14 year old dsd wants nothing to do with me - perspective desperately needed, please

[Nofoolnomore]

Hi, please could you tell me how you'd feel if you were in this situation?

I've been with my lovely bf for over a year and a half and we both hope our relationship will be permanent and hopefully move in together etc.

I understand his daughter must always come first and I try to be as supportive as possible. She lives with her mum and sees her dad/my bf once or twice a week depending on his work pattern.

She has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. I believe it's nothing personal as she's just as insistent she'd want nothing to do with her mum's boyfriend, should she ever have one. They've been divorced 7 years. This means my bf has an important aspect of his life of which I'm not a part of or included in. I don't know why I feel so hurt - I can't be pragmatic about it - even though I have my own life/interests.

I'm in turmoil about this and don't know what to do. She is 14 so her wishes definitely have to be respected - it would be cruel to try to force the situation. My fb says he talks in general to her about me and hopes in time (probably when she is a lot older) she might change her mind. My gut feeling is she won't. Apparently she hates change...

I can't work out why I'm so bothered/upset by this situation. We won't be able to move in together etc if his daughter refuses to have nothing to do with me. Yet, we can have a relationship living separately...

At what point does dad's/bf's understanding for his daughter's feelings/wishes become pandering? Am I being outrageously selfish even using that word?

Of course we've talked about this and he says all he can do is hope she'll change her mind.

Please can you give me your views/perspective on this as I can no longer see the wood for the trees!

Many thanks in advance x

ness Did your Dad ever cohabit? Did that mean you refused to visit him at home?

If I were you I would run to the mountains.

I am divorced but can't imagine my DS dictating to me or his father whether he wants to have something with his new partner or my boyfriend. Children are part of the package but that works both ways, the new person is also in the receiving end of quite a bit of luggage. IMO the person who needs to work on trying to create a good balance is her dad/your boyfriend. Putting her needs way above yours is not conductive to a balance (so she doesn't want to see you, does he kicks you out when DSD is visiting?), everyone has the right to be treated with respect and be at the front of the queue from time to time.

Personally, I think that some divorced parents sometimes feel so guilty about not seeing their children all the time, that they let them rule the house when they are visiting and that is hell for the new partner. You don't have to put up with it, give it a few months but if the situation doesn't improve, prepare yourself to leave, it will save you from years of misery.

I agree insofar as she doesn't sound selfish based on the limited info here, just like a normal 14 year old. She doesn't want to spend her one or two days a week she sees her dad with his new partner there too

She just probably doesn't have an idea of the long term or wider problematic implications of this situation continuing indefinitely.

It's definitely up to her dad to take the lead here and make some gradual changes.

WakeyCakey45 My Dad did live with a couple of women, one of them for quite a few years. I still visited and stayed over but we went out a lot and I didn't spend time with his partners. It wasn't a 'condition' of mine that we didn't hang out with them. I really don't remember it causing any angst.
It's actually quite strange trying to remember everything as I have clearly given it all very little thought. My parents split up very amicably and my siblings and I were never put in any awkward situations.
Maybe I was just a bit thick and just didn't see the bigger picture. I have always been a calm and un-dramatic person and have never had a problem with jealousy which probably helped.

I just don't see that in the OPs case it has to be that the DD is controlling and jealous. Perhaps she just wants a simple quiet life and wants to hang out with her Dad. I am not saying that is right - I'm just saying that it's understandable and absolutely no reflection on the OP (as she acknowledges )

My Dad did live with a couple of women, one of them for quite a few years. I still visited and stayed over but we went out a lot and I didn't spend time with his partners.

Slightly different from the OPs situation (and my own) where the DC is refusing to have anything to with her parents partners, and where the parents are making life choices to accomodate that.

Yes, the sentiment may be understandable on the part of the DC, but yet again, the question is whether a child of this age should/can be expected to acknowledge and comprehend the impact their behaviour has on others.

By the way, we had a nice arrangement with my exp where we wouldn't see each other on the Wednesdays his son was at home (I would arrange to meet with friends, go shopping or having a quiet time on my own) on the weekends we had his son and mine, we used to use one day to do things together as a family and the other one was primarily to have some one to one time with our respective children. This worked very well particularly because our children had different ages and interests, and mostly because both parent and child needed that one to one time (I think this something that be regularly practiced even if the parents are married to each other).

However, if after a year together you need to disappear completely when she is around or she starts insisting that you should not come in her holidays with daddy RUN AWAY (and as fast as you can!).

Thank you so much for all your replies.

My bf says 'she'll just have to get used to it' which is encouraging but he isn't going to push it until she is 16/17 or his work patterns change and he can see more of her after school.

There's so much ambiguity - and he's not offering me enough reassurance. My head is telling me to leave but then I get all churned up in my stomach because I love him and want to be with him - just not like this.

Your comments have been really useful. I think I'll give it a bit more time - maybe wait until I can't stand it any more. There are other things in the relationship which aren't satisfactory but the dsd is the deal breaker, sadly.

TBH, asking him to wait for 2-3 years for him to do something about it is taking the piss, really. What about your feelings during this time? Are they not important? Is he expecting you to sit patiently until the time is convenient for him to talk about it.

IMO that will only fix the pattern firmly into place, one they are used to push you to the side that will be the status quo.

But I have some good news for you: It is said that the longer you are staying together without moving the relationship forward (as in marriage or proper living together partnership), the less likely it is for that to happen and that is, surprisingly, due to your hormones. Some time, around the 2 year mark, the hormones would start to run out and you will see the relationship for what it is, the good and bad things, and you will be able to detach yourself a bit and make an objective decision about putting up with this for the sake of staying together or move on.

In the meantime, jUst don't do anything radical such as having a baby with him or buying a house together, unless you are 100% convinced that you can put up with this long term and this the relationship you want to be in.

Asking you to wait, not him. Apologies.