Bloody ex wives

[wheresthelight]

why is it that they can change the contact schedule to suit them, cancel our contact completely on a whim but we dare ask for an amendment because I have a hospital appointment that cannot be altered and all hell breaks loose??!!

we stick to the contact regime rigidly because the exw gets nasty and starts quoting routine etc at us but asked her to amend at the end of last term as I had a hospital appointment in the next city which is about 20 miles away and takes well over an hour in rush hour. we asked to swap days and she went nuts and refused. but because she wanted to go to the beach on Wednesday so cancelled our contact and now wants us to have them extra over the weekend. she also wants to piss about in September for a family wedding by picking them up on the Saturday afternoon and bringing them back Sunday morning. I have said no as the time she wants to bring them back is when I will be due at a christening so have said she either brings them earlier or keeps them all weekend as their dad will have been at work the night before so will be in bed. she is currently flipping out that it's our weekend so we should be having them back.

Ffs why is it all their way or no way? she is off her bloody rocker and I am ready to blow my stack.

Sorry - "needa" not sure why your issue is with her Mum.

Dad works and Mum works so both are stepping up and providing for the child. May be her work does not count as stepping up.Yes plenty of parents work and take their children to school/ find a child minder etc.

Maybe your DP needs to start parenting rather than relying on you to pick up the slack. Ergo, she is asking her EX and father of the child, to help out over the summer holidays. It is a time that is fairly difficult for all parents. She is asking her DP - not you to share the burden, he just treats you like a dogsbody and gets you to do it.

You asking her for a favour, is really you asking her EX to step up and do his job too.

Your EX is the problem here

Ergo, she is asking her EX and father of the child, to help out over the summer holidays

That's a hell of an assumption - as need says, some RP seem only to happy to directly delegate care of their DCs onto a NR stepparent.

As a stepparent, It's a case of setting limits from the get-go; if you do it once, it is often expected from then on.

My DSC Mum wants to cut DH out of their lives, but there have been times she's approached me directly to ferry the DCs somewhere by car after DH has made it clear he's unavailable due to work commitments. My consistent and categoric "no" has meant her "requests" have ceased.

No the issue is between you and your DP. You are not communicating what is acceptable for both of you.

You asked her to pick up DC from school on your contact days and she said no. What is wrong with that? Yes you put her in after school club - at your expense. Asking her to pick up on your contact day was going to save you money - not her. Sorry do not think she did anything wrong with that.One off fine but committing to doing that all the time is not fair on her and once again would be your DP not fronting up to his share of childcare.

Summer holidays - both parents have a responsibility to provide child care. Mum and Dad - not you. Yes, she has saved some money on summer clubs but then your DP should have been sharing the burden aswell. If you two choose to use your time looking after SD then fine but then your DP should be talking to her and saying this much is acceptable and then she has to sort the rest.

I get your DS is your responsibility, but DP seems to be forgetting he has two kids that he is responsible for. Am not slagging you off -your DP needs to stop treating you as a door mat - you stood up to him before and he has walked away, not addressed the issue - so now she talks directly to you instead.

Sorry your DP has the problem, not you or her. Admire the fact you have a relationship where you can talk - but some boundaries need to be put in place and your DP grow up.

In an ideal world it would be great if I could ask my EX to babysit, but even he knows that this would not be good.

In 2 yrs the only time he left the DCS with her, they were made to sit on the stairs and not move until they were picked up, whilst hers ran riot round the house! Two more forelorn children I have never seen and my joy at a rare night out vanished. I would rather trust a sitter than my DP - how sad is that.

That she trusts you with her child and you are good to her is fantastic but she is actually asking your DP in an indirect way.

no not changed names but have had contact weekend and a dead laptop so not been back. seems needs is having a few issues too!

my dp steps up to look after his kids whenever his ex demands and his shifts allow. unfortunately he works nights so I end up with them. I don't mind most of the time as they cam be brilliant. what I object to is his ex demanding x/y/Z in the name of "maintaining a routine for the kids" whenever my hospital appointments mean I cannot get the kids to school, we never ask to cancel only wither shift to a different day ie a Sunday night after we have had them for the weekend or that I drop them off at hers before I leave for the hospital ie 7 am for an 830 appointment and an hour drive away plus parking and then the mammoth walk from the car park.

however when she wants to piss about because her dp won't have her kids at his house when his are at their mum's (he is rp) and we can't have them because it's not our weekend and god forbid we have made plans then she throws a complete fit.

She wants them in the middle of our next weekend contact so she wants me to drop them off at 4 on the Saturday and pick them up at 12 on the Sunday (she did original say she would drop them but has now changed her mind). I have said no as I am due at a christening 10 miles away at 11. she would have a fit about messing the kids about if it was dp asking this of her and it really riles me that it's all her way or the highway. IMHO it should be give and take om both sides but I am sick to death of bending over backwards to accommodate her demands.

Your preogative and have no issue with that.

However, all extra time during holidays is not just her responsibility, it is all your DPs. Likewise her refusal for after school care was her choice - but you want to criticise her for her choice because she did not do what you thought she did. Different styles but neither is right or wrong. You choose to be a stay at home mum, she works to help provide for her DC - you come across as v judgemental about working mums. Presume it would be wrong if she was a benefit bum and maintenance whore aswell! Not sure she will ever do anything you will be happy with.

Sorry he can not just dump all extra holiday childcare on the mum and expect her to pay for it all, he has a responsibility for this aswell.

Your anger is still with the wrong person.

Surprising. I always as in always see it the other way around. Fathers on a whim deciding they don't want the kids that weekends so mum has to suck it up as the main caregiver.
If your partner can't have their child on their weekend that doesn't automatically make it your job. He needs to find childcare. Obviously give and take is good but if they are both busy one weekend but it's his weekend he needs to find childcare.

"He hasn't dumped any extra holiday childcare on his ex. Isn't it the pair of them that dumped it on to me"

Finally you get it!!!Yes, their problem not yours, but your lily livered DP has made it your problem.

Holidays! We all have our contact hours worked around 9-1600 being in school, now are we saying( and I do not know your arrangements) that just because DP does one night per week, he is only responsible for 7 extra hours of child care per week over the holidays but she has to pick up the other 28 hrs. That is not fair because both the parents are actually relying on school time not just the mum.

I am not blaming you - your DP and the mum need to divide this amongst themselves fairly, not rely on you unless agreed with you as part of the equation - but she is not responsible for all extra holiday child care - he is aswell.

Sorry your DP needs to front up - not you, you are being dumped on. Like I said before, I love that she trusts you with her DC - it speaks volumes about you as a person. I wish I had the same. Oh for a contact arrangement that does not get decided at 1400 for school pick up etc - I pay a fortune in wasted child care because when OW bleats/cries has a crisis weekly/daily basis, his responsibilty for his kids goes out of the window. Worst scenario is him saying he would pick up from school, me having smear test booked on that basis, when he rings, me splayed on the couch, to say he can not do it - with 5 minutes before school pick up!!!!! She was feeling lonely and threatened by him seeing me when he dropped them off -FFFS! Believe me I organise nothing on his alleged contact days because it is so unreliable - impacts on my life massively.