Avoid 'a scene' at the expense of contact?

[WakeyCakey45]

Things have been quiet between DH and his ex for a few months; the court order left very little room for manoeuvre so DH has been picking DSS up and dropping him off as his ex required - usually to DSS grandmas house, which suits DH as he doesn't have to see his ex. All arrangements are made by email.

But, in the last few weeks, DHs ex has referred a few times in her emails to a particular document she wants DH to sign (relating to Investments in DSS name, on which they are both signatories). DH made it clear several years ago that he's not prepared to agree to what she wants, but every year, she drags it up again, demands he does what she wants, and throws a hissy fit when he won't. Shes cited his refusal to agree with her on this matter as "abusive" on court documents and statements.

Ex has now emailed DH to say that she has rearranged her plans for the weekend so that DH can pick DSS up from her rather then grandma as previously agreed, and that DH can "sign the forms at the same time".

Based on past experience, DH knows that if he doesn't do what she wants, she'll cause a scene - lose her temper, shout at him, drag DSS into it and it's likely to result in DH leaving (to avoid her abuse) without DSS. If that happens, then it's unlikely that contact will resume. DSS is 11, and old enough to decide whether he wants to see his Dad or not - and he only ever wants to see his dad if his mum is ok with it.

DH feels backed into a corner. If he emails his ex back and says he doesn't agree and won't sign the form then it's inevitable that ex will bad mouth DH to DSS, and DSS will decide he doesn't want to see DH at the weekend, but if DH leaves it and doesn't respond, DSS will see his mum having a go at his dad, get upset and decide to stay with his mum, anyway.

I relate to so much of what you've put Wakey. Fortunately for us DH does have regular contact with DCS but so much of what you've written rings true - especially:

they also know how much easier and less chaotic their lives would be if DH did just do as he was told

because his non compliance to exactly what she wants presents a lot of problems and friction when they are home. Even though DH's requests are perfectly reasonable ie: wanting plausible reasons. He's expected to just do what she's told him and ask no questions - otherwise he's being abusive.

sorry to dredge up an almost zombie thread, but I am wondering if he has, or why he has not raised these issues every time they have to go back to court?

At this point, I think he needs, despite what she wants, to give her half the funds, especially if he can get the court to somehow force her to account for the spending of them to the court. Or maybe, the whole account needs to come under the control of the court (if that can be done in UK, I have heard of it in the US) in which case nobody gets to do anything with it without court approval. (though if DSS gets control at 18, I think ex will have it within the month, damnit.) your DG needs to get ahead of ex on the who is actually being non-compliant game. I think HE needs to be proactive, and begin the legal process of doing this all in an extremely aboveboard way, and document the taking over of the account he/you opened for DSD by the ex especially since it involved cash from YOU and especially if the DSD was over 18.

wakey i am sorry you are facing this again. i have no advice other than he needs to see a solicitor but i am in full agreement with your DH, based on her prior form there is no way he should sign the form.