Can the Step parent ever 'win'? Sorry its long

[wheresthelight]

ok so i firmly believe that wherever possible all adults involved in a child's life and upbringing should be at the very least amicable as it makes the child's life supremely better. However, in spite of trying incredibly hard to get a long with DP's ex she insists on hating me - and I am not the OW. She kicked DP out in favour of her OM.

Examples -

1. His custody arrangement was originally 3 weekends off and then the next 3 on and every Thursday after school. She complained to the mediator that it was unfair as too much for her to have the kids for 3 weeks without a break. Mediator suggested EOW and DP said that due to his shifts he would have to check with me and his parents whether this would be ok as there would be times when he was at work or asleep (he works nights) and either me or his parents would need to mind the kinds. Frankly i thought he was very diplomatic, his parents were in their early 80's and his mum was not in good health. She flipped that she couldn't get an answer there and then. At the next meeting DP said that his parents and i had agreed so he could happily accept the change to EOW if it would help his ex out and give her a more regulated break and more routine for the kids. Cue utter hystrionics from her (i got the texts from her ranting at me) that she wasn't having me looking after her kids, i wasn't an appropriate adult, she didn't know me. I had assumed that this would be her reaction as she had engineered an awful lot to try and take DP to the cleaners financially, so had sent him with my CRB certificates (i work with several volunteer agencies who required individual ones), and print outs of messages from her asking me if i would mind having the kids for her as she was tired and needed a break and she knew DP was at work and i wasn't. Neither needed to be produced as the mediator firmly told her that she couldn't have her cake and eat it (transcribed notes are a hilarious read) and as this is what she had asked for she could hardly refuse when DP had agreed.

2. The kids always have nits, we comb them and treat them when they are here but their mum refuses to treat them at home (she has told DP she has no intention of doing it as kids just get them anyway). I have been trying to teach the kids how to manage their hair, comb it through, use a preventative neem oil spray etc, sent everything home with them so they could do it at home too as i know this stuff is not cheap and she is on a low wage. she binned it all telling DP that she had told him she would not be treating the kids and that was the end of it.

3. School called DP and her in to discuss issues with DSS. She openly refused to do anything about his behaviour and told the school that it was happening while he was there therefore it was entirely their problem. She repeated this when at parents evening the school told them that he would benefit from extra help in certain areas of English. I used to be a teacher so DP asked me to help him and arranged a meeting at the school for him and i and DSS so we could get some specifics on the areas he needed help with ready for his Y6 SATs. She flipped her lid at DP and returned all the extra study books we had bought to us and basically told us he wouldn't be doing them and she would be livid if she found out we were doing anything with him. Needless to say we ignored it, I tutored him and his grades shot up as most of the issue was a complete misunderstanding of something he had been told in school. Corrected this and suddenly what had caused a VERY smart kid to be failing saw him hitting A and B grades again.

4. DSS's attitude to me has been vile of late, nothing has altered in our interaction, he is just going through a boundaries pushing stage. However, i have ardently told DP that I am not engaging, if DSS wants to be a little sod then he can carry on, but I am not making any effort above and beyond for him until his attitude improves. So I am now not doing DSS any favours in terms of lifts to places, extra treats if i see something when shopping that i know he would like have all stopped, i refused to oversee his birthday sleepover (DP had asked for holiday but a management reshuffle saw it all get cancelled as he was last to request and his old boss had left the building with no one of DP's job working). It has worked well and DSS's attitude has improved massively. However, by not buying him treats, taking him everywhere he wants and spending a fortune on him i am obviously resentful of him and clearly don't like him according to his mum, but when i take him out and buy him the bag he wants i am overstepping the mark and should mind my own business

Does this EVER go away???

I could understand if i had been the OW, but she was the one who had the affair and picked the OM over DP!!

needa I think flossys post makes a very valid point to the OP - it took thirteen years of hard work and compromise and was only achievable with a supportive DP; that's valuable information to share with new-in-post stepmums who are struggling with the realities.

Not everyone is willing to sacrifice that much of their lives (and possibly that of their own DCs) particularly if their DP isnt supportive.

Really is MN that shallow a place where what matters is that the revenues remain high?

Actually, yes, MN is a business - a very successful one due to a formula that includes light touch moderation, latitude in terms of language, and an excellent PR team!
Of course, the underlying "service" is to provide a discussion forum, but if discussion isn't controversial or engaging, traffic reduces and revenue drops. Simple business economics

ALL parenting is hard. Parenting two children with SN as a lone parent is particularly hard (I do this) I guess three would be harder. I imagine families where one of the parents is ill is tough too, or a lone parent student with no support juggling everything. There are a multitude of difficult and challenging family situations out there, yet I have never seen such self indulgent, back patting, whiny victimhood as some as the descriptions of what it is to be a step parent as there on this thread. Talk about making a meal out of it!

It's challenging, no one ever disagreed with that but this implication that it's a high and lonely pursuit that no one could begin to comprehend is hard to believe. MOST blended families just muddle on through surely? And some days are worse than others. Just like the rest of us and our families.

My point wasn't that being a step parent was hard nikki and neither am I whiny pr self indulgent. quite the opposite.

my point was that when one of the kids parents goes out of their way to be objectionable is there a way to find a way through it and "win" in terms of not letting it drag you down. but go ahead and be nasty and abusive to people sharing their feelings and go and polish your perfect halo

There are a multitude of difficult and challenging family situations out there, yet I have never seen such self indulgent, back patting, whiny victimhood as some as the descriptions of what it is to be a step parent as there on this thread. Talk about making a meal out of it!

I typed a response, but there's really no need - your contempt speaks for itself.

And you're a complete Drama Llama to read my post that way (but then I guess we already knew that!) I genuinely don't understand why it's all so much harder for step parents? We are ALL struggling.

you clearly aren't a step parent nikki so you really can't understand the dynamics just like I not a single parent so I cannot understand the dynamics involved in your struggles. but I would not be as offensive to you as you have been on here

needs snap!

being a parent means you can bring your kids up anyway you please. as a step parent you have to second guess the reaction of other people to your every words and action

I have been a step parent and was brought up in a family where MY mother was the step parent. I feel most qualified to comment and believe I do understand the dynamics.

I have not been at all offensive. I have given examples of other challenging family situations and asked why step parents are so different to the rest of us in that we all just get on with it and muddle on through yet it's all so much tougher for blended families? I wonder why it is that you all seem to want massive pats on the back and acknowledgement of what huge sacrifices you make to be in those families. We ALL make sacrifices for our families, why is it all so much harder for you? I honestly don't understand it, or why you find it so offensive that I ask those questions?

Like what? How is your life anymore challenging than mine? With the endless fights for acceptance that I have to get people to treaty children in an informed and decent way. I have meetings every week they I have to prepare for to fight for my children. I have family members that to this day do not believe my kids have significant SN and act accordingly. My ds has been assaulted twice by adults because they didn't understand how to cope with him. I had to deal with that and the legal action that we had to take. Different challenges to be sure but still pretty tough and MANY families are dealing with that and worse but they just GET ON WITH IT!

It's absolutely fine to moan and support and offer advice for YOUR particular step parenting issues, of course it is, what I cannot understand are these accusations that we could never begin to understand how hard it is, the incessant need to be the victim of the piece as the poor picked upon step parent. I simply don't believe that its that hard. The only people I know in RL who have these kinds of issues have them with in most other areas of their lives too and of a lot of the problem lies with THEM.

I want to be quite clear here that I do not apply that to the majority of the posters on this board, just a small minority, a few of whom are on this particular thread.

I genuinely don't understand why it's all so much harder for step parents? We are ALL struggling.

Because this area of the interwebbie is for stepparents who are struggling. You'll find us here. We're not all as stoic and capable as you. As you say, We muddle through, but on bad days, we post here for support.

Are you equally as impatient with parents of DCs with special needs who are struggling more than you with the reality of their life? Who post that they want to walk away, who are desperate for help?

What about parents of teens? Parents with terminally ill children? Do you feel they are "drama llamas" if they aren't coping as admirably as you would?

I will not apologise for struggling with certain aspects of my life. I know I have demonstrated resilience and strength in situations that other people have struggled in. But you know what? It's not a competition - and if someone posted that they were struggling to cope with the emotions they were feeling when experiencing a situation I coped with, I hope I'd support them - not give them a kick while telling them to pull themselves together.

what I cannot understand are these accusations that we could never begin to understand how hard it is, the incessant need to be the victim of the piece as the poor picked upon step parent. I simply don't believe that its that hard.

There's lots of social research out there if you want to educate yourself - or do you consider that to be self fulfilling propaganda, too?

The irony is, your attacks on stepmums who are struggling and seeking support because they do feel victimised only go to further reinforce the conclusions of the published research

I will reiterate again, that I do not question your difficulties, they are valid and stressful I have no doubt about that. However there are certain posters on this board that are overwhelmingly negative and shut down anyone who doesn't agree with their version of what step parenting is. Surely it's like all parenting, mostly just niggles but some of those niggles are particular to YOUR situation. I don't believe that no advice can/should be offered unless you too are a step parent because it's all so unique in special and beyond comprehension. It isn't it's just different sometimes, just like my life with my kids.

And that's all I am going to say on this thread because my ds is still up and I now have to spend an hour counting him down to sleep.

Bore off wakey and stop using emotive language. I have "attacked" no one and not been "contemptuous". It's quite clear I am talking about you on this thread. The fact that you insist they you're being attacked because I ask a few questions you don't like indicates to me why you have found step parenting such a struggle.

Can we stop being rude to each other please

suffice to say as I stated earlier that as a step parent with a good relationship with their partners ex or by not being a step parent then you cannot understand the dynamics of a step parent with a difficult relationship with the ex. likewise anyone who has never dealt with kids with sn, or has never been a single parent cannot understand the dynamics of the struggles that entails

nicki I'm sure you believe that your opinions are unsullied by social stereotypes, and are based on objective judgement of each post by each stepmum on it's merits. But that just isn't true. Unless you've been living in a bubble since birth, you have been influenced by societies opinions, and make your judgements based on those subconscious values and beliefs.

The victimisation of stepmums by society is well documented and researched - you can argue against it all you like, but it doesn't change the findings.

Hooray for those with perfect situations, this thread really isn't for you. Why post on a thread asking for support, if only to say I'm perfect, my situation's perfect, get your shit together everyone else, duh!

I can tell you, that I am loved dearly and respected by my children and I have fantastic, funny, humourous relationships with my friend's children and my children's friends. These same children who hug and kiss me as they come and go from my house. I'm good with people, good with kids. Lol the previous poster that said that if you have problems like this, you must have them in other areas of your life..!!! What a freaking joke!

My dp's children hate me. Why? Because of their mother, she wishes it and that is all it takes. It hurts me, my dp and my children and horrifies my friends and family. No, no matter the effort, no matter the time, or progression that I think I make sometimes, it never gets better. Background: wasn't an ow, met dp 3 years after his divorce. Reason hostile, toxic ex. Why, who knows, jealousy, control, selfishness.

Does the OP deserve this shit? Do I deserve it? Don't think I do, nor would my dp, friends or family. Are there hundreds of books/blogs/posts written about women exactly the same as me? Yep surprise, there sure are. Is this situation unusual......? No again, just look at the board.

Op hang in there, be strong, tough, don't give in. Hugs.x