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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Nits

28 replies

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 09:57

Hello,

This sounds really petty, so sorry in advance.

Whenever DSD comes she has nits. We comb through each night and then do a treatment, but her mum refuses to follow it up. So she comes back with nits again and again ad infinitum.

It's really getting me down now. Why would a mum refuse to even check let alone treat her child's hair? DH asks her but she refuses. Does anyone have any insight? Also should we just stop doing them? But that means we all get nits anyway then have to spend twice the money doing our own heads.

I can't see an answer.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 28/10/2014 10:43

How old is DSD is it an option to send her home with some of the special shampoo and then you check her?

Otherwise i would say it is dps responsibility to speak to ex and ask her what the problem is and why she isnt following up? Maybe she doesnt know how to check and is scared to say incase it makes her look incompetant.

KneeQuestion · 28/10/2014 10:45

Is she actually saying 'no I won't do it' when he asks?

Original poster

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 10:47

She says she doesn't think it's important - and won't check her hair or the other kids. We do send DSD home with stuff telling her to do it but she doesn't. Unsure what to do about that - we can't tell her off for not doing it?

alwaystryingtobe She does know how to do it. She's not the sort of person who would be scared to seem incompetent! She has the ego of Russell Brand.

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Original poster

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 10:48

DSd is 12.

OP posts:

Original poster

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 10:50

My DH seems reluctant to really get to the bottom of it. He just keeps asking her and she keeps refusing. He doesn't seem to know exactly why. I'm so f*ing pissed off! I'm a doer and a fixer. I simply can't understand it. I think DSD's mum has told her it's a silly thing we're using to be petty and that it doesn't matter, hence DSD not doing it herself.

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alwaystryingtobeafriend · 28/10/2014 10:51

Oh good lord sounds like shes a joy!!

I think checking for nits etc is important and shoukd be done regularly especially as it concerns other family members yourself included.

its the one good thing my dos ex does with the kids so kudos to her on that. (Just a shame about everyrhing else.)

I dont know what else you can do except persevering and just keep doing it.

Sorry thats nit much advicE. Xx

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 28/10/2014 10:52

I mean not not nit. * xx

Original poster

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 10:53

nit much advice! lol

I wouldn't be so annoyed it's just I have a little one at home who has caught it on a number of occasions.

OP posts:

Asteria · 28/10/2014 10:58

Have you tried hair straighteners - they kill the eggs too. Comb through lots of conditioner to get the worst out and then get the straighteners on it.
As for the mother, she is being a dick. She is also neglecting her child by leaving them in. Not sure how you go about sorting that though

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 28/10/2014 10:59

I'd be bloody fuming too!

I wish i knew how to help. I panic when i find them as dsd (10) has incredibly long and thick hair. Which doesn't get washed properly as it is so checking for nits is a nightmare.

I hope someone can offer some advice. X

digger123 · 28/10/2014 10:59

I would have thought DSD would be asking her Mum to do follow up treatments, or at least condition and comb through. At 12 she'd be aware enough of possibly being outcast at school if her classmates knew she had them. Also isn't the school informed?

Original poster

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 11:02

My DSD has really long hair too. I have spent many hours of my weekend combing it! (My husband does it but not thoroughly enough). I don't own hair straighteners and am loath to buy them. We're pretty skint! I will have to set my DH on this but that just means more arguments and a horrible time for everyone.

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Original poster

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 11:03

She does ask her and mum refuses. The school doesn't seem to have realised. The kids are older and so I guess teachers aren't looking at their hair as much. I WISH to god the school would notice and do something. Maybe I should anonymously tip them off!!

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CrispyFern · 28/10/2014 11:09

Get some hedrin once, you only need to use it, once!

Maroonie · 28/10/2014 11:11

Id contact the school or GP.
It's neglect, if you didn't treat them she would constantly have them and that should raise concerns with the school.
Her mother may need to hear it from someone who isn't her ex before she is willing to listen so I'd involve someone else.

Original poster

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 11:12

That's a very good idea CrispyFern! Next time I will buy that one. At least then it will show if she is just re-catching it from her mum.

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Original poster

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 11:14

But I'll become the baddie Maroonie. My DH is so scared of DSD not wanting to come again we're all walking on eggshells, making sure she has fun while I comb her hair etc. To make her a pariah at school -- he won't do it.

Needless to say I've had a bloody horrible weekend.

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catsmother · 28/10/2014 11:15

In your DH's shoes, I'd be speaking to the school about it. After all, if your child has nits, you have an obligation to let them know anyway so the rest of the parents can be informed there's been an incidence and asked to check (and treat if necessary). Obviously, he'd tell them that he's been treating SD when he can, i.e. when she's at his, but sod it, I'd also bloody well tell them that although her mother's been informed she's literally refused to follow-up and/or help SD to treat herself (which isn't easy at any age when you need someone to double check through your hair even if you do comb regularly etc). Am not sure these days if the school could do anything with that info, but they might be prepared to ask to speak directly to the ex and perhaps "shame" her into being more responsible, albeit that they would probably have to be uber-tactful rather than call her down on the stupid irresponsible attitude she has - who knows though, them knowing might help and lead to her getting the metaphorical kick up the backside she deserves.

Original poster

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 11:16

We're not local to them and her mum has 100% control over school stuff. I'll talk to him later but he's so frustrated he just gets annoyed.

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catsmother · 28/10/2014 11:19

BTW I don't think informing the school would make SD a pariah. There's no way they announce who's had nits, they just send out letters telling parents there's been some about. However, they would hopefully be interested to know if a specific pupil's parent(s) is refusing to treat because obviously they want to stamp the issue out. I'm sure the ex won't be the first irresponsible parent they've found regarding this and there surely must be some discrete way of at least trying to persuade such parent to get their finger out ? Or - ultimately - some veiled threat about failing to treat being a neglect issue etc. ?

catsmother · 28/10/2014 11:21

Regardless of how local you are (though obviously appreciate it's harder to arrange face to face talk with teacher if not) if your DH has parental responsibility he has just as much "right" to speak to his daughter's school about any worries he has regardless of how much ex might like to think she's "in charge".

Original poster

daisychainmail · 28/10/2014 11:23

Ok -- I'll have to see if DH will do it.

Basically I wanted to know am I overreacting and should I just suck it up? Every time she has visited us she has nits. The one time we couldn't be bothered to treat it we all got them immediately. She won't tie her hair back unless asked, DH hates asking her (hates 'nagging' her) so I do it, and now everyone thinks I'm the evil stepmother. I would love to give her mum a piece of my mind and then go off on holiday, on my own, and drink daquiris in the sun.

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Maroonie · 28/10/2014 12:25

School letters are anonymous (or any I have seen are)
Is there another family member or mutual friend who could help. Perhaps they could mention they have noticed her itching?
Also talk to your partner- If he isn't willing to tackle it with his ex then he has to take responsibility for treatment himself. I'd suggest he take her to his mums after pick up and treating the nits before coming home. I would be secretly hoping this would make enough of a point that it wouldn't actually happen but if he wants to disregard your feelings and refuse to address then he needs to deal with the consequences solo! It's ridiculous that he gets to ignore the situation for an easy life when you are left dealing with it.

wheresthelight · 28/10/2014 20:00

have exactly the same issue hun!! it drives me mental and I have done everything but to no avail.

there isn't much you cam do unfortunately sorry

fedupbutfine · 28/10/2014 21:22

At least then it will show if she is just re-catching it from her mum

assuming mum is also infested? it is just as likely they are coming from the person she sits next to in class as home. Or the person she sits next to on the carpet. Or someone she is close to and likely to sit close to. Often there is someone in class who isn't being treated and it just goes round and round - it's probably your step daughter re-infecting everyone and it comes back to her. They are very difficult to get rid of, even if there is a good will to do so. A quiet word with the school in as non-confrontational way as can be managed is probably best.

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