Feeling the "perfect step-mum" pressure - newbie onsite

[RonneandFrankie]

(Sorry this ended up being basically a novel!! It's a bit of background, and basically all the stuff I'm uncertain about. I have so many questions!)

I'm totally at a loss here atm. I live with DP, we've been together just over a year. He gets his 4 yr old DS every second weekend and on Wednesday nights (when ex "remembers".)

It's a really hostile situation between DP and the ex. Their son was unexpected (known each other two weeks, kind of unexpected) and they basically made each other miserable for 3 years trying to make it work because they wanted the happy family unit. Unfortunately, she's turned out to be one of those really petty, jealous types. I'm not a massive fan of her parenting, but she's a good mother for her son. She will however, use him to get back at DP in annoying ways. Things like leaving DP to wait at the drop off spot for 45 minutes, then she sends him an email 2 hours later saying she "forgot" it was his night. It means DP is constantly stressed/anxious, because every time he goes to pick up DS, it's a gamble whether he'll actually get to see his child.

On the weekends SS is here, I vary between doing my own thing (catch up on cleaning/study/work/seeing friends and family etc) and spending time with DP and SS. Lately it's been a lot less spending time with DP and SS. Some of it is around uni exam time, some is that SS behaviour is really getting to me. He's a clever, charming little kid, but he's stuck in a tough situation and honestly, I don't think he gets to see either of his parents enough (Ex has him in daycare almost full time since he was little) and he's spoilt in the time he does get to see them. Ex has a philosophy of "if he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to do it" and DP doesn't want to be the "bad guy" in the short amount of time he has him. So SS's behaviour leaves a bit to be desired (yes, I'm taking into account that he's still a 4 year old :) ) to the point where all DP's family members refer to SS as "the little shit" (only out of DP's earshot of course.)

I'm really struggling with where I stand. I don't want to slip cold into the "mother role" as I don't think it's appropriate. He has a mother, and he lives with her full-time. Me trying to do that would confuse the poor kid, I think. I help out in the day to day stuff, cooking, light discipline (no jumping on the couch, don't throw your shoes, no yelling in the house etc) and taking over when DP is beginning to lose patience. My idea was to build up with short positive interactions, be a positive adult role model, and then later down the track, just see what happens. If he wants to still see me as his dad's GF, I have no problem with that. I have no problem if he wants to think of me as his step-mum when he's older.

Recently, DP's sister went off her nut at me. (This is where a lot of the doubt came in.) She was saying I needed to step up and start being a proper mother, or f* off. She brought up the fact that sometimes I need a time out (if I'm dealing with a tantrum and have just had a gumboot thrown at my head, before 6am, for example) and how it makes me a terrible person (needing the time out), it's a good thing I don't have kids of my own, I'm clearly not cut out to be a mother, etc etc.
Needless to say, it was all incredibly hurtful. I was devastated. And it made me doubt whether I was doing the right thing, or enough of it. And I felt really pressured to meet these magical expectations that seem to form when you date someone with a child. We had gotten along previously (me and DP's sister) so I don't know where it was all coming from, or whether it had been something festering in her for a while.

Was figuring out where you stood hard? Was it something you and DP disagreed on at all?

DP seems to agree with me, except just after he's seen his sister. It's like she gets in his ear and gets him all worked up with her ideas and he comes back angry about everything. The next day, he's fine, and agrees with everything I say :/

Did you feel pressured by what people thought you should do, or the magical role they thought you should fit into?

I've read heaps of threads and I'm so inspired by the kindness and love everyone's able to show for their DP's children. I struggle with massive guilt sometimes, because I'm not at that stage with SS yet. I still feel like I'm in the getting to know him stage, between trying to be really positive, but also discipline, and what I suspect is his mother feeding him lines like "You don't have to listen to her, just to your dad."
I think he's a great kid, he just needs some boundaries and stability. But I feel like there's so much judgement around, like I'm awful if I don't automatically love this child.

How did you guys cope with stuff like this?

No doubt!

I'm not suggesting he has her full time. Just during the daytime instead of daycare. It would save her a lot of money!

OP, you sound like the most concerned person in this poor little boy's life and you're not even related!
But I agree with JohnFarley that I'd walk away. It seems that you are putting more effort into trying to parent your SS than your partner. (Also a big red flag if you want kids with him yourself).
You sound decent and kind - the biggest loss if you leave will be to the SS on whom you may have had a positive impact.

Elizabeth - Yes, on so many points. Having kids is super important to me, when I'm in the right position for it. And some of these things do make me doubt if I would be choosing the right person to do that with.
And DP does want to basically just do the "fun" weekends, because he doesn't want to be the bad parent. And he says the same as your OH - he doesn't feel the short amount of time he has his DS will have much effect, especially since there's no consistency at the ex's house.

John - I'm thinking a lot. Basically giving myself until our lease ends in mid-September to decide and make other arrangements if necessary...

itsbetterthanabox - I agree with you in thinking it would be beneficial for SS. But it really just can't happen at this stage. The mother gets child care rebate, so child care wouldn't cost her that much. Part of having her "only income" as single parent benefits.
And if DP didn't work during the day, that would destroy our household income (as DP works full-time and I work part-time around uni) and we'd be up shit creek, to put it bluntly. And honestly, the mother could have him most days if she wanted to.
Plus, she wouldn't "allow" DP any more contact as it is - I swear she gets kicks out of saying no, or not turning up as it is anyway. Last time they went to court, she said she didn't want DP to have any more contact, because she was "afraid (DP) would try to take DS away from me." The judge rolled his eyes. It was clearly BS and just her not having any genuine reasons why DS shouldn't be able to see his father more than what she was already agreeing to. Even if DP were at home during the day, she would prefer to put her son in daycare than let DP have him for a few more hours. She's that kind of charmer.

Margot - Thank you. I feel as if everyone else spends their time letting everyone know how much they love this kid, but not actually doing anything to prove it. All talk, no action it feels like. Which is sad, especially for SS.
I feel like there's just red flags all over the place

I actually signed up to put an answer on this one.

Don't change, you're doing it right. I know you're doing it right because your approach is very similar to mine 6 years back when my SD tumbled into my life, also aged 3 at the time.

First of all, congratulations! It's a healthy bouncing 3 year old! As my friend said to me, most parents get 8 months or so to think about the impending approach of a child, and prepare, and of course then a baby comes along. So in fact it's quite a job to suddenly receive a bouncing 3 year old. Even more fun to have one by a woman who, lets be honest, will always despise the fact you're in their child's life (unless you win some kind of mum lottery). Such a challenging thankless task, and you are taking it on with good humour, a steady dependable manner, what a luck guy your oh is.

Back to the doing it right. You can't nor should you force love for a child, either you pretending to them, or in your expectation of them. You've not their mum either, nor should you ever pretend to be. I adopted a pretty similar approach and attitude with my SD back in the day, and she quickly grew to understand my consistent approach, and in spite of the fact I think very poorly of her mum I follow to the letter rules set down by mum and dad, referring to them for large discipline or parental responsibility items, but happy to take charge of safety and basic discipline on the rare times she's in just my care (which is rare as with you, time with dad is precious).

I know you're doing it right because as time passed she went from being a slightly embarrassing precocious child sometimes (isn't is mortifying when they do naughty stuff and people scowl at you like they're your kid) to the total apple of my eye, whom I couldn't love more if I'd pushed her out myself, and loves me back unconditionally with all her tiny heart.

I can't place my finger on the moment these small changes happened, the first time she said she cuddled me, the first time she said she loved me, the time she started out weeping she wanted mummy cos she had a splinter in her hand but then started running to me instead to make things better when she fell over and got a scrape. It's a very gradual thing, and especially with the lower level of contact, but it happens, and it tells you everything you need to know about the fact you're doing it right, so that's why I can feel confidence to tell you, keep at it mate.

Now. The sister. What. The actual. First thing, right now, your nipper isn't kind of family yet, it takes time, as I say. Truth is you don't have responsibility to him, it's a labour of love that you're brave to take on. The sister on the other hand IS family, my god I would NEVER speak about my nephew like that! Disgusting! No wonder the poor wee fella can have an attitude. He needs love, and exactly who's job do these people think it is?!?!?!?! So basically they aren't happy with his behaviour so they want to pin it on you, the person with NO parental responsibility, instead of the dad, the mum, or themselves as the wider family unit. For shame. In fact that's the one thing I would put the foot down about. Take them to one side and say, don't **ing speak about my child like that (that's the one time I will say my child). Disgusting. I agree your OH needs to be told to have a word and tell his sister to butt out. Your OH should defend you against ANYONE, give him a polite reminder. He obviously believes in what you are doing as his sister clearly makes him cross, he just needs to grow a pair and at very least say, I don't want to hear it, please don't criticize my family. Don't tell him about the name calling of his child though that's bloody awful.

Honestly on the bad behaviour I've had the lot. Tantrums, throwing stuff around (once into dad's face and that's the only time I've ever shouted at her), screaming, refusing to cooperate with things, refusing to go to bed, you name it, I am a zen master. Mate, you got this. You have exactly what you need right now, a relaxed consistent confident approach to parenting. Don't let some knowledgeless disgusting snidey woman undermine that confidence. you know in your heart and I have learnt children will, believe it or not, respond happily over time to consistent, fair, and dare I say it we are a little strict, parenting. This is a big reason my step child grew to love me. She knows and trusts what she is going to get, and this consistency has created a happy home full of love. A good bit of advice I had from another step parent early doors I pass to you. Although we are the home she is in for less time, we are actually the stable relationship in her life. Mum has had partners come and go, and she's tried to get her to call them daddy and forced them into attempted closeness far to early only to see them off and the kid never saw them again. But she comes to our home and she knows what she will get, every, single time. And believe me you can have a huge amount of influence, it is not in any way proportional to the amount of time you spend with the child. SD constantly uses my crap jokes, and even when she seems like she isn't listening she will months later reflect back to us rules we've set or bits of advice we've given. Don't change a flipping thing. Stick to your guns and what feels natural and right to you, be clear and open with your man, and it's hard at first, he will feel protective and that's normal. At the same time you shouldn't expose yourself or most of all the young one to potential hurt by forcing yourself into some sort of weird mould. With the benefit of knowledge after the fact, every single time we've had behavioural issues with SD it's transpired it was because there was an upset going on at home, first because a new man was coming in, then because they were splitting up...... another great reason to not force things. Mum has sometimes got it wrong and caused terrible upset to SD, we have got it right and a strong, respectful loving family has grown. Frankly, sounds like a good example his sister needs eh

Oh sorry I thought I had done, but no :-)

Can I also say COURT ORDER

We had exactly the same issues, and it caused constant stress. She didn't want this, she did want that, she dictated who DS could no longer be friends with, she blocked her seeing family, she messed everyone about at her whim. Most of all, we came to realise it upset SD. When she had a gap in contact her behaviour would degenerate, bullying other kids, screaming at adults (since she has told us she was screaming 'I want to go to dads house'). Finally he had no option but to get a court order, and it' the best £1k we ever spent. We're STILL paying it off lol but instantly the ex lost all power to mess SD about, we were able to plan our family life long into the future, book holiday, GET holiday. If she makes a reasonable demand - extra holiday for a once in a lifetime trip (parents spoil her, explains a lot) then of course we accommodate, but it has to be a negotiation, in which we can make sure we have bi weekly contact still as we know SD will get upset otherwise. SD could have a little calendar in her room and understand the days she will see us and look to the future to happy things. It's been BRILLIANT. Honestly your gent has to stand up and get this, I'm sorry in a way if it has to go that far, and at the same time I would say yippee to anyone that gets one as it makes everything clearer for everyone. Sadly it's now even been the case that when ranting mum claims dad didn't want to be with SD he can confidently say, I want to spend all the time with you I can, that's why I got a court order. And she smiled happily at that. It's important for him to nip that behaviour in the bud, your SS is not a weapon he's a mini human being and he needs consistant time with his dad.

robotroy - First of all, thank you. I appreciate your reply, and all the things you've mentioned in it. I seriously sat in the lounge, reading it and muttering to myself "Yes, exactly, YES!"

Especially about suddenly having a 3 year old child. That is the part that I think that DP and his family seem to forget, or not think is important. But it's HARD. I had a fairly big hand in raising my younger siblings, and at times I found it hard with them, and I'd known them since birth and love them unconditionally (I don't have my own kids to compare it with at this stage.)
And just the expectations seems to have two sides. I have to love this child unconditionally and think he's the best thing since sliced bread, and always have time for him and always buy him toys and put more and more effort in and never get upset with the things he does. On the other hand, parents are allowed to get upset or need a break from their own children. His aunty calls him a little f*ing shit and dreads having him there.
BUT I am meant to "ease up" on him, because he's in a rough place with his parents splitting and I'm not his real mother and I'm only 24, what do I know?
It's like people expect a step-mother to be all the perfect things rolled into one ball. All the love and effort and TV mums in one shiny stepford wife. But with no acknowledgement or anything, because hell, we had nothing to do with making or raising this child, we're just daddy's younger girlfriend. I'm such a trampy little up-start, clearly.

(isn't is mortifying when they do naughty stuff and people scowl at you like they're your kid)
This. I struggle to deal with this sometimes, and that is a big issue for DP and his family. Makes me a terrible person apparently :/

And I do like spending time with his son, exactly for the lovely moments you describe. He'll tell me what he did at kindy, or want to show me the truck he made from lego, or what he's doing in his video game, or when he calls out for me in the middle of the night instead of DP. And it's a fantastic feeling. I just don't like the expectation that I should feel like that ALL THE TIME just because I'm dating his dad.

DPs response to the sister issue has caused more problems, as I was very unhappy with his reaction. We have a few of our own things we're working through, just the "real step-mum" thing his sister ranted about brought this one right to the front.
I haven't told him about the things his sister has said about his son, although at times I have been sooo tempted to. But I just can't bring myself to do it, because he and his sister are so close and I really think it would just hurt him too much. Kinda sucks a lot though, that she feels comfortable saying awful things about me, and revving DP up to be angry at me, and all I do is say that what she said was "unnecessary and inappropriate" and that I found it incredibly hurtful, and I didn't know how long it would be before I was able to talk/see her again. Sometimes being the bigger person feels a bit shitty, right? :p

Funny you should mention the consistent approach to parenting - SS usually responds incredibly well to interacting with me, when we're on our own. When DP is there, I step back and you can see SS getting ready to test boundaries. My "parenting" style is very different to DPs and the mother's though. From most of the extended family on either side, by the looks of it too.

And lastly, court orders. We're working on it. There's ANOTHER mediation in the works apparently (although who knows, ex tries to use them as threats for some unknown reason.) But really, I don't know how it will go. DP doesn't care for the paperwork for it (so I end up doing it - another reason I'm a monster, according to the sister) and the mother doesn't understand how serious the already existing court documents are, she still just does whatever the hell she likes. And in all honesty, there's not much we can do except grin and bear it. Seeking legal advice on what to do if she breaches it, and the consistent answer is "Ohhh, it's best not to let it get that far." As if DP controls that, thanks.
I've looked into it, and it just looks like you take them to court and they might get fined, but more than likely, the court will just write up another agreement that suits both parties. So really, for the sake of one or two missed visits, there's almost no point, because nothing will happen. And really, it's a heap of money we simply don't have.
And to be perfectly honest (this may sound awful) I KNOW I would get shitty about having to cover costs of legal reps and court dates for nothing to come out of it. And really, if I don't push this side of it, DP won't do anything about it on his own accord, so I just keep quiet. Every time we try to "oppose" the mother, she gets worse, so I almost think it's best to just suck it up, let her think it's not a big deal, and she gets sick of her pettiness.

You've been together for one year. Is this how you want the rest of your life to look? I don't get any sense of a loving partnership- it sounds like you are expected to do all the hard graft.

I wouldn't go for this.

It sounds awful to me.. I'm not saying I've had or get an easy time with my OH but what do u actually get from this situation?

It's all very admirable but it sounds like your the only one who cares/ is doing anything. If they want to let all this roll on and be useless I think it's time to step back and let them.

As you say he's not your child or responsibility. I used to take this approach and feel 'sorry' for dsd but she's not a project and she has two parents that have created and are responsible for her. You sound quite detached like you are trying to fix the situation - they need to do that.

On the step child bingo thread there's alot about feeling guilty and trying to mend things which we all get sucked into to an extent but it's totally thank less!! You won't love him unconditionally he's quite unpleasant and not yours! He's the product of a situation that you didn't control and never will. You can have an influence as others have said but as they get older it's a limited one on little time.

This is not meaning to be at all patronising but you've been together a year your still at uni and have your whole life Infront of you what about concentrating on you whether in or out of this relationship and leave them too it?

I'm lucky in a sense dsd is older now and is far more her own person although this brings it's own problems but I couldn't imagine myself in your position at 32 and I sometimes wonder what I did ending up in mine! If I had known what I know now... But that's a different story. It' doesn't end these issues go on and on long past the point where it's totally exhausting and the ex never goes away either once the child becomes older it's a whole new set of issues.

Obviously there's nice bits too but I'd be having a long think and bank rolling his solicitor?? Insane IMO.

Thanks Elizabeth

I'm really starting to think that maybe this isn't for me. And then I feel incredibly guilty. Like I'm being a superficial b*tch by not being able to handle this perfectly. And I don't want people to think that I didn't like DPs son enough to tough it out, when really there are other issues happening as well.

I don't know if I'm thinking too much about it, and should just go with the flow more? Maybe I'm getting too involved, and therefore too worked up and it's wearing me down like that. I don't know.

Your DP's sister should be told in no uncertain terms to stay out of the picture.

Bonsoir I totally agree. I haven't spoken to her since then. Not hard since she's blocked me on FB, and been badmouthing me on there, bad enough that DPs friends call him to see what the deal is. I have no other way of contacting her (except through DP) and really don't feel the need. I feel she is the last person I owe my time to, at this stage.

Robotroy I'm so glad you posted! What encouraging things to say, not only to the OP but for the benefit of someone like me who is really trying to do the right thing for a child who I love dearly but didn't come from me. We are just starting the court process so everything is a little scary but your further words regarding the court order is very encouraging - thank-you!

Why feel bad that you can't handle what's a really shitty situation that uve not created? You have your whole life ahead of you and deserve to be happy you are not responsible for the child's happiness at all if it's like this now it's not going to get a lot better anytime soon..

If it's for you tough it out if I had my time again I would never get caught up with someone with kids. I'm lucky things have got easier in the last 6 months or so but I never realised what I was getting myself into you have the choice. I wouldn't think stepping back is the answer either the child isn't going anywhere only you know what's right for you but it doesn't make you a failure if it's not what you want.

Agree with Elizabeth- good luck op.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the comments.

I've actually seen that comment a few times - people saying that if they had their time over, they wouldn't get involved with someone with kids. I'm starting to think that's a bit of wisdom (obviously it works for some people though.)

I feel like it makes the future really daunting. The ex is someone who in public, rattles on and on about how positive she is, and how she loves everyone and how you have to forgive and forget, and all the crap inspirational quotes all over FB. It pisses me off, because it's bullshit. She is nasty and petty with DP and their son, although none of her friends would ever know it.
She does things like tells DP about a birthday party for Saturday, but only tells him Friday arvo when they're doing the change over. He already has plans, she refuses to give him the invitation so that he can RSVP directly, and just tells the parents "the father doesn't want to", so he has to do everything related to their son through him. Over the course of the last year, all the birthday parties their son has been invited to, apparently all of them only get max 2 days notice. Which I find a liiiittle bit hard to believe when you're making a booking for a child's birthday party... :/
It amazes me that someone can show such a positive, happy and caring side in public, and still be so nasty about something that directly impacts on their child's well-being, no less. And if I'm honest, it infuriates me that people believe she's all sugar and spice, when it only takes looking at a few of her emails to see another side of her.

Having an ex like that, a child who misbehaves quite a bit (a product of the situation and his parents, I have no doubt) and the few things DP and I have to thrash out...makes it daunting :/

Maybe I should go live in a tiny apartment with just my dog, who is actually pretty well behaved :D