DSS and wedding night

[FaithLoveandGrace]

Hi all, just wondering what you did with DCs on wedding night? Our wedding is a while away yet but we're thinking about what to do. DSS (who will be 5 at our wedding) will be with us from the day before our wedding until a week later. DP wants us to find someone to look after DSS overnight after the reception until we pick him up the next morning. I'm not too sure though. DP's parents will get totally wasted on the night and tbh I wouldn't trust them to look after DSS so they're out of the question. We could ask my parents (my Mum doesn't drink) but DP's parents will flip their lid if they know we've asked someone else. I'm half tempted to say we'll just go home and bring him back with us instead of booking into a hotel without him. Any thoughts on how to handle it?

Very good point that a wedding is something planned well in advance and hardly constitutes a last minute request for the children to stay with their mother.

It does often work best for children to be cared for by someone at the wedding themselves, who can best judge when they need to get to bed, so for those with friendly exes who'll be at the wedding then that can be a good option, but not if your ex wouldn't want to be there. It was something we considered, but DH's ex declined the invite for the evening, so wouldn't really have worked to ask her to come and pick them up. In the end they stayed at the wedding venue, like we did, though they're old enough to sleep in rooms on their own - we had our room to ourselves.

But I don't think this debate about whether it's the mother's duty/right to have the DCs is a lot of use to the OP though is it? She's already said the mum lives too far away, and presumably she wants her DSS at the wedding itself.

If you are not too worried about the actual wedding night, and it is likely to cause bad feeling at the wedding if your parents look after DSS, is it worth taking him home with you that night, then having your "wedding night" a week later once he is back with his Mum?

Peruvian- sorry my planned cancelled arrangements were centred around going to a funeral on the Friday - which I did and was having a few drinks after, it had been bloody hard and memorial service/party which was going on for most of Saturday.

have no issue with the OP, she is thinking ahead, it was the idiot who suggested that of course the DM should have the child.

Like I said - you proved my point

We are getting married next year and I have to say that it wouldn't occur to me to get rid of the children for our wedding night. I can't think of any polite way to ask people to take them!

They are your new family - it seems a bit like rejecting them by celebrating being a new family and then shunting them off to someone else a few hours later!

I'd save the romance for another weekend. :)

onthedoorstep it's not about rejecting him. As I've already said I have no issue with him being there that night but DP thought it'd be good to have a night to ourselves. He very much is and always will be a part of our family. As we don't have children together I can't say how I'd feel about asking GP to look after my bio child on our wedding night, but I can't imagine my feelings being any different than how it is with DSS.

Peruvian you mentioned dealing with your DC's conflicting emotions surrounding the wedding. Do you think that's common or was it just the way their DF dealt with things? DSS's mum and dad split when he was a few months old and then DP and I got together when he was around 18 months old. I think he's pretty used to the two separate family units; DP him & I as one family unit and then his DM her partner, him and his baby brother (half brother) as another. The last thing we want is him feeling conflicted about the wedding but we're hoping as we've been together for a few years and we got together when he was very young he won't see the wedding as a huge conflicting issue.

it was the idiot who suggested that of course the DM should have the child.

whatever I find it incredibly insulting that you refer a poster as an idiot when they have reasonably suggested that a DCs mother should be given the option of caring for her own DCs rather than drunken grandparents, or other distant relatives. It may not suit you - but a lot of mothers like me are fighting tooth and nail to be able to fulfil that role in their DCs lives and prevent their DCs being sent away by the other parent when they are perfectly capable and available,

I have no doubt that my DDs stepmum shares your view and encourages DDs dad not to inconvenience me when he is unable to care for her as planned. Of course, outbursts like yours, suggesting that anyone who thinks that what I expect to happen is reasonable is and idiot, only reinforces their position.

You may be happy to be sidelined in your DCs lives - but I will always put my DD first.

And if I has a flaky ex like yours, I certainly wouldn't expect to be able to spend a night drinking without interruption - it's crap, but as you know he's a crap parent, you have a choice whether to compensate for his inadequacies or leave your DCs to suffer when he fails.

Peruvian you mentioned dealing with your DC's conflicting emotions surrounding the wedding. Do you think that's common or was it just the way their DF dealt with things?

My DD was older, but she did struggle with the fact that her Dad was making the same promises to her SM that he had made to me, and they weren't kept; cynically, she thought it was a lot of fuss for something that may not last! I don't think it helped that they had, as a couple, been through a rough patch in the months leading up to the wedding; she's witnessed argue Ents and shouting and couldn't understand why they wanted to get married at all, really!

And, of course, all children secretly wish their parents were together, and remarriage is a big blow to that.

at rejecting children by wanting your wedding night (that's night, not ceremony or reception).
I bet our dc ages 12, 11, and 8 would have loved sharing a room with us!

Perhaps I should start saving for their therapy now as they didn't come on the honeymoon either?

How odd. You're getting married but dps parents would think it odd brides parents might baby sit for you....?

They do know there's other grandparents now... Right?!?

Fwiw I like the "welcome x into family" party idea.

Thanks all. peruvian I can understand her confliction in that case. DP and his ex were never married and tbh I'm not sure how much DSS understands about marriage. Thankfully he very rarely hears us argue so he doesn't have to deal with that conflict either :)

boomtown - nope, they don't accept my parents as DSS's grandparents even though my parents have always treated him like their grandson :( they think they're the most important people in DSS's life and whilst yes they are very important, there are other important people that he loves too. Hopefully they'll get used to the idea though, especially when we have children together and they see my parents treating them exactly the same!

How odd. You're getting married but dps parents would think it odd brides parents might baby sit for you....?

Not all StepGParents have that kind of relationship with their DSGC - and not all grandparents welcome that kind of relationship between their DGC and their sons second wife's parents.

The conflicted and often strained relationships between ILaws, and wider family members in step-situations are often discussed here on MN and have been included in several self-help books. Often, the expectations of one party vary significantly from the expectations of another - and resentment is the inevitable result.
No one model is right or wrong, and nothing is "odd" as long as it works for everyone.

Peruvian - you need to read what I have written, before writing such sanctimonious crap.

My point is when asked to cover a wedding, big event in the other family and the EX refuses - it puts a huge amount of guilt and pressure on the EX - clearly expressed on here - about why wouldn't she want to for her DCS etc etc etc.

I have never said it was unreasonable to ask - just the expectiations on the EX are sometimes overwhelming.

Before have the cheek to accuse me of being happy to be sidelined in my DCs life -read my posts. 14 ONs in 365 last year, this year will end with 8 ONs, so any suggestion of being sidelined is pathetic.

"I certainly wouldn't expect to be able to spend a night drinking without interruption" - I am sitting here wondering whether you are for real. I am not allowed a life, because my EX and his DP are useless - ergo my first comment on here -that the EX is not on standby for the new family to mop up there social life.

Give me a break - I had two glasses of wine after going to the cremation of my best friend who I met on my first day at nursery, we went to infants, secondary and uni together. Your final response is offensive

Personally think the OP should ask DPs parents if not up for it, no reason why hers can not if they are happy and as a Mum would be happy with that - the EXs new DPs parents are lovely, having met them on many occasions.

My point is when asked to cover a wedding, big event in the other family and the EX refuses - it puts a huge amount of guilt and pressure on the EX - clearly expressed on here - about why wouldn't she want to for her DCS etc etc etc.

Nope - still don't get it. Why would I, as DDs mum, refuse to cover - when what that cover actually means is caring for my own DCs?
Sorry, don't get it. I'll always put DD first when she needs me - before work, before my social life, and yes, if necessary, before my best friends wake, who would support me in that choice.

If your Ex is flaky, then relying on him at such a critical time in your own life was shortsighted. You knew he was unreliable, yet decided that you'd rely on him, and rather than put backup plans in place, and are now complaining that he behaved entirely predictably. He's clearly a disappointment to you as a father, but you can't turn the clock back, or change him, all you can do is adapt your own behaviour to accomodate his shortcomings - or accept that your DCs are going to be left in the lurch sometimes.

Your responses beggar belief - you criticise me for going to a funeral and having two drinks and not anticipating that my EX would pull something. There were back up plans in place if he did not turn up, just had not planned for the, take them, have them for a few hours then dump them scenario!!!!! But then I also did not plan in case, one of them died, got struck down with ebola, went bankrupt, were made homeless, there was a severe storm, the electricity went out, the world ended etc - when do I stop pre empting every move. On your assumptions - I better not take a crap, incase EX needs to phone me and get me to take over, incase I miss the phone call.

I look after, feed, clothe, love, organise, comfort my DCs, every day of the year - including the days they are with their father and phone me and cry down the phone. To imply that if I refuse, to care for my child , for someone elses convenience, not my own - then I am a piss poor mother is ridiculous. Your DC does not need you, it needs their other parent to do the job properly.

Not sure how you can see yourself in the mirror, your shining halo must blind you.

You may be happy to be sidelined in your DCs lives - but I will always put my DD first

wow. And you call whatever 'bitter'.

Some people's relationships are so difficult with their ex's that putting the children first means minimum contact, accepting whatever arrangements are in place and working with them at all times. It is not, ever, unreasonable that a parent with the majority of care should be able to rely on an ex partner to parent their children on a regular and fair basis. Nor is it unreasonable to expect a 'night off' to mean just that and to be able to have a drink or two or get totally pissed up without there being a fair chance of having to retrieve the children because the ex can't cope/wants to pursue their own social life/couldn't make other arrangements. For some of us, flexibility isn't an option because it allows control and abuse to creep in and that is very damaging for children to both witness and experience.

Accusing other forum members of not putting their children first because their experiences are different to yours is very...low, I feel.

Wow this escalated! I'd like to think (perhaps rather naively) that all on here are simply trying to do their best for their DCs and DSCs and we must remember that what works for one family (I.e. Asking the ex) doesn't always work for another family (ie not asking the ex). Neither family is wrong as long as it works for all parties involved :)

whatever - I'm so sorry to hear about your friend :( fwiw I see no issue with having a glass or two of wine in this instance.

Accusing other forum members of not putting their children first because their experiences are different to yours is very...low, I feel.

Which is exactly what whatever did - referring to the scenario where one parent asks the other for flexibility as "finding their own DCs inconvenient" and the parent being asked as "bailing the other out". Both which imply that the DCs are not coming first. No mention of her own experience - just a blanket representation of the feelings of all mothers whose ex's want to change arrangements.

I'm more than willing to concede that all circumstances are different - but when someone attempts to speak on behalf of all mothers, then I will challenge if I don't agree.

Huband's ex took kids, who were 10 to 14, home with her and we had night to ourselves. She was a guest at the wedding though so that probably makes a difference! I see absolutely no reason why a couple shouldn't try and have a wedding night on their own if that's what they want and also if there is someone responsible and happy to take the kid (s). Having some time on you own as a couple doesn't make you bad parents...

Not only did my ex expect me to take the DCs on his wedding night- he wanted me to drive 40 miles to pick them up

Which I did, happily. I had felt really excluded as it was the first big event in their lives that I hadn't been part of. I was really envious hearing about the dress fittings (they were bridesmaids/flower girls) and THE dress and the specially made favours. It was actually quite nice to pick them up and get their story of the day while it was fresh in their minds and they were still excited. And it was lovely to see them in their dresses with their hair done etc.

Not sure I could have coped with being a guest at his wedding though - that does take a lot of guts! (I crapped out of going into the reception, one of our friends brought the girls out to me )

This is quite a big event for the child as well, and one they will remember into adulthood. The adults involved should be doing their best to make sure the child(ten) are included and not seen as inconveniences to be dealt with.

Wow CLJ52 expecting you to drive 40 miles is absurd! Fair enough if he merely enquires and you're absolutely fine with it, but to just expect it is incredibly rude.

Do you think from the point of view of including DSS it would be better to just take him home with us? We're leaning more towards not staying in a hotel anyway so it wouldn't be too much of a big deal to take him home with us. Would never want him to think he's an inconvenience - he's really not!

Op, you sound lovely. But if at all possible I'd try and get your wedding night to yourselves. It's the only one you'll get.