Money Question

[doyliewoo]

Hello all - This is my first post but I have been lurking around for a while :) I was hoping to get some advice/another perspective on money issues. Will try to keep it short.

Bit of background - DP and I have been together for 6 years, I have DD (7) and DSD (9). There were some contact issues when we met but these were resolved quite early on and we are lucky enough to have easy going flexible arrangements with our ex's. My DP had not been with his ex for 3.5 years when we met. My DP and his ex were not really in a relationship when she got pregnant but they tried to give things a go but it didn't work out.

We have DSD EOW and at least 70% of the holidays (it is a 200 mile round trip to pick up and drop off).

My DP is such a lovely devoted father and incredible SD to my daughter.

My question is around money. DP pays well over the amount determined by the CSA (happy to) and always pays for extras such as school trips, gives extra for uniforms etc.

DP's ex has never worked (we both work full time) and has actually said to DP that her job is to bring up his child and therefore shouldn't have to. The problem we have is that she is constantly asking for extra money on top of everything he already gives her. We are also aware that DP's ex has quite an expensive habit (another story). We already feel that the money paid to DP's ex is not used for what it is intended. DSD arrives with clothes that don't fit, doesn't really get much off her mum for birthdays, christmas etc. We gave extra for a school trip only for DSD to tell us that mum had 'borrowed' it and hadn't paid it to the school! So because of these issues DP is loath to give ex any extra cash as we simply don't believe it is to benefit DSD. She takes money off her DSD to pay for petrol and cigarettes (we now hang onto any money of DSD's at our house to prevent this from happening).

This is were it gets tricky, the latest request is because (she says) she can't afford to pay for any of DSD's school uniform. DP offered to pay for most of the uniform but said we would take DSD out and buy it ourselves when she is with us in the summer holidays. This went down like a lead balloon as she wants the cash. The problem is we know that she will get the bare minimum for DSD and keep the rest for herself!

DP is terrified of rocking the boat and refusing to give her extra cash but feels he is being held to ransom at the same time. What should he do? We both feel that we have to draw a line in the sand at some point or this will never stop.

We know we can't dictate how the ex spends her money but why should he continually give her more when we know it's not going to benefit DSD?

Sorry for the length of this - would appreciate an outside perspective.

x

But 25% of the NRP's wage plus 25% of the RP's wage (if both earn reasonable amounts) plus Child Benefit and Tax Credits (if they are entitled) should be enough.

Should? as I said, I pay out way more than 25%of my earnings directly as a result of having children. and not everyone receives benefits for their children.

OP I'd pay the ex the csa recommended amount but buy the uniform and maybe splash out on other clothes so he's not wearing ill fitting clothes and shoes.

And when I say 'buy' I don't mean give her the additional money, I mean go out and physically buy what is needed.

I agree with others, pay her the CSA required amount and spend any extra directly on DSD eg clothes, uniform, paying for school trips directly to school etc.

Having been a single Mum since DS was first born, it makes me so mad that women use it as an excuse to not work. I understand it is difficult when you don't have a partner to help with childcare, but it's no more difficult than having a partner who works 40 hours pw.

Lone parents are only entitled to claim income support until their youngest child is 5, you haven't mentioned any other children so I'm assuming she doesn't have any others? This means she must be claiming JSA but not actually seeking any work? Some would call that benefit fraud.

Also, with regards to the school trips - schools have a pot of money to help parents who can't afford school trips, I wouldn't be surprised if she's getting the money off you and then telling school that she can't afford it.

I know that with 3 children, as a PWC, I pay out way, way more than 25% of what I earn on child-related 'stuff'

Isn't 25% the required amount for just one child?

I have 2 kids and only work part time so my wage isn't huge but I would say that 25% of my own wage plus child benefit probably covers what it costs me to keep them.

But then there is the cost to house them, we probably wouldn't live in a 3 bed detached house if we didn't have children.

However, 25% of DH's wage + 25% of his ex's wage is way more than what it costs to raise 2 children.

I know others will disagree but I don't find children that expensive. We're lucky that we don't have any childcare costs though. But clothes, uniform, food etc...yeh it's an expense but I put money aside every month for clothes and uniform so it's never a massive hit.
They only get toys at birthdays and Christmas, we don't spend an excessive amount as they get so much from grandparents.

It's 25% of gross income for 3 children - but it doesn't always leave the NRP with a lot to live on. A while back my ex was earning about £200 a week - or about £170 after tax. He then had to pay about £100 a week rent, which left him about £70 a week to live on. The CSA amount assessed he was supposed to pay for 2 children was 20% of gross income, which was £30 a week (reduced from £40 because he had our kids two nights a week) which left him about £40 a week to live off, including having to feed the kids two nights a week. I actually ended up accepting less off him, as I was earning slightly more than him, and was also getting child benefit and tax credits. I could see that I was much better off than he was.

If your rent is high, then the CSA amount can be way more than half of the income you have left over.