DP's relationship with the mother of his children

[msevs]

I just wanted an outlet as this has been bugging me since the weekend. We had our first child together a few weeks ago and managed a mini break last weekend for the first time since the birth. Obviously I was looking forward to time together as a couple, but the theme throughout was my DP's ex.

She seemed to be on his mind a lot, he talked about how she is with their children, they can't cope with her behaviour just like he couldn't, how she always complains that she has no money. He joked that he would ask her to care for our baby when I return to work because childcare is so expensive because she loves the whole baby thing and the attention. He then wondered if she is getting broody again now and thought it must be only a matter of time since her youngest is starting school soon. He has always seemed annoyed by the number of children she has had since they split and is always making 'jokes' about it. I didn't instigate the conversations about his ex, he did and they were seperate conversations over the weekend.

Last night he made a search on a property website on the house he shared with his ex, he continued living there for years following the split but sold it five years ago. He admitted that he searches for it every now and then as it comes on the market quite often, and he is curious about what it looks like now.

All of this just made me think that I underestimated her importance to him because he hasn't talked about her as much since we first met eight years ago. He has always been bitter and quite dismissive about her to me, even though they are civil with each other when they meet. Ever since my pregnancy I feel as if he has been talking about her more often, maybe understandably, but it bothers me because I feel he should be focusing on me and our baby at the moment, yet he is obviously preoccupied with her and his past. Am I being too sensitive? Have any of you had similar experiences?

I think you're right, that is a big part of the problem. I sometimes feel he is able to offload a lot onto me but I keep a lot of my thoughts to myself. I'm not even sure why I do it, just to keep the peace I think because everyone else accepts the situation and get on pretty well. Also, for years I wasn't a jealous person and didn't really care much about his relationship with his ex, I was able to put it in the back of my mind so to admit to him now how much it bothers me is actually embarassing, to me. I know that back then I would have been able to tell him how I felt but it feels like I'm too involved with him now to be able to do it.

That's why sometimes I wish I had come into the relationship with a past and children like he did. I know he liked the fact that I didn't have much of a relationship history because in the early days he talked a lot about all of his previous relationships and asked me a lot about mine, such as how intimate those relationships were etc. I put that down to the fact that the first girlfriend he had after he left the mother of his children actually left him to go back to her ex. I don't think he was truly over her either when he became involved with me.

Do you know, just off the top of my head, I wonder if he would have got involved with you if you had brought dc into the relationship. The thing about him liking the fact you didn't have a past suggests he is insecure and also when you say he feels secure with you - is that because he feels in control? How much do you feel this is a relationship of equals?

Hi OP - I really feel for you.

I'm personally much more like elizabeth, I need clear boundaries and laid down the line much more firmly about what I could cope with, not minding if it made a row at the time. But my DH has never really been cordial with his ex or her extended family so that makes it different. That said I wouldn't mind excessively if she wanted to come to ours for a cup of tea, but I would just want to be the one (or one of the ones) who made the decision. I think the problem is that your DH is taking your agency away. You kind of need his stance to be more like 'I'll only contact her/think about her re. children and will always be thinking about what's best for our household'.

No way should he have been talking about her around new baby or mentioning her in terms of it. Does she have a new partner? All I can say is that she might get one and then the issue of boundaries/decorum/the privacy of your relationship will miraculously become clear to her overnight (happened with ours)!

Don't be apologetic OP -- you're the mum now, the mum of your house. You have a strong say in what happens there.

Hmm, you can try being reasonable with him and explain your feelings or you can rip his head of and tell him if he messes around with visiting DCs/ exes/ ex FIL or anything else to do with his past life without first checking with you he can start looking at rental flats instead of his past homes with the ex.

Most DPs with a past would be tiptoeing round new partner to avoid upset or saying the wrong thing. He has got his boundaries totally screwed up.
He is being allowed, by you, to think he is totally in control of his life and everyone in it and can tweak things at his pleasure. Make your feelings clear as there is not a chance that this idiot will pick up on your hurt emotions, he is too wrapped up in his own perfectness. Arsehole.

PS If you are nice he will only half listen (for the reasons stated above), make your feelings very clear and simple.

Romeyroo I don't think he would have got involved with me if I had dc, no. I have always thought that if our roles were reversed and he was 22 years old and childless when we met, he would never have even entertained becoming involved with a 30 year old with two small children, not for a second. Actually, he made a comment about one of his friends last year who was struggling with jealousy over his partner's children and used that line "he knew what he was getting into", I told him that I could empathise with his friend because you really don't, just like he didn't really know what it was like to be a father until he became one. I then asked him how he would feel if I was the one with two children with another man, and he admitted he wouldn't have liked it.

On the surface, our relationship is equal although obviously we didn't come into the relationship as equals. He is older and had more life experiences than me when we got together. I always thought he was a bit needy in the beginning, I was happy being single when we met. He had been hurt a lot by his exes and was definitely insecure, he admitted himself he just didn't think he was lucky in relationships so concentrated more on his career.

It almost feels like he has got me where he wants me now, living with him and having had his child. I think he concentrated a lot on that and now that he has achieved it, he concentrates more of his attention on other things, such as his career, ex and his older children.

rosepetalsoup Thank you. His ex does have a partner, she has actually been with him for a decade and started seeing him only a few months after she and DP split. They have children together as well. I have to say, she barely registered to me in the years that we were dating, either because DP kept quiet about her or because she just wasn't that much involved. She seems to be everywhere now, especially since I got pregnant.

I know she warned DP not to forget to include the older children after our baby was born, so they were here every weekend and extra for two months when the baby was born. He even agreed an extra night with her without telling me about it, this wasn't long after the birth. She has also been making references to the breakdown of her and DP's relationship over the phone to him in relation to DSS's behaviour, so that probably raised a few memories for him too. She recently gave us some bottle insulators that she no longer uses as her children are older, which was nice of her and they are handy, thing is I think about her every time I use them so I'm sure he does as well!!

doziedoozie You're right. It is remarkable at times how he can be sensitive to everyone else's feelings, but expects me to just deal with things without complaint. I suppose it's the "you knew what you were getting into" argument again.

But the point is, you didn't know what you were getting into, things have changed since you met, and no disrespect, how can you, at 22, possibly know? I was 35 when I met my husband (now separated), I had dc, and I had no idea what I was getting into.

Reason: because the point is not that he has dc, that is fine, it is how he and xW are behaving now about the fact that he has dc and their relationship was first. It seems like you are just supposed to accept you and new baby are part of their extended, blended, melting pot family. Every man with dc will behave differently, and things may change over time, so how can you really, actually know?

Also, I don't think it is a case of being jealous; it is not having your boundaries, space and needs respected. The first six weeks after having a new baby are hard, but you are in an impossible position if step dc are coming round more, because on one hand, that is great for being with their new sibling, on the other, you are a new mum and you need space and time for yourself with the baby. So, I think it is more that there are no boundaries here, and your feelings are quite normal.

It sounds a bit like you (justifiably) feel like an accessory in his life, rather than a person in your own right. This may in part be the age difference and the dynamic which has developed. He may have had more life experiences, but your views and needs are just as valid.

When I have been thinking about this, I wondered if it would be helpful to read 'A woman in your own right', by Anne Dickson, I think. It is about assertiveness. I think that is a good place to start, to help identify your own needs and get some strategies to assert them - and believe that they are just as valid.

It sounds as if your DP and ex have changed if she wasn't even on your radar previously.

She, possibly, was used to a single ex and not having to consider a new DSM for her DCs, he was used to a disinterested ex, suddenly you and new baby have shaken them up. Everyone is having to juggle to find their place.

The ex must know how demanding a new baby is. There's no excuse for dumping DCs on you at this time. DP needs to rethink his relationship, he sounds flattered ex is suddenly noticing him!

We had ructions when a family member a single DF remarried after 10 years single, everyone seemed upset. I'd stupidly assumed everyone would be quite happy that he'd finally found someone!

Thanks for the book recommendation Romeyroo, I'll look for it.

I hadn't realised how much I had let my boundaries be pushed, to be honest. I never thought I'd let it get this far, but I did feel in an impossible position regarding my step children staying over more after the birth of my baby, I felt like I couldn't object since it's their new sibling as well. I still find it difficult now, for example, we were meant to have a day to ourselves over the weekend and I was going to discuss how I've been feeling with DP but suddenly, DSD is staying with us and we are spending the day with his family.

doziedoozie I do feel things have changed between them. It probably is strange for her as well, I can see why she would suddenly be interested now since there is another woman involved and she is no longer the only mother of DP's children. However it is strange how I didn't see her for several years, only to see her every time we're out now. You could almost argue that someone is letting her know where we'll be because she seems to always be present when we're out shopping these days! DP did say last week that he isn't bothered when his ex phones now because it's not his problem while the kids are in her care, he doesn't phone her when they misbehave for him, so maybe things are very slowly beginning to change now.