP is disrespectful and ungrateful - I'm thankful on a daily basis that my DD has a stepmum who is prepared to stick with it, and not give up when the going gets tough. If she loses it now and again, despite doing her best, then that teaches DD a valuable lesson, too.

Peruvian - you totally hit it on the head for me.

I just wish there was an easy solution to the problem.

It seems like dsd is saying to mum what she thinks she wants to hear and same at dads.

Not much we can really do I guess.

it's not easy, but it is simple.

If you continue to put yourself first, it is impossible.

Leaving the thread now, not comfortable where it's excused to verbally abuse yours/each other's children.

Leaving the thread now, not comfortable where it's excused to verbally abuse yours/each other's children.

If you believe that sarcasm and bluntness is verbal abuse then MN probably isn't the forum for you.

As the victim of child abuse myself, the casual way in which the term is thrown around is offensive. If the OP was yelling vitriolic insults at her DSC every day, that would be abuse.
Sarcastically reminding a DC to carry out whatever action they have been expected to do every day and told about of several times already is called being human.

Hey OP,

I just wanted to say that I can completely understand where you are coming from. I would guess that people like jackydanny either do not have DSCs or if they do, it's one of those rare situations where both sets of parents are best friends... I've never met any of those myself, by the way!

I have two DSSs who are teenagers. We've been in each other's lives for almost 7 years. They are with us approx. one third of the time, so spend quite a significant amount of time under our roof. In that situation, it is impossible (in my opinion) to stay out of the parenting of the DSCs completely, or to ask your DH to fight every battle for you. You need to be able to be yourself in your own home - that's not at all unreasonable.

Having said that, I have not found a way to prevent my DSSs from telling stories about me / DH / our life to their mum when they feel like it; and as teenagers, they quite enjoy stirring things up when DH and I are being 'unreasonable' (e.g. asking them to clean their rooms, do their homework, study for exams, take a shower to counteract extreme teenage smelliness... ). I've also not found a way to stop the mum from calling up yelling obscenities. But a few things helped make the situation more bearable:

• When we first got together, DH was trying too hard to keep the peace with his Ex. She felt that she could call up at any time of day or night to tell him off for this, that and the other. Over time, DH has actively put a stop to her intrusive behaviour and we only get shouty phone calls very rarely now. By 'actively', I mean that he had to bluntly and repeatedly tell her that he did not care for her opinion and that our life together was none of her business. It caused a short war, but life is much much better now that's over.

• DH will never, ever, contradict anything I say to the DSS. Even if he secretly disagrees. We'll then argue that out behind closed doors. We show a united front when the DSS are here.

• We always stop the DSS when they want to tell stories about their mum or refuse to comment / show what we think about it. We won't be provoked to say, 'Your mum is wrong', 'Your mum shouldn't have done that', 'I'll call your mum to tell her off', etc. We actively tell them that we think it's wrong for one household to judge the other - 'Different houses, different rules' is said a lot here. It takes the wind right out of their sails.

• My sarcasm and bluntness are a running joke in the family by now. If I overstep the mark / am too blunt, I now get comments like, 'Ooooh, harsh...' - and then we can talk about it more calmly, or laugh about how evil I am. But that only works as they're a bit older now - but you could try to be open about your temper with them and ask them to tell you when they think you're a bit too mean to them. Encourage open communication.

Sorry about the essay - I do hope things get better for you! In the meantime, generally helps...

Changing name thanks for the advice.

I certainly do not yell obsecenities at the kids. (I like their mum who I have heard more than once and for no reason).

I'm glad its not just me that has to live withthis feeling. Poor dp is stuck in the middle sometimes. We have decided that between us, rather than say in front of the kids, we tell each other once they 're in bed, if either of us has gone too far with a row or how we have spoken to the kids. This way we can both work on how we deal with situations. in the last few days this has worked. He has chinned me for something and I to him.

I def think dsd is playing parents off one another so I have come to resolution that if I keep doing what I can to be the best I canbe at step parenting.

When it comes to open communication for the kids and us - they come across cheeky but that's because they say things when they have been given a row. Rather than waiting an hour or 2 then coming to us and saying why is it like this or how come you said that? Maybe this is something me and dp can start to encourage. That way we find out what's going on in their wee minds.

Step parenting is a bloody minefield!!

I just wanted to say I totally understand what you're going through, I've experienced similar things.
This summer we took the children on holiday, had a fabulous time, to quote them: ''best holiday ever''. And then on the last day they were tired so misinterpreted something that happened and something I said and went home telling their Mum about it and made a mountain out of a mole hill. I was really upset by it, thinking 'why do I bother?' We had spent a fortune on them, I put so much effort in to planning, buying them holiday clothes, packing, entertaining them blah blah and it felt like it had all been thrown in my face by them telling tales to their Mum.

I do agree that some amount of detachment is good but I try and see it more as just being confident in myself, my parenting and my rules. I try my best, as long as i know I am doing my best then that is fine with me.
I honestly believe that when the kids are older they look back on their childhoods and appreciate what DH and I are doing for them.

Speak to your DH, decide together how you want the dynamics of your family to work. I think if the children know that you are not ''allowed'' to discipline them then they will abuse it and know that they can just run telling tales on you when they don't get their own way. I think regardless of how you go about it, the important thing is that they learn to respect you.

I would say that I try and stay out of disciplining my DSC but there is a line and if they cross it then I will speak up. It is my (and DH's) home and I will not just sit back and let them disrespect me or my home. I am fair.

I also have the same problem with you, I have a dry, sarcastic sense of humour which kids often don't get. I just try to be aware of it and try to be all nicey-nicey with them and try to avoid sarcasm. If I am sarcastic and I think they didn't understand it then I try and explain what I meant.
These little things have really made a difference and I would say things have really improved lately, especially with DSD, we've become pretty close lately.

I realised a few months ago that my dsc are very sensitive to what I say and do, if I slightly raise my voice they get a bit scared, where as they probably wouldn't bat an eye lid if their Mum or Dad raised their voice a bit. It's because they know their Mum and Dad love them but they're not so certain about step-mums. So if you can work on building a stronger relationship with your DSC you may notice they will become to trust you more and you raising your voice a bit won't be such a big deal.

Prosecco - thank you. This is exactly what I face daily. And will definitely take on your advice. xx