Teen DSC treating DH quite badly

[daisychainmail]

Dh has two older children in their teens. They live with their mum a few hours drive away and visit about once a month. Though they are pleasant when here they are really quite odd with DH about contact. Among other things they:

1. Can't be bothered to come to the phone when he calls / don't answer their mobiles or call back.
2. Won't answer email / texts
3. Often decide not to visit at short notice
4. Have never sent birthday / xmas / fathers day things for DH (let alone me or our toddler, their half-sibling)
5. Occasionally send texts asking DH to buy them expensive gifts (this has really ramped up for xmas)

I feel really sorry for them and I always try to do the right thing, i.e. am very kind to them when they're here and always encourage him to keep trying, and I always make them a little birthday party each with cake and put together fun presents and so on. At the end of the day their mother has not encouraged them to value their relationship with DH. They are not angry at him about anything and there hasn't been an argument. Does anyone have any experience of this? It's hard because for all the tiptoeing round, if they were my kids I would be furious.

Yes, maybe basgetti. Well I guess we just continue as we are and hope things enter a new phase as they reach independence.

Yeah, he's always been a very hands on dad and good at doing caring things.

they are taking the piss then and need to be told.

WE do not know what they are like at other home - but yes they are angry or resent the parents in their lives.

10 yrs Mum and Dad together
Mum left - abandoned them - in their minds
Dad stepped up and looked after them - v good
Few years later, Mum wants them back and Dad gives them to the person who abandoned them - BAD in their minds - rejected again.
Dad finds new partner and has new DC (good for him - why shouldn't he, - BAD for them feel rejected again) - feel abandoned again

Now teenagers and are just being teenagers but with an undercurrent of insecurity.

Not your fault - but their perspective

I'm not so sure it's necessarily like that, or has to be. They haven't had it that bad -- my childhood was much worse. Also if I was angry at someone I'd have an outburst. They're not like that, but not meek either. But I agree that they probably see DH as a relative rather than a parent. He doesn't make any parenting decisions now.

I could have written your post Daisy as we are in exactly the same situation. Both girls, one 15, one 19 and both act exactly as you describe. They can be thoughtless and rude, selfish and catty, we've been putting it down to the teenage years and hoping its just normal teen behaviour. We were hoping that the eldest would have changed a bit having gone to uni and in fairness some things have got better but some things have got worse. Sibling rivalry has massively intensified, she is quite patronising to everyone telling people how things are (bless her she does come out with some corkers that we have to suppress a smile at!). They never send him a birthday card or fathers day card, but always give it too him late. I would like to say it gets better but I'm not sure. DH is convinced that when they are older one will stay in touch, the other wont unless she wants something. To be honest though, I think this is common in a lot of families,step or 'together' and is part of family dynamics.

Incidentally, my step dad (who raised his girls when their mum ran off with another man) hardly gets any communication from his daughters. They treat him like a distant relative yet fawn all over their mother, its quite sad really given that he was the one who was there for them when they needed him.

It is not a competition for badness!

But that may well be their reality - his actions now have no consequneces for them