At my wits end...

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

DSD (10) is being a total nightmare and I really dunno how much more I can take.

I know its normal (pre) teen behaviour but the way she speaks o me and her dad is shocking. You ask her to do something and your met wih cheek and back chat.

Recently i felt dp wasnt spending enough time woth her as he spebds alot of time wirh her brother. So i had suggested he take her somewhere this weekend. so we told her and it was dependant on behaviour etc. I know he will prob still take her but i dont think she deserves it.

Im getting to the stage where or weekends with the kids are making me miserable.

I feel like i am constantly moaning about something because the kids havent done this or that. Or they cant find stuff or the need me to wipe their arses (slight exaggeration) for them.

Said to dp i was going to start going to my mums the weekends we have the kids and he was not impressed.

I know i am highly strung but any advice how to handle this would be great (although if i hear detachmrnt i might flip)

X

My phone is a bugger and giving me typos so i apologise. x

I think a dad who puts the time and energy into one child, and not the other leaves something to be desired; no matter how much he has tried, as a parent, you can't throw up your hands and go sod this, I am off to do something easier (take ds to football training). He is relying on the fact that you are there for his DD, while he is spending time with ds. Dd (understandably) takes her resentment out on you.

All you are left with, and this is where you are at, is trying to build some bridges with DD, and fill in the gap. It is a sticking plaster, rather than fixing the cause.

I don't think posters are getting at you at all, more at the dynamic here. I think you are doing something to break the cycle and that is good. I used to take my DSD out myself now and then, and she would tell me things she didn't say to her dad, and it was a good way to get to know her. I am not sure why the shopping trip is sneery, tbh, I had one with dd at the weekend. Granted, it involved another activity as well, but 10 is an age where they are starting to develop their own style and it is a chance to explore that.

I think the danger is that you fall into a pattern of you being responsible for DD and him for DS, so the next step would be you taking ds to football training and your dp doing something with DD, even if it is just walking the dog.

He doesnt mean to put more into his ds than his dd. Its just how it is just now and its crap on hid dd. I know she is lacking his attention.
ive suggested after my day with her dp spends a day/ afternoon with her and ill be with my dss.

I dont think dp leaves a lot to be desired he is trying has tried to engage with his dd. he sats he is giving up but i know he doesnt mean it. I know he wants to try anything. He loves both his kids the same (even if it doesnt seem that way) he is gutted he(we) are in this situation.

When he says that - tell him that it is his time she needs. His!

Have been here as well, and reacted in a similar way.That doesn't work, however much of a temporary relief it may seem.

Feeling like a guest in my own home was exactly the way I felt, and still do sometimes, there's no miracle cure.

You genuinely do need to get her dad to spend time with her, doesn't have to be an orchestrated outing. He just needs to show her he's thinking of her.

I have a DSD who is sometimes extra clingy to DP, and she'll happily just jump in the car to go grocery shopping or drop off/pick up one of the other kids. She just wants to be there.

Agree that you shouldn't curtail her outings because of her behaviour, you have to invest that time with her dad and if/when it changes things talk to her about life and see if he can communicate with her without the moodiness.

Although you may just want enjoy the peace and quiet of dad and daughter being out, realistically you're going to have to step into dad's shoes re DSS, the football etc. Try and enjoy that time together that may change DSD's attitude towards you as well. Siblings talk.

ooh, just caught up again.

Do you haveany idea how much tme she gets to spend with her mum when she's there?

It could be she's not getting much adult interaction at all, with her brother sat on the xbox.

I know when our DSC turn up on the doorstep they don't stop talking for a couple of hours, often all at once ! It's exhausting.

But a bit of a reflection of the different style in DP's ex's house where they're left to get on by themselves quite a lot of the time.

Nothing you can do about that, but might shed some light?

Ok. I'd not be impressed if DP avoided being around my son, who is an angel now, but has severe SN and 3 years ago at the start of our relationship when he couldn't communicate and got frustrated he had severely challenging behaviour.

By severely I mean he bit DP that badly that he ended up in hospital.

DP was nothing but supportive and lovely with DS and I have him 6/7 days.

That said. I have read the full thread and to be honest I am always on top of DS about his behaviour and when DP follows the strict behaviour management routine when I'm not in the room, I'm grateful not angry.

Not that we have to anymore. As soon as he started being able to communicate the violence stopped, but even the 'normal' childhood things DP will pick up on if I miss and discipline (time out) I think DS is better for it. He respects adults

Dp spoke to kids mum and she apparantly has the same issues. But she isnt doing anything to fix the problem. She was also reasonable about me having a go at dsd (which is so unusal) Dp knows he needs to spend the time and i am happy to do the football trips and stay with dss while he goes out with his daughter. Have stressed to him so much that he needs to regardless of her behaviour.

I think now that me and dp are on the same page and know his ex is having issues too it makes managing dsds behaviour a bit easier.

Fingers crossed it gets better. Xx