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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Maintenance and school fees

37 replies

Bamboo4321 · 16/09/2014 10:36

Hi, I'd really appreciate some advice. My DH pays his ex wife 15% of salary plus also agreed to pay the school fees for my DSD who is now 9 yrs when they split a few yrs ago (DSD lives with her mother and stays with us every other w/e). We are now married and have a baby. DH is constantly complaining that he doesn't have any money and, even though I lost my job whilst pregnant, I have continued to support myself and pay half of all household expenses from my savings whilst looking after our baby.

I am getting very frustrated that, along with supporting myself, I have also ended up shouldering a number of larger costs (holidays, wedding etc) in the last few years and I am now getting concerned about child care costs and school fees for my child in due course. DH told me recently I needed to get back to work and we couldn't have more children as he couldn't afford it.

His ex lost her job 2 yrs ago and, to our knowledge, has not bothered looking for a new job since and has no intention of doing so until next year (!). She got a lump sum from the divorce plus DH pays maintenance & school fees so she is pretty comfortable (2 big holidays this summer!). I have asked DH to tell his ex that she needs to contribute to school fees when DSD goes to next school in 2 yes and the fees jump significantly as I don't want to end up subsidising his other family and don't want my own child to suffer. DH agreed with me at first but has now backed out as he says it was what he agreed in court and it can't be changed.

It frustrates me greatly that he is tip toeing around the ex and it has a detrimental impact on our family. Is it unreasonable to give her plenty of notice now that she will need to contribute to her child's education and therefore think about getting back to work. Does anyone know whether court orders can be varied now that we also have a baby? I expect that the maintenance cost is fixed but surely school fees are a luxury on top of this and she needs to take some responsibility for her own child if her education is that important. Thanks

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/09/2014 15:57

If the fees are such a stretch then dh and ex need to reconsider whether private schooling is feasible for secondary. The costs are only going to rise, not just basic fees but uniform , kit , extras. Do you plan more children as if so he needs to take the loss of your earnings and by then depleted savings into consideration.

robotroy · 19/09/2014 16:59

That's not strictly true though is it, it's calculated on the mans income, the amount of time they spend with the child, and also if they have other children, when it is reduced (if CSA rules are used). It might rub on the mum of child number one, but if dad chooses to have another child or two their payment goes down. That's considered reasonable, because, as discussed, circumstances have changed, and the man has more kids to support, all of whom have equal right to support. It's not a first kid gets the right to eat rule.

Of course in this case the rule for the school payments is an oddment. While it may feel fair to insist both kids have the same, if it's not affordable for dad to pay for child number 2 to go to private school, much as it feels wrong I wouldn't ask the other child to leave the school and their friends and give something up for their half sibling who is 'dad's new family'. That seems like an unwise way to drive a wedge.

It's really difficult, I'm not sure I provided an opinion!

fedupbutfine · 19/09/2014 17:05

I think the suggestion is that mum should foot some of the cost of the school fees with an assumption that she is capable of earning a half decent amount as there was been reference to her professional status, not that the child should come out of private school.

Essentially, what is being asked is that the ex makes up the shortfall in the OP's household income to put both children on an equal financial footing. As to whether this is fair or not, depends on who you are, I guess!

Missunreasonable · 19/09/2014 17:23

If the court order states that he has to pay school fees then he has to pay them regardless of whether DSD's mum chooses to work or not. He can't just change his mind because you don't like the fact that DSD's mum isn't working for whatever reason.
Do you know why she doesn't want to work?

Do yu think it would be fair for your DH to say to his daughter that she has to leave her school because you are not happy about it but will be sending your own dd to private school?

MerryMember · 08/03/2024 03:31

My husband who I separated from 4 years ago. I tried to keep it nice for our sons , dinners , he stayed over in the other room. It was better for us all . But , he got bitter as I didn’t change my mind. After 2 years I met someone, he blocked my account, and was an arsehole . I get he was upset but 20 years and no chemistry, surely he knew . Any way our 2 boys went to a private school. He went to a very prestigious boarding school. He was ok to pay then , I helped towards it to even thou I was only working part time . But now I’ve been seeing some one else he’s completely changed. He’s hardly worked , rented our home out which I have never asked for a penny , just sort the school . He then didn’t agree with the school policy towards Covid, so the bill was increasing . My eldest went to senior and needed the bus as the boys started at the same time and he wouldn’t help . But that’s ok . Now he has applied for a state school for my youngest which I wasn’t aware of , that’s not ok , but he hasn’t said about my other son who’s about to start GCSEs. He wants to hurt me but all he’s doing is hurting the boys . I spoke to a solicitor. As it is a luxury it isn’t a necessity . He’s now not paying and my son might not be getting the bus to school. I just think men are arsehole when it comes to separation. My boys are suffering, I’ll be ok . He showers us all with gifts but no money to support us with food etc .
school fees if you can’t afford it if you break up don’t do it £50k is a lot of money and stress. The main bread winner always has control

MerryMember · 08/03/2024 03:43

Missunreasonable · 19/09/2014 17:23

If the court order states that he has to pay school fees then he has to pay them regardless of whether DSD's mum chooses to work or not. He can't just change his mind because you don't like the fact that DSD's mum isn't working for whatever reason.
Do you know why she doesn't want to work?

Do yu think it would be fair for your DH to say to his daughter that she has to leave her school because you are not happy about it but will be sending your own dd to private school?

My boys go to private but my new partner kids (3) don’t , it’s so awkward because I feel that he judges me , my boys lessons are more advanced , smaller classes, extra holidays. But their days are longer . They do more sports, but I do think being in a state school you are meeting a variety of people and then having a different experience. Especially if it’s mixed . I went to a girls school, now that school is mixed . I don’t have girls but my boys are learning and seeing what the girls are like . Which I think is so important. Each to their own. I think the world now is awful bringing up kids . I’m lucky where I live. But it will soon change 😔

MerryMember · 08/03/2024 03:49

LIZS · 19/09/2014 15:57

If the fees are such a stretch then dh and ex need to reconsider whether private schooling is feasible for secondary. The costs are only going to rise, not just basic fees but uniform , kit , extras. Do you plan more children as if so he needs to take the loss of your earnings and by then depleted savings into consideration.

I agree but if you start something and they’re happy it’s hard to move them . The fees are horrendous especially their kits uniforms I spent £600 each child . For them not to use half of it . Or lose it . I paid towards my kids school, after leaving him he’s now only choosing the eldest as I kicked off he’s doing his GCSE’s but my youngest is now starting year 7 at a different school. All I can say if you do 1 you do both or don’t do it at all . Ladies be careful, men change when you leave them . Even thou you think they won’t

MerryMember · 08/03/2024 03:59

robotroy · 19/09/2014 16:59

That's not strictly true though is it, it's calculated on the mans income, the amount of time they spend with the child, and also if they have other children, when it is reduced (if CSA rules are used). It might rub on the mum of child number one, but if dad chooses to have another child or two their payment goes down. That's considered reasonable, because, as discussed, circumstances have changed, and the man has more kids to support, all of whom have equal right to support. It's not a first kid gets the right to eat rule.

Of course in this case the rule for the school payments is an oddment. While it may feel fair to insist both kids have the same, if it's not affordable for dad to pay for child number 2 to go to private school, much as it feels wrong I wouldn't ask the other child to leave the school and their friends and give something up for their half sibling who is 'dad's new family'. That seems like an unwise way to drive a wedge.

It's really difficult, I'm not sure I provided an opinion!

Why should the first child suffer if he meets another woman? If he has another child and can’t afford it , that’s unfortunate, maybe when the other child leaves private the other can join ? Or get the mum and the child’s dad from the previous relationship pay. If that’s what they want? Not all parents want their children in a private school . My partner doesn’t, but then he has 3 kids. I only have 2 .

MerryMember · 08/03/2024 04:08

LIZS · 19/09/2014 15:57

If the fees are such a stretch then dh and ex need to reconsider whether private schooling is feasible for secondary. The costs are only going to rise, not just basic fees but uniform , kit , extras. Do you plan more children as if so he needs to take the loss of your earnings and by then depleted savings into consideration.

If you can’t afford it then don’t do it . It doesn’t stop at fees they always increase, uniform, sports kit. Bags , trips , donations , school parties, charity , private bus , after school activities ( which you think they are free ) NOT , I spend so much on top it’s ridiculous. Can’t wait for it to be over, 6 years to go and 2 years for the other son , is it really worth it? £50k a year ? I didn’t have a private education, I did ok , well lol . It’s everyone’s choice, do you

BookishBabe · 08/03/2024 05:49

Zombie thread.
It's been 10 years, I think it's all probably worked itself out.

DuchessNope · 31/03/2024 10:07

Presumably the DSD is now through secondary - I wonder if she got to stay in private school in the end.

StormingNorman · 31/03/2024 15:35

As DH’s expenses have gone up due to wanting a second child it’s on him to make allowances for that, not you or the ex. Can he get a new job, release investments or anything to generate the extra cash he needs?

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