never met my partners son

[chubbylover78]

I've been with my partner for 6 and a half years and I've never met his son. We're planning on marrying but I can't get past the fact that I will have a stepson I've never met. My partners mum has very little to do with my partner since I met him and she's constantly running around for his ex and is even planning to live near her (to be closer to work apparently) my partner is angry and upset that his mum has regular contact and conversations with his the brothers and ex but not him. He sees his son but it's always at his ex's and on her terms and im not allowed anywhere near his son. I feel angry that he doesn't do more for himself regarding seeing his son and just does as she says to keep the peace. Could you live that way? I want to may him but the way things are it's not a partnership is a trio.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

He left his ex when his son was 10 months old and then met me. He was unfaithful to her during their relationship( he's told me) but it wasn't with me so I think it's unfair that she should take it out on me if that's what she's doing.

The circumstances of their relationship breakdown are nothing to do with me, he told her he didn't love her and left moving into his mums. They had mediation where arrangements were put in place but shes never stuck to them. He arranges to see hjs son and more often than not he's supposed to be at a party so the visit has to be rearranged.
What's more important, a child having a relationship with its dad or a party?

I can tell you the whole story but it would take forever as so much has happened over the years. She's bitter he left and has managed to get on with his life, a life he now had control over as opposed to her controlling it.

OP - I think the problem is that you have limited choices, and none of them are going to resolve the situation, really.

No matter how awful, abusive or dreadful your DHs ex's behaviour is towards him and his children, no matter how disloyal you feel your DPs Mum is being, there is nothing you (I emphasis the you as I am referring to you as an individual, not you as a couple) can do to influence or change it. So you can rant about it endlessly, but no one can give you advice on how to change it, because there isn't a solution.
Your future life with your DP will always be affected, to a greater or lesser degree by the behaviour of your DPs mum and. DPs ex, How much it is affected depends on your DP and what, if anything, he is prepared to do to change the situation.

Are you willing to accept a future married to a man who spend time with his children in the company of their mum? It doesn't actually matter why he does it - whether it is his choice, her unreasonable demands, or to keep the DCs safe from an abusive father - what matters is whether you are prepared to accept that in your marriage.

If the answer is no, then don't marry him. It would be foolish to marry into a situation in the hope that it will change, when your DP has made it clear through his actions that he accepts things the way they are now.

You can't change the situation It was personal counselling that helped me come to terms with that.

He left his ex when his son was 10 months old and then met me. He was unfaithful to her during their relationship.

Is this really someone you want to marry? Does a leopard change its spots?

Cerisier, that's a bit presumptuous. You can't tar everyone with the same brush. There seem to be alot of women on here judging me and my situation.(alot of women scorened that anyways blame someone else without looking at themselves)
He's completely faithful and always has been. I'm not stupid as my marriage broke down to my husbands wandering eye to I can tell if he's unfaithful.
I asked for advice not judging!

a- it's not tarring "everyone" with the same brush. It's basically taking out the brush he tarred himself by leaving a partner with a young baby after being unfaithful to her.

b- I don't think anyone has judged you. I mentioned that perhaps he is not being fully truthful with you - that's not a judgement on you. It's a judgement on him. He clearly has a track record of being a less than ideal partner, so it's fair to question whether or not he is being honest at this point.

c- He was faithful to his previous partner as well.... until he wasn't. Something to keep in mind.

When you ask for advice, you have to accept that not everyone will see eye to eye with you. If we all came on and agreed with you and didn't offer any other advice, it's a bit pointless.

The OP didn't ask what people thought of her choice of partner though - asking her whether she "really wants to marry" her DP because he has been unfaithful in the past is a bit like asking a poster seeking advice about vitamin supplements in TTC if she's sure she wants a second baby because she had such a hard time delivering her first!

The situation the OP finds herself in is directly related to her DPs behaviour as a father and a partner to her , but his conduct in previous relationships is not at all relevant to the here and now or their future.

I feel angry that he doesn't do more for himself regarding seeing his son and just does as she says to keep the peace. Could you live that way? I want to may him but the way things are it's not a partnership is a trio.

This is what she said in the OP. She's indicating frustration at him and asks "could you live that way?" People have answered that.

This is part of posting questions on an open forum. You don't always get exactly the answers you want. People don't always agree with you. Those are the breaks, hey.

This is what she said in the OP. She's indicating frustration at him and asks "could you live that way?" People have answered that.

Yes, but the OPs frustration is not related to his previous infidelity.

The OPs DP is not excluding her from her DSS life because he previously cheated on his ex. He's not ignoring the breakdown in his relationship with his mum because he was unfaithful. And the OP hasn't said that she feels "like a convenience" because she thinks that her DP might cheat on her.

His track record as a DH is irrelevant to the issue the OP has asked for advice on. The OP only mentioned it in order to counter the all-to-common "were you the OW" question, and by doing so, has been subject to questioned about her judgement of an issue which she has neither requested, nor welcomes, advice.

I don't think his track record is irrelevant at all.

Supervised contact spanning that time frame a lack of a relationship with his siblings and mother a seaming acceptance of the situation and exclusion of the op would usually indicate some serious historical abuse or other pretty major problem.

How much info the op has and its source and likelyhood of acuracy could make a huge difference to how she takes steps to attempt to resolve it either emotionally or practically for her own well being.

Did I read it correctly that she was able to obtain a crb check on you? Are you sure about that or is it something either of them have just said she did.

Infidelity is not abuse.

As for the CRB check, I imagine that the OPs DPs ex applied for a check on her under Sarah's Law - the Child Sex Offenders Disclosure Scheme. It is a perfectly legitimate use of the process, although quite disconcerting if used as a "threat" as it seems to have been in this case.

would usually indicate some serious historical abuse or other pretty major problem.......
Thats utter rubbish. He has no contact with two of his siblings because when he left his ex one of them threatened to kill him and waited for him outside his job so the police were called and the other let his wife get involved and verbally abuse him when he asked for somewhere to stay, all because he ended a relationship with a woman he didn't love anymore.
when he was with his ex they were together for nearly 14years and his family thought they were the perfect couple and were destined to live happily ever after, but in reality it was never always like that hence why the relationship ended. (She was happy , he wasn't)
nobody likes to be dumped and one persons bad experience of a violent and abusive relationship with a person doesn't always mean that the abuser will be exactly the same with a new partner. (Tarring with the same brush)
So far my experience on this forum has been eye opening. You ask a question and then your partner is judged as a violent cheater even though that wad never the question. There seems to be a lot of women venting their anger towards other people for their own failed relationships. Thank you wakeycakey45 your the only one that hasn't had a dig at me.

Forums are like this - you open your whole life up for scrutiny.

But that doesn't get away from the issue you're facing, which is whether you can live with the situation long term.

Have you given any thought the the suggestions above -counselling (either for you or as a couple) or some non-negotiables in your relationship with your DP?

I'm willing to try counselling as a couple I need to put it to my partner. I spoke to the CORAM charity about access and as he has parental responsibility it's his choice as to what he does with his son when he has him, but obviously if I'm there when he sees his son his ex will refuse access and if he goes to collect him to take him out his ex will find out as his son is bound to mention it.
It's got to the point where it's not really about meeting his son it's about my partner having a fulfilled relationship with his son whilst being happy and having a relationship with me. He drives 150 miles to see his son which he doesn't want to continue doing on his own. I've been with him and he's dropped me of at his mums where I wait for him but it's not fair on his mum having me waiting around as I feel that she feels uncomfortable.
When his mum visited us last December we got on great and scientific the whole day talking (she even got my son a christmas present which she's never acknowledged him before) she knows her son is happy with me and im his future. Why else would he quit a good job and move away from his son and family if he didn't want to be with me.
We've had our ups and downs over the years, primarily because he wants to have a relationship with his mum again and not be stopped from having freedom with his son. His mum has a right to have a relationship with her grandson but even his brother (the one who still has contact with him) has mentioned that his mum spends all her time with his ex and son and has forgotten that she has other grandchildren and great grandchildren.
my partners uncle even refused to see him when we visited him and his aunt a few years ago. We spoke to his aunt and she said his uncle was upset at the way my partner had treated his mum, when my partner left his mums and moved in she wasn't even at home when we went to collect his belongings and never attempted to contact him to see how he was. We heard nothing for months and then it was just a text asking how he was.
His mum would pass things on to his ex about things he'd said and we ever spoke to her in a frank and honest conversation about why he left his ex, how he met me and what he wanted for the future but she didn't say anything, just left afterwards.
My partner misses his mum and brothers and would like to spend time with them but because I can't meet his son it man's it impossible.
His mum lives near his ex and we can't afford to make two journeys each time he wants to see his mum and son and he can't see his mum without visiting his son because his ex moans that if he can visit his mum he can see his son too but it's not his mums place to babysit me while he goes to his ex's.
I've lived with it for years but it's now beginning to take its toll. Our relationship shouldn't have to end just because his ex can't move on with her life. When he questioned his ex about the strict conditions she once said it was because she was trying to make him a better father. Her mum and dad separated years ago, her dad lives with his girlfriend but her parents still celebrate their anniversaries and I feel that because her parents live that way she thinks it's normal for all separated couples to live like that.

I have absolutely nothing, whatsoever to do with my partner's children.

I am the devil incarnate because we: dinghy sail, swim in rivers, kayak and climb. She is not me.

Yes. It has been very hard to understand why I am not allowed to have anything to do with his kids. But, life is way too short and yes it does upset but. ...

That's not very helpful, is it? Sorry.

You are not the only one.

Teslaedison, your sooo right. When my partner met me I had pink hair, rode a motorcycle and was not the sqeaky clean person his ex is. I'm younger than her and I know that's a problem, I have more in common with my partner than she does (I'm the female version of him lol) and I don't have to conform to a certain social standard like she does. I get on with my life without worrying if my son is wearing the latest in fashion and I don't have a"clicky" set of friends, I shop in charity shops and upcycle. I'm a dirty tramp in her eyes and she doesn't want her son exposing to such people. I remember once when it was my partners sons birthday and he asked her what to get, she said clothes so we went and brought him an outfit with disneys cars on it(he was 3at the time) from Asda and because it wasn't the largest designer fashion or from next or gap etc she had the nerve to throw it in the bin in front of my partner and told him "her son will not be seen in cheap pikey clothes" she spills her son rotton and is something that really gets up my partners nose and he feels like he's always competing against her.
I might have to resign myself to the fact that I'm just not good enough for some people.