My teenage son responsible for the end of my relationship...really?!?!?!

[StellaBrillante]

For the second time in less than a week, DP has mentioned moving out. His relationship with my 15 yo DS has become incredibly strained and I can see how he's fed up but what does this say about DP's commitment to me/ our relationship?

DS has become unbelievably lazy, moody, among other things. However, he doesn't shout, very rarely answers back, doesn't drink, smoke or gets himself into trouble. In fact, he hasn't had a single homework or behaviour detention at school for as far as I can remember and his grades are generally below his potential (minimum effort all around) but above most of his peers.

Yes, it has become increasingly difficult to come home and see things thrown around or to open the freezer to find out that he's consumed 4 tubs of ice-cream without any thought to whether anyone else may want some. And some of his actions are preventing us from wanting to do nice things for him and with him. But I am shocked by how badly DP is suddenly handling the situation.

So tonight, after a lovely day spent having cups of coffee and sitting on the sofa together, cracking on with our respective pieces of work, DP suddenly got angry with DS for being lazy and the "I think I need to find somewhere else to live" came up again. I said to DP that all I ask is that the he contact the wedding planner and let her know about cancelling it. To which he replied that if he was to do, that would be it. What on earth?!?! Does he genuinely expect me to live with the regular threat of him moving out?

Thoughts and experiences, please... I am starting to think that I was better off when I was on my own. This is all a bit too volatile for me.

putthehamsterbackinitscage that's what I keep thinking. I am tired, I work long hours and I put a lot into being the best parent I possibly can. There have been no half-measures, from moving counties to send DS to a better school to all the time, effort and money that I've put into always been there: sport activities, cultural events, travelling, time doing things together. But I am now at that stage where I should be able to have a peaceful day off and get on with my uni work without all this drama. I've worked incredibly hard, we live in a nice place, we do nice things and there is nothing I look forward to more than our daily gathering at the dinner table in the evening. However, I am having a miserable day today, and having to reply to emails about our wedding invitations (the irony of it!) when any joy and enjoying is being sucked out of it.

Don't get me wrong, DP is amazing at looking after us all and one of the reasons why he's so fed up is that he'd do anything for DS but he does expect DS to step up to the mark and do the basic stuff that he should be doing. Up to that point, fair play and I can see where DS is coming from - and we see eye-to-eye on all of that. But he's unrealistic to think that, regardless of how much you give or do, living and raising children will be a walk in the park. Sometimes they are ungrateful, unappreciative etc etc...and it seems to get worse once they become teenagers. And his way of dealing with things is very emotionally immature.

I've known from the start that DP isn't parent material and there's no way that I would even consider having a child with him. However, with DS already being 15 (and a fairly mature ,albeit lazy / self-centred one) and neither of us wanting more children, I genuinely didn't think it was going to be a problem.

I am not afraid to be alone and I am not dependant on a relationship. I was by myself for 4 years and I was very clear about not wanting to get involved with someone unless it felt truly special. The thing with DP is that it does feel truly special. I've never felt this much love for anyone, not even close, almost to the point that I had started to accept that this sort of love was beyond me. That's why I am not ready to give up. I don't need him, my finances are sound and I've got a full time job but I love this man with all my heart. And when he isn't showing the emotional maturity of a 3 year old, there is nothing he wouldn't do for me. There...

This might sound simplistic, but are there any books about parenting teenage children that you could get your DP to read? It might help him to see that your son's behaviour is 'normal' for teens and at the same time give him some tips for handling it. Sounds like he'll need it for his own boys soon anyway.

Also you need to sit down and have a chat with him about the 'for better or worse' side of marriage, not that I'm saying your son is a 'worse' but he does need to learn to work through difficult patches. From what you say, he has had DC with 2 previous partners, do you know why those relationships broke down? Maybe he just isn't very good at riding out the tough times?

I don't think anything your ds has done is unusual- and I have to say I feel sorry for him. Eating a whole jar of Nutella.. I would just be pleased he enjoyed it. If you know he likes it, why not just buy two jars?

Perhaps your dp is influencing your mindset. The crux of the matter is that he just doesn't have the level of tolerance needed to cope with the teenage years, because this isn't his child. It's understandable, but not what's best for your ds.

I would have a proper no-holds-barred talk with your ds asking him how he feels about dp and if it's making him miserable, send dp on his way.

"I've known from the start that DP isn't parent material and there's no way that I would even consider having a child with him." Tbh, this situation is as much of your own making then as you knowingly got into a relationship with someone you knew wasn't (in your words) "parent material."

When you get together with someone and you already have children, the biggest consideration surely needs to be what kind of parent they are, even if you're only talking stepparent. My biggest concern when I got together with my dp was that he didn't have children and as such I couldn't have known whether he would be able to relate well to my ds given he's never actually been a parent iyswim. As it happens he and ds get on amazingly well and he can sometimes be my voice of reason when I lose it (me and ds have similar personalities and can clash, although not often). But if I'd had any doubts at all in the beginning I would never have allowed the relationship to progress.

You knew your ds had already not been around for two of his children, you wouldn't have considered having a child with him, yet you still entered into a relationship with him, so where did your child, the one your dp doesn't have the parenting material to parent adequately, come into your decision?

I agree that threatening to walk out on a wim is petty, and that if that's what he wants then perhaps it's time to let go, but tbh your dp doesn't bear all the responsibility here. If you knowingly get together with someone who you consider to not be good parenting material you can hardly be surprised or upset when it turns out they're not parenting material.

Hm...I disagree, MarmiteMania. The Nutella jar example isn't something new and it's only an example. It's happened way too many times that DS has finished off something that I was saving for later or worked his way through a whole box of whatever without thinking that maybe somebody else would want to at least have a taste?!?! We've had to stop buying juice as he was going through it like water. That means that we can't have any juice either (or nice juice) as it doesn't matter how often I've told him not to, he will still go and drink it all. These are just examples but they are about respecting what isn't yours, showing consideration and sharing. If I am not going to instil that sort of mentality into him, then who is? And how is he going to behave when he goes to house-share at uni or similar? He'll be the one helping himself to the milk in the fridge or finishing it off and not bothering replacing it. All the things that are creating conflict are things that DS will need in order to live well with others, girlfriend or friends, and to look after himself properly. And unfortunately, once the 'star chart' for little chores was replaced with pocket money, it's become much harder to get DS to do those things - you'd have thought they'd mostly have sunk in by now but he's resisting with all his might.

I am honestly not being influenced by DP, I've always expected a certain amount of input / 'team-playing' from DS.

The 'for better or for worse' element of marriage is the key one here. DP is the one always telling me how nothing can break us apart, etc, and then we find ourselves going through this sort of situation. More action, less words?? The problem with whatever happened before is that I will ever only hear his version of events. I actually think that it all came down to children. Twins first time around, his career was at its peak and off he went. Second time, they were busy and he didn't think they had time for children...two came and off he went again...

WannaBe very true and that's how I would have seen it if DS was younger. However, at the age of 15 (almost 16 now), I never thought that DS would need any more parenting than the one that I give to him, and very different from the needs of a 5 or even an 10 year old. DP is a great role model in many other respects and I saw that as something that he'd bring to into the pot as far as DS is concerned, as opposed to hands-on parenting. The things that DS isn't doing are basic things in terms of looking after himself and living with others. I never expected DP to be a parent to DS but just like if say, one of our parents had to live with us and was difficult in any way, I would expect us to work through it as a team.

Tbh your DS doesn't sound bad at all.... Normal teen behaviour including eating and drinking everything in sight even when told not to
As you said yourself, the issue here seems to be that DO quits when the going gets tough...

So much do he didn't see his teens grow up and he's repeating the same behaviours....

Can you get him to take time out to talk about that rather than specifically your DS? Or will he take that as a criticism?

I'm projecting many years into the future here DS is only 3 but as soon as a partner would say he'd want to leave because if DS I'd be showing him the door. DS' dad left me out of the blue this year after 13 years so I have a very low tolerance for any threats & controlling behaviour now!

Oh & we were due to get married next April.