DP's contact with his children

[StellaBrillante]

DP and I have been together for about 20 months now and we started living together 8 months ago. Home life is great, and DP and my teenage DS get on like a house on fire. He proposed 6 months ago and we are due to get married at the end of next year.

DP has two younger sons (12 and 8) whom he sees every other week. He goes up to where they live and stays there over the weekend, with a friend. I met the boys at the beginning of the year and they've stayed with us a handful of times since.

When DP and I first started talking about a future together, I asked him to describe how he saw his contact with his children working out. He told me that the boys would like for his DSs down every other weekend but that on some occasions, he would need to go up.

I haven't pressured for things to happen but this weekend I was bitterly disappointed to see that this is unlikely to be the case. DP went up two weeks ago and now he's up there again. Apparently, the boys didn't want to come because they didn't to miss their football fixtures.

While I appreciate the importance of children't commitments and experienced a similar thing with DS, I cannot see why they couldn't miss it for one weekend in order to spend a weekend at their dad's home. I have so many issues with this that I don't even know where to start but I thought here would be a very good place to get others' opinions:

• his DSs are not part of what is now their dad's life
• are they getting a twisted picture of their family set up so that we will always be 'outsiders' instead of being an integral part of their dad's life?
• we will never have an opportunity to establish any links with them as we will never see them (or will only see them a couple of times a year)

From a selfish perspective, the arrangement of DP going away works out much better but it does not allow for any foundations to be built. What are we? An aside in DP's life? And more importantly: what happens at Christmas??? I never expected anything to happen overnight and I never rushed or put pressure on anything to happen. But I do expect us to share the same vision in terms of how things should or could work out, and for my expectations to be managed. Being told, after considerably probing (I knew what was coming, I just had to hear it), that he was going up again wasn't nice at all as that gives me no indication of what the future will look like.

Also, as a woman, as much as I respect him and his ex-wife for being in good terms, I don't particularly like the 'family Sunday lunch' and playing happy family scenario. I don't believe that the ex has closed that chapter in her life or has healed, and this was made worse by DP failing to tell her that he had asked me to marry him. Apparently she found out by looking at our picture together on FB, and promptly told the boys about it. I actually feel rathr uneasy about the whole thing tbh...

Thoughts?

Hi all,

I am more than happy with the mixed arrangement and I also agree that it's important for DP's children to have time alone with him. I've never forced the issue, just like I don't expect to be included in everything they do when the boys stay with us. I think it's good for them to feel that they can have time with him on their own, whether they are here or where they live.

However, DP hasn't always been honest about his arrangements which in itself has created trust issues - he lied about staying with a friend when in reality he was staying at his old family home so that on Valentine's Day this year, had he gone ahead as planned, he'd have spent it with his ex at her house. Therefore, I don't always believe him when he says that he's staying with his friend and why I got quite worked up when I got an email instead of a phone call. Also, I've never quite digested the fact that they chose to get a dog together for the children. I still can't see why you'd add more layers to your relationship with your ex so that not only do they have the children's arrangements to work through but the dog's too. The impact on me is that they come down and I get the dog too (lovely little thing but with minor behaviour issues which have resulted in some of my collector's books being chewed up).

As I've said before, maybe I am blinded by insecurity but the whole situation simply doesn't feel right. The ex doesn't have a partner and seems very accommodating with DP - that Valentine's incident, she was texting him at 1am to check whether he was still coming up which is how I found out about it. Not a screaming text telling him that he should have had the courtesy to let her know that he was no longer coming, which is probably what I would have done if I was doing my ex a favour. And without wanting to make myself any more paranoid, reality is that I don't know what she's saying to the children. Paranoia, I know...?!?!
Embarrassed:

I see us as the outsiders as DP's children have only been down a handful of times. They get to see our lives and obviously we have our life with DP, but we don't see the other side of the coin - i.e. the every other weekend that DP spends up there doing whatever with his ex, dog and children - gosh, I sound bitter! Shame on me...

I think the problem is your insecurity but your DP has created that.

My DH and his ex have always "played" happy families and I think it had been to DSS advantage and has not confused him.

It is quite hard in the early days, when I was first seeing DH he spent every evening with his ex doing the night time routine before coming to me. However I had to allow time for DH to adjust for the fact that he was not going to have the family life that he had hoped for.

DH has time alone with his ex and son every few weeks, they have been away on their own together on the odd occasion and it had never bothered me but that is because he has always been sensitive to my feelings. Your DH does not seem to be doing that.

I have always accepted that DH had an existing family before he met me and that until we had children that relationship would usually come first. I would never say to DH that he could not see his children or have time with his family.

We tend to make it work now by having time for both families to spend time together. So we all spend Christmas together, we have a holiday together. Perhaps you could encourage joint meals side events.

OP can you not move closer, a 3 hour journey is a huge distance to be from your children.

It's not really about his children at all, its all about you.

The valentine's thing does sound odd. But your basic problem then is that he has lied to you and so, quite reasonably, you don't trust him.

What did he say about that?

Who moved? Your DP or the ex?

Philoslothy not really as DS has only just started his GCSEs and he's at fantastic grammar school. Also, quite frankly, DP moved away from the children when him and his ex separated (for someone else) long before I came into the picture. In fact, he was even further away then, so I don't see why I should up sticks. From a parent's perspective, I don't get it and I've never forgiven my exh for doing just that when there was nobody involved in our separation and he had no real reason (other than dented pride) to move away from DS. But like I said, that was long before I met DP and I try not to judge him on the choices that he's made.

The issues are trust and the arrangements, or more to the point the fact that I feel that I have to keep probing in order to find out what is going on. DP's tendency to leave things to the last minute doesn't help and I do try to take that into account - not always the case that he's hiding something but simply that he hasn't got around to working out what he's doing. So every other week, Tuesday comes and I start to feel uneasy because I have no idea what to expect. And having them down hasn't been easy, there are the constant "mum and dad" comments and especially the little one seems almost hostile towards me.

It seems to me this is not really about contact with your DSSs but about the fact that you suspect, quite reasonably on the evidence you've given, that your DP and his ExW haven't properly separated their lives.

I would judge a man who moved away from his children.

And having them down hasn't been easy, there are the constant "mum and dad" comments and especially the little one seems almost hostile towards me.
Being a step parent is not easy but I am confused as to what you want. You now don't seem to want the children in your home either. They are going to make comments about their parents and young children will look at you and think that if you didn't exist their parents would be together. Being a step parent can be really hard and if you cannot offer a United front it will not work.

Philoslothy the reason why I mentioned that has got nothing to do with me thinking that it will all be a 'walk in the park' but their behaviour leads me to believe that they still see their parents as a closer unit than their 'divorced' reality.

I think your husband is handling it all wrong but you can be divorced and a close unit and that often works for the children.

You must have talked to him about all of this Stella. Does he not offer any explanation for the lack of candour?

I am a step mum. My DH has 2 kids from previous marriage, they live about 5 hours away from us. from ages of 3 and 5 years to 14 and 16 years DH visited them every alternative weekend.

This was so that they could do scouts, tennis, football etc, hang out with their friends. Also it was too exhausting fro them to travel for 5 hours on a friday and again on a sunday.

His ex wife re-married soon after leaving him, so there was no playing happy families.

hello, not sure what to advise and was thinking of starting my own thread but this is my situation.
My DP's ex doesn't know I exist. Well she might, as his DD stayed with us once about 3 years ago (when his ex had stipulated that she stay with grandma - I suppose it was understandable as she nothing about me although at that point we had already been together for 3 years!!), but I am not mentioned, by my DP to his ex, to the point where I might as well not exist..
He didn't ask his ex permission when his DD stayed the night at mine and ex stopped contact for a year after it happened...

He drives the four hours to see his DD about 2 or 3 times a year (at the moment). Stays at ex's house. I'm 100% sure there is no sexual relationship between them, although years ago he would have taken it if offered, now I don't think he would.

I have always encouraged this although I have pushed him to ask for DD to come to us or to her grandparents rather than go there and stay with her; for the reasons you mentioned OP, and also for my own sanity.

So basically I understand how you feel and want to know if the constant anxiety I feel around when he goes to visit is normal, uncalled for, silly or justifiable? The anxiety around this is actually getting worse. is he just scared of his ex denying access again? I suppose I should ask him. I do ask but he doesn't seem to understand why it's an issue.

And sorry OP not to answer but I totally understand your upset at your current situation.